Untitled Castlevania Crossover fic

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*yawn* Begin transmission....

It was all over. Maria was bored. Now that Dracula was destroyed and she wasn't going to appear in the next Castlevania game there was nothing to do.

"I think I'll go look for Alucard," she said, putting down the book she was reading and heading out the door.
After hours of searching through the forest she came upon a small house. Tired and hungry, she had no choice but to beg for lodging.
She knocked nervously on the door, hoping that a nice old lady would answer. She didn't feel like dealing with any slimey drunken perverts right now.

No one answered.

"Hmm..., maybe they aren't home."

She tried the door. To her surprise it was open.
"Hello? Anyone home?" She asked, getting no answer.

There were three bowls of food on the table. But no one was there. She didn't think anyone would mind if she had just a little taste.

"Great...," she said. "It's gruel. I hate gruel. But oh well, beggers can't be choosers."
She picked up a spoon and dipped it into the biggest bowl.
"AH! it's too hot!" she cried. "My tongue..."

She grumbled and tried the second biggest bowl.
"Eww! Ice cold gruel! Tastes worse than Granny Renard's goat tripe pie!"

She winced at the taste once more before trying the gruel in the smallest bowl.
"Hey...," Maria said to herself, surprised. "This isn't half bad... Infact... It's pretty good."
Before she knew it she had eaten the entire bowl and was fairly full.
"Hmm.... I hope they don't get too mad at me when they come home," Maria said. "I was really hungry."

Suddenly she felt very sleepy. Which was odd because gruel usually just made her nauseous.
"I'm so dizzy....," she muttered before passing out on the floor.
~~~

Meanwhile....

With his great axe upon his back, the fat woodsman headed home.
"Mwahahaha!" He laughed evily. "I just know that this time my wife trap worked. I can just feel it!"

When he reached his house the fat woodsman noticed that his door was ajar.
"Someone opened my door...," he said with an evil grin upon his face.
When he entered the house he noticed that his gruel had been tampered with. And the last bowl was empty.
"Heheheh.... Someone's been eating my gruel..."
He then looked down behind the table and saw the gorgeous babe passed out on the floor.
"Mwahahaha!" And some hottie drugged on faerie powder is unconcious on my floor!"

Suddenly Maria came to. "I must of fell.... asleep....," she said groggley.
"Dammit to Ganon!" The fat woodsman said. "I must not of shook that faerie hard enough to procure enough powder. Now she's awake...."

"Huh"" Maria said, looking up at the fat guy with the axe. "Hey! Who are you? What are you talking about?"

"Allow me to introduce myself..., I am Bagu. And this is my hidden cabin in the forest."

"Oh...," Maria said. "This is your house? I'm so sorry... But I was hungry and-"

"And you ate my gruel." Bagu said, finishing Maria's sentence.

"Yes. And then I fell asleep."
"Heh... It was the faerie powder," Bagu said. "All you gotta do is turn 'em upsidedown like salt shakers and shake em until all the powder comes out."

"You do that to faeries?!" Maria said, shocked. "How terrible!"

"But it makes a great seasoning for gruel. And a great knockout potion for babes!" Bagu said, laughing maniacaly.

"Oh god!" Maria cried, getting up. "You sicko!"

Bagu put his axe down and rifled through a drawer. He took out a blonde wig and put it on.
"Now if you would just wear this bear costume..."

Maria ran out the door before he could even turn around.
~~~

"What a weirdo...," she said to herself, still running. And she ran right into a girl carrying an empty basket.

"Oh I'm so sorry...," Maria said, helping her up. "You see, I met this weird pervert and- Hey? Are you ok? You look... Like you are in a trance.

The girl picked up her empty basket and began to walk back and forth as if nothing had happened.

"I hope She didn't get a concusion..., Maria thought. "Hey, are you alright?"

"No, I have no tomatoes. I have no tomatoes today." She said.

"Hmm? Did you drop them when I ran into you? I can help you look."

The girl said nothing. Maria gave her a puzzled glance and spoke again.
"I'm looking for a man named Alucard. Have you seen him? He's tall with pale skin and silvery white hair. Perhaps you saw him lastnight?

