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We keep secrets to protect ourselves, to protect others, sometimes just to simplify things. Sometimes its as simple as not telling the whole truth when asked about something point blank. Its not necessarily a bold faced lie, but sometimes its all too easy to leave bits and pieces out. Then again to keep secrets is like telling a lie in that it is expensive in terms of time, energy, and sometimes it costs the very thing the secret is intended to protect. We all have skeletons in our respective closets, some more literal than others.
The week has flown by, with making all the preparations for my parents to come visit. Adjusting my training schedule, coming up with cover stories for certain activities, and back up plans for if anything goes wrong. You know what they say about Murphy's law, anything that can go wrong will go wrong. At least my parents were coming up now, not after I started my classes, or after the presentation ceremony. There would just be no way I could deal with them at that point. But they’re not coming at that point, they are coming tomorrow, and I only have one day left to prepare.
The alarm clock radio goes off, gently rousing me from my thoughts. I’ve been up for an hour just going over things in my mind. My training, my parents, the situation with Luke, everything that happened with Caroline and homecoming. It feels just like everything is moving to a head so quickly. I stretch my arms yawing, knowing I have to get the day started time is of the essence. I go over my schedule for the day in my mind. Grab breakfast, train with Ed, have lunch with Luke, a couple hours of down time, driving lessons, then the daily session with Sue. There are no plans for the evening however as I need to get a good night’s sleep so I will be rested when my parents come in the morning. Everything has to be perfect.
I get into my lift and out of bed, slip into my workout clothes, put my hair back into a ponytail and head out to eat breakfast. French toast is the order of the day, along with orange juice. I stare out the window in the dining hall at the bright sunny day. I take a couple of long deep breaths centering myself. I was actually looking forward to my training today with Ed, I have lots of nervous energy to burn off. I look down at my watch as I finish eating, good just enough time to get to training. I wheel down the hall to the workout room.
Ed greets me with a big smile. “Hey there, are you ready to go?”
I smile back saying “Actually I am. What do you have to throw at me today?"
“Well, I thought you could use some work with the punching bag. Maybe, just maybe we might even get you to have a little time training with weapons.”
“Weapons??? Sounds like fun.” I say with a slight tone of glee.
“We’ll start you with the basics and work up from there.” Ed replies in a matter of fact tone of voice.
He walks over to a wooden chest in the corner of the gym and rummages through a whole assortment of weapons, some fully functional, some specifically designed for training. He comes up with what looks like a broomstick without the straw bristles on the end. “Here we go” he says with a smile so proud of himself.
“A broomstick handle?” I ask with curiosity.
“Not exactly but it will give you the feel of hand to hand weapon combat. There are more fun toys in my box of goodies” He hands the stick to me and starts showing me how to hold the weapon, how not to, using the weapon to create an offense, and to aid in defensive moves. Then he goes back over to the box and grabs a second broomstick handle.
“It works better if you have someone to go against.” He says.
So we start sparing, moves, countermoves, I find myself acting on pure reflex and instinct. I’ve never handled a weapon before and it seems like I’ve been doing it my whole life. No over analyzing, no second guessing, the most at peace I’ve been in years.
Ed reads my look and says lowering his staff “It’s called being in the zone, everyone has points when they reach it, but a dream catcher can get there faster and easier. It’s an amazing place to be isn’t it?”
“The only other time I’ve ever felt like this is when I used to compete in gymnastics. Its like everything else disappears, I’m totally focused and totally confident.” I say with awe in my voice.
“It’s a necessary part of the package. In battle a dream catcher can’t be easily distracted or the results could be devastating.”
That bring reality crashing back on me. Every gift has a purpose, a means to an end. My athletic ability, my ability to focus, nothing more than tools. I get a chill down my body. Again nothing in my life is truly my own. Without even noticing my posture changes and I slump down in my wheel chair.
“That’s the only draw back. Once you come out of that heightened state of focus, there is a let down.” Ed says knowingly. “Every gift has a price.”
