Meanwhile in Kalm...
Mayor Domino had just finished talking to the mayor of Kalm, Bill Diamond.
Mayor Diamond had never heard of such a situation in all his life. It seemed Midgar Gulch was having one disaster after another. He sure hoped the bad luck wasn't catchy. Kalm had had some problems recently with the Materia Cat Burgler but nothing as bad as having the sherrif and deputy turned to stone.
Mayor Diamond had searched through the police personnel files for a good pair of substitutes to fill in for Cid and Cait Sith until a cure could be found.
But Mayor Diamond was upset over what he had heard on the news about Shinra planning to bulldoze the surrounding area to make room for that planet-killing mako refinery. When it all boiled down to the last drop
of mako tea it was pretty clear that making money was more important to the Shinra than anything else. Even the planet itself.
But if the people of Midgar Gulch believed they had the power to fight the Shinra who was he to tell them it was fruitless. He just hoped that Kalm wouldn't be next on the list.
Diamond had narrowed it down to one choice and one choice only. This pair of law enforcers were a bit unorthodox and sort of mismatched but they had been partners from the beginning and even though they had only been on the force for five years there were no onthers better suited for the job.
Their names were Barret and Red XIII.
Kalm's police chief, Ed Burns sat as his desk awaiting the arrival of Barret and Red XIII. They were five minutes late.
"Look here Red!" Barret yelled. "It's all your damn fault we late!"
"I had an itch," Red replied.
"An itch? $@&%! Hell you were scratchin' for seven minutes straigh! Ya got fleas or somethin'?" Barret yelled.
"I most certainly do not have fleas!" Red yelled back. "It's hayfever... That's all."
"Well," Barret said. "I still think you need a flea collar."
"Ha Ha! Very funny Barret," Red said as they both headed into the chief's office.
Cheif Burns scoweled at them as they entered. "You are late," he said.
"Sorry," Barret replied.
"Anyway," the chief continued. "You've been briefed already on the situation in Midgar Gulch. So I won't get into details again. Just defend the damn town and keep trouble from brewing between the townsfolk and the Shinra. The last thing we need is a war.
"I have a bad feeling about this...," Red said.
"Is it your fleas again?" Barret teased.
Red snarled. "I do not have fleas! What I mean is that if the sherriff and deputy were turned to stone and if the owner of the general store was turned into a moogle.... who knows what will happen next."
"Don't worry about it," the cheif said. "Just do your job. If anything weird happens just call. We'll investigate. Anyway, you better get going now. You are expected to arrive by noon."
Halfway to Midgar Gulch Yuffie ran into Sephiroth.
"Hey, Sephy pie!" She said, out of breath and panting. "Thar's somethin' wrong... I gotta tell the sherriff....."
"Hold on Yuffie," Sephiroth said. "There's something I want to show you...."
Yuffie's eyes lit up as Sephiroth kissed her. She plumb blushed rose red.
"Uhh.... Sephy!" She said. "You do love me! I knewed it!"
Yuffie started to dance around like a bandersnatch with it's tail on fire when Sephiroth threw blue dust over her head, causing her to fall fast asleep.
"Sephiroth" grinned as he changed back into his true form. Lucifer.
"These humans are so stupid," he thought. "Tis ashame I am not allowed to actually kill them.... Damn eternal contracts!"
Lucifer really couldn't believe that Yuffie was dumb enough to fall for this old trick. He thought she'd be trouble for him, being so clever and all.
Picking up the sleeping Yuffie, he teleported her to Corel desert.
"Heheheh....," Lucifer said. "She'll never be getting out of here alive!!!"
And with that he went back to Midgar Gulch to finish his work.
In Midgar Gulch preparations were underway to greet the new sherriff and deputy. Mayor Domino had received word that they would be arriving shortly. The townspeople were ecstatic but Domino could care less. As long as he didn't lose his job and those sweet company paid vacations to far off places it was all the same sylkis greens to him.
Shera was crying in her bed, lamenting worse than ever. She had been staying at the Mog House hotel since she lived above the Golden Chocobo, which was now smashed and buried under tons of pertrified Cokatolis.
"Mah Cid!" She cried. "He's gone......."
"There there," Cloud said. "trying to comfort her. "Let's go to the town square, we kin meet the new sherrif and deputy."
The look on Shera's face could of scared a Zombie Dragon back to life!"There ain't but one sherrif and but one deputy in this here town!!! And that there is my Cid and Cait Sith!"
"Hold on there ma'am," Cloud said, a nervous smile creeping onto his face. "They are just gonna replace Cid and Cait Sith until we can sort this whole mess out right and turn 'em back to flesh. Now c'mon, whaddaya say? You been cooped up in here in the dark all mornin' and it's plumb near noon."
Shera began to nod, sobbing softly. Just then Tifa came bursting into the room.
"Hurry up mog turd!!" She yelled. "I sobered up fer this an' I ain't wastin' up my soberin' time fer the likes of you! An' if ya think so then yer plumb crazy as mako moonshine!"
Cloud scratched his head and began to speak. "What the Bahamut are you talkin' about?"
