December 13, 2002 - The completion of a descent in madness and isolation

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on, I won't let go 'til it bleeds

It's time for a change.  As I completed my 35th year in existence, I realized many things, namely that my happiness has all but dissipated into a routine dirge of survivalistic tendencies.  I do what I have to, I do what I think will appease others, all the while slowly dying inside

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason; my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

Meanwhile, somewhere out there lies an oasis of potential.  Somewhere my happiness lies in wait for me to come retrieve it. I just have to search it out.  This will not be an easy quest, and maybe not an easily resolved one.  Do my answers lie where I escaped from last? I don't know, but something is pulling me back that direction.  If the final pieces of my puzzle don't lie there, maybe some of them at least do.

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

I just have this feeling that I'll end up regretting not at least exploring all of my wandrous options.  I am, after all, an artist in spirit.  I have a duty to communicate the world through my eyes, to anyone who will partake.  I don't ever want to be at a point in my life where the phrase "what if" has to be an explanation or justification for my unhappiness.  I just feel that I have to do..something

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten with its memories
Diaries left with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

So now comes the starting over, hopefully for the last time, but leaving all options open.  5 years ago, my life fell apart.  I came crawling home, to find respite and peace in familiar surroundings.  But I feel that life is predestined and planned into set segments and I am beginning to feel that this chapter has just about run its course.  Each moment in life is a piece in the grand puzzle and this piece is just about in place.  Where the next lies, only fate knows, but I have to follow it's fickle hand and find out.

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit

So good friends, wish me luck, as I do to you. Right now, I am tired, I am frustrated, I am unhappy with most facets of my life, I am alone in a very crowded place, with only my maddening frequency of my incomprehensible thoughts to keep me company.  I cannot live the lies anymore.  I have to live for myself, make myself happy.  Even if it flies in the face of sensibility and reason in eyes of those who love me.  I can no longer live for them.  The explanations will not be easy, nor will the separation from those I have always cared about, and those I've come to.  But the pain and overcoming it, sometimes are what strengthens our resolve and molds our souls.  Right now, my soul is in tatters, my resolve is in hiding, and my happiness is a distant memory. My recent existence has rarely been a happy one, filled with pain, both self-induced and uncontrollable.  I have to change that.  .  All of my answers may not lie in my next stop, nor the one after that, but somewhere out there, lies my smile, the glue to put the broken pieces of me back together and help me find my place amidst the madness.

Bother (2002) - performed by Stone Sour, lyrics by Corey Taylor