“So how do I get back to emotional middle ground?” I ask.
“A little meditation, or deep breathing should get you back to being yourself.” Ed suggests.
Ed puts the staffs away, dims the lights and puts on some gentle music.
He leads me through a series of deep breathing exercises and visualizations. After 10 minutes of this he turns the lights back up, the music back on, and excuses me from class. I head back to my room, calmer, but my head still swimming with all of the implications of the training session. I have a little bit of time to get ready and meet Luke for lunch. The driving lessons will be moved back as I have a double session with Sue. More training, more planning. I laugh to myself thinking about how busy my life has gotten. I kinda forget what it feels like to do anything for myself. Sue and Ed said that the regimen wouldn’t be easy.
There is a soft knock at the door, and I look up from my desk and my schedule, and it’s Luke, I look at the clock, its ten minutes before we are supposed to meet for lunch. He has a wooden basket in one hand and a gingham blanket in the other.
“I thought I’d surprise you with a picnic.” Luke says with a proud smile on his face.
“I’m game for that.” I say back with a smile.
“I know a nice quiet place we can have all to ourselves.” He says his eyes twinkling.
So we set off to this secret place of Luke’s. I hold the basket and the blanket as Luke pushes me in my wheelchair down a gravel path. The sun makes funny patterns through the trees that line the path. The winding path just seems to go on forever. Then we come to a clearing.
“Here we are.” Luke proclaims.
Without a word he lays out the blanket and starts taking food out of the basket as I watch. Then before I can say anything, Luke stops what he’s doing, comes over to me, “Let me help you get more comfortable.”
With a smile he reaches and scoops me gently out of the wheelchair and sets me down on the blanket. I put my arms behind me to prop myself up into a sitting position.
Its an odd feeling sitting on the blanket, I half expect to feel it against my skin, but instead it feels vaguely like hovering above the ground, the strongest sensation being the strain of my back, shoulders, and arms. There is a moment of silence as we gaze into each others eyes, the sweet perfume of the crisp fall air adding to the ambiance.
Luke breaks eye contact to look at his watch, “I know we don’t have a whole lot of time before you meet with Sue, so we had better start to eat.”
“Ok” I say dreamily.
He gets bottles of water out of the basket and grilled cheese sandwiches.
Luke tells me about how he found this place years ago when he stayed here, and how this was his place, his refuge, where he went when things got to be too much, and he hadn’t shared this place with anyone else.
This makes me feel special. I tell him about the little lake back home where I would swim and get away from the world.
As we eat I savor food and the time I am spending with Luke. Everything is just so perfect.
But all good things must come to an end.
I look at my watch to realize I had better head back for my meeting with Sue. “I gotta go” I tell Luke.
“I know.” He says with a sigh.
We pack everything back up, and Luke helps me back into my chair. We head back down the gravel path and back to the entrance to the main building. I have just enough time to go to my room grab my journal and the printouts and get to Sue’s office in time.
Just as Luke and I part ways we share a lingering kiss. Man I could get used to this.
I have a permanent smile plastered across my face as I go down the hallway to Sue’s office. I can still taste his kiss on my lips, and his voice ringing in my ears.
Sue greets me with a serious look on her face. “We’ve got lots to discuss, and not a lot of time.”
“I can take whatever you can throw at me.” I say confidently.
“We’re going to need every minute of our double session”
I wheel into the office and take my place across from Sue’s desk.
I set my readouts and my dream journal on the desk amid a pile of books. I think to myself, man, Sue’s really doing her homework.
She picks up the journal and readouts and starts to page through them. She takes a deep breath, takes off her glasses and sets them on the top of one of the books.
“Ok, your dream activity looks stable, nothing that we haven’t seen in the past weeks. Anything new or unusual to report?”
“Not really, I’ve just been stressing out about my Mom and Dad coming.”
“There’s really nothing to stress about as far as that goes. I’ve got that taken care of.” She says with her first smile since I arrived at her office.
She shuffles through some of the books and comes up with a stapled pack of papers which she hands to me. I flip through the packet and realize it is a nearly minute by minute schedule.
