"So, we ready to summon Ifrit?" Cloud asked.
Vincent just nodded and closed his eyes for a moment hoping that this would work. He then summoned the large fire-breathing demon who burst forth from the depths of hell.
"Uhhh.... You know," Ifrit began, scratching his head. "I'm not really supposed to attack the people who summon me. But, if you have some sort of weird fetish about this stuff...."
"No! No we don't!" Cloud assured nervously. "We just kinda need yer help..."
Sephiroth nodded. "Yes, we have quite the problem, you see-
Suddenly Tifa broke in with a rude comment. "Ya know Ifert..... Now that I sees ya up close.... Yer uglier than Chupon's arse!"
Ifrit looked at her with narrowed eyes. Vincent was afraid there was going to be a fight if he didn't intervine so he quickly turned the conversation back to the issue at hand.
"Shinra has released Lucifer," Vincent began. "He's destroying the town. And Shinra plans to level this place in a matter of days. We can't do anything unless you seal Lucifer back up. Can you help us?"
Ifrit looked thoughtful for a moment then burst into laughter."That loser?" The demon said. "Hahahaha!!!!!!"
"What's so funny?" Cloud asked.
Ifrit spoke again still laughing. "Well for starters he's the laughing stock of hell! He might be king down there but there are more nasty jokes flying around behind his back than you could count! He's short, ugly and stupid. The only reason he gets to rule hell is because he's a lousy forty-four million years older than me! But I'm taller and way more handsome! Heck, I got his girl! Besides he knows mom likes me best
anyway!"
"Umm..., that's all very interesting." Sephiroth said. "But what about sealing him back up?"
Ifrit smiled. "It would be my pleasure! Oh I can't wait to rub that whole prom fiasco into his face yet again! HAHAHAHA!!!!"
"Look!" Rude exclaimed, pointing up at the sky. "A Shinra helicopter!We're saved!"
"Now I can get some creme for these hives!" Reno shouted happily.
"Yeah well, don't forget we still have to finish our assignment!" Elena said.
Yuffie scowled. "Why ya always rainin' on people's parades like that?"
Elena ignored her and started to fix her hair.
"Trying to look good for Tseng?" Reno teased.
Elena's eyes narrowed. "Shut up!"
Reno made a rude hand gesture. "Make me!"
"Well maybe I will!" Elena replied making a fist.
As the helicopter touched down Tseng fixed his hair and clothes. He always believed it was important to look good in front of lower ranking Shinra personnel. Especially female ones.
When he stepped out of the helicopter he saw Reno and Elena on the ground fighting like rabid dogs.
"Here's an opportunity to show how cool I am with the ladies," He thought slyly.
"Reno!" Tseng shouted. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Assaulting a female co-worker! You are suspended without pay for two weeks!"
Suddenly the brawl stopped. "Two weeks?" Reno protested. "But she started it! She hit me first!"
Rude and Yuffie both agreed but Tseng ignored them. He was too busy trying to be smooth.
"Oh thank you Tseng!" Elena cried out as if she were a damsel in distress. This was her big chance to nab one of the two guys she was after. "I don't know what I would of done had you not come."
"Think nothing of it Elena," Tseng said. "It's my job to protect my subordinates."
"I think I lost a tooth.....," Reno whimpered, spitting out some blood which landed on the cuff of Elena's pants.
"My new pants!" Elena screamed, clinging helplessly to Tseng.
"That's it!" Tseng said. "Three weeks suspension!" Without pay!"
"But I didn't do anything!" The red-haired Turk cried.
"Wanna try for a month?!" Tseng threatened.
Reno shook his head nervously. "No sir!"
"Can you believe this?" Rude whispered to Yuffie.
"It's better than teleevision," she whipered back.
"I heard that Rude!" You two are suspended as well!"
"But Mr. Tseng, I don't work fer Shinra," Yuffie corrected.
"Well..... uhh..... You're suspended anyway!" Tseng said in a very authoritative tone. There was no way Elena could resist him now.
