Tseng and his companions ran towards the commotion at the square, smoothing his hair back so he'd look good. (personal image was ever so important to a high ranking Shinra employee like himself).
When Vincent saw the Turks he said nothing. "Let them figure it out themselves," he thought, his face straight and unshaken.
Tifa stomped down hard on the ground. "Great!" She snapped, shaking a fist. "Now them durned, grandfalutin' Turks is involved! An they's got that good fer nothin' little polecat Yuffie with em!"
"Hey!" Rude shouted back. "Don't talk like that to Yuffie! She's a nice girl!"
This made Yuffie blush and made Tifa smack her forehead and laugh.
Reno started to sing, "Rude and Yuffie sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-"
He was cut off by Barret who shook his gun arm in annoyance. "Y'all come here to sing or what?! Damn #$&% Shinra! This is all your fault!"
"We aren't responsible for this!" Tseng insisted. "This isn't our affair. We are here for a different reason."
Tseng then pointed to Vincent, who gaze remained unshaken.
"You!" The head Turk authoritated. (Tseng loved his deep and commanding voice. Plus it was an excellent chick magnet!). "Vincent Valentine... It's been awhile. But this time you won't get away."
Vincent shook his head. "As I told you before Tseng... I am through with the Shinra."
Tseng was about to say something when Tifa interrupted with a yell, tapping Ifrit. "Hey! You! You big ugly thingamabob!"
"Who?" Ifrit asked, looking around then pointing to himself. "You mean me? You must need glasses or something. I'm very handsome." He then added proudly, " I'm the hottest guy in hell you know!"
Tifa rolled her eyes. "How lucky fer the she-demons... Anyways... C'mon! Let's get this show on the road already!"
"You must really care about your town," Ifrit said, bringing a tissue to his eye. "Sorry... I get kind of misty eyed in these situations."
He then proceeded to loudly and thunderously blow his nose.
"I don't give a moogle's arse 'bout this town!" Tifa replied. "I jus' want the damn bar rebuilt so's I can get drunk again!"
"You seem pretty drunk now...," Cloud added.
He was then kicked square in the family jewels. He fell down in agony, making contorted faces that caused Lucifer, Reno and Tifa to burst into fits of laughter.
Tifa finally gained her faculties and spoke again. "Jus' fight Mr. Lucky Charms and seal him away!"
Lucifer laughed. "No one's gonna be sealin' me away!"
With a snap of his fingers, Lucifer grew several feet tall. Until he reached a height matching his brother's.
"Now I be as big as you! Hahahaha!!!" Laughed the annoying prince of darkness.
This sent Ifrit into hysterics of his own. "You think a magic trick like that makes you better than me you loser! Who sits at home every saturday night in his underwear watching Cheers reruns while his brother is off painting the netherworld red with Shiva? Certainly not me...," he bellowed in a mocking tone, singing out the last sentence like a little child.
"Shut up!" Lucifer screamed. "You stole Shiva from me at the prom! You ruined my prom!!!" He was jumping up and down now, creating thunderous vibrations that nearly knocked everyone down. As he jumped his tantrum
away buildings began to fall.
"Stop ruining my town!" Mayor Domino cried out. "I'll lose my job!"
Miss Green gave him a CalmAll and patted his shoulder. "There, there Mayor...," she said. "Don't worry.
"Lucifer is such a girlie name!" Ifrit mocked. "Mom must of really hated you to give you such a lousy name. Now Ifrit, there's a real man's name!" He bellowed proudly, causing his brother to scowl.
Lucifer's face went into knots of ugly grimaces as he caused a storm of Touch Me's to rain down. Many townspeople became frogs and Elena screamed, jumping into Tseng's arms. He smiled slyly. "Take that Rufus!" He thought. "I got the girl you wanted!"
One fell on Tifa's head and slapped her. Instantly she was transformed into a little green frog. She hopped around madly grumbling and ribbiting out nearly unitelligable curses.
Sephiroth picked her up and put her in his pocket, smiling. "I'll change her back later... With a Prince's Kiss...," he thought slyly, hoping a real kiss would work as well as the Maiden's Kiss did. She struggled and ribbited, unable to escape a pocked zipped shut from the outside.
Everyone else was glad that they remembered to bring their Ribbons and White Capes.