“You really do have everything laid out. “ I say to her with awe.
“I do what I have to do. Everyone involved has a copy of this packet” She says matter of factly.
She pulls out another packet of papers and hands it to me. I skim though them. “Contingency plans??” I ask.
“Just in case something goes wrong.” She says.
We go over the different sets of plans. I start to relax as the knowledge that I have backup sinks in.
After a moment Sue says “We also have some other things we need to discuss. We need to start going over mental and emotional preparations for you presentation ceremony.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
Sue gives a soft smile. “Well, we’ve mostly been focusing on your dreams and their meanings. There are lots of things that we need to go over. Things about the dream world, about your abilities, about how the dream world and the waking world are connected, the dangers involved, even your spirit guide.”
“I’m willing to learn.” I reply eagerly.
“We’ll lets do this one lesson at a time. We won’t have time to do a lesson tomorrow but we do have time to do a double lesson today. Let’s start off with some information on the dream world, and your spirit guide, and we’ll work on our way from there.” Sue proposes.
“Sounds good to me.” I say back.
Sue sorts through the books and decides on a precious few. She starts by telling me about the dream world. How that it varies from person to person, but that there are certain constants. Safe places, main thoroughfares, dangerous places where all bad things seemed to converge. Things burned into everyone's collective conscious.
“So is there a map?” I ask.
“Well, not generally speaking, but given time we can make a individualized map.” She says a thoughtful tone in her voice. After a pause she adds, “There are some things in the dream world that are collective conscious, and some parts are specific to you.”
“Should I start focusing on locations of my dreams in my dream journal?” I ask.
“It wouldn’t hurt.” Sue responds.
We start to discuss my spirit guide. Sue explains that the tiger is part self projection, part body guard, and part shepherd to keep me on the right path.
“Why a tiger?” I ask Sue never having considered it before.
“Well a tiger is typically a feminine persona, a representation of strength, and most likely somehow linked with your self image.” She says after a little thought.
“How much control do I have over her?” I ask.
“About as much control as she has over you.”
The comment throws me for a momentary loop. “Control over me!?” I stutter.
“That tiger is your partner. She has as much at stake here as you do. She will do whatever she needs to do to protect you, and that includes taking control of you.”
“Take control of me?” I stammer.
“You can take control of her too if necessary. But it takes time, energy, and focus.”
“Oh. I guess I do have a lot to learn.” I say softly.
“There is only so much I can teach you, there is only so much you can learn from books, there are things you can only learn from first hand experience.” She says knowingly.
“Basically I have to find my own way?”
Sue simply nods. She then begins to explain that there will be parts of the presentation ceremony that will test my bond with my spirit guide. There will also be parts of the presentation ceremony that will test my bond with Sue and Ed. There is a lot we need to prepare for. Mom and Dad coming tomorrow, the presentation ceremony, school starting.
Sue explains to me that I have a bit of catching up to do. Most dream catchers start out relatively young, between 5 and 10 between when they are discovered. I was discovered at 18.
We close out the session going over the next days plans for my Mom and Dad visiting.
I stop at my room to drop off my papers. I go to the dinning hall and eat dinner. I have my driving lesson with Luke. I take a good long bath then settle down for the evening.
I sit in bed going over the schedules for the next day. I look at the papers for a while, set my alarm clock and shut off my lamp.
I lay awake thinking about my Mom and Dad and what it will be like to see them. I wonder what they will think about the changes I’ve undergone. I wonder how they will get along with Sue and Ed. After running all of this through my mind I drift off into an uncomfortable sleep.
I’m in the jungle again, but this time I’ve found a clearing. I sit on a grassy little hill on the banks of a clear cool lake. I watch several tigers at play in the water. I realize one of the tigers is my spirit guide.
Along with my tiger there are two other larger orange tigers, the size difference suggests they are males. I watch as they play and splash in the water, romping and clearly enjoying themselves. I watch the white tiger run back and forth between the two male tigers playfully batting at both of them. I watch as she then brushes up against one of the tigers. The other male seems to take offense to the gesture and strikes out at his rival. My spirit guide back away as the two males fight viciously.
