I can't believe the next sentence I am about to write.

I didn't like Men in Black II!

Even more surprising, it's not even a close call with me.

The sequel feels overly mechanical, tired, and only half-imagined. Everyone just seems to be going through the motions on this one, and that's a shame. I knew this second film would not seem nearly as new or as fresh as the first one. Just about every sequel is like that. But Men in Black II has hardly any zip to it at all. It's like everyone got back together not to make a good movie or even to make a big pile of cash. They got back together simply because it was expected of them. And at less than 90 minutes, the whole thing seems like a quick ripoff. Like everyone said, "Let's do it, get it out there into theaters, and move on."

Will Smith again plays Agent J, now a veteran agent of the Men in Black organization that secretly monitors extraterrestrial activity here on Earth. The film opens with a new evil alien, Serleena (Lara Flynn Boyle), landing on Earth and taking the form of the first magazine advertisement it sees ... a Victoria's Secret model (Yeah, right! In Boyle's dreams!) Shockingly, nothing funny is ever made of this. Even a good bulimia joke is shielded by a well-placed shrub. Serleena is searching for ... well, I'm not quite clear on what she was searching for. Something about "the light," an all-powerful energy source or weapon that if ignited will destroy the planet. She wants to claim it for her own dastardly purposes, so she recruits the two-headed Johnny Knoxville of MTV's Jackass to help her ... when it is clear she needs NO help whatsoever.

Agent J has to stop them, but there is only one man who knows all about Serleena's mission. That man is the retired Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones). At the end of the last film, the MIBs erased K's memory and returned him to his former life (and love). Conveniently, the wife has since left K (real name, Kevin Brown) and he continues to toil in a distant New England post office as the planet is threatened again and again. J shows up, brings K back to MIB HQ, restores his memory ASAP, and RSVPs Chief Z's (Rip Torn) request to send Serlenna home DOA. Ugh, I just wish someone with an IQ of more than 80 could have written the script for "MIB II."

Two things are wrong with the movie. First, there is a distinct lack of originality. The premise of the Men in Black franchise lends itself to telling some truly outrageous stories. The first film was alive with Vincent D'Onofrio's possessed farmer alien, the MIB agent test sequences, the gadgets, Tommy Lee Jones' car-turned-rocket, and Will Smith going toe-to-toe with that gigantic crweature at the end. Unable to come up with compelling new characters and situations, screenwriters Robert Gordon and Barry Fanaro simply rehash gags from the first film (adding a new twist here and there) and take several of the original's minor characters like Jeebs (Tony Shalhoub), the shifty alien pawn shop owner, and Frank, the talking pug dog, and make them bigger players this time.

Jeebs once again gets his head blown off multiple times only to regenerate. Seen it! Frank, meanwhile, was one of the original film's best highlights (especially when Jones would shake him to get information), but is way, WAY overused here. The writers should have taken a few cues from my comedy idol, Triumph the Insult Comic Wonder on Late Night With Conan O'Brien. The cigar-chomping, frequently horny Triumph (a talking puppet basically) shows up every once in a while on the show, and just brings down the house with his politically incorrect put-downs of famous celebrities and outrageous one-liners. Example: Triumph once guested on Hollywood Squares and was seated next to Kathie Lee Gifford. At one point, Triumph looks over to the former daytime diva and cracks in his silly Mexican accent: "Hey, Kathie Lee. Me and Regis have something in common. We both broke up with our BEECHES this year!" What does Frank do? He hangs his head out the window and sings "I Will Survive."

The second thing wrong with Men in Black II is just how joyless it is. It's five years later, and Agent J is now a sad and job-obsessed bore. He routinely erases the memories of his partners (most notably Patrick Warburton, Puddy from Seinfeld, in a disappointing cameo) and sends them back to their normal lives. And he spends his free time eating pie at the Empire Diner. When he reunites with Agent K, the re-teaming provides the film a momentary spark. But then even K starts to lament yet another lost love.

Hey, what the heck is going on this summer? First, Spider-Man has to turn down his lady love, Mary Jane, to keep her safe from arch enemies. Then, Attack of the Clones reveals that Jedi are forbidden to fall in love and get married because it will interfere with their duties. Now, the Men in Black no longer get a kick out of firing big-ass alien guns and wiping out interplanetary scum because they are lonely? K was depressed in the first film, but he still went out and did his job in style. Just once, I'd like to have heroes again like Connery's Bond with the attitude, "Look, here is the deal. I'm getting ya in the sack even though sex with me will very likely wind up getting you killed. But what do I care? At least I'll get mine!"

Enough will all this touchy-feely stuff. This is the summer movie season! In Spider-Man 2, I want to see Peter Parker become a web swinger, not a web slinger. In Episode III, I want Anakin to just throw down and go Vader on all the Jedi after knocking up Padme. And in the inevitable Men in Black III, I want those neat little memory neutralizers that Agents J and K carry around finally put to good use. That's right! I'm talkin' about the guys hitting the singles bars ... looking for aliens, of course.

I digress. Men in Black II does have its moments. I really enjoyed the Peter Graves In Search of parody that opens the film. Other sequences that stand out include the mammoth subway alien that snacks on public transit, K and J getting flushed down a room-sized toilet, a train-station locker that houses an entire alien culture (which pays off even better late in the film), and the bachelor pad for the Worm guys from the first film where J stashes his new lady love (the charming Rosario Dawson) after she witnesses an alien attack (J can't bring himself to zap her memory).

But the sequel feels more like a typical episode of Saturday Night Live. Four or five comedy sketches really rock, and the rest you can just throw out with yesterday's garbage. In the end, Men in Black II did something I thought was impossible. Instead of ridding the planet of scum, it rid Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith of their charm.

Men in Black II is rated PG-13 for sci-fi action violence and some provocative humor.