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"Ok, now If I throw a punch at you like this, how do you respond?" Ed asks making a slow motion punch toward my face, stopping several inches away.
"Well, I could respond in a couple of ways, for example I could do this..." I say turning my wheel chair, ducking under his arm, stopping behind him, and motioning a fake punch to his back.
That's a feasible move? He responds with a nod and a smile.
"Or this..." I turn and roll my wheel chair a little further, ending facing him again but on the other side, I tip my wheel chair back and almost let it drop onto his foot, pulling back just before it hits, my wheelchair bouncing and coming to a rest barely inches away. A smug smile on my face.
"That would prove to be effective, barring I don't take a hold of the wheelchair and tip you over like this..." in one swift move he grabs the wheels to my chair tipping it over, stopping me just short of hitting the floor of the training room. Wide eyed I look up at him, and he gently puts the wheelchair upright.
"I guess I underestimated you.?" I say still trying to catch my breath.
"You've come a long way over the past week, but there is still a ways to go before you're ready for your presentation." Ed says with a smile. “I think that should be all for you physical training for today, unless you want to do some weight or endurance training on your own.”
The past weeks have been a lot of training and adjusting to my new life. Sue does the emotional and mental training, while Ed focuses on helping me with building strength, endurance, and being able to defend myself. I'm starting to learn my skills as well as my shortcomings. All of this is focusing on getting me to pass the tests that will come when I am ready for my presentation. Those tests are pass or fail, and I really didn't want to fail. There is just too much at stake. I am not about to accept defeat. Besides, one of these days I'm going to beat Ed in one of our little sparring matches.
I wheel down to my room into the bathroom and undress, wrap in a towel, and use the lift to get into the bath tub. At first I sit on a plastic stool, then using rails on the sides of the tub I lower myself into the water. The softly fragranced bubbles surrounding me, I start to relax in the warm water. Bubble baths are one of my few luxuries, but, God I miss being able to take showers. I look at the clock above the bathroom vanity, Noon. I have time to get dressed and then lunch. After lunch I get a little down time and then Caroline is going to meet me after school and we are going to go shopping. I get a minute to grab dinner, then driving lessons, then training with Sue. I’ll be happy if I get a little time to myself before I go to bed. Today is a quiet day, its not going to be too long and I start my classes through closed circuit TV. Two classes Three days a week, then things get busy. I shutter to think what things are going to be like if I actually do end up being the Dream Catcher.
I wrap in a towel, back up on to the stool, get into the lift, and out of the tub. I look in the mirror as I dry my long red hair, pulling it back into a ponytail. I put on a little bit of make-up, taking a moment to decide what eye shadow complements my green eyes best. I look at my watch, it’s almost one, I better hurry, I don't want to be late meeting Luke for lunch. Quick check myself in the mirror before I leave the bathroom. Cute sweater, check, Nice jeans, check, good shoes, check. Having lunch with Luke has become a daily ritual. When I'm around him I don't feel any pressure to be anyone other than who I am. There are no obligations, no expectations. He always has such a gentle tone of voice and a reassuring smile. But I just can't seem to get this nagging voice out of my head that keeps telling me I'm going to mess this up, and self doubt that makes me wonder what he sees in me.
I put the thoughts out of my head as I roll down the hallway.
“Hey you.” I call out as I see Luke coming toward me.
With a soft smile he calls back, “Hey yourself, wow you look good today, anything special going on.”
I find myself suddenly getting self-conscious, I swallow, not wanting to be so bold as to say I was dressed up for him, I think quick. “I'm going dress shopping with Caroline, She's up for junior homecoming court, and she needs a dress.” Good recovery, I say silently to myself.
“Oh, I see, and this won't involve buying anything for yourself of course.“ He fires back, a smirk on his face.
“Well I didn't say that. I’ll just have to see if anything catches my eye.“
We round the corner and enter the dining hall. He moves the chair out of the way and eases me into a spot at the table. Only after I'm situated does he then take his own seat. If I can say anything, the boy has manners. “This little shopping trip won't interfere with you driving lessons will it“ He asks me.
“Do you really think I’d miss that for anything?? I say to him with a twinkle in my eyes.