Ifrit laughed once again. "Frogs?! All you have is frogs?" He mocked. "Man Lucifer, you really are a loser! Take this!"
Ifrit waved his hand and Fat Chocobo dropped down on Lucifer's head. Everyone ran out of the range of the fat bird. When it disappeared Ifrit quickly cast Mini on him, shrinking his brother back to his original
size.
This was when Shera came running out of the hotel with a Mop. She proceeded to kick Lucifer in the family jewels, making him double over and cry. "That's fer turnin' my Cid to stone you good fer nothin'
bastard!" She screamed, preparing to kick him once more.
Barret held her back after the first blow, not wanting to be responsible for the death of the real sheriff's sweetheart.
Miss Green handed her two CalmAll.
Cloud suggested that they step back so that no one would get hurt. Everyone agreed and went behind the hotel.
"Hey," Yuffie asked, puzzled. "What happened to Tifa?"
Sephiroth tapped his pocket and opened the zipper a bit for a few seconds to let in some fresh air. "Don't worry," he answered. "I have her safe and sound in my pocket."
"Good!" Cloud said happily. "All we need is her throwing a monkey wrench into this. Especially now."
Inside Sephiroth's pocket Tifa was wishing that frogs had teeth. Atleast then she could chew her way out.
Suddenly, a Touch Me hopped around near Yuffie's feet. She screamed, remembering she was unarmed and hadn't equipped the materia she had been traded.
Thinking fast, Rude quickly obliterated it with an Ice Crystal.
"You ok?" He asked the materia thief, his face red as his sunburned scalp.
Yuffie nodded, also blushing.
"Hey!" Reno said teasingly. "Isn't she a tad too young for you?"
Rude was about to reply when the hotel began to shake.
"Earthquake!!!!" Red screamed out like a girl. He ran as the others did but his tail caught on a falling board. He jumped up, hair frazzled in fear. "Barret! Anybody! Hellllp!"
Barret ran back to help Red. "I'm comin' buddy!" He cried out as he lifted the board and snatched Red away.
The hotel fell, followed by a
huge explosion that covered everyone in dust and ash and various debris. Had Vincent not cast Wall they all would of probably been flattened.When the dust settled they all looked around. Not a single building was
left standing in Midgar Gulch.
Words could not describe the look on Rufus' face as the helicopter landed in what used to be Midgar Gulch.
There were beams or broken wood, storefronts, broken glass and various other bits of debris all over the place. He had seen landfills that were less of a mess. In the middle stood Lucifer and Ifrit, having a battle
royale.
"It looks like a garbage dump!" He screamed. "It'll take millions of gil to clean this damn mess up before we can build the refinery! And the refinery is already going to cost me millions! Even if we raise the mako
rates 100% it will still cost me a fortune! Hojo, this is all your fault! And it's coming out of your paycheck!"
Hojo gasped. He couldn't vacation on the sunny beaches of Costa Del Sol without money. No money equals no hot swimsuit models to oogle over. "Sir, I'm sure that if-"
"You were sure before Hojo!" Rufus screamed, popping a CalmAll.
"Calm down sir," Hojo pleaded. "It doesn't look that bad... Really..."
Rufus turned tomato red. "It doesn't look that bad?! It doesn't look that bad?!!!! Mudgar Glich is a crater Hojo! A CRATER!!!!"
The president becan to hypervenilate. He popped three more CalmAll and tried to collect himself. No one had ever seen him this upset before. Even Heidegger was too
scared to laugh his stupid horse laugh for fear it may cost him his job.
Rufus threw open the door of the helicopter and got out. He started marching angerly towards the demonic confrontation before him.
"Umm... Sir?" Heidegger asked nervously. "Are you sure it's safe to just-"
"Shut up fatso!" Rufus yelled as he made his way to Lucifer and Ifrit. "You.... You are ruining my plans!" He screamed to the demons.
As they turned to look at him, Vincent and the others ran up. Tseng tried to stop Rufus but was pushed away.
"Please... Sir... It's dangerous!" The head Turk pleaded.
"Can't you see what they did to my town!?" Rufus said. "Look at it... Now it'll take an extra year to clean up this stupid mess and build my refinery!"