"You owe me 50 gil!" Tifa said. "You borrowed it for that wacko vending machine thingamabob at Wall Market? Remember?"
"Yeah," Cloud replied. "It jipped me!"
"Well ether to potions I don't care that it jipped ya!" Tifa yelled, shaking a fist. "But after last time I ain't never ever gonna let you outta my sight while you owe me money! Now let's go! We'll be late and I won't get a good seat an' they'll be all sold outta mako hot dogs!"
"Sheesh!" Exclaimed Cloud as he got up to follow Tifa out the door, Shera trailing behind patting her eyes with a tissue.
They met Sephiroth at the square.
"Where's Yuffie?" He said. "You'd think she wouldn't want to miss this."
"I plumb don't care where she is!" Tifa yelled, shoving throw the crowd. "Dammit! Ain't there no good place lefta stand! Son of a Shiva!"
"Well I don't care where Yuffie is as long as she isn't bothering me," Sephiroth mumbled, shoving aside a fat lady and stealing her spot.
As Cloud and Shera found a spot near the stage Tifa was still wandering around cursing and shoving everyone in her way.
"Dagnabbit! Ain't there a spot anywhere!?" She yelled, tripping over old man Gast who was snoozing by the statue of Admiral Adolphus Wedge. He had a big jug of mako whisky by his head.
"Heheheh....," Tifa laughed softly as she crept up to old man Gast and snatched his mako whiskey jug.
Tifa then climbed the ladder of the bell tower and began to chug.
"Hahaha!!!" She laughed. "I gots the best view an' free booze!"
Atop the bell tower Tifa was chugging her smouched jug and getting plenty drunk. She leaned over the window to see what was going on in the square.
That's when she noticed a red clad man lurking in the shadows by the feed store.
"The hell!" She she exclaimed. Spitting out her booze.
It splashed down onto Aeris' head. Making her cry ans she wrung out her braid. Zack junior, who sat by a tree playing with a stuffed chocobo laughed.
Aeris grunted and looked up at the bell tower just as Tifa ducked her head down. She was too busy with what Vincent might be doing to bother with that airheaded floozy at the moment.
"The hell....," Tifa said again, this time whispering to herself. "He's a gotta be up ta somethin'. Why is it that weirdo only appears when there's trouble brewin' anyway?"
Before she could say anymore she heard heard someone yell that it was three minutes to noon.
Tifa peered out towards the road to Kalm, which was just a crooked, dusty track of dirt. She could see something coming in the far off distance. Letting out a belch she chugged more booze as she watched the arrival.
Barret and Red XIII were riding in their squad car. They had been told it might be better to go by chocobo since motor vehicles weren't a common sight in Midgar Gulch but they were against it. Mostly because they both looked like jack asses on them.
"It's hot....," Red groaned, panting.
"Roll down a window," Barret replied.
"Can't we turn on the air conditioner Barret?" Red asked.
"And drain the battery?" Barret said, annoyed. "Heck no! Roll down a window."
Red grumbled and started turning the knob. When the window was all the way down he stuck his head out for some fresh air. Some pollen and dust got into his nose making him sneeze. Barret laughed at this.
"Damn hayfever!" Red thought to himself as they neared the town.
Tifa leaned halfway out the window to get an even better look. She saw something red hanging out of the window of a squad car.
"What the Ifrit is that?!" She said, squinting in the noonday sun.Suddely she saw what it was.
"My god it's worse than Cait Sith!" Tifa yelled! He's a freakin' cat or some kinda dog or somethin'! What the hell is Kalm tryin' ta pull here?!"
Tifa leaned out the other window to yell down at the people, to tell them what she saw.
Just then Johnny looked at the clock. In about five
seconds he would pull the rope to ring the bell. It had been his job to do so since the automatic ringer had busted a spring last month. No one
had gotten around to replacing it yet but he was sorta glad since it was the only job he could find since they wouldn't hire him as a bra inspector at the Honey Bee Inn, but hey it was their loss.
Tifa opened her mouth to shout. about two seconds before Johnny pulled the rope.
As she was yelling, "The sherriff is a flea baggin' monster!"
The bell rang, causing her to fall. She dropped the jug and all of the contents poured over Aeris, the jug shattering three feet away from her as she burst into tears. Zack junior laughed again, thinking his mother sure was funny today.
"What did she say?" Mayor Domino asked Miss Green.
"I believe she said the sherriff is a comin' closer sir." The lovely Miss Green replied.
"No!" Tifa shouted. I said the sherriff is a flea baggin'-"
BONG!
"The sherriff is coming closer everyone!" Domino exclaimed as the crowd cheered.
Tifa cursed under her breath. "I said the dang sherriff is a %@#*$ flea baggin' mon-"
BONG!
The same thing happened nine more times. Tifa was pretty mad too. Not to mention nearly deaf from the bell. She cursed herself and gave up.
"Let them deal with that ugly thingamabob!" She said as she climbed down the bell tower, knocking into Johnny at the bottom.
"Watch where the hell you are a goin' Aps face!" She yelled, pushing him aside as she stormed off to the square.