“Well, it is shopping.“
“Come on, I'm not materialistic, I just like good clothes.“
We both laugh, knowing that was only partially true. We continue to talk over lunch. Luke is in an especially good mood as he has just finalized work on a new piece of equipment that would help me. He delights in inventing and tinkering with whatever technology he can get his hands on. He's upgraded the McMIllions computer network twice since I arrived, set up the closed circuit TV system for me to attend classes, and did all the upgrades on the van to be able to allow me to drive using hand controls. He's been taking time every day to help teach me how to use the controls and be able to drive again. Its frustrating at times, but he is so patient and I adore having the excuse to spend more time with him. If only I could have him put the controls in a convertible instead of that clunky old van. I guess I can't have everything the way I want it.
After lunch I part ways with Luke as he had further work to do. I roll back to my room knowing I have just enough time to do some planning for my shopping trip with Caroline. I think to myself I have my work cut out for me. Caroline is a pretty girl but, well, how can I say this, she's a tomboy. She is a T-shirt and jeans girl. Its up to me to play fairy godmother and turn her into Cinderella. Caroline knew I was homecoming queen before the accident, and she had come to me for help. I had visited the local mall and knew there were at least a couple of dress shops downtown. Two days earlier I had picked up a couple of magazines to get ideas. I loose myself in thought as I look through them.
A soft knock on the door interrupts my reading, Caroline is standing at the door. “Lets get this done with.“ She says with a forced smile.
“Come on, this is going to be fun, trust me. Think of this as an adventure.“
“I guess.“ She says, a note of skepticism in her voice.
I grab my coat and purse and we go our way. We take the 10 minute drive to get to the small downtown. As we make our way to the first store the cool September air nips at my wheels, “Remind me again how you got sucked into this.“ I say teasing.
“My friends thought it would be a funny joke if they nominated me for junior homecoming court. They never figured that I would make past the first vote. But here I am, one of the finalists to represent the junior class in the homecoming court. We have the assembly on Thursday to announce the winner. One homecoming court representative from each class, the senior class winner is crowned the homecoming queen. Personally this is my idea of torture.“ There is a total lack of enthusiasm in her voice.
“Its not that bad“ I console her as we start looking trough dresses.
“Yes it is, do you know who my escort is going to be? Kraig Freeze, the star kicker for the football team. He is so full of it.“
I smile back at her, understandingly. “Lets focus on the task at hand“ I say as I start to hand her dresses. Short, long, frilly, sleek sequined. Dark hair, blue eyes, I think to myself, black, red, blue. I pick out a teal green knee length dress just for the heck of it. Caroline heads to the dressing room to try on the first dress.
“I'm not coming out in this dress, the front is too low, and the slit comes up way too far. ? Caroline says with a mix of distress and laughing in her voice.
“OK then try on the next one.“
“Get the sales clerk, I'm stuck.“ She whispers, pleading.
I can't help it as I start to laugh and go to ask the clerk for help.
“Excuse me, my friend needs help. She's trying on a dress and it seems that the zipper is stuck.“
The clerk chuckles, in a sweet tone of voice “You'd be surprised how many times this happens.“ We walk over to the fitting room and she helps Caroline unzip the dress.
“This is mortifying“. Caroline says in a deadpan tone of voice.
“Come on, you have a couple more dresses to try on and then we're done....here“
“There's more“ She asks with a pained tone in her voice.
“Nothing major, we have an appointment to have our nails done. Don't worry we're going to have our nails done together. But right now you have dresses to try on. You won't get out of this.“
I roll forward directing her back toward the dressing room. She tries on a couple more dresses, the last dress she tries on is the teal blue/green knee length dress. She steps out, tugging slightly at bottom of the dress. I smile. “That's the one.“
“Are you sure its not too short“ She asks.
“No, it looks good, not too revealing, its playful.“ I say reassuring her.
We go up to the cashier and pay for the little jewel. Now on to the salon to get nails done. Before the accident I had my nails done on a regular basis, I haven't had them done since. We walk into the salon and check in with the receptionist. Right on time. Luckily it didn't take any longer to pick out the dress than it did. We pick out nail color, a blue green color for Caroline, and red and pink for me. I forget how good it feels to be pampered. I'm suddenly jolted from my thoughts when I realize we need to pick out a pair of heels to go with the dress yet. I look at my watch, OK we have a little bit of time to stop and pick up shoes.
