Resolutions:

The year is three quarters gone. Have you realised any New Years Resolutions? Was there something you meant to have done this year? What would you do if you only had until the end of 2000 to set your world straight? Has something you planned and hoped for come to pass, or will it come to pass in the coming months?

Evaluate your dreams, dust off that to-do list and have a long hard think. Afterall, the clock IS ticking..

Life's a journey, not a destination - Amazing - lyrics by Steven Tyler

A complete life is one lived without regrets. Resolutions are a scheduled opportunity to voice these regrets, then make a promise to yourself to resolve them. This could be by either starting, ending, or fulfilling the “what if’s” and “what could be’s” that can haunt for a lifetime if left to fester inside. Once a year, we are given the chance to examine our lives and evaluate what we would do differently. Making them is easy, following through on them is another story. Personally, I feel that every day should be a revelatory and introspective examination of our lives, and we should act and react to these things which we feel are lacking, harmful or missing in our lives.

My 32-plus years on this planet have been spent trying to live up to everyones expectations and evaluations of my talents and abilities.

“You should be a doctor/chiropractor/lawyer/pilot/basketball player/engineer etc.”

That word and phrase has been my albatross, my cross to bear. I have never lived up to the expectations, mine or anyone else’s. I knew what I could do, I knew the talent that I’d been blessed with, yet I listened to the words of others. I followed the path of least resistance. Ten days out of high school, I ran off and joined the Air Force. I told myself, and everyone else, that this was the first step towards being, for lack of a better term, “all that I could be” In actuality, it was an escape, it was a way to get out of my small town, and from the words and pressures of everyone. What I failed to realize is that the voices would always follow me, they would just have different origins. If it wasn’t my mother, or a teacher, it would be a drill sergeant or supervisor, saying it in different ways, but the message was always the same. During my time, the opportunities presented themselves to further my education and make something more out of myself based upon the blessing of intelligence that I was given. Yet I still gave only cursory, representative efforts to show everyone else that I was at least trying. My heart was never in it though, because I was doing it for everyone else.

As time has gone on, I have continued to go through the motions without ever following through. Basically I’d do enough so that it looked like I was trying, without really having any substance or meaning behind the actions. I was using this intelligence and talent that I had, to avoid using it.

Then, I met her, an angel on earth, a sweet blessing in my life that convinced me that I must have done something right in life to deserve her. From that point on, everything has changed. You see, it wasn’t a calendar that made me realize and wake up, it was her gentle touch, and slap into reality, her presence, and love, that made me want to strive to be more and do more. I wanted to do anything for her. I wanted to make myself a better person, more lovable, more attractive, more perfect for her.

Now, on the downside of the beginning of a new millennium (or on the edge of the beginning, depending on which philosophy you subscribe to) my resolution for not only the year, but for the rest of my life is to embark on that journey that has been laid out in front of me. The journey to her, with her, and towards my education and realization of that which fate has blessed me. Now I know what I want to be when I grow up.

This journey begins, as any should, with small steps. I take the basic foundation I’ve laid down (previous classes, benefits from my military service) and I start up again. I want to write movie reviews, I want two things as a part of my life, the movies, and my angelKat.

This has begun with my enrollment in a film class at a community college. It continues in the spring when I enroll in the film studies program at the University of Kansas, and in between, a westward journey reminiscent of a certain Led Zeppelin song. The conclusion? Who knows, this exists in my dreams and lies in the hands of fate. I know who and what I want out of life, and by the end of this year, the first steps shall be taken towards it. Each year brings new opportunity, new goals, and new hurdles to be overcome. But now when faced with these, I will not turn away or ask which one I should follow. Instead, I shall follow my heart, my brain, and my soul and be honest with myself for the first time in my life. It may succeed, it may fail, but we progress nowhere in life, if we at least do not try.