As they were boarding the helicopter Tseng asked Reno about his face.
"What happened? Looks like some weird rash."
"He got stung by a cactuar!" Elena laughed. "It was hilarious!"
Reno looked down sheepishly. "No, it wasn't.... I'm allergic you know....."
"So," Tseng began. "You know the whereabouts of Vincent Valentine Miss Yuffie?"
"Yessiree I do!" She said. "He's been a hangin' 'round Midgar Gulch he has! Plus, there's somthin' a might strange 'bout him. He only comes around when there's some sorta trouble. Like this whole weird thing with
the giant moogle an' the Square boy's double. I don' know if he's involved or what really. I don't think he is but he's definitly weird."
"Yes," Tseng agreed. "He most certainly is. We've been searching for him for quite awhile now. We want to get him back with us. By force if we have to. President Rufus himself was just in Midgar Gulch on other business. However, even if Vincent was there Rufus wouldn't have noticed."
"I wasn't 'round when Rufus came but why wouldn't he recognize him?"
Tseng laughed. "Even if Rufus did see Vincent there.... He's to stupid to recognize his own grandmother without ID! I bet he wouldn't even remember Vincent's name!
Back at Midgar Gulch....
"So.... How are we suppossed to to lure Lucifer out?" Asked Sephiroth.
"Easy!" Ifrit bellowed.
"Jeezy you gots a loud voice!" Tifa said, covering her ears.
Ifrit scowled and continued. "Once that loser brother of mine sees me he'll come right out into the open. Piece of kupo cake!"
"You sure 'bout that?" Cloud asked.
"Positive!" Ifrit answered. "That moron never misses a chance to put me down! I can't wait to pound him!"
"This Lucy'fear sound like a real jackarse to me!" Tifa said. "I'm gonna kick his arse so hard he'll kiss the moons!"
"Hey," Cloud said, scratching his head. "Wasn't there some weird red-clad girl hanging around Midgar Gulch last month that used to say that?"
"Yep," Tifa answered. "Can't fer the life o' me remember her name though... Oh well who the Bahamut cares! Let's go bust up Lucy'fire! I'm hankerin' fer a fight!"
Sephiroth just shook his head as he watched Tifa punch the air and stomp on the ground grinning like a madwoman. "She's nuts....," he thought. "She's pretty though... Her looks almost outweigh her bad temper."
Meanwhile in the Shinra helicopter....
"By the way...," Tseng mentioned. "I forgot to tell you. The suspension starts after you complete this assignment."
"Oh man....," Reno whined. "Well atleast I'll get paid."
Tseng laughed. "Who said anything about payment?"
"Well then how am I supposed to make my rent this month?!" Reno asked.
Tseng shrugged. "That's your problem. Same thing for Rude."
"Umm, Mister Tseng....," Yuffie began. "I know it ain't my place an' all but ain't you goin' a little hard on them? Elena was no angel ya know."
"These decisions are mine to make young lady." Tseng answered, crossing his arms. He hoped he sounded authoratative enough. It was always important to show the ladies what a good father you'd make.
"Psst....," Rude whispered to Yuffie. "He wasn't like this when President Shinra was around. I think Rufus is driving him up the wall again."
Now Tseng would of noticed this and yelled again but he was too busy nonchalantly putting his arm around Elena.
"We'll be in Midgar Gulch in a few minutes Elena.," he whispered into her ear. "We could stop by the bar and-
"I thought we weren't supposed to drink on duty sir." Rude interrupted, causing Tseng to turn bright red.
"Ahem! This is a private conversation Rude!" Tseng yelled.
Rude just sighed in relief, glad that he didn't get another suspension added.
"Midgar Gulch sure is a dive....," Ifrit said as he walked towards the town square with the others. He couldn't seem to figure out why people were running and screaming when they saw him.
"Yeah this place bites moogle arse!" Tifa said, spitting. "I hate it here!"
"It's not such a bad place Tifa...," Sephiroth said. "It might be a hick town but when there's no chaos it's quite relaxing. I'm glad I decided to mend my ways and enjoy it."
