My first stop was Justin's house. He insisted on being picked up first, so he could have the front seat. I didn't really feel like arguing with him, so I obliged. I arrived there to find him sitting on the curb, holding a gigantic boom box to his ear, belting out Jay-Z's "Can I Get A Fuck You?"

Julie: Hello Justin.

Justin: Yo, what up girly?

He proceeds to climb into the van, carrying the boom box behind him.

Julie: Umm, Justin? No.

Justin: Wha?

Julie: You're not bringing that into my van.

Justin: Bitch, please! Why not?!

Julie: First of all, you ever call me a "bitch" again, and I'm going to hurt you. Second, you bring that radio back into your house right now before I tell yo mama that you've been listening to music that contains "No No Words".

Justin: Shit! Don't tell my mama! I'll bring it back inside.. Chill B.

Julie: Mmmhmm..

Justin runs back inside, puts the radio back, and returns. He gets into the van, and we proceed to Lance's house.

Julie: Justin..

Justin: Yes? *grins*

Julie: Stop playing with the radio..

Justin: Fine..

"Oops, I Did It Again" begins to play"

Justin: YESSSSSSSS.

Julie: No.

Julie switches radio off

Justin: Daaaaamn..

We arrive at Lance's house. He skips merrily down his driveway to the van. He jumps in, and presents Justin and I with fresh-baked cookies.

Lance: Hi guys!! I thought you might like to try some of the cookies I baked! They're homemade! You see, I've been watching the cooking channel.. and they give you SO many good ideas! I made this one cookie.. shaped like JC.. because I love him. I LOVE HIM! AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! MUWHAHAHAHA!

Justin and I stare blankly at him for a few moments.

Julie: Lance, you need help.

Julie throws her cookie out the car window.

Julie: Let's go.

Lance: Can we pick up JC next? *giggles*

Justin: You're nasty foo'..

Lance: Silly boy.. I am not. I just love JC. His name is JC, and I love him.

Julie: Why me.. why?

We arrive next at JC's house, only because Lance wouldn't shut the hell up. JC is standing outside, looking at his watch, tapping his foot impatiently.

Lance: *squeal*

Julie: Lance.. SHUT UP.

JC proceeds to get into the van, but then stops.

JC: Nuh uh..

Julie: WHAT is your problem?! Get in the van!

JC: No, I'm not sitting next to Lance.. Justin, move.

Justin: Please! I ain't sitting in the back with that fruitcake!

Lance: C'mon JC.. you can sit right here..

He pats the spot next to him, while running his tongue over his lips.

JC: NO!!!

Julie: JC, GET IN THE FUCKIN' VAN, NOW! IF YOU MAKE ME STEP OUT OF THIS VAN, SO HELP ME GOD..

JC: Fine.. but if he touches me..

Julie: *grinding teeth* I'm going to count to 3..

JC: I'm just saying..

Julie: 1...2...

JC: OK!!

JC finally gets into the van, scooting as far away from Lance as possible.

Julie: There.. now, aren't we all happy? Happy happy happy..

JC: No.

Julie: JC..

JC: *sighs*

Our next stop, Joey's house. He runs out, wearing a Santa Claus suit. He barrels into the van, screaming, "HO HO HO!!!".

Julie: I'm glad you know your name Joey..

Joey: Huh?

Julie: Nevermind..

Joey: What are you talking about? My name's Joey!

Julie: Nevermind.. just go sit in the back.. and talk to Lance about his growing love for JC. That should keep you occupied.

JC: SHUT UP!! ITS NOT FUNNY!

Julie: I find it very amusing.

Justin: Me too.

Lance: I love JC. His name is JC, and I love him.

Julie: Whatever.. don't we have one more person to pick up?

JC: Yeah, what's his name..

Joey: You mean, Chris?!?

Julie: Yeah! Thats it.. We always seem to forget him.. Oh well, let's go.

We make our last stop at Chris' house. He skips out with Busta, who is wearing a little doggie shirt, in red and green.

Chris: Hi Guys!!!

Lance: Ohh, Chris! Busta's wearing the shirt I made him! Thats so sweet..

Chris: Yeah.. umm, ok.

Julie: Umm, Chris, No. That dog is not coming with us. You have an unhealthy obsession. Bring him back inside.

Chris: But but but..

Julie: No.

Chris: FINE! Hmph.

He stamps his feet and brings Busta back into the house.

Julie: What a little baby..

Chris returns and we finally make our way to our final destination: The Mall.

Julie: Alright, everyone out.. lets get this over with..

Lance: Yippie!!

Justin: Shut up, Lance.

Joey: Can we eat first?

JC: Where's the bathroom?

Chris: My foot hurts.

Julie: *shakes head* This is going to be a long day..

We proceed into the mall, and begin looking around. We come to a Footlocker and Justin runs inside.

He picks up 5 pairs of shoes and brings them to the counter.

Justin: I'll take these.. oh, and these too.. oh yeah.. those too!

Julie: JUSTIN! We are not here to shop for YOU! We're CHRISTMAS shopping, which means we're shopping for OTHER people. Understand?

Justin: No.

Julie: Idiot!!! Put the shoes back!!

Justin: But.. I want them.

Julie: You're going to whine and complain until I let you buy them, aren't you?

Justin: Pretty much.

Julie: *waves hand* Buy them.. you little brat.. and hurry up.

Justin: Ok!!

He plops his 5 pairs of sneakers on the counter, pays for them, and we exit the store.

We continue on until we come to Spencers. Chris runs in and we follow him.

Chris: OHMIGOD GUYS!!! LOOK AT THIS!!!

Chris holds up a pair of edible underwear. I snicker at him in disgust.

Chris: I'm buying these.

Julie: Oh yeah Chris? For who? Yourself?

Chris: Umm, my mom.

Julie: I really don't think your mother would want to receive edible underwear for Christmas.

Chris: Uhh.. your mom?

Julie: FUCK YOU BITCH!

Chris: Hehehehe.. I'm buyin' them.

Julie: I don't find you funny.

Chris: Yes you do.

Julie: No, not really.

Chris: Do you enjoy making me cry?

Julie: Yes.

Chris: Hmph..

Chris finally buys the underwear and we once again begin to walk around the Mall. We come upon the Food Court.

Joey: Food... *drools*

Julie: We're not eating yet.

Joey: I am.

Julie: Damnit Joey! No!

Joey: Please?

Julie: Shut up.

Joey: Please?

Julie: Shut up.

Joey: Pleeeeeeease?

Julie: FINE!

Joey: Thank you! Fooooood, here I cooooome! VROOOOOOOOM!!

Joey runs on into the food court, his arms spread like an airplane.

JC: I don't know him..

Julie: Neither do I..

We order our food and sit down at a table. Joey gets up 7 times.. 2 for the bathroom, and 5 to get more food.

Julie: Are we ready to PROCEED now Joey?

Joey: mmf frump mroo?

Julie: What?!?!?

Joey: *swallows his last bit of food* OK!

Julie: Retard..

JC: Umm, I'll be right back..

Julie: Where are you going?

JC: Umm.. to look for wrapping paper..

Julie: Right..

JC: Yeah, I'll be right back..

JC walks off.

Chris: He gets weirder and weirder everyday..

Julie: Thats what happens when you're addicted to crack. Crack kills, Chris.

We walk around some more. We come to a Bath & Body Works.. where Lance buys scented candles, bubble bath, nail polish, and lipstick. He claims they're for his mother, but we ALL know who they're REALLY for. After awhile, we