Interview With Link

Hi everyone! Today I'm interviewing Link from the Legend of Zelda series! ^__^

Link: Hi Tia. Glad to be here.

Soooo Link. Alot of people would probably like to know... What's with the silent protagonist bit?

Link: Oh that. I keep forgetting my lines. That's why it’s now standard to give me a little sidekick like a fairy or an imp with a funny hat. So I can be prodded when necessary. I need a little nudge from time to time. I'm not exactly the sharpest arrow in the quiver.

Really? I figured since you traveled all over Hyrule and even to other parts of your fantasy universe that you'd have to be pretty smart...

Link: No. Not really. My sidekicks usually tell me what to do. I'm not very perceptive you know. Sometimes Navi has to yell "LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT!" 20 times before I figure something out. I don't know what I'd do without her. Hey, have you seen her around? She said she was going out for a pack of Deku sticks back in the Temple of Time a few years ago... That must be some line at Deku-Mart huh?

Uhh... Yeah. *ahem* Anyway, how did you manage before Ocarina of Time?

Link: I had to use a strategy guide. And the atrocious grammar in my first two adventures was intentional. You know, so I’d look smart and stuff.

Ah I see. How… Interesting. Getting back to Ocarina of Time, what’s it like being able to go through insta-puberty over and over and over again?

Link: Well its strange, Tia. I go into the Temple of Time as a kid thinking that those girls sure are dumb. And then when I come back out as an adult… Well lets just say “little Link” was very happy to see Malon again. She sure grew if you know what I mean. *nudgenudgegrin*

Well I’m sure she did. What with all that Lon Lon milk she’d been gulping down for the last seven years. But how did you feel about Saria?

Link: Well I was kinda disappointed that she didn’t grow up. Because she sure would have been hot. But apparently Kokiri can’t grow up. Or leave the forest or something. But I’m special because the Great Deku Tree adopted me. Something like that. I dunno. I probably should have paid more attention to his little speech in the beginning of the game. But I was too busy thinking about raisins. Did you know that they are dried grapes? Mido gave me some raisins. But they had legs… Fado told me not to eat them but she’s such a liar. When I became an adult she said I was going to turn into a Stalfos because I had wandered into the woods. But I live there! And she even pretended not to know who I was. In fact the whole village did that… I wonder why?

Gee. I wonder too. *nervous laughter* Anyway, what about those princesses. You know, Ruto and Zelda?

Link: Well I can’t say that I care too much for Ruto. That chick is crazy. She’s obsessed with me. Ever since I saved her from the inside of that big fish thingy she’s been stalking me. She keeps sending me crazy letters signed in blood and telling me that if she can’t have me no one can. I tried asking her father the Zora king for help. But all he wanted to do was kiss me and dress me up in a Zora tunic. Come to think of it the whole family is pretty messed up. No wonder her mom ran off with a Gerudo pirate.

Wow, that’s some crazy fish broad! So then, how about Zelda? A lot of people say you two are meant for each other.

Link: Well… Maybe. Zelda’s ok and all. But I never really get the chance to talk to her much or really get to know her. And you know how that can be a problem… I know this guy. He’s a descendant of Erdrick. He rescued this princess named Gwaelin from a dragon, right. And right away she’s riding his back to marry her! He couldn’t get out of it! She just wouldn’t take no for an answer. I don’t want that sprung on me all of the sudden. I’m too young to settle down yet. And I meet so many girls during my adventures. So I figure why commit myself now? I like to keep my options open you know.

That’s a pretty wise decision Link. So many of these heroes end up with the leading lady even when they obviously rushed things just for the sake of the plot.

Link: Believe me I know! Thankfully I’m still dodging that bullet fairly well.

So, tell me about your trip to Termina.

Link: Well it was kind of a drag. Having to keep playing the song of time when the three days ran out. I kept forgetting that we were on a tight schedule too. I ended up being squashed by the moon dozens of times. Tatl was really mad. She’s so mean sometimes.

Oh my! That sounds terrible! How did you ever manage?

Link: Well eventually I did get the hang of it. I kept watching the clock and making good use of the inverted song of time. And abusing that fourth day glitch helped too. But Tatl didn’t like that. She said it was cheating. Female fairies can be real nags sometimes. I can really sympathize with Tael.

Well at least you finally managed to save Termina. How many three day cycles did it take?

Link: “Well l’m not very good at math… But Tatl kept track for me. A couple of years I guess.

A couple of years?! Really? You’re kidding me!

Link: Nope. Not that it really mattered right? I mean I had three days to do over and over again until I got it right. And the time loop meant that I technically couldn’t die even if the moon fell. So why rush things? I relaxed for a few weeks at the Stock Pot Inn, took a three month vacation at Great Bay Coast, went snowboarding at the Mountain Village, got a lot of hugs from Cremia… Oh and then there were the mushrooms.

You mean those magic mushrooms from the forest?

Link: Oh they were magic all right… Who would have thought those sweet old hags were running an international drug cartel.

Really?! You’re kidding me! Koume and Kotake? Drug dealers? I thought they just make and sell potions. And Koume has that swamp tour business on the side.

Link: It’s all just a front. Kotake cooks up the drugs and Koume goes down the river to sell them to their contacts. They’re raking in an average of 40 million rupees a year.

Should you really be revealing all of this information, Link? I mean your life could be at stake here.

Link: Don’t worry, Tia. I have six bottles of fairies and the song of time. I’m practically immortal.

Well if you say so… AHEM! Anyway, tell me about your experience with magic mushrooms.

Link: Well it was awesome while it lasted. After I learned how to do that Fierce Deity glitch with the Zora mask I was running around Termina ten feet tall and strung out on magic mushrooms. I was like… So huge man! But spending seven weeks in a mushroom induced haze with Tatl screaming at me the whole time to clean up my act so that we could stop that stupid Skull Kid slammed me back to reality. Plus the apocalypse really burns! Fire everywhere! It was unbelievable. So I stopped hanging out in the swamp. But once I had the Mask of Scents… Those mushrooms are everywhere! In the toilet, growing in discarded underpants-

Umm… I think we get the point Link! Eheh… Anyway, glad to see you got your life back on track and saved Termina. Too bad Navi’s still stuck in that line at Deku-Mart. *snicker* So, I hear you’re taking a break from adventuring. Where are you living now?

Link: Well I was going to go back to my uncle’s house and live with him. You know, the one from Link to the Past. But…

Wait! I thought he died trying to save Zelda?

Link: Nope. He faked his death because he owned 50,000 rupees in back taxes to the HRS. He changed his name and moved to Holodrum. He sent me a letter all about it. But I hadn’t gotten it yet. So when I arrived there it had already been repossessed and sold at auction to some guy named Luigi. So I ended up in Ordon. And boy was that a trip. That Midna is like Tatl times 10. But at least she buys good dog food.

Oh… Isn‘t that… Nice of her. *Link is such a tool… >> * Well I think that about wraps it up for now!

Link: Ok! That was fun! Maybe we can do another interview sometime!

Sure why not. I’m sure it will be a lot of fun *snicker* Well until next time, goodnight and good news!

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