Back at Midgar Gulch "Yuffie" had just manipulated Barret into thinking Tifa was a violent trouble maker that should be locked up.
Well it was kind of true, but "Yuffie" made it sound even worse.
Sure enough at this time Tifa was laying outside of the Mog House hotel drunk as ever.Not wanting to let dangerous criminals roam the streets during his first
day as sheriff, Barret and Red arrested Tifa and locked her up.
Around this time things in Midgar Gulch really started to fall apart.
"Look here fatso!" Tifa yelled, shaking the bars. "Lemme outa here!"
Barret shook his head. "I can't. You're too much of a risk. And it ain't fat! It's muscle!"
"Yeah and I'm president Rufus!" Tifa snapped back.
Suddenly a little old lady came in with a pie.
"Hello, I made you all a nice, hot apple pie to welcome you all to Midgar Gulch!" She said, setting the pie down on the desk.
Tifa noticed there was something odd about all of this. The old lady was none other than grumpy old Mrs. Mimmet. And from what Tifa had heard that old crone hadn't had a nice thing to say about anyone in all of her 97 years.
"Hey!" Tifa said. "Since when do you bake pies you old crow?!"
"Why I love to bake pies," "Mrs. Mimmet" said.
"Yeah?" Tifa replied? Do ya love ta bake pies jus' as much as ya love ta throw tin cans at the lil' kids playin' on yer property? Why jus' last week ya chased me down the street with a broom for buyin' the last can of Mako Cooler from the gen'ral store you did!"
"You must be mistaken deary," the old lady said as she walked out the door. "Why would a sweet ole' lady like me do that?"
"Let's dig in!" Barret said eagerly. I'm starved!"
"Don't eat that pie!" Tifa yelled. "I'm warnin' ya don't eat it! Somethin' fishy is goin' on here!"
"I guess that means you don't want any?" Barret asked. "Oh well more for me!"
He then put half the pie on a plate and put it on the other side of the room. "There ya go Red. Sorry but I don't want fleas in my pie."
Red scowled. "I do not have fleas! It's allergies!" He insisted, scratching fervently.
About two hours later Red was scratching worse than ever.
"Damn...," he growled. "I wish I had remembered to pack my allergy medication. Hey Barret, you think they sell it here?"
"Don't know... I think there's a pharmacy in Wall Market. I should check out that area anyway. I hear there are lots of vagrants there. I'll get your medicine if they have it."
Barret then made his way towards the door.
"Hey fatso!" Tifa yelled. "Don't leave me alone here with this fleabag!"
"I don't have fleas!" Red said. "It's allergies!"
"Maybe I should buy you some flea dip....," Barret said half jokingly as he left.
"Look," Tifa said. "I told y'all not to eat that pie... Now it's too late. I think that weirdo Vincent might be onto something...,"
"Onto what?" Red asked, scratching away.
"You know as well as I do somethin' supernatural is commencin' here. And Vincent tried to warn me so's I could help him but that.... that thing got me locked up!"
"Yuffie? She seemed nice...," Red said.
"That weren't Yuffie! It was that dang whoyacallem..... Lucy'fur!"
Red turned his head to the side like a dog. "Lucy'fur?? Oh do you mean Lucifer?"
"Whatever!" Tifa replied. "Yeah him! It's got somethin' to do with Shinra. You know they are gonna tear this place down doncha? Well I'm thinkin' they don't wanna damage the land blastin' us out and they can't seem to force us to leave. So's they are commencin' to scare us
away!"
Red pondered this for a minute. He had a bad vibe about all of this from the start.
Suddenly something about the size of a frog jumped off of his body."The hell...," he said, turning his head to see what it was.
"It's some kinda bug!" Tifa said. "Looks like a big flea."
Suddenly the flea got bigger and bigger. Red started to growl at it. That's when it shot up to the size of a chocobo and gave chase.
"Ahhhhh! Help!!!" Red screamed, running out the door. "It's after meeeeee!"
Everyone on the street was shocked when they saw it. Their new deputy being chased by a giant flea.
Red ran towards Wall Market looking for Barret. "Barret! Help! AHH! It's a giant flea Ahhhh!"
Barret was leaving the pharmacy with the allergy medicine and some flea dip when he saw it. "I knew he had fleas but I didn't think it was that bad!" He said, dropping his bag and readying his gun arm.
But his gun arm suddenly had a mind of it's own. It started wildly shooting everywhere. People ran from Wall Market screaming.
"Dammit! %@#^! I can't %#*@ controll it!" Barret yelled. "Take cover!"
Cloud and Sephiroth had come to see what the commotion was about.