“Shoes, we need to get a pair of heels for you, if we hurry we can still make it on time.“ I tell Caroline, just as the beauticians finish our nails. We pay the cashier and rush on our way. We stop in a couple of shoe stores, at the first store the sales associate tells us the only way to get the right color shoes is to get a set of dye to match shoes, which take a week, which is way too long. So Caroline and I move on to the next shoe store. Some way, somehow, they had just the right color shoes. Out of the corner of my eye I see another woman walking straight toward the shelf where the shoes are. I look at Caroline and she reads my look without saying a word and heads toward the shoes. She weaves and dodges several people and barely beats the other woman. Caroline quickly checks the size, luckily they are the right size.
I look at my watch, 4:45, we have a 10 minute drive to get back, I was hoping to be done by 4:30. We wait in line for what seems like forever, I look at my watch again, 4:55, I'm barely going to have time anytime to eat. I have to meet Luke at 5:30 for driving lessons. I really don't want to be late. It's 5:00 before we get out of the store, and that gives me even less time. Caroline can see my nervousness, and she turns to me and says “What eating you, you're usually so together, is something wrong“
“No, just nervous, I have driving lessons with Luke.“ I reply trying to keep the emotion out of my voice.
“Oh, OK“ Her tone of voice clearly showing she doesn't get the big deal. She pauses, taking it in “Oh, you like him“
“Well, kinda, I guess.“ I stutter.
Caroline giggles at my response. I feel myself turning pink. I look down at my watch, 5:05, and we're only half way back to the ranch. My mind starts to spin. We have to get all of the packages back to Caroline's room, get me something to eat, and then meet Luke for driving lessons. I look at my watch again trying to figure out if I can pull this off, 5:07. A red light, oh my gosh, a red light, we don't have time for a red light, 5:08. We are only a couple a miles away from the ranch. We pull in at 5:12. I have eighteen minutes to get everything done.
To the cafeteria, grab a sandwich, slug down some milk, 5:25. I drop off my tray and head for the entryway to meet Luke, 5:28. I smile quietly to myself, two minutes to spare. Luke comes walking down the hallway, a big smile on his face. “Ready to do this“ He quips.
“Good to go.“ I fire back.
Luke gets a mischievous smirk on his face. Clearing his throat he says “You may want to use this.“ As he hands a tissue. I look at him questioningly, he motions to my mouth. I turn red, I can't believe it, I managed to give myself a milk mustache.
“Oops.“ Is all I can manage to get out as I wipe the milk mustache off. Luke still smiling says “In a little bit of a rush“
“Shopping took a little longer than planned. I only had a couple of minutes to eat. I didn't want to be late.“
“I know, I know. Well, we had better do this if we're going to get an hour in before you have to meet with Sue.“
We go out into the large open parking lot in back of the main building. Luke opens up the van, and lets down the access ramp for me to get up. I pull my wheel chair into the small isle between the drivers and the passenger seat. I push myself up by a set of bars on either side of the isle and over into the drivers seat. Getting in is half the battle. I adjust my mirrors and seat using hand controls. I steer with one hand and work the controls with the other. I'm still trying to get the hang of it. Meanwhile Luke puts my chair in the back where it will be out of my way. He takes his place in the passenger seat.
“OK, one thing at a time. Go ahead and start the van“ He says as he hands me the keys.
I try to start the van, something I've done just the day before, but it just won't start for me. Luke can see the panic in my eyes.
“Take a deep breath, you can do this. Remember as you start the van, you squeeze the brake like this.“ He takes his hand over mine and squeezes it as I start the van without any trouble. I close my eyes for just a moment savoring the feeling of his hand touching mine. “Oh, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, I was squeezing your hand too hard wasn't I“ Luke asks with panic in his voice.
“No, no that isn't it at all.“ Oh no, I think to myself, you just blew it. Now you're freaking him out. “It's just, It's just....“ Stupid, stupid, I tell myself, if I tell him the truth I’m going to scare him off even more. My mind races to come up with the right words. Without even noticing my head had dropped down to my chest. Luke reaches over and softly with a finger lifts my chin up and turns me slightly to face him. I try not to stare into his eyes but my will power fails me.