"This town don't belong to you!" Yuffie cried out. "It belongs to the people that work an' live here! And you ain't got no right ta tear it down fer some blasted refine'ry!"
A vein popped from Rufus' forehead. "You, miss.... are... FIRED!"
"I ain't never worked fer you! And I ain't never gonna! Tseng told me you were stupid but I never thought you'd be stupid enough to not be able to recognize yer own employees!"
Rufus turned towards Tseng. "What is this girl saying Tsang? You think I'm stupid?! You are fired too! You all are fired! FIRED! FIRED! FIRED!!!!"
Tseng winced. "Sir.... I didn't do anything!"
Rufus screamed and kicked a piece of charred wood. "I don't give a chocobo's ass Tsing! You are just another thorn in my side! Melena... Felena... whatever! You can be my "personal" assistant but everyone else in Shinra is fired!"
"And how do you plan to run the world by yourself Rufus?" Vincent asked.
Rufus looked up at him and a lightbulb went off in his head. "Vincent!" He cried. "You are fired even before you are rehired! I don't need anyone! You are all a bunch of fools!"
He popped another CalmAll and took out his PHS. He dialed his private employee line and began to yell at various personal, telling then that they were all fired.
This is when Lucifer took advantage of the whole situation.
He snapped his fingers and suddenly Rufus was shackled to a fifty foot wall. Snapping his fingers again, a huge cokatolis appeared.
"That's the same thing that turned my Cid to stone!" Shera cried out.
Cloud tried to calm her but it was no use.
"Hey!" Ifrit said. "You aren't playing fair! "This battle is supposed to be between you and me! Or are you too much of a chicken wuss to take me on brother?!"
Lucifer just laughed and made his declaration. "If you don't be gettin' out of here Ifrit, I'll be turnin' this here blarney lad to stone!"
He then began to fight with Ifrit, who refused to back down.
"Get me off of this wall!" Rufus screamed. His hands were shackled and he couldn't reach his bottle of CalmAll and without it he really started to panic. "Heidogger! Gojo! Tslang! Get me off of this wall before I have you all executed for treason!"
Tseng clenched his fists and kicked the wall. "Dammit! My name is Tseng! T-S-E-N-G, Tseng! Even my senile aunt Edna can remember my name! You are so damn stupid! I hope you do get turned to stone so someone more competent can take over!"
Tseng was turning red and sweating, Cloud tossed him a CalmAll and he swallowed it with a gulp. Rufus began to cry.
"We can't leave him there...," Hojo said. "I never thought that this would become so dangerous..."
"Dangerous?!" Shera screamed as she began to beat the pulp out of Hojo. "I'll show you dangerous! B'cause of you my Cid is turned ta stone! An' if you an' yer nitwit Shinra lackeys don't do somethin' ta git rod of
Lucifer an' turn Cid and Cait back ta flesh an' bone then I'm gonna steal a tank an mow down sector zero myself!!!"
"Ok, ok, lady!" Rude pleaded. "We understand. We aren't even involved in this. So please don't hurt me or the other Turks! We'll help you stop Lucifer. But we have to be quick."
Reno nodded. "Yes... I guess we gotta help you."
Tseng and Elena also nodded in agreement.
Hojo, who had just cast Full Cure on himself grabbed Heidegger and said, "This was all my fault. I guess I have an obligation to do something being that the president's life is now in danger. And so do you, Heideggar. Right?"
Heideggar tried to slink away but Cloud grabbed him. "No way fatso! Your precious president is in danger and he can't hire you back if he's a damn statue! Now get off your lazy ass for once and do something valuable!"
Red nodded and tapped barret with his tail. "If we all work together to distract the leprechaun..."
"But how?" Sephiroth said.
"There's nowhere left to hide," Vincent mused. "It's too dangerous to try anything with us all out in the open like this..."
"It's hopeless isn't it?" Tseng said quietly. "Goodbye handsome face and gorgeous well toned body... I just hope I'm not reincarnated as something ugly, like a vlakorados...."
"Hey!" Shera cried. "Ain't no one here givin' up what with Cid bein' turned t stone! I ain't gonna marry a statue! And I sure as carob nut pie can't get married if I'm dead! Would Cid give up? Hell no he wouldn't!"
Cloud nodded. "She's right... There has to be a way."