My Story

i look back to the seventh grade when i got my first boyfriend i was prude as fuck- it took two weeks before we kissed. it wasn't that i didn't want to it was just i was afraid i'd mess up or something i think it was my "hard to get" approach that made my boyfriend want me more i remember how he'd try to sit by me and touch my leg. i'd pull away- i think he asked me about ten times before i finally went out with him. i guess i thought things through more back then. i loved him so much- he's hands were soft and i remember one night when it was twenty below i got locked out of my house and he gave me he's shoes and jacket until my mom came home. After we got to 1st base and i kissed him- i loved him even more. he started getting daring and would try to touch my ass and tits, but i would push him away honestly i wanted him to touch me, but i didn't let him cuz i thought that by letting him touch me i'd be a slut or something. i guess he realized he wasn't gonna get none from me. he started doing this thing where he'd put me into a head lock and flip me on my back. At first it started as a joke i guess cuz he'd do it in the grass then run off laughing, but then it got serious. one time he flipped me and tried to spit into my mouth as he held my arms and sat on top of my legs. But what really scared me was when i was alone with him in my house and he flipped me and i couldn't move. Then with his teeth he lifted up my shirt and said "damn i wish i had another hand." And i guess that should've been a clue to dump him, but i thought he was still joking so i laughed it off. Then one day i ran into house to get a book from my room and my mistake was leaving the door open. When i turned from my shelf in my room to go back downstairs he was standing there in the doorway at first i really didn't think anything of it but then when i walked towards him he closed the door. i laughed and tried to push him out of the way which resulted him in fliping me again. as he sat on my knees and held my hands so tighly i realized it wasn't a joke. he pulled a rope from his jacket and tied my handsto my bed post. i tried to scream, but i couldn't i just looked at him- i guess i wuz in shock. i guess it's obvious what happened next. i've only told two other people. He never came over again or called. i was so confused- was that it- i wasn't a virgin anymore. i really loved him though not true love, but he was that childhood sweetheart you'll never forget. it was right after that that i tried to kill myself- not for any particular reason i just basicly felt confused and dirty. i didn't think life was worth living. at thatt time i hadn't told anyone and i guess i was carrying the burden all myself. after an unsuccessful suicide i discovered what later i learned was self- mutlilation. every time i faced any problem or thought about past problems i would cut into my arms,thighs, and shoulders. i would continue to cut until i felt the pain had left. i thought it was the only way i could relieve myself from daily stresses. i remember in the 8th grade in science class one day we were watching a movie and i took out a razor blade and staring carving into my arm. it bleed and bleed and when my friend krystal saw me doing it she said nothing. at first it really started as nothing i think- i would carve pictures into my hand and tell everyone i was trying to give myself a tatoo, but somewhere it became a problem. one time after cutting in several different places i decide that i couldn't take it any more. no it wasn't the pain from the cut that really didn't hurt as bad as you might think, but everything seemed so hopeless and i felt my death would make everything better. one time i tried to take several twelve hour pills and i don't rember what happend i was trippin out and i threw up incessantly. i continued to cut all the way up until last year. i'm not sure why i stoped i just "got over it". no one ever really noticed though and that made it worse at times, but recently i've accepted myself and allowed myself to express myself in other way and not hold everything in all the time.