"Dear Jenova!" Sephiroth said, drawing his sword.
Suddenly the huge flea came at him. Swinging his sword he cut off one of it's legs.
Lame, the flea staggered around. Then it started to breath poisonous gas.
"Everybody evacuate!" Cloud screamed, casting bolt2 on the giant flea crippling it even more.
People ran everywhere.
Vincent took advantage of the ensuing chaos by breaking Tifa out of jail.
"C'mon," he said. "Picking the lock with a strange device. Let's get out of here."
"What's the catch?" Tifa said. "If I gotta date you or somethin' the answer's no!"
"There's no catch," Vincent said. "Let's just go ok."
"Fine!" Tifa said. "Touchy aren't ya!"
Back at Shinra Hojo was watching the ensuing chaos via remote cameras he had secretly set up. They were small floating orbs that were fast to hide and undetectable by radar.
"Hahaha!" He laughed, biting into a ham sandwitch. "Just as I planned.... Those stupid hillbillies will be running for their lives pretty soon...."
Pressing a button on his intercom Hojo contacted Rufus, who at the moment was busy trying to catch Mewtwo.
"What is it Mojo? I'm really busy here," Rufus said, turning the volume all the way down on his Gameboy.
"Umm, it's Hojo sir," the scientist replied, rolling his eyes.
"Who the Bahamut cares!" Rufus screamed into the intercom. "What do you want? Hurry up already!"
Hojo cleared his throat and spoke again. "If you turn your security cam to channel L4 you will see what I am talking about."
Rufus groaned. He knew this was probably important but he hated to miss Zoids. Reluctantly he tuned his security cam/TV unit to L4.
What he saw was a giant flea, already well crippled shooting various elements at innocent citizens.
"Mwahaha!!!" Good work Flojo! Pretty soon they will flee in terror and they won't be able to prove it was our doing. Now if you don't mind I'm busy," Rufus said, switching off his intercom and resuming his quest to
become a Pokemon master.
Tifa and Vincent arrived at Wall Market just in time to see the giant flea explode after being trounced with Cloud's Omnislash.
"What in the name of Jenova is goin' on here!" Tifa yelled.
"Barret turned around, trying to keep his out of control gun arm in check. "I put you in jail!" He said. "What the hell are you doin' out?!"
Vincent was about to explain the nesessity of his actions when Barret's weapon went out of control again, shooting through the window of Don Corneo's mansion. The fat "buisnessman" came running out of the mansion
in his bathrobe fanning smoke from his backside.
"Ow ow ow ow!!!!!!!" He screamed. "What happened!"
"It's the damn pie!" Tifa yelled.
"A pie didn't burn a new one into my butt!" Don yelped.
"Shut up 'bout that %@#$! pie and stop this crazy ass gun arm!!!!!!" Barret yelled.
Cloud cast Esuna, hoping it would work. Nothing happened.
"Stupid mog turd!" Tifa yelled.
Sephiroth suddenly lept up in the air, avoiding the barrage of gunfire and smoothly and clealy slashed at Barret's gun arm, chopping it off.
When it landed on the ground it exploded just like the giant flea.
The mayor held another meeting to deal with the currant events at hand. Miss Green of course did most of the work.
Barret however had to have another, curse-free gun arm attached and Red got a flea bath.
"It seems this is pretty serious," Mayor Domino said, rifling through various papers that he carried with him to make himself look intelligent.
"I say we war 'gainst Shinra!" Tifa screamed, shaking her fist. "I swears by a blue moogle it's all been their doin'!"
This insited commotion from everyone, filling the town hall with the clammer of hillbilly voices.
Barret then cleared his throat to speak. "Look here, I don't know if it's Shinra or not. It probably is and if that's true then we are in big trouble. Either way this place is gonna be leveled in a matter of days.
I thought at first that all I'd do was take this job to make more money for Marlene's schoolin' but that damn $@*% cursed pie made my own body turn against me. So I say we fight fire with fire and try to flush out
whoever the hell is responsible and beat em' down!"
"It's that damn whoyacallem'.... Lucy'fire!" Tifa said. "He done it! An' I think he killed that Yuffie girl. Not that I liked her anyway."
Sephiroth then stood up to speak. "I believe you mean Lucifer...," he corrected.
"Yeah, whatever!" Tifa said.
"Anyway," Sephiroth continued. "I heard rumors long ago about a materia sealed away by the ancients....."
"Well suddenly mr. bleach fer brains is a know-it-all historian!" Tifa mocked.
Sephiroth just shook his head and continued once again. "It supposedly summons Lucifer, the devil. Apparently do to some ancient contract with the gods he can't kill anyone. At least not on purpose. But he can cause plenty of mischief and make life a living hell."