I wake up sitting bolt up in bed, not screaming, but crying. What on earth could this mean?
I reach over to my side table and use a tissue to dry my tears, and regain composure.
I make some quick notes in my dream journal.
The head nurse comes in to check on me. She softly tells me that I had been yelling in my sleep.I asked her what exactly I had said in my sleep.
She tells me I just kept saying “No, no, no.” I thank her for telling me this.
The head nurse says that I normally don’t talk in my sleep so she took particular note of what I was saying.
After she leaves I make some further notes in my journal and then after a little time I fall back to sleep.
Several hours later I wake up to my alarm going off.
My parents are due in at 11:00 am, so I have time for breakfast and a little bit of meditation time to lower my stress level before they arrive.
The more nervous I am the more likely they will be to pick up on something being wrong.
Before I even get out of bed I grab the schedule and go over it one more time. I feel almost like I’m going to throw up. I need to calm down I say to myself.
I get into my lift, out of bed, I get into my wheelchair, take a quick bath, get into workout clothes, and back into the wheelchair.
Just as I am about to leave my room there is a soft knock on my door.
I open the door, and Luke is standing there with a sheepish smile on his face. “Hey you, thought I stop by and maybe we could go to breakfast together.”
“I could use the company.” I say with with a smile.
We make our way down the hallway together. Once in the dining hall, we pick out a table and Luke gets me situated before seating himself.
I have pancakes and fruit salad, Luke has a Belgium waffle.
We take time to talk about things in general.
He tells me he can tell I’m nervous and asks me if there is anything he can do to help. I tell him not really, it’s mostly nervous anticipation. I tell him I should calm down when they arrive.
He asks me about what my parents look like, what they do for a living, and other such things.
I launch into my family history, I pause self consciously as I notice he is staring at me.
He silently reaches over and brushes a strand of hair from out of my face. He says it sounds like I have a pretty cool family.
I take a moment to reflect on the comment. I ask him about his family.
Luke shifts uncomfortably in his chair, after a couple of uneasy moments, he slowly tells me he doesn’t come from the best family.
“My mom and dad split up when I was 2 or 3, I really don’t remember my dad. I haven’t seen him since. My mom remarried when I was 5. My step dad wasn’t the greatest guy, he hit my mom, and when I was old enough to understand what he was doing, I did my best to try to stop him. That’s when he started beating me. The single best thing that ever happened was when my mom and step dad had me treated here. Sue and Ed are my family. They helped my mom get away from my step dad, gave her money to live on until she got a job. Even then things weren’t easy, she worked long hours, money was tight, we moved several times. She tried to make life as stable as possible for me, but she had other things that needed her attention. So I did my best to stay out of trouble and keep her life easy. I got good grades, and when time came for college, I knew we wouldn’t be able to afford it, and Mom made to much money for federal aid. Sue and Ed stepped in had helped finance my college. My mom is doing pretty good now, she’s got a better job, she’s starting to see some guy at work. I talk to her every so often, but she has a life of her own. I try not to impose.” Luke finishes off with a sigh.
His words sink in as I sit staring at him. “You’ve had a really rough life.” I finally choke out.
“The past is the past. My life is good now, working for Ed and Sue, and now with you in it.” Luke says with a smile.
I glance down at my watch. Almost time to meet my mom and dad.
Luke Taking the queue from me looking at my watch, and says “I know, I know, time to go. I’ve got lots of work to do today myself. Where are you meeting you parents?”
“The main entrance.” I respond.
“Let me walk you there.” He says with a smile.
So Luke wheels me to the main entrance. We part ways after a brief kiss. I tell Luke I will see him usual time tomorrow. A few minutes after he leaves my parents pull up.
“Hi Mom, hi Dad. How was the drive?” I say as I hug and kiss them both.
“Good, not a lot of traffic.” My dad says.
