USC Inside Out

by The High Templar

The Shops Accreditation Services (SAS), the office responsible for the historical discovery that USC is the oldest school in the world, also recently unveiled what may be the most technologically advanced uniform in the world. Patterned after the amazing tuxedo of Jackie Chan and Jennifer Love Hewitt, the newly patented uniform can confer on its wearers extraordinary powers. According to Prof. X, the chief SAS inventor, “If the Carolinian women wear this uniform, it will do wonders to their bodies. They will become beautiful! Their grades will go up! They will become popular with the boys! All they have to do is buy this uniform and let it make wonders for them. They do not have to do anything. Wear this uniform, relax, and all the goodies of this life will come to them. Want a beautiful face? A sexy body? A 150 I.Q.? A 1.0 grade? Dozens of boyfriends? They do not need hard work, prayer, or faith. All they need is money. Money to buy this uniform.”

The Today’s CAROLINIAN, official USC student publication, has become a victim to the latest attacks of piracy. Pirated copies of its newspaper Red and Black are being circulated from unknown sources bearing the new title Red and Blue. According to Kuya Yoyong, who discovered the piracy, “Nahibung ko nganong ang title Red and Blue. Ug sa tanang mga pirated copies, tanang lampoons sa High Templar nawagtang, ug si Arnold Janssen nga gihulagway nga naghubo karon gisul-uban na ug purol. Daku gyud ang akong kahibung niini!” Because of this, Today’s CAROLINIAN has already filed a complaint to Bong Revilla, who will be coming to USC to hunt down the notorious pirates.

Meanwhile, the famous Supreme Student Circus (SSC) has already arrived to perform in USC for the Sinulog days and beyond. Carolinian students are now excited as to what the performers of the Supreme Student Circus have in store for them. According to the advertisements, there will be lots and lots of clowns, as well as lots and lots of magicians. There will be feats of jugglery, hocus pocus, magic, and flying trapeze. There will be vanishing trees, sexy uniformed assistants (winners of beauty pageants), and elephantine projects like the Constitutional Revision and the 2003 Elections. According to an anonymous Carolinian student, “I and my friends are so excited and thrilled because the Supreme Student Circus is surprisingly unpredictable. We do not know what kinds of unearthly performances it can come up to now to amaze and delight us. We especially like to see the famous showdown between the magicians and the clowns!”

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