Sour Cream & Salsa Porkrinds

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"Heheheh...," Reno laughed evily. "This is gonna be soooo funny. Wait 'til Elena sees this!"

Reno had just bought the new issue of his favorite hentai manga, "Super Hot Rod Rocket Gals". The plot centered around four hotties on space cycles who rode around saving the universe by pleasuring super villains into surrendering.

He had opened the manga to his favorite panel on page five. "That position can't be humanly possible? Can it?" Reno thought to himself as he opened the top drawer of Elena's desk, ready to place the manga inside turned to the infamous page that he was currently looking at. "I wonder what Tseng will think-"

"Think about what?" a voice said from behind Reno.

"OMG!" Reno panicked. "T-Tseng...."

"What are you doing in Elena's desk?" He asked in a tone that did not sound very amused.

"Well... Umm.... Nothing! I swear!"

"Then what's that in your hand, Reno?" Tseng inquired. "Give it to me. Now."

"Are you sure?" Reno asked. He knew Tseng would have a litter if he caught him with hentai again.

"I said now, Reno. Hand it over." Tseng demaded calmly.

"Ok...," Reno replied, slowly handing the manga to Tseng, who tore it from his hand and looked at it with disgust.

"Hentai? Again? What have I told you about this smut? Keep your hentai at home. What if someone thought this was mine? I don't want people thinking that I read this garbage."
Tseng glanced down at page five, his expression unchanged, he remarked, "That position is not humanly possible. Anyway, you were planning on leaving this little surprise in Elena's desk, weren't you?"

"Umm... Well..."

"Don't lie to me," Tseng said sternly. "This kind of thing might be funny if you were in sixth grade, but at your age it's just pathetic. Do you realise how disgusting and disrespectful a prank like this would be? Not to mention that these days it would probably cause you to get slapped with a lawsuit for sexual harassment. And you'd deserve it too."

"So I guess I'll just take this home with me then," Reno said quicky, stuffing the manga into his back pocket.

"I don't think so," Tseng said. "The only place you'll be taking that garbage to is the incinerator."

"But... This cost me 10 gil!"

"I don't care if it cost you all the tea in Wutai," Tseng said, his eyes narrowing.

"Aww c'mon, boss!" Reno whined.

"Incinerator! Now!" Tseng commanded, walking into his office and slamming the door behind him.

"Damn, I musta pissed him off," Reno muttered to himself. "I guess I really have to incinerate this one. Unlike the other five that I just stuck in my pants til I got home."

Reno made his way down the hall to the incinerator. Because the Shinra Building was so tall, every floor was equipped with an incinerator to make things easier on the cleaning staff. In order to get to the incinerator one had to pass a bank of vending machines. They were universally known as the best vending machines in the building.

"Sour cream & salsa porkrinds...," Reno drooled as he passed the machines. "And I could really go for a Chocobo Cola right now."
Since drinking on duty was forbidden , Reno had developed quite a soda addiction. On average he knocked back about five or six Chocobo Colas a day.

"Oh how I'd love to get about five bags of those heavenly porkrinds and a six pack of Chocobo Cola right now," Reno mused. "But I better take care of this first, before Tseng chews me out even worse. What kinda guy doesn't like hentai anyway? Tseng sure has bad taste in entertainment. I bet he listens to opera or something lame like that. Oh Tseng! Take me to the opera!" Reno cried, in his best Elena impression, as he headed towards the incinerator, laughing hysterically.

The horrid business of burning up 10 gil worth of hentai behind him, Reno walked back to the vending machines whistling and jingling the change in his pockets. He reached in to take out a 25 cent coin when he looked up and saw Helga, the old, morbidly obese cleaning lady that made Palmer look like he belonged on Baywatch. And the worst part was, she was buying up all the sour cream & salsa porkrinds!

"OMG! That cow!" Reno cried. "Those are my porkrinds!"

Just then Rude was walking down the hall in the opposite direction. Reno grabbed his arm. "Rude! You gotta help me! It's an emergency!"

"What's wrong?" Rude asked. "What happened?"

Reno pulled Rude closer and whispered seriously into his ear, "Porkrinds."

"Porkrinds?" Rude answered, confused.

"Shhh! Helga will hear you!" Reno whispered.

"Are you feeling ok, Reno?" Rude asked, concerned. "Do you have a fever? You didn't fall for Hojo's "Special Brownies" experiment again did you?"

Reno pulled Rude into a corner and out of Helga's sight. "No and hell no!" Reno answered back. "And I'm feeling just peachy. But Faterella over there is buying up all the sour cream & salsa porkrinds as we speak!"

"So?" Rude answered. "Find another vending machine. Simple as that."

"You don't understand! That's the only vending machine in the building that sells sour cream & salsa porkrinds! The only one!"

"So get something else, Reno, you're starting to scare me."

Reno was starting to get hysterical. "Those were my porkrinds! Mine! I saw 'em first! She stole them and I don't want anything else!"

"Why don't you ask her if you can have a bag?" Rude asked.

"Oh c'mon! Are you crazy? Fat people never share their food! This is where you come in, Rude.

"Me?"

"Yeah. See I'd take her on myself but she's got about 300 pounds on me. If she sits on me I'm done for. But atleast you have a fighting chance. So all you have to do is rough her up and get me my porkrinds!"

"I can't beat up an old lady and steal her porkrinds, Reno." Rude answered, horrified."What kind of guy do you think I am?"