We sit silently staring into each others eyes for what seems eternity. He looks down at his watch and says “You had better get going, I know Sue doesn't like you being late.“
“Oh, OK.“ I sigh. Luke gets my wheel chair from the back of the van, and helps me get out of the drivers seat. His hand on mine as I get ready to head into the building. His hand on top of mine, as we gaze into each others eyes. He moves his hand to allow me to go, without thinking I move my hand back by his. Softly, slowly, a smile spreads across Luke's lips. He gives me a gentle kiss on the lips. A quiet pause, the taste of his kiss lingering on my lips. Luke breaks the silence saying “I‘ll see you later“.
Still floating the only thing I can manage to get out is “OK“. On autopilot I wheel my way into the building, down the hallway, and into Sue's office two minutes late.
“You know you're late. What happened“ Sue meets me at the door.
“Driving lessons ran over.“ I say, still not totally with it.
“Ran over, was anyone hurt.“ Sue fires back, a sly tone in her voice.
“No, at least I don't think so.“ I reply, the joke completely going over my head. It then hits me what she had said, and I chuckle nervously.
“Your a little distracted. It’s bound to happen you have a lot going on with all of your training, and adjusting to you new life. Maybe we need to back off a little.“ She says a with a note of sympathy.
“No, no, no, that's not it.“ I stammer.“I just spoke with your mom, you've been here almost a month and she's and your dad are really eager to come see you. I had been under the impression that you had already invited them out, they were just occupied. I had no idea it was you keeping them away.“ The tone of betrayal and concern in her voice shake me.
“It's just things are so complicated. I have so much to learn about myself. I just don't want them to get caught up in this.“
“Your mom and dad seem to think they're in your way.“
“Oh God no.“ I gasp.
“I think you need to call them, I think they need to come and visit. They need to know you're ok.“ Sue's tone tells me not to argue with her.
“Do you want me to call them right now“
“No, we really should go over your dream journal and your charts. You did remember to bring them, didn't you?“
“Sorry.“ I say as I turn pink. “I guess I get a little sidetracked.“
“It's OK, we'll just discuss the dreams you recollect.“ Sue says in a reassuring tone of voice. I begin to tell her about my most recent dreams, bonding with the white tiger, and learning to interact in the dream world. We then discuss something that we hadn't talked about before, the use of my legs in the dream world. Sue cautions me about becoming to enraptured with that fact, as is the dream world the things a dream catcher views as a biggest asset often ends up a catchers biggest fault. As we draw the meeting to a close she reminds me to call home. As a parting shot she reminds me to be on time tomorrow, and to bring my dream log and paper work.
I wheel back to my room, the events of the day screaming through my head. Luke, my mom, Sue thinking I'm overwhelmed, helping Caroline, everything going through my mind at once. My hand trembling as I pick up the phone. ?Hi mom.?
“Honey, Sara“
“Yeah mom, its me. Sue told me you called.”
“I didn't know what else to do honey, I needed to know that you were OK“
“I am OK, it's just I'm working through some stuff right now. I love you guys.”
“I'm just so worried we're doing something to push you away.”
“No mom, you know that's not true, things are sort of complicated right now.”
“You have your own life now, it just doesn't feel like we are a part of that new life.”
“You are mom, you and dad will always be a part of my life. Sue asked me to call you to invite you to come visit sometime soon.”
“When“
“I don't know, whatever works for you.”
“Um, how about next weekend.”
“That's fine with me.”
“?Listen Mom, I gotta get to bed, I have to be up in the morning.“
“OK honey, I?ll see you next weekend. I love you“
“Love you too mom.” I hang up the phone. Happy having put my mom at ease but even more nervous trying to figure out how I am going to pull this whole thing off. I start to get a game plan together, I'm going to needs Ed, Sue, Luke, and Caroline help. It's just not the right time for Mom and Dad to know what's going on. That would jeopardize everything. As I go to sleep I think about the plans for when my parents come for a visit.
