08/12/02 - 10:30 pm
Mood: Lost
Soundtrack: Hold on Hope (Guided By Voices), Karma Police (Radiohead), Camera One (Josh Joplin Group), Love Will Tear Us Apart (Joy Division),  Towerblock (Julia Fordham)

Dear Alicia

I don’t know where this is going to go, so bear with me and just ride out these thoughts as they bound recklessly from my head

Before all of this ever went down
In another place, another town,
You were just a face in the crowd

 I feel so alone right now. I feel there is a tension running through me that I cannot explain.  I get so mad and frustrated at the simplest things in the world.  Happy couples, random laughter, idle conversations, financial tribulations, my life on seeming treadmill that I want to get off of, but never make the effort to do, the fact that I’m approaching middle age (according to scientific studies and still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, hearing the line “but we can be friends”  or “are you sure you’re not gay, oversleeping because  of insomnia and an inconsistent alarm clock, not living up to expectations of others while not being happy with my own wasted potential 

All things that are within my control, so don’t take my ramblings as whinings or poor poor pitiful me rants, but more of the frustration of my present existence.  I walk seemingly faceless, like a zombie with a heart and emotions, fighting through the darkness, burned by the light, seeking answers to questions that I don’t even know or worse yet, understand.

Out in the street walking around
A face in the crowd

Who am I, why I am here, why have I seemingly lost my best friend, is she okay, am I okay, am I normal and the rest of the world screwed up.  Is venting here the answer, or yet another complication to the question.  Why am I so hot all the time, why can’t I sleep like a normal person.  Am I supposed to feel this way? 

I don’t expect anyone to have the answers, nor do I seek sympathy from anyone.  Whoever can’t see me for what I am, and what I have to offer is more misguided and blind than I could ever be.  I am smart, I am fun, I am a romantic, I am emotional, I am human, I am not just an average person you pass on the street, I am a person who could change your life if you let me.  While I may not like myself, I realize these things and yet…why can’t I be happy.  Why can’t I make myself happy.  Only I control my destiny, there is no fate, there is no chance, life is what we make of it.  Why have I made such a mess of mine.  I just want the darkness, the voices, the tension, the confusion, all of it, to just..go away.  

Out of a dream, out of the sky
Into my heart, into my life

For now, that’s what I’ll do..but I’ll be back, I am always here sis, what did you really miss in this world.  Sunsets, children’s smiles, the smell of fresh baked cookies, the kiss of a lover, the feeling of rain, all of these things are wonderful, but there is so much confusing pain in this world too.  The actions of madmen, the ignorance of the misguided, the unexplainable appeal of certain types of entertainment, the plethora of emotions that a person can cause inside your soul.  So much good, so much bad, where do we fit in? Help me.  Only you can guide me, I feel your love, I feel your power, I feel your touch on my soul everyday whenever I doubt things.  I know love, I know compassion, I know patience, I know you, I feel, so with your hand in mine, unsteadily, I move forward.  Please come with me, please stay with me, let me show you what you never saw, let me see what you have learned and known.  I put myself in your loving hands Alicia..now and always. My face, my heart, my soul will wander aimlessly, with your guidance, surviving the pain and confusion, fighting through the black clouds, seeking the light, and knowing that all will be okay, with your help and the strength that you give me.  I know there may be hard and painful lessons to be learned, and this darkest time in my life may be one of them, but I have faith..yes, I think I do, I have faith.  I am someone, not just another anonymous lost soul, but a misguided spirit who has found his angel in you. 

And you were just a face in the crowd
Out in the street, thinking out loud
A face in the crowd

All of my love, always sis

Face in the Crowd (1989) -  lyrics by Jeff Lynne and Tom Petty, performed by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

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