The girl just stared absently and repeated herself. "No, I have no tomatoes. I have no tomatoes today."

Maria's eyes widened. "O...k.... But have you seen him? I have a feeling that his sanctuary is this way..."

The girl said nothing. Maria noticed that she kept walking in the same "L" shaped patern.

"Are you sure? Positive?"

The girl looked into her basket. "No, I have no tomatoes. I have no tomatoes today."

Maria rolled her eyes. "Ok.... Never mind," She said, backing away.
When she was out of ear range she added, "I wonder what loony bin she came out of...."
~~~

After a two and a half mile hike through the woods Maria saw a castle.
"Maybe that's where Alucard is sleeping....," she said, smiling. "I sure wish I had gotten the ending where I follow him though because this is really hard work."

As Maria neared the castle she saw two strange beings. One was pink, the other was blue. They looked like jawbreakers with limbs.
Suddenly the pink jawbreaker was snatched away by a monster and taken inside the highest tower atop the castle.

"Lala!" The blue jawbreaker cried. "Lala!"

Maria rushed over and asked if she could help.

The blue jawbreaker jumped up and down, crying.
"Princess Lala's been kidnapped!"

"Calm down," Maria said. "Although I really don't have time for this I know what it's like to lose your love...."

The blue jawbreaker jumped up and down. "You mean you'll help me?! Thank you so much! I am Lolo."

Maria introduced herself and they entered the castle. Extremely repetitive music seemed to be oozing out of the walls.

"Each room is a puzzle," Lolo said. "We have to solve them all to rescue Lala."

Maria nodded and looked around, assessing the room. But it was pretty hard to concentrate with that music.
"Hey," she said to Lolo. "Where is that music coming from?"

Lolo spun around. "Huh? What music? I don't hear anything."

Before Maria could respond the blue jawbreaker began to explain how they would move onto the next room.
"You need to collect all of the hearts," he began.

"Then the door will open?" Maria asked.

"No, no... They only unlock the chest. They also give you eggs to shoot."

Maria was puzzled. "What? Eggs?"

Lolo nodded. "You shoot them at enemies."

"Oh....," Maria said. "Then the door opens?"

Lolo shook his head. "No, you gotta grab the gem from the chest first."

"Oh...," Maria said, slightly confused. The music was really giving her a headache. And after solving several dozen puzzle rooms she was ready to go mad.

"Why do they keep playing the same song over and over?!" She cried.

Lolo just looked at her strangely before speaking. "What are you talking about?"

"The music! It's the same thing over and over!"

"I don't hear anything," Lolo said. "It must be your imagination.

"It's not!" Maria cried. "I can't stand it!"

Lolo turned to a monster and shrugged. "Hey, do you hear any music?"
"Nope," the moster said. "Don't hear a darn thing. That girl must be plumb loco...."

Lolo nodded and took out his NES controller. He handed it to Maria.
"Press "select"," he said.

"Why?" Maria asked. "Will that shut that damned music off?"

"No, it's the suicide button. Lolo explained. "I think in your case it would be a blessing..."

Maria turned bright red and threw the controller down. "Look," she said. I'm just trying to find Alucard. It's not my fault that I keep getting detoured by freaks!"
~~~

Maria ran out of the castle, nearly screaming. By now she was hungry and tired all over again.
"I'm getting nowhere....," she thought, slumping down against a tree.
"Alucard...."

By now it was getting really dark and she found herself falling asleep.
Suddenly she was snatched up in someone's arms, causing her to awaken. She looked up and it was Alucard.

"Oh Alucard....," She sighed. "You wouldn't believe what I've been through while I was looking for you..."

"Me either, Alucard answered. "That's the last time I accept cake from a furry blue man in a dirty robe. I should of known something was afoot, being that he lived in a garbage dump...."

"You were looking for me in a garbage dump?!" Maria asked, shocked.

"Well....," Alucard answered. "Actually I was looking for a copy of Super Hydlide but never mind that... This fic is really bad."

"Yeah," Maria agreed. "Maybe we should end it right here before it gets any worse...."

Adrastia: "Hey! I heard that!"

End transmission