Hello  hello  hello
Is there anybody in there

The past is the beast, breathing down my neck, haunting my dreams, stalking me relentlessly.  The future is an abyss, wide open, empty, dark and unavoidable.  The present is a fog, a menacing combination of voices, expectations, desires, attempts, successes, failures and madness.  Where do I go.  What do I do. 

Come on, now I hear you're feeling down
Well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again

I seek help, but can anyone help me from my own self created exile? I walk like a zombie through the routine that binds my days into the next.  I continue in this treadmill chase, avoiding the past, seeking the future cautiously, but never with the vigor and lust needed to traverse it and move on.

Who am I?
Where am I going?
Where have I been?

There is no pain, you are receding
 A distant ship's smoke on the horizon
 You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying

The monster is beginning to swallow me, the darkness of the abyss is engulfing me, and I feel so helpless against it all.  I fight, I struggle, but my actions are muted and useless.  The little green pills put me in a sedated dream state, avoidance? Maybe.  Distraction, definitely, progression, doubtful

It’s all becoming too much.  Whatever I was, I am losing.  Whatever I want to be, seems farther away.  Succumbing solves little, if anything, but the energy is gone.  The passion has melted away, I am losing myself, and it’s obvious to those who mean the most. 

I’m different, but why?

I seek answers to questions that only I know.  The search for these is a cushion to avoid dealing with them head on as is necessary.

But what do I do?
Where do I go?

It’s all so much to handle, and the numbness grows larger. The blackness bites harder.  The voices scream louder in their maddening rotation inside me.  The beast is winning, and I am letting it. Do I surrender to the madness of it all?  It's so easy to, yet so wrong.

So what happens now?  So what happens now?

I don’t know...what to do, where to go, who I am.. I’m afraid to know, or afraid to try, or just afraid to do or be..I dont know..I slip farther and farther away from myself...into the mouth of the beast, into the depths of the abyss

When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
 I turned to look but it was gone I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone

I have become comfortably numb

 Don’t ask…anymore

Is it the writing on the wall? I ask to an empty room of concern, or is it a room of empty concern.

 Silencio..says the Spanish woman..silencio..silencio..