I drift of to an uneasy sleep. The alarm clock goes off. I'm back at home. I get up and turn it off. I stretch my arms, my legs, yawning vigorously. Time to get ready for the day. I open the curtains to let the sunlight in. My clothes are laid out at the end of my bed. My mom yells to check to see if I am up. I holler to her that I am and I will be down in a little bit. Everything is so perfect. The birds are even singing outside. I take a quick shower. My mom yells that I'm going to be late, and Paul hates it when he has to wait to give me a ride to school. I yell back, I am hurrying and it won't be a problem. I dry my hair and just as I finish I hear a car horn honk in the driveway. My boyfriend's here. I shout that I will be ready in a minute. I sit on the edge of the bed pulling on my socks and shoes. Before I get step out of the room I take on last look in the mirror.
I check my hair and makeup and as I look in the mirror I watch in disbelief as my face melts away slowly like the wax dripping off of a candle that had been burning for several hours.
I wake up sitting bolt upright in bed and screaming. The head nurse comes running into the room, she asks if everything is OK, I tell her I had the worst nightmare that I've had in several weeks. I ask the nurse to bring me a glass of water. As she does, I think myself, that it doesn't make any sense, things are going so well, I am just starting to reclaim my life, and now the nightmares decide to return. One thing Sue and Ed have taught me over the past few weeks is that dreams try to tells us things that we are normally not open to in waking life. What was this trying to tell me. The nurse comes back into the room bringing me the glass of water I had asked for. Before drifting back into an uneasy sleep, I make some quick notes in my dream journal as well as a handful of questions I plan on asking Sue during our next session.
I get a couple of hours low quality sleep, and wake up to my alarm clock blaring. I groggily begin my day getting myself out of bed, getting dressed, 3/4 awake I go get something to eat for breakfast. I weave my wheel chair back and forth into the training room for my daily work out with Ed, I can't even keep a straight line. “Moving a little slow today, are we“ Ed says with a tone of sarcasm in his voice.
“I had a nightmare, I didn't sleep very well.” I respond trying my best not to yawn.
“We'll keep the workout short today, but that means we'll have to have a longer one down the road.”
“Agreed.” I sleepily extend my hand to shake his hand and seal the deal.
We start the session with a series of stretches. for my arms and back. Next are some exercises designed to further build my upper body strength. This is followed by Ed showing me a couple of new attack moves. I do everything I can to stay awake. The session ends as it began with some stretches. Ed softly suggests we go outside and get some fresh air. He wheels me down the path and starts to tell me about what's to come next, stepped up physical training, certain preparation exercises for the presentation ceremony. I tell him about the things I have going as of late, helping Caroline with the homecoming court deal, and my parents coming to visit, In particular I tell him about my concerns about my parents coming and finding out what is going on before I am prepared to tell them. Ed tells me we will deal with that when we get to that point. I look down at my watch to realize it is time for lunch and I have to meet Luke. I thank Ed for being willing to listen and tell him I need to go grab lunch.
Ed wheels me back to the entrance way where Luke is already waiting for me. He is smiling as I come closer, I can't help but smile back at him. “You ready for lunch“ He asks me softly.
“Sure.” Is all I can come up with.
Well, there is a slight change of plans, We're having lunch in my apartment. I'm cooking for you.?
“Sounds like fun“ I say with a smile. At least something good is happening today.
We wind through the passage ways of the main building into a part of the building I had never been before. Luke explains that his apartment isn't fancy, but he usually doesn't spent a lot of time there. He gives me a brief tour, a small makeshift living room/dining room. We breeze past his bedroom, I just happen to notice that there is the same monitoring equipment that the rest of the patients have in our rooms. Maybe he's just doing some maintenance work on it. We end where we began in the dining room. Luke settles me into my spot at the table. I watch with a permanent smile on my face as he prepares angel hair pasta, chicken, and a salad. He serves me first and then helps himself. We talk briefly as we eat. I tell him that I had one of my nightmares again and that I was hoping Sue would help me figure it out. I deliberately left out details, not wanting to mention my former boyfriend. He tells me about some of the modifications he has made to our systems and some ideas he had coming up. Listening to him is so much fun, he has so much passion for what he does. I look down at my watch having lost track of time, to realize that I had to go back to my room get my stuff and get to my appointment with Sue. I thank Luke for the wonderful lunch and tell him that I have to hurry to make the meeting, and today would be a double session, as yesterdays meeting was short. Before I go he gives me a kiss on the cheek good-bye.
