Meanwhile, In Corel Desert....
"Are you sure that you can fix our PHS Yuffie?" Rude asked, scratching his chin.
"Yup," the materia theif replied with a grin. "If I can rig my radio to spy on PHS calls than you can bet a moogle's arse I can fix this one."
"Whay are you doing listening in on private PHS conversations?!" Elena yelled. "You better not be spying on Shinra!"
"I'm not you loon! I listen mainly for them lovey-dovey conversations. The ones between Cid and Shera are hee-larious! I roll on the floor laughin' my guts out every time!"
"Really?" Rude asked, interested.
Elena smacked him upside his sunburned head making him cry out."Stop fraternizing with that hillbilly street urchin!" She yelled. "We're Turks not share-croppers!"
"I am not a hillbilly!" Yuffie yelled back as she checked various wires. Wutai is not a hicktown! It's a great place to live!"
"Then why aren't you there right now living?" Elena asked in a rather acidic tone.
"Because I'm here helping the likes of you!" Yuffie replied, her face turning bright red.
"Shut up and fix it already!" Elena yelled, he voice louder than before.
"Man," Yuffie said, giggling. "You really smashed this up Elena. You must of sat down on it pretty hard...."
Reno laughed. "Yeah I told you she had a fat butt!"
This caused Elena to slap him, sendng him flying.
"You's got a mean streak in you like I ain't never seen!" Yuffie said directly to Elena, who just turned the other way with her arms folded as she grumbled.
"You know," Rude whispered to Yuffie. "Those two really like each other...."
"I heard that baldy!" Elena yelled. "I do not like Reno!"
Reno got back on his feet, scratching his cactaur induced hives. "Yeah, she likes Tseng!"
Elena turned bright red. "No.... I don't. I like Reeve."
"I thought Scarlet liked Reeve.....," Rude mused.
No, no..., "Reno answered. "Scarlet likes Hojo."
Elena shook her head, disgusted. "Ewww! Scarlet would never like Hojo! He's a total dork!"
"Then maybe Scarlet likes Rufus?" Rude asked.
"No, now that I think of it she likes Palmer....," Reno answered.
"Gross!" Elena said, gagging. "What girl would like Palmer?!"
"Well then.....," Rude said. "Who likes me?"
"Hojo's secretary," Elena said. "Though I don't know why."
No, Hojo's secretary likes Reno," Rude said. "And Reno likes Elena!"
"Eww! You take that back right now Rude!" Elena threatened. "I like Tseng.... err.... Reeve I mean!"
"And I most definitly do not like Elena!" Reno said.
"Ahh, so you do admit you like both Reeve and Tseng!" Rude proclaimed. "Ha! I knew it!"
"Shut up!" Elena yelled, folding her arms once again.
"And Reno," Rude continued. "If you don't like Elena then how come you have a picture of her in your locker?"
Reno turned red and clenched his fists in anger. "What were you doing in my locker Rude?"
"Trying to see who you liked so I could make sure it wasn't the same person that I liked." Rude answered."
"And who do you like Rude?" Reno asked, still a bit mad.
"Well," Rude began. "There are a couple girls I really like and-
"Excuse me....," Yuffie interrupted. "You guys can finish yer little schoolyard chat later. I fixed yer PHS."
"Give it to me!" Elena hissed.
Reno got in front of her, blocking her way. "No Yuffie! Don't give it to her! She'll just squash it under her big fat moogle butt!"
This caused Elena to slug Reno in the stomache. He fell to the ground groaning.
"I do not have a fat butt! I never did and I never will! You got that you moron? And I'd never ever like someone and stupid as you! Ever!" Elena screamed loudly, out of breath.
Reno whispered that he was sorry and started bawling like a baby.
"That was really mean Elena!" Rude said shamefully. "You know he doesn't mean it when he says that stuff! I can't believe you....."
"Umm....., "scuse me," Yuffie said, trying to poke her way into the conversation as she put the antenna on the PHS down. "While you guys were fightin' and bickerin' I called that Tseng guy and told him where we were. He seemed a might relieved. Sayin' somethin' 'bout gettin' his paycheck and his chicks back."
"You talked to Tseng?" Elena said, shocked. "You have alot of nerve opening a Shinra agent line!"
"Hey," Rude said, helping Reno up. "She did the right thing. In emergency situations it's important to-
"Shut up baldy!" Elena said. "I swear to Bahamut I'm going to get reasigned as soon as we get out of this stupid desert!"
Yuffie just shook her head and sat on a rock waiting for Tseng to come.
The three Turks were still bickering and she was getting a gigas sized headache and it had Esuna written all over it.
She was wondering how things were going in Midgar Gulch."I hope the place is still standin'.....," she mused. "Perhaps I shouldn't of ratted out that Vincent guy... Oh well, like them numbskulls will be able to catch mr. mysterious anyway."
At Shinra headquartes Rufus was still trying to catch Mewtwo when his phone rang. "Dammit!" He hissed. "Can't these idiots see that I'm busy?!"
He picked up the phone, scowling as he turned down the volume on his Gameboy once again.