"Apparently the kind of guy who doesn't care enough about his best buddy Reno to punch that old bag in the throat and reclaim the porkrinds that rightfully belong to me!"

"Reno, you sound like you're addicted to drugs." Rude said. He was starting to get more than scared. Reno looked like he needed serious medical attention right now.

"Hey! I can't help it if sour cream & salsa porkrinds are a highly addictive snackfood!" Reno cried. "It's not my fault. Now are you gonna mug that buffalo chick or what?"

"Absolutely not. I don't even like porkrinds," Rude said. "I don't see why you are so crazy over them. I'm going to get you some help. Don't move from this spot, ok?"

Rude was already rushing down the hall before Reno could say anything. Reno sprung out from the corner and saw that Helga was gone.

"Oh god! I'm too late. Thanks alot, Rude!" Reno cried angrily as he walked up to the vending machine and hit his forehead against it near tears. But when he looked up his face brightened and his eyes widened. "SOUR CREAM & SALSA PORKRINDS! There's still one bag left!"

Reno reached into his pocket and pulled out a 25 cent coin. He excitedly inserted it into the coin slot and pressed the corrosponding buttons. His anticipation rose and the coil turned, bringing the much desired porkrinds closer to his reach. "They're coming.." He said, wide eyed. And then his dreams were shattered. The porkrinds were stuck! He tried coin after coin to no avail. The machine was jammed!

"OMG!" Reno screamed, banging fruitlessly on the glass. You bastard! Gimme my sour cream & salsa porkrinds right now! Do you have any idea what I've been going through to get them?!"

"Reno, are you ok?" A female voice asked from behind.

"Elena!" Reno exclaimed, turning around quickly. "You're here! Rude did send for help! Just like he promised he would! I feel so bad for doubting him."

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about, Reno," Elena said, annoyed. "But I could hear you shouting while I was still in the elevator. What's going on?"

"Oh Elena," Reno began. "You're so coy. That's what I love about you. As you can see my porkrinds are stuck in the vending machine. It's jammed up and won't take any change."

"And?" Elena asked, annoyed that he was trying to butter her up for some stupid problem concerning a bag of porkrinds.

"And you have such dainty hands," Reno began. "I'm sure that you could reach up through the trap door and get the bag that's stuck."

"No way!" Elena answered. My arm is too short to reach. And besides, I'll be damned if I'm going to do your dirty work for you. If you want to steal porkrinds do it yourself!"

"I'm not stealing them!" Reno cried. "I put the coin in and they got stuck. Honest. Now the machine is all jammed up and I can't get them out. It's the last bag. If I leave them here and someone manages to get them out then I'm screwed. No other machine in the building sells sour cream & salsa porkrinds. They're my favorite. Now be a doll, Elena, and reach your sweet little ivory hand into the little trap door and get the porkrinds for me. I'll even share them with you. I promise."

"I hate porkrinds. I don't want any. They're gross. Tseng says that they are basically a massive coronary in a bag. Just get something else to eat and stop bugging me about it. Seriously, Reno. You're freaking me out here.

Suddenly, Reno grabbed Elena by the arms and stared wide-eyed and inches from her face. "Dammit, Elena! I NEED....THOSE... PORKRINDS!"

"Did Hojo trick you into eating those "Special Brownies" again?" Elena asked, trying to push Reno away.

"No he didn't! I just went through hell to get those porkrinds! It's all Tseng's fault for reprimanding me when I was only trying to play a little trick on you."

"A trick on me?" Elena asked, her face turning red with rage.

"It was just a little hentai surprise in your top desk drawer. But enough about that! I need those porkrinds," Reno pleaded.

"Screw the porkrinds, Elena screamed. "I'm gonna kill you!"

Rude and the medical crew arrived on the scene just as Elena began to throttle Reno, who could only scream porkrinds over and over.

"We're too late." Rude said. "He must have tried to force Elena to get him the porkrinds and now she's had to resort to defending herself. You guys better tranq him before it gets too ugly."
~~~

Three hours later....

"Huh, what happened..., "Reno said groggily.

"You're in the infirmary, Reno." Rude answered. "We had to tranq you. You were hysterical over those porkrinds. We had to force Elena off of you. She was very upset. I think she's plotting your death as we speak."

"I'm sorry," Reno said. "Maybe I might have went a tad too far."

"A tad?" Rude said, raising an eyebrow.

"Ok, maybe more than a tad," Reno agreed. By the way, Rude..."

"Yes?"

"Didja get my porkrinds?"

"No I did not." Rude answered. "Infact, I think it's in your best interest to stay away from porkrinds for awhile. The doctor agrees. You are now forbidden to eat porkrinds on the premises until further notice.

"But that's not fair!" Reno cried.

"It is to me and Elena," Rude said.

Just then Tseng opened the door and came in. "I was out getting a manicure when I was informed that Reno had to be tranquilized because he went hysterical. You know, it must be my lucky day, because as I was heading towards the infirmary a bag of porkrinds that were stuck in the vending machine suddenly loosed itself and fell to the bottom. I took them out. Out of curiosity I decided to give them a try, despite the obvious health risks involved. Those sour cream & salsa porkrinds weren't half bad. I can't believe it but I found myself eating the whole bag."

"What the hell?!" Reno suddenly screamed, jumping out of bed and grabbing Tseng. "Do you have any idea what I went through to get those porkrinds you porkrind filching bastard! Those were MY PORKRINDS! MINE!

"Nurse," Rude called. "We're going to need another tranq for Reno. He's at it again."

~Fin