Truth Isn't Always a Beautiful Thing
Your Sensual Side
Whether we like it or not, human beings care about physical appearance. No matter how we might deny it, we care about the reflection staring back at us in the mirror and are affected if that reflection changes. And more often than not, our reactions to those reflections are negative and critical: I need to lose weight, I'm too short, my nose is too big, I hate my hair.
It's time to change that. Describe yourself as the hero or heroine of a romance novel. Don't concentrate on the negative aspects or "cheat" by changing your physical appearance. Instead, focus on the assets you do have, and on what makes you sexy, unique, and loveable.
"I ain't gonna go blind, from the light which is reflected, I see through you, I see through you"
"Look at me!" the familiar voice demanded, I stood there, feeling the piercing gaze, shaking slightly and head hung down, afraid to gaze into those eyes again.
"I said look at me!" the tone growing more stern now "I can't" I meekly replied
"..and why not, like I need to ask"
"Because it scares me, I am afraid of you"
"You are afraid of me because you don't like what I represent, because I'm not afraid to tell you your failures in life, how you've wasted your potential, everytime you look into my eyes, you see everything you should have and would have been, if you weren't so damn scared"
I turned my back, raising my head up and nodding slightly. "Yes" I answered meekly.
I heard him, the familiar "tsk tsking" at me, I could not deal with it yet again. Every time I faced him, it was the same thing. Looking into those eyes, I saw the wasted talent of my past, and he knew it, and fed on it.
He cleared his throat and continued. "Can't even face me today, you're getting worse you know" his long fingers poking my shoulder, almost taunting me now. "The longer you sit around and mope about this, the more I'm going to harass, and you know it, you might as well get off your ass and do something, because I'm not going away"
"I know" I sighed deeply, pressing my hands against the cold wall, leaning into to escape that touch
In a mocking voice, he continued "I wanna be a writer, I wanna goto school, I wanna work in movies" blah blah blah blah, your chances are there, you just don't do anything about them. The chances don't come and find you, you gotta put some work into them, find them, go towards them. But no, you'd rather wallow in pity and wait for everyone else to pass you by, hoping that opportunity is just gonna come knocking at the door, hand you your dreams and bid you good day. I got a secret for you dreamer boy, it don't work that way"
All I could do was nod, I felt his piercing glare in my back. Those dark eyes staring me down, the face, the simplicity of the outside, masking the ugliness that lie inside his soul, I'd looked into that face so many times, seen behind those eyes, seen into the darkness of that soul, and every time, it scared me, angered me, frustrated me and sickened me, and yet..
"What do you get out of this" I snapped back, quite surprisingly to myself. I swear I heard him recoil a bit
A soft, gutteral laugh escaped him, followed by a silence that almost made me turn to see if he was still there. Where did that come from? It almost sounded like I was fighting back, it happened so rarely that it scared me. Was anything he'd said wrong? Of course not. I live my life in the illusion that I create, not lying to anyone, but myself really, but always making excuses instead of progress. My actions are more reactions, than initiations. My progress is limited by my own fear of failure, and having to actually exert an effort, rather than my current state of just accepting what life gives to me. He was exactly right, as long I continue to live life in the status quo, I would reap what I sowed, which would be nothing more than I have right now
"I get nothing out of this you silly fool, nothing but the joy of not having to look at you every day and have this same conversation, to see you that ugliness that exists inside you, which you think pervades to your exterior. You worry so much about what other people think "why don't they like me, why don't I get what I want, why don't they respect me, why do I keep screwing the good things in my life up" and boy, you have screwed some good things up I tell you. Letting her get away, because of your own silly fears of honesty.."
"Leave her out of this" I screamed at the wall, hoping it reflected back and stabbed into his soul "I suffer with that mistake every day of my life, and will continue to, but the one thing I've always wanted was her happiness, if she finds it elsewhere, than I am satisfied, but she will always be my greatest mistake, and off limits for you to use as ammunition against me" I took a deep breath, fearful of the response that this outburst would generate, but content that I got it out of my system
"Fair enough" he said confidently, "You put yourself through enough with her, and yet she's still there, and you're still there with her, so that's actually a testament that you should build on"
This response puzzled me, but she was not the topic of this conversation today, he just did it to get a rise out of me, or did he do it to motivate me? Did he continually bring this up to show me what I can have if I truly want it? What I deserve out of life? Nah, I..
"..you don't think you deserve her do you" he said, almost reading my mind. "And that's what drove you to hide yourself from her, and your own eyes. But I always know, I always see, and you know that, that is what scares you the most"
I stood up again, turning my head to the side, rubbing my fingers over my temples slightly "You're right" I said, as the meek side of me crept out again
"Listen, you're not getting any younger, every day that passes, is a day wasted, you see that, you know that, and yet, you do nothing. It takes shock treatment to get a reaction out of you, it takes losing something important, or seeing someone get something you want, to motivate you to do anything, but you never keep it up, when that shock wears off, so does your desire, and you're left with the after trails of what could've been. You're whole life is a vapor trail of dreams, desires, wants, potential, and hopes, all fading, the longer you let them drift out there"
"I know, I know, I know but.."
"Stop, with all the I know's, you always KNOW, but never do anything with that knowledge. You're so afraid of what I see, because its the truth. You're so afraid of what I tell you, because it hits you right wear you live. You can't look me in the eye, because you're scared of what I represent, what you've been, what you are, and what you could be, but you don't like me do you"
"No" I said softly, weakening under the truth of this words "No, I don't, I don't like what you look like on the outside, and I don't like who you are on the inside" I said straightening up, the fear draining slowly out of me
"Then do something about it, time goes on forever, but yours doesn't, it's time for you to do something about it"
Kneeling down, just out of his sight, I curled my fingers around a ceramic candle holder, the wick of which had long since burned out, but which I kept around, and still tried to light occasionally with great futility.
"It's time for you to finish what you start Jer, and nobody's gonna do it for you..nobody"
The next moments were a blur, I spun around and windmilled the object towards the voice without looking, then winced at the anticipated scream.
Nothing..then the shattering of glass exploding out in every direction..yet it all missed me somehow..
I looked up..the mirror now in pieces in front of me..
"It's time.. no more fear, just reality, the real you, I'm always going to be here, whether it be antagonist, or cheerleader, you can't escape me, you can't make me go away, you have to face me, deal with me, accept me, and move forward with things. You may not like me, you may never like me, I anticipate, and feed off of that, but you have to do something more than you are now"..then my reflection fell silent, as it always does"
Leaving me alone, as it always did, to my own reality, the shards of my life, the vision of my shattered dreams, the pieces of which only I can put back together. I'm scared to, afraid of what I will see when they are all together, and ashamed that my life has come to this, but knowing that it's done so on my own doing. I have been trapped by own fantasies for too long, and they have blinded me to the reality which slips through my fingers everyday. The truth of who we really are inside can be the greatest pain of our lives. And the truth of what of see is that there is little to love about me, until I love myself, and that will take time, honesty and the ever elusive truth which only I can deal with and overcome.
Connected (1991) performed by Stereo MC's, lyrics by Rob Birch
