"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law."
"Every man and every woman is a star."

It has been nearly nine years since I first heard those words. Their resonance within me has continued each time I have heard them, and in fact has grown, as I have grown. They speak of absolute freedom. And of the ultimate responsibility. Its message; "Find your rightful orbit, as a Star through the universe. The path that leads to the manifestation of your True Will." The knowledge that I have gained, and the experiences I have lived in the years since that statement vibrated its way to the depths of my being, have been geared toward self knowledge, and finding my path. And as I have navigated the degrees of the Man of Earth, and now prepare to die, I have made an astounding (at least to me) discovery. I am a Thelemite, an initiate of Ordo Templi Orientis. And I am a slave.

There are many among us who practice sex magick. A part of that may include an SM aspect, a hierarchy of "Top" and "bottom" within the ritual. My entire life, in that sense, is now a sex magick ritual. I have entered a 24/7, Power Exchange relationship. And in doing so, this star has found her rightful orbit.

"I am above you and in you. My ecstasy is in yours. My joy is to see your joy."
"Be thou Hadit, my secret centre, my heart and my tongue!"

Within our relationship, I give myself to him, as Nuit to Hadit. She is infinite space, all possibilities. I give myself to him, completely and without limits, without restriction, without intent of self gain or self guidance. With absolute trust, and deep gratitude. For he is Hadit, my force and fire. The Light of my universe, the Light within me. He accepts that which I give him.. that which I am, and gives it focus, and direction.

"For I am divided for loves sake, for the chance of union. This is the creation of the world, that the pain of division is as nothing, and the joy of disillusion all."

Our relationship did not take form in an instant. The surrender of Nuit, and movement of Hadit to the centre of her universe, is not a short, easy journey. My submission to him is not a gift. The presence of his Light in my life is not a gift. We took the time to earn each other's trust and respect. To be sure that as the exchange of power between us commenced and grew, that each of us was worthy of and able to handle the power of the other. We grew together. We continue to grow, together.

"For pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result, is every way perfect."

My ego is counterproductive to my Will. Whether the result of abuse, victimization, an evolutionary shortcoming, or just the way it was meant to be, I can not say. But my ego is a destructive force, which if left unchecked, prevents the manifestation of my True Will. I must be bound to be free. Among the responsibilities he has chosen to accept in my life, is to keep my ego chained, so that my True Will can manifest, unencumbered. Rules and rituals, the control that he exercises in various areas of my life, punishment and humiliation when necessary, all are his way of giving his love, and his power, to me; to keep me humble, to keep my ego in its proper place, to allow me to be who I truly am. It is a goal to which he devotes a great deal of thought and energy. There are many areas where a lesser man would bend. I am eternally grateful for all that he does, and all that he is.
His ego, conversely, is a healthy and productive force in his life. It works in accord with his Will. It is therefore part of my service to him, to keep his ego well fed. The fact that I need him, that I cherish him, that I defer to him in every area of my life bring him fulfillment. Doing all that I can to see that his needs and wants are fulfilled is my purpose, and my joy, and another way that I may assist him in the realization of his True Will.

"For these fools of men and their woes care not thou at all! They feel
little; what is, is balanced by weak joys; but ye are my chosen ones."

Our relationship is characterized by its intensity. Pain is our pleasure. I've grown to trust him enough to leave my body in his hands and let my spirit take flight. He cares for me enough to create the means of escape to higher realms. His need is to inflict pain. Mine, to feel it. It has helped
break down the walls between us. With every stroke of his cane, or crack of his whip, with every ounce of pressure of his hands around my throat, his energy permeates me to my depth. When he looks into my eyes, and says "Suffer for me," my heart soars. He pushes me to the brink of the abyss, and catches me in a lovers embrace as I begin to fall. He takes me places that I would never be able to reach without him. The growth I have experienced as a result is astounding.

"The word of Sin is Restriction. O man! refuse not thy wife, if she
will! O lover, if thou wilt, depart! There is no bond that can unite the
divided but love: all else is a curse."

 

We live our lives in accord with Liber OZ. The bond between us is one of love under will. It is natural, flexible, it allows room to grow and explore, to pursue our own interests and our own path. Our relationship is polyamorous. I am not a jealous person. I have no need to possess another. But for myself, its not enough to feel that "I belong with." I need to "belong to." Only within that context can I feel safe enough to be who I am, and to be open to growth. I believe it is foolishly egocentric to think that our need to share knowledge, experience, energy and love can be fulfilled by one person. I have two children, and I love them both. I have a number of close friends, and I love them all. They each bring their own unique wisdom, their own energy, and their own points of view into my life, and I to theirs. I don't know why its so difficult to see that a "romantic" relationship can be the same, enhanced by the presence of others. We don't limit ourselves to being a "couple." We hope, in fact, to be part of a polyamorous "family, " to share ourselves and each other, what we have and what we've learned, for the benefit of all involved.

 

"The slaves shall serve."

The first time I read that statement, I viewed it as a negative, an admonishment against servitude. Obviously, a lot has changed since then. I now see that statement as an admonition to be who I am, fearlessly and shamelessly. To deny the journey that I have begun would truly be servitude, to conventional thought and morality. I am a Thelemite. I am a slave. It is my Will to serve my One, my Hadit, my soon-to-be Priest, the brightest of stars to enter my life. Our path together has been marked by progress, by success, by great joy, and by signpost after mile marker to guide us, and to affirm that this is truly the path that will lead to the accomplishment of our True Will.

"Thou hast no right but to do thy will. Do that, and no other shall say nay. "

This essay was not written to justify or seek validation. It was written from the desire to share my experiences, and possibly to help others gain insight and self-acceptance. We are encouraged, as Thelemites and Magickians, to learn from each other's experiences. And this is mine. Learn from it, if you Will.
Love is the Law, Love under Will.
Agape'

Quotes from Liber AL vel Legis . "The Book of the Law" are © Ordo Templi Orientis

Remainder is © 2004 The Serpent and the Lion.

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