Suddenly he was knocked to the ground by Tifa's Premium Heart clad fist.
"Stop always tryin' ta pick me up bleach brain!" She yelled.
Cloud and Vincent shook their heads un unison. Ifrit was too busy checking out Miss Green, who was coming into the square along with the alarmed mayor Domino.
"You were a tad harsh there eh?" Cloud said sarcasticly causing Tifa to knock him to the ground as well.
She began kicking him and Vincent had to grab her before she caused serious injury to poor Cloud.
"Stop it Tifa!" Vincent shouted. "Please!"
"What is the meaning of all of this!" Mayor Domino shouted to the group. "Have you all gone insane too? And why on earth are you with Ifrit?"
"We need him to..... capture..... Lucifer...," Sephiroth said as he got up, rubbing his temples and casting Cure on himself and Cloud. "Tifa went overboard. Again."
"I can see that." Domino replied. "Are you sure this won't cause more chaos?"
Vincent nodded. "It's the only thing we can do. Aeris wouldn't-
Suddenly he was cut off by a large explosion followed by a tidal wave of kupo nuts that buried half the town.
Barret and Red came running towards the square. They were being chased by polka dotted Behemoths.
"Enough's enough," Sephiroth said. "Ifrit, it's time to call out Lucifer.
Barret scratched his head and spoke. "How the bahamut are we s'posed to call Lucifer here?"
"I'll do it!" Ifrit said in his thunderous voice. "All I have to do is this...."
Ifrit opened his mouth, cupping his hands to it and began to yell so loud hot wind started sweeping across the ground. Cloud's shoe caught on fire and he bagan to hop around screaming, earning laughs from Tifa who
was chugging mako moonshine as if it were water.
"Hey Lucifer!" Ifrit called. "Get out here you short, ugly wuss! I'm gonna count to ten and if your ass isn't out here by then I'm gonna find you and-"
Suddenly a little man dressed in green hopped out of a tree and spoke in an irish accent.
"No! Please! Not the atomic wedgie! What is it that you be wanting Ifrit? Can't you see I'm busy?!"
"The hell," Barret began. "The devil is a leprechaun?"
"I know!" Ifrit said. "Atleast I'm good looking! I should be the devil!"
"Too bad lad, you missed it by fourty-four million years!" Lucifer mocked, sticking out his tongue. "Now what is it you want?!"
"We want you to leave Midgar Gulch alone," Vincent answered.
"Too bad freak show!" Lucifer laughed. "I aint done me job yet!"
Ifrit scowled. Here was his big chance to steal the title of prince of darkness. He couldn't mess this up.
"If you want to finish your little
job here you short ugly bastard, well then you are going to have to get past me and everyone else. Remember how you aren't allowed to kill humans anymore? Hahaha!!!"
"You be shuttin' up Ifrit! You can't talk to me like that!"
"I'll talk to you any damn way I please, stupid!" Ifrit thundered.
"Maybe we should evacuate town now...," Sephiroth suggested. "Things might get ugly...."
"Yes, you are right," Vincent replied, hating how he had to raise his voice above the shouting demons to be heard.
"Hell no! I ain't goin' nowhere!" Tifa yelled guzzling from her jug. "The fun's just startin' ain't it mog turd?"
Cloud was about to answer when Tifa shoved him into a pile of Chocobo manure.
She was about to make another rude comment when everyone's attention was grabbed by the sound of helicopter blades.
As Tseng's helicopter touched down in Midgar Gulch it was plain to see that Rufus and Hojo's plan was turning into a disaster.
"What the bahamut is going on here?" Tseng asked as he got out his PHS and called Rufus.
Rufus answered and Tseng could clearly hear the theme song from Pokemon in the background. He tried to stifle back his laughter as he spoke.
"Sir," the head Turk began. "I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news but Midgar Gulch has suffered some serious damage. How are we supposed to clean up all of these Kupo nuts? And the monsters..."