“Honey, someone else wanted to come with and spend a little time with you.” My mom says with a sneaky smile.
I watch with shock as my mom opens up the door and Paul steps out.
“Hey sweetheart.” Paul says with a big smile and gives me a kiss.
“Paul, what a surprise.” I say trying to hide my horror.
How can this be happening right now? This is the last thing I need. My mind flashes back to the dream I had last night. It makes sense now. One of the tigers represented Luke one represented Paul. My heart is just about pounding out of my chest. Just then Ed and Sue appear.
“Are we ready to take a tour?” Sue asks, reading my uneasy look.
“Ed, Sue, you know my mom, this is my dad, and this is Paul.”
“Nice to meet you.” Ed says, he and Sue shake hands with my dad, my mom, and Paul.
My mind races as we start down the hallway for the tour. My mind switches gears and shifts back to the planned schedule.
“I can’t wait to show you my room, and the rest of the ranch.” I say trying my best to sound excited.
“This area is so beautiful.” My mom comments.
“That’s partly why we chose this piece of land so many years ago” Ed replies.
We make our way into the dining hall. Paul takes his place in our little convoy pushing my wheelchair.
I tense slightly. This is so awkward.
Sue and Ed explain about the different specialty diets designed to limit the food triggers for sleep disorders.
From there we go to Ed and Sue’s office. Then it is on to the training room, again used to lower stress levels and reduce sleep disorder triggers. We stop briefly in my room.
I explain to my mom, my dad, and Paul, that I am the only resident with their own room, most stay two to a room.
Next stop is the upstairs Library, and some of the other classrooms upstairs. We go back downstairs to the dinning hall and enjoy lunch together.
Sue, Ed and I try our best to keep the conversation light, and limit the opportunity for questions to be raised.
After lunch we make our way outside and we tour the barn briefly, and one of the other residential buildings. Sue and Ed explain the “normal” course of treatment that patients undergo.
My parent listen intently. I’m glad that my parents and Sue and Ed are getting along well.
Paul continues to push me in my wheelchair. I try my best to cover being uncomfortable.
Why did he come? Hadn’t I made it clear enough that things are over between the two of us?
The group of us make our way back to the main building. We go back to Sue and Ed’s office and chit chat for a while.
After a few minutes there is a knock at the door. As if things couldn’t get more complicated Luke enters.
“Ed, Sue, I just wanted to let you know I finished the upgrade for the monitoring equipment like you asked.” Luke addresses the McMillions as he nervously scans the room.
“Luke, this is Mary and David, Sara’s parents. Mary, David, this is Luke, our systems specialist.” Ed says.
He shakes my mom and dad’s hands, the whole time glancing back over to Paul.
“And this is Paul. A friend of mine from school.” I blurt.
Luke and Paul shake hands politely.
“Listen, sorry to be so brief, but I’ve got more work to do.” Luke says excusing himself, but his voice is clearly uncomfortable.
This is all I needed to happen. Everything is falling apart right in front of me. Somehow the fail-safe plan we had come up with had failed.
Sue can see that I am agitated and upset. She glances over to Ed and makes a swift judgment call. “Sara, Paul, would you mind if Mary, David, Sue and I speak privately?”
“I guess.” I respond. How is this going to make things any better?
“Now I have you all to myself.” Paul says with a smile as he pushes me out of the room.
“Do you want to go back to your room?” He asks.
“Actually I know somewhere we can talk privately.” I say after collecting my thoughts.
“Ok, wherever you want to go.” He responds.
I direct him down the path to the clearing in the woods by the little lake. I go over in my mind what I need to do. We find a nice patch of grass
“Stop here.” I tell Paul.
“Sara, baby, what’s going on?” He asks, nervousness in his voice.
“We need to have a talk.” I say softly.
Paul stares at me for a moment. “I’m listening.” He replies.
I take a deep breath and speak slowly. “Pick me up out of my chair I want to be face to face.”
