September Fugue:The Policy of Truth

Secrets & Lies

What are some of the things you would not share with anyone, no matter what?

Have you trusted someone with your secret only to be betrayed?

Have you lied to cover your secret or simply because the truth was too much?

First of all, a commentary on this project idea. Along with others in the group, I found this project a bit curious in its inception. I mean, who amongst us is going to spill our guts, or cleanse our soul regarding something that we've never told anyone else onto the Internet, where anyone and everyone, including affected parties could see it. Secondly, honesty, and lying, is a very sensitive, touchy issue amongst people. Many of us have been hurt or affected deeply by someone who has lied to us, or someone who has betrayed our trust. I'm not sure how much this sticks to the guidelines of the project, since these are my opinions on lying and honesty in general, rather than specific instances and answers to the questions above. So it was with a very disconcerting nature that I tackled this project. Now back to my regularly scheduled rambling.

I have often equated trust with a hug (those who know me, know that I am usually never at a loss for an analogy.) If you open your arms to someone, and they hug you back, then you are going to more apt to continue hugging people when the offer presents itself. However, if you open your arms to hug someone, and they kick you in the stomach, the next time the situation comes up, your arms are going to close up completely, and reopen slowly. It will take several hugs, over a period of time, for you to actually open up to the same level as you first would have, if ever. What is the moral of this rambling allegory? If you trust someone, and they give you no reason to doubt them, then you will continue to trust others without hesitation. However, being hurt or burned once by dishonesty can cause you to close up, and doubt the voracity or intent of future endeavors. It takes repeated instances of trust to reassure us that it is safe for us to trust again without being hurt. I'm not sure what my point of that is, but it has always been a philosophy and ideal of mine, and one, that unfortunately I have not always been able to abide by.

It's too late to change events
It's time to face the consequence
For delivering the proof
In the policy of truth

My life, up until about a month and a half ago, was a mosaic of lines, threaded with true emotions, and true feelings, but for the most part, built on a fragile foundation of others expectations. I lived my life so long for everyone else, that it blanketed me in a world that was not mine. Things I wanted were for the most part, what everyone told me I should. It became such a part of my life, that it clouded everything else, and I believed in it so strongly, that I vehemently fought to maintain it, in a sense, lying to myself.

Now, I have become a prisoner of my own fear and shame. Now that I see, and know the truth, of what I feel, of what I want, it may be too late. I am a victim of crying wolf one too many times, of believing my own hype, for lack of better terminology. Once you've misled, lied, or been dishonest, then how does that person know when, or if you are telling the truth, even if you are. It is a painful Catch-22, crying wolf one too many times, and when the truth really is there, no one is there to listen. The key is to learn from your mistake, and not relive it. Just continue to be honest, with yourself, and everyone else, and all will work itself out, the hug will be there again, as I know it will be in my case. She will hug me again, she will believe me when I open my arms, and that my heart is truly hers. I know this inside, I believe this inside, and that is the first step

The greatest lie you can tell is to yourself. Everything that results from that, lying to others, misleading others, hiding things from others, results from the fact that you are afraid to be honest with yourself, what you see, and what you feel, so the need to create, withhold, or deny what is actually there, overrides everything else in your life. It is a sad, lonely, and dark existence, and a very painful one to awaken from, as I have recently found out.

Why is it so hard for us to say things as we see them? Our eyes capture everything around us, and then somewhere between our brain and our mouth, there is a detour that says "Why don't we say it this way, it's easier, its better, and we're not really hurting anyone". That detour is our greatest lie. The longer we do it, the shorter the detour becomes, because it gets easier and more natural each time. When the inevitable emotional shock therapy comes, whatever it may be, in my case, true love, lack of fear, lack of shame, and the want and need to trust and be open, to let someone, my angel, know the real me, it slaps you back into the real world, and, as in my case, spiraled into a dark chasm, well past Go and my $200.00.

Now, in the new era of my rediscovery of who I am, and what I want, I cling to the one thread of my shattered mosaic. I am much wiser, much more fearless, and feel the need to pass along the pain of my life education to others to prevent this mistake from happening again.

Now you're standing there tongue tied
You'd better learn your lesson well
Hide what you have to hide
And tell what you have to tell

It's quite simple people. Don't be afraid of who you are. Don't be afraid of what someone will think. Don't be afraid to admit that you think dark thoughts, lustful thoughts, feelings of fear, unsure feelings, feelings of worthlessness, feelings of emptiness, feelings of not knowing even at age 33 what you want to do with your life. The journey towards all of this will be much clearer, much straighter, and definitely real, if you just open your heart, open your mind, ignore the detour, and ride out the bumps and pain on the rough road ahead. An honest journey, may be long, may be hard, but it will be real, and in the end, more rewarding.