Umbrella Emails 2
From Kevin Ryman RPD
Am I writing to the right place? I had to check the Chief's address book because I threw the wrapper away. You discontinued Spicy Picante Bacon Cheddar Ranch Umbrella Noodles! Why? They were my favorite flavor. The lady at the grocery store (who is REALLY hot by the way) said I was the only one who was buying them. But I eat them six times a day. Isn't that enough to keep them on the shelves?
I bought the last case they had. I got a discount because no one else wanted it. Only 29 cents! But that's only gonna last me a week at most. If you have any more cases of Spicy Picante Bacon Cheddar Ranch Umbrella Noodles laying around can I have them? I'll pay anything. I've enclosed my address and place of work. Please get back to me soon.
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From Monica
Someone keeps stealing my diet soda from the refrigerator in the break room. I am on the diet soda diet and all I can drink is diet soda. I thought I made this clear to everyone!
It's Greg from Low Temperature Experiments isn't it? He keeps whining about his popsicles and Mountain Dew. But it's all a cover up so I won't suspect that he's guzzling down my diet soda every chance he gets. I knew that guy was shifty. He tried to blame the whole thing on Bob just because Bob has diabetes. What a jerk! I recommend that he be fired immediately and the reimbursement for the diet soda that he stole be deducted from his paycheck.
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From Ed in security
I want to request a transfer. I am not getting along with my shift partner Jeff. He keeps glaring at me and leaving apples all over the place. Today I found an apple in my coat pocket. And I know I didn't put it there. He's watching me like a hawk and it's really creeping me out. I think he might have some issues.
I borrow one apple because I have low blood sugar and the guy turns into a class A weirdo. I can't take this anymore. So I'm requesting a transfer to Rockfort Island. I hear it's very nice this time of year. I hope that you consider my request. I'll be eagerly awaiting your reply.
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From Al in train maintenance
Alright I've had it! I've been working on trains for 40 years and this has got to be the worst case of train abuse and neglect I have ever seen. I was running my bi-weekly check on the emergency escape system when I noticed something. Do you want to know what I noticed? Well I'll tell you! The gate wouldn't open all the way! Yes that's right. How can you evacuate during an emergency if the train can't get through the gate?
I requested a maintenance crew and had to wait six hours for anybody to show up. And when they finally decided to get their sorry asses down here they couldn't do anything anyway. Because the controls locked up. So I'm sitting there with these guys who look so green behind the ears they might as well be in highschool. And one of them starts saying that maybe we could reroute the whatchamajig to the thingamabob or whatever. I don't know what these youngins are talking about! For all I know they were getting sassy with me. Well I don't take no sass mouth from no kids who think they know more about trains then me. So I told them about it. And you know what they did? They laughed at me!
Not only are your trains all lollywoggled but your maintenance crew consists of smartmouth punks. I demand that you do something about this. I've worked on trains for 40 years. 40 years! And never in my life have I been so insulted. Please do something about this immediately!
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From Annette Birkin
I'd like to file a formal complaint about Randy. He works in G Virus Research And Development. This is on behalf of my husband William, who is far too busy to be bothered with this right now. For the past few weeks Randy has been harassing my husband over a coffee cup. Can you believe it? My William doesn't have time for this juvenile nonsense. He works 18 hours a day! Yet single shift Randy keeps complaining that William is drinking all of the coffee. William needs that coffee more. He's entitled to it. Why can't Randy just get a soda from the vending machine and leave William alone? He even had the nerve to call my William a slob. William doesn't have time to clean up spilled coffee condiments. Why can't Randy clean it up? He certainly isn't doing anything else. His work ethic is poor and I think he should be fired.
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