11/15/00 - 9:30pm

I know its been awhile, that's what being sick will and having Angelfire screw up your password for 8 days will do to you, but I should be able to make up for it and sum up the emotions and feelings of the past few days in this entry, and a couple of others. First off, I think that colds and flu are your body's way of blowing the proverbial whistle and saying "Time out, have a seat on the bench and rest this one out" My body just gave out, and the illness was just the excuse for relaxation and recuperation. For the past 6 days, I've been stopped up (sinuses), running a fever (which saved on heating bills for me at least) and just a general "blah-ish" lack of motivation for doing anything. I've lounged around, slept alot, ventured out of the house only twice since Sunday and watched way too much TV (see my rant) and too many movies and slept more than most humans should. I have taken my first sick days in over a year and a half to recover (for which a great feeling of guilt, caused by, as my friend Jeff put it, my hypnotism into the protestant work ethic) and am feeling a bit more energized, but not completely recovered. Another trip to the Dr. (one last Friday, and probably one tomorrow or Friday whenever I can get in) should beat this beast down once and for all. But enough about my health, onto what is most important, and rattling around in my head right now. If you guessed that it revolves around my angelKat, you'd be correct Karnak, so without further adieu..

She is getting frustrated, I know, with my persistence about our future together, and my lack of acceptance of the other relationship in her life currently. Her latest journal entry vents this, and I feel the need to respond, in a way, but really say nothing that I haven't already stated before.

Now its not that I don't accept her feelings, or consider her relationship with him as a phase, or "passing fancy" as she puts it. Its more a strong belief in my conviction of knowing, now, through the eye-opening rejuvenation that I've gone through, learning from the pain of three mistakes. (so I'm stubborn and a slow learner, sue me) I respect the feelings that she has right now, she is too smart, too emotional and too real, not to know what she wants, who she wants, etc etc. She is the most straightforward, honest, wonderful, amazing person I know, or will ever know. The problem, I guess, lies in her inability to believe that I know what and who I want, and that she is it. This doubt, as I've stated before, is well founded. My past actions and experiences have shown that its going to take a lot to believe in me again, and its going to be a long road back to where I know we can be. She doesn't think we can ever go back there, but I feel somewhere inside, she wants too, she hopes I can be the man that she wants, and needs, now and forever. I know it, she just can't see it, blinded by the actions of our past, and scared to let her guard down again and let me in again. This is something that will take time, effort, honesty, communication and some emotional effort and conviction. Whenever I see her saying the things she feels, the desire for a forever with him, putting her last name with his, calling him all those little pet names, going on and on about their passionate encounters, and sharing the most intimate aspects of their life together, I am not shocked, because thats just the way she is, expressing and sharing every little thing she feels. At the same time though, I feel a sense of deja vu, I've been there, I get angry, for screwing it up, for not being there now, for losing my focus in fear and shame for that brief moment, and allowing someone else into the place where I belong. I've been there, planning the get-togethers, then for one reason or another, having to postpone them, making the semi-serious wedding, honeymoon, moving there, living arrangements, and forever planning. Am I in a state of denial, I don't think so. It's more that I am in a strong state of relation, and acceptance. Every day that passes, my conviction is stronger, whether I talk to her or not, she's in my heart, she drives my every action, fuels my every emotion, and warms my soul like no other. Every time I read anything involving them, I get angry, then I become more driven, knowing that I'll be back there, when the time is right, fate will not be denied our forever.

She says that she feels I am hiding my emotions deep inside me, and that I'm coming to a point of impatience, where its going to become an all or nothing thing. Yes, we have a wonderful and amazing friendship, one that will last forever, and stand any test that time, or another person can throw at it. This is a requirement of any successful relationship, you're soulmate should also be your best friend (which she is) and then once that is established, you build it into the next step, carrying that passion and physical desire, icing it on top of the friendship, then throw in that undeniable bond and attraction that comes from the whole package. The ability to share anything together, the want to be with them every moment, the thirst for their touch, hunger for their kiss, and the desire to never be apart from them, and to want to experience everything in your life with them. This is not something that happens overnight, and it has taken 3 years to get where we are, now, in reevaluation, we need more time. We need to focus on rebuilding the trust, and the friendship part, before moving to the next step. Do I dwell on moving to that next step so much that I lose the joy of what it is now, maybe a little, but in my heart I'm hers, always hers, only hers. The length of time it takes to get there is not important. You cannot put limitations on emotions, either time, or a stopping point. You go with what your heart says, you follow it, until it beats no more. My heart beats for her, only her, always for her. She is my best friend, she is my lover, she is my every vision of forever. I cannot, and will not settle for anything less. She has told me before that I should never settle, and I won't, when it comes to my love, and my heart.

I know this is painful for her, I know she sees this as a phase I'm going through, a struggle to find myself, and what I want. Yes, I'm going through a rebuilding in my life right now, but I do that, by clinging onto the one thing that I know I want. I know she's afraid that coming back to me will result in us going back down the same road that we've been down before. I know we won't, but her vision of this will take time. I'm rambling and ranting a bit now, but it boils down to this. I accept that she has feelings for him, I am jealous and angry when I see her words about them as a couple together forever, but I am also driven even harder by it. My heart is my task master, which drives me to her, without her help. A fire will burn without any aid or insistence, until the last ember is gone, but adding fuel to that fire will spark it up, regenerate it slightly, but never drown it out.

I know what I want, I know what I believe, and I know what I feel. I love her, I always will. She will always be a part of my life, it's that part that is unclear to her, but crystal to me. I am tiring now, this may a bit incoherent, but its brutal honesty, and sometimes emotions are not clear, until all of the fog has lifted, and the light reaches and touches both hearts simultaneously.

Thank you

Into The Night - Benny Mardones, Lyrics by Paul Harrison, Larry Mullen, Adam Clayton, and Dave Evans - 1980