Paul unquestioningly lifts me gingerly out of my wheel chair and set me on the grass. He sits down facing me. “We’re face to face now. What’s happening. We’ve always been able to talk about anything. Now your parents tell me you don’t want to talk to me. I’ve sent you letters, no answer. Did you even get them?” Paul says with anguish.
My head drops as I stare at the grass. “No, I got the letters.” I mumble.
“But, but, but....” Paul stutters.
I choose my words carefully “That car accident changed my life forever. I guess I just never really wanted you to see me this way...”
“Sara, that chair doesn’t change anything. I still love you.” Paul says with tears in his eyes.
“But it does change things.” I manage to choke out.
“How?” Paul asks.
“Its just, its just...” I do everything in my power to keep from crying.
We sit there silence neither of us knowing quite what to say. All Paul can say is “Its just what?”
“I’ve changed so much, more than just the wheelchair. Things are so complicated. You deserve someone who cares for you as much as you care for me.” I say fumbling through my words.
“What is this? Are you breaking up with me?” He asks incredulously.
I finally crack, tears streaming down my face “Yes.” Is all I can get out.
Paul sits staring at me in shock. His shoulders drop and he sobs without saying a word.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I say more to reassure myself than him.
Betrayal in his voice “Does this have anything to do with that Luke guy?”
“This isn’t about him, this is about me. If you have to blame someone blame me.” I say coming to Luke’s defense without thinking.
Paul knows this tone in my voice. It means don’t mess with me.
Finally Paul says “I’m not going to change your mind am I?” He says softly after drying his eyes.
“Its over.” I respond.
Paul looks at his watch.
We both know that my parents would be about ready to leave. My mom has a gymnastics meet to coach tomorrow, and my dad is going to help.
I look at him, nod in agreement that time has come to head back to the ranch.
We make our way back through the forrest to the ranch.
My parents are waiting outside the main entrance.
“We gotta get going honey.” My mom says giving me a hug.
“We’ll talk to you soon.” My dad says hugging me goodbye.
Ed and Sue shake hands goodbye with my parents and Paul. After an uncomfortable moment or two, I shake hands goodbye with Paul.
I watch as the car pulls off into the distance.
Sue can see I’m upset, and she asks “Are you ok Sara?”
“Yeah I’m fine. Just tired.”
“Oh.” Sue responds not completely buying my story.
We head back into the building.
I excuse myself to my room. I’m just not hungry for supper. I close the door and what I had just done sink in.
I dumped Paul and I hurt him in the process. Oh God, what did I just do? I finally breakdown, and sob like a baby. I’m in mid sob, when there is a knock. Luke enters.
“Are you OK?” He asks with concern in his voice.
“Not really.” I blurt.
“What’s wrong?”
I grab a tissue and blow my nose before speaking.
“I’ve been lying to you. That guy, Paul, was my boyfriend. I didn’t expect him to come today, I thought by having my folks tell him I didn‘t want to talk to him and not answering his letters he would understand we were through. But apparently not. I finally broke things off with him for good just a little while ago.” I say between sobs.
Luke sits quietly taking it all in. He rubs my back trying to comfort me.
At last he says “Well, you’re not the only one keeping secrets. I have some of my own.”
“You do?” I ask.
He nods. “You know that equipment in my apartment? Well I am on the same monitors you are. After my stay here when I was younger we thought my sleep walking was cured. That wasn’t the case. I was in college, end of first semester, getting ready for finals. Well, I had been studying long hours, and under stress to do well, living off of coffee. I fell asleep studying, next thing I know I’m standing over my roommate, my best friend, screaming. The residential assistant came running and called campus security, but it was too late. I...I...I had killed my best friend. I had been sleepwalking and I had woke him up when I was trying to get out of the room, he tried to wake me up, but I over powered him suffocating him with a pillow. There was a grand jury trial and they found that because of my history of sleepwalking that there was not enough evidence to take it to trial. I moved back here with the McMillions, and I’ve been here ever since. I’ve done my best to redeem my life, finishing college by correspondence and helping Ed and Sue.”