"And he can assume any shape he pleases....," Vincent added and he walked through the town hall's double doors.
"Hey looky here!" Tifa proclaimed. "The red cloaked weirdo rides again!"
"Can it booze hound!" Cloud said, annoyed.
"Shut up mog turd!" Tifa retaliated, shaking a fist.
"That will be quite enough please!" The mayor announced. "Please, carry on..."
"Well," Vincent began. "Lucifer must of been dug up in the northern continent by Shinra. Rather than start a war trying to get us to move out they must of decided to scare us away."
"So what the mog are we supposed to do?" Cloud added.
"I think we need to lure him out and put him in a vulnerable position." Vincent said.
"Sephiroth agreed. "According to what I have heard he can only be sealed by either an ancient or a member of his own family."
After the meeting was over Tifa, Vincent, Cloud, Sephiroth and Red gathered at the hotel to discuss what to do.
"Hey fleabag?" Tifa asked, taking a swig of mako Jack Daniels. "Where's that fatso sheriff?"
Red scowled. "I'm not a fleabag and the sheriff isn't fat! It's muscle! Anyway, he wanted to talk to the mayor's assistant."
"Prob'ly tryin' to git a date!" Tifa said, belching loudly.
"Couldn't be more ladylike, could ya?" Cloud said sacasticly.
"No more ladylike than you mog turd!" Tifa shouted.
Cloud was about to open his mouth to retaliate when Vincent cut in.
"Enough!" He said, his normally pale complexion flushing from anger. "How are we supposed to get a plan started when you two insist on acting like rabid kalm fangs?"
"Yes," Sephiroth agreed, nodding. "He's right. Let's get down to buisiness.
"Yeah I guess you gots the right idea there bleachy. Ok let's git down to buisiness."
"Absolutely not!" Aeris yelled as she slammed the door in Vincent's face.
He knocked again. When Aeris answered she was weilding a frying pan.
"I don't care what y'all say! I ain't helpin a body that's in cahoots with that..... that drunken hussy!" She yelled out, pointing at Tifa.
"I ain't no hussy you flower sellin' sap headed loon! Now we need yer help! Midgar Gulch is is a serious heap o' trouble!"
Aeris shook her head. "Y'all are mighty lucky my daddy ain't home! Else he'd fill the lot of ya' up with lead he would!"
"Please?" Sephiroth said, trying to sound as kind as he could. "There is little time for discussion. We need an ancient to seal Lucifer."
"Not when she's involved I ain't!" Aeris answered, pointing her frying pan at Tifa. "I gots a heap o' chores! Scrubbin, sweepin' bakin' an' baby-tendin'. I ain't got time fer yer foolish mischief! Now y'all
better jus' up an' leave!"
Cloud stepped foward. "Not even for me?" He asked. "C'mon Aeris.... Please."
Aeris turned bright red and slammed her frying pan down on Cloud's head with loud bong. He fell to the floor cross-eyed, the top of his spikey hairstyle was flat.
"Hahahaha!" Tifa laughed. "That's funnier than when ya' got shot in the arse!"
Vincent shook his head and spoke to Aeris. "There was no need for that," he said, his tone was still calm and reasonable. "Don't you realize that this is all part of Shinra's plan? Don't you know that you live on part
of the land that Rufus plans to level for the mako refinery? We can't stop Shinra without stopping Lucifer first."
Aeris made a move to slam Vincent with her pan. He grabbed her arm to thwart her attempt and she started to scream.
"Oh help! Heeelp! He's a' tryin' to run off with me! Heelp!!!"
Old man Gast, who had been hunting Hedgehog Pies heard his daughter screaming and rushed over the fence shooting his shotgun into the air.
"You git the Ifrit away from my sweet baby girl you red clad freak o' nature! My baby's too good fer you!"
"See," Tifa said. "Everyone knows yer a freak you weirdo!"
Vincent ignored her comment and tried to reason with Gast. "It's not what you think sir.... Let me explain."
Gast raised his shotgun. "That's what that spikey haired nutjob said after he done went and knocked up my Aeris! Infact," he said turning to Cloud. "He looked a might sim'lar to you!"
Cloud, who had gotten up and was trying to put his spikes back in place froze. "How many times must I say this! Zack is dead! I'm not Zack! I'm Cloud you stupid old inbred hillbilly!"
Well, that was just enough to sent old man Gast over the edge.
He fired a warning shot into the air and everyone scattered. It was a good thing he was too drunk to shoot straight or Cloud would of gotten an arse full
of lead.