Rufus turned down the volume on his TV and answered. He hated missing Pokemon for nonsense like this. "Kupo nuts? Monsters? What are you talking about Tsung? I'm busy here. Very busy!"
Tseng rubbed his temples and spoke. "Midgar Gulch sir, it's practically in ruins."
Rufus laughed evily and he toyed with a spiderman action figure. "Good, then I don't have to waste valuable assets on bulldozing everything."
Tseng rolled his eyes. "But there's a seriously huge mess here sir. It will cost a fortune to clean it all up."
"So what you are saying Tsang, is that in the longrun I won't be saving any money, period? Damn! Now I have to go and replan the finances again! Thanks alot for ruining my day Tsing!"
"But sir, it's not my fault," Tseng answered. "But Rufus had already slammed the phone down.
"Somethin' wrong mr. Tseng?" Yuffie asked.
"Tseng nodded his head. "The president is an idiot... Let's go. We better do something about this before Rufus blames me and cuts my paycheck again."
At Shinra HQ.....
Rufus was absently shuffling a deck of Pokemon cards and mumbling under his breath about how much he hated the ineptness of his employees.
Suddenly, he slammed the deck down on the table and arose from his chair.
"That's it!" He yelled. "I'm fed up! If everyone at Shinra is too stupid to do something about this then I guess I'm going to have to march over to Madgar Galch or whatever it's called and fix it myself!"
As he grabbed his coat and stormed out of his office, Rufus decided that maybe he'd need just a little help. So in his way out he grabbed Heidegger, who was standing around doing nothing, just as always.
"Slacker.....," Rufus thought as he grabbed his shoulder. "C'mon, we're going to Mudbar Belch.... err..... Whatever! I hate that stupid name!"
Heidegger bellowed his customary and patented "stupid horse laugh", which earned him a smack upside the head coutesey of Rufus Shinra.
"Sorry sir...," Heidegger said as they rode the elevator down to Hojo's lab.
Hojo wasn't working. He was actually quite the slacker himself. He hated work. His day usually consisted of 90% slacking and 10% work, give or
take sudden variables parallel to the circumference of the space time continuim times pi.
Infact, language such as that is what made Hojo a ladies man. He knew he was a dorfus maximus. He knew he looked like a cast member from "Revenge of the Nerds". He was a skinny, bespeckled wuss. But, if one knew how to
use their intellegence to impress the ladies there was no way the babes could resist you.
He had once gotten a swimsuit model at Costa Del Sol
by making up some nonsense about how the sun's gravitational pull on Jupiter's fifth moon balanced the atmospheric pressure of venus in relation to the amount of sunlight the Corel region had on the twelfe of
December.
He was in the process of veiwing his "private" collection of pictures with said swimsuit model when Rufus came barging in. Hojo quickly shoved the naughty photos in between a stack of papers on Behemoth DNA and grabbed his cup of coffee nevously.
"Umm.... President Rufus!" He beamed, wearing an overly innocent grin. "Umm.... So nice to see you today sir!"
"Shut up!" Rufus yelled. "This is all your fault Flojo!"
"That's Hojo sir...," Heidegger corrected.
Rufus' face turned tomato red as he spoke. "Who the Shiva cares what his dumb name it! And stop that stupid horse laugh!"
"But sir," Heidegger corrected. "I didn't even laugh this time."
Rufus popped three CalmAll and smacked Heidegger upside the head again.
"Shut up! Who cares! I can't take this anymore! You are all driving me Ifrit bleeding crazy!"
Hojo and Hedeggar looked at each other, puzzled. Each thinking that Rufus looked ready for the loony bin.
Rufus grabbed both their arms and stormed to the elevator. They rode it to the top where the heliport pad was.
Rufus yelled at the operator to get him a helicopter in five minutes of he was fired. The man scrambled to find the pilot and had to pull him out of the bathroom.
"What the hell?" The pilot said. I'm on my break!"
The operator twirled his finger around his ear and pointed at Rufus.
"Oh... I see." The pilot answered as he ran to his helicopter and ushered everyone in.