I wheel down the hall as fast as I can, stopping in my room just long enough to grab the printouts from the last few nights, as well as my dream journal. I then race down the hallway the other direction I hurrying make it to my meeting with Sue on time. I arrive just in time to see Sue waiting outside her office waiting for me. We go into her office, and I begin telling her in detail about the nightmare I had last night. Sue reminds me that dreams are messages and we should heed what they are telling us. I ask her what it could be telling me. She tells me that I am truly the only person that could answer that. She reminds me that ultimately, the dream world is no different from the waking world, you can't always control what happens, but you can control how you react. I slowly let her words sink in.
She then asks me if I had called my Mom like she asked me to. I told Sue that I did and that my Mom and Dad would be coming for a visit in a little over a week. Sue voices her approval with a smile. We discuss the plans for the rest of the week and the week to follow. I tell her I am nervous about my parents visiting, Sue responds saying not to worry as she has everything under control as far as that goes. She asks me if I am coming to the ceremony on Friday to crown the homecoming court, reminding me that Caroline would be crushed if I wasn't there. I tell Sue I wouldn't missing seeing Caroline make homecoming court for anything. Sue then looks at her watch and remarks that speaking of Caroline, they had to get to the store to pick up the last of the balloons and steamers because the girls and guys nominated for court were decorating the gym.
After eating dinner, I decide to a little research as to the meaning of my most recent nightmare, and maybe how to control the outcome. I read about the ways other Dream Catchers control dreams, meditation, visualization, biofeedback. But the main way the other Dream Catchers keep control in their dreams is to gain the best knowledge of themselves as they can, minimize their weaknesses and exploit their strengths. “Know thyself“. That was a lot of help, I don't have time for that. Frustrated for a lack of an easy answer, and just a little confused, I drift off to sleep. I am treated to a replay of the previous nights main feature. I wake up again, screaming. I had never had the same dream two nights in a row, it just didn't make any sense. The only thing I could figure is that the message was so important that it felt I didn't get the message the first time. But what was the message? It just didn't fit.
I roll over to look at the clock, time to get up. I grab breakfast, go to my workout with Ed, have lunch with Luke, a typical day. The big event was coming this evening. Instead of my usual session with Sue, and my driving lessons with Luke, tonight was the big homecoming crowning. I look through my closet to pick out my clothes for the evenings ceremony. Caroline came home, and we started to work. First getting her into the dress, then hair and makeup, finally shoes and her purse. She steps back and takes a look in the mirror. “Oh my gosh, I don't even look like me“? she says with a gasp.
In a flash the meaning of the dream comes to me, I can't believe I didn't get it. It was there all along. “Oh, Caroline I'm so sorry.”
“About what“ Everything looks so nice. I've never felt this pretty.?
“I'm making you who I was.” I say softly, on the verge of tears. ?You need to be you.?
“Well, this basically is me.” She reply, then pauses. “OK, maybe not so much makeup, maybe something more natural. And maybe tone the hair down a little“ she says with a sly smile.
We go to work taking off the make up, redoing the hair, and redoing the makeup. After we finish I look at her thinking to myself she is just as pretty as she was with the overdone hair and makeup. I quickly slide on my clothes. “We gotta go, we’re gonna be late.”
Ed, Sue, and Luke meet us waiting in the entrance way. We get to the school just in time. I wish Caroline good luck just before the crowning begins. We watch as they crown the freshman princess, the Sophomore princess, and holding our breath we watch them crown Caroline the junior princess. I am just about to start crying as I watch Kraig lean over and give Carolyn a kiss. The look on Caroline‘s face was priceless. I start laughing. We meet up with Caroline and Kraig and the group of us decide to go out for ice cream. For the first time in a long time I feel content, everything worked out the way it was supposed to. I stare up at the stars Luke by my side, munching Mint chocolate chip ice cream. I look across the table at Caroline with a big smile, a crown on her head, and Kraig arm on her waist.