"Who is this? I'm busy!" Rufus yelled into the phone, popping a CalmAll. "Hurry up! What do you want?!"
"It's me sir...., Tseng," the voice on the other end of the phone answered sheepishly. "I found them."
"Found who?" Rufus asked, not having the foggiest notion as to what Tseng was talking about. He had gotten so caught up in Zoids and Pokemon he had forgotten about the missing Turks.
Tseng cleared his throat and spoke again. "I have located Reno, Rude and Elena sir. They radioed me from Corel desert. Well actually some girl named Yuffie did."
"Yuffie?" Rufus asked. "Is she a Turk too?"
"No sir.....," Tseng answered in a tired voice. "She's someone that was lost in the desert. She claims to know the location of Vincent Valentine."
Rufus shook his head. "Who?"
Tseng rolled his eyes and answered. "That guy you wanted us to find sir. That ex-Turk that turned vigilante."
"Ohh yeah, him." Rufus said. "Make sure he is captured Tsung."
"Uhh.... That's Tseng sir," the head Turk replied, spelling out his name. "T.... S.... E-
Rufus cut him off suddenly. "I don't care how you spell it! Just do your job or I'll fire you!"
"Yes sir...." Tseng answered, annoyed.
"One more thing Tsong," the Shinra leader said.
Tseng decided not to correct him this time since he didn't want to be yelled at again. "What is it sir?"
"That Melena, is she hot?" Rufus queried, grinning.
"Actually, it's Elena sir. And yeah she is pretty hot..." Tseng replied as he pictured her in a bikini.
"Well tell her I want to see her in my office when she comes back," the president said. "I'm going to ask her out. My girlfriend left me yesterday. She said I kept forgetting her name! Can you believe that Tsong?"
"No sir," the Turk replied, rolling his eyes again. "I can't imagine why she'd say that."
Back in Midgar Gulch things were going worse than ever. An army of rabid pygmy moogles were running amok at Wall Market and a giant fire-breathing Zuu had perched itself upon Don Corneo's mansion. Had the Don not been at old Doc Vargid's office getting gun arm bullets removed from his lard filled ass he would of had a heart attack.
Behind a saraha tree near the cemetery a small figure stood in the shadows laughing. "Hahaha! Soon me plans will be complete! No one will be standing in me way! Not even Shinra! Mwahaha!!!"
The small figure then started jumping up and down like a hyperactive poodle, clicking the heels of his shoes together.
Vincent shook his head and sighed. "Since Aeris won't assist us then we have no choice other than contacting a member of Lucifer's family."
"Ifrit...," Sephiroth said. "We must summon Ifrit."
"But I've never summoned a monster for anything other than to attack." Cloud said. "I don't think anyone else has either...."
"Ain't never tried it either." Tifa answered. "But what else we got? Nuthin'!
Vincent nodded in agreement. "For once she's actually right. When we summon him we'll just have to explain the situation at hand. If he doesn't help us-
"Then we're up mogturd crick without a paddle!" Tifa laughed out hystericaly.
"Stop it!" Cloud yelled. "We ain't got time for this!"
"Yeah yeah....," Tifa answered. "I know, jus' couldn't resist!"
Tseng was headed by way of Shinra helicopter to the Corel desert. He had a bit of a headache from dealing with Rufus but atleast he was far enough away from Shinra at the moment to alleviate some of the stress.
"Why did I have to work for Shinra! Why didn't I listen to mom and become an orthodontist!" Tseng said to himself, popping a mako aspirin.
Things had been alot less stressful when president Shinra (who's first name was Elbert, which of course was why he insisted people call him president Shinra) was still alive. After he was killed in a tragic
t-shirt launching bazooka accident at the 45th annual Shinra Bowl nothing was ever the same for poor Tseng.
Rufus treated him like a dog and was so caught up in anime, video games and CCGs that he could scarcely remember the names of his employees, or anyone else for that matter.
Tseng had considered quitting and going to orthodontistry school (just like mom said) many times. But he was the head of the Turks now, and after years of climbing up Shinra's corporate totem pole he wasn't all that sure that he should throw it away. But still, he was getting an ulcer from the stress and he had little time to go out on dates anymore.
As he was sighing to himself and rubbing his temples his PHS rang.
"Hi Tsengy-pie! It's mom!" A very cheery voice sang into the phone.
Tseng frowned. "Mom, I thought I told you not to call me at work anymore! And don't call me Tsengy-pie!"
"Don't be such a crabby kupo!" She said. "Sounds like somebody needs a nap!"
"Mom! Please...!" Tseng said, embarrased. "I'm really quite busy now. What do you want?"
"I was just calling to check up on my favorite sweety!" Mom's overly happy voice rang out. "I was wondering when I'm going to get some grandchildren!"
"Mom, please!" Tseng pleaed into the phone, his face turning red. "You ask me that atleast three times every day! I don't know! Look, the helicopter's touching down now. I gotta go."
"Ok Tsengy-pie! Remember, I'm not getting any younger. Hurry up and find a nice girl so I can have lots of grandchildren to spoil!"
Tseng sighed tiredly as he humg up his PHS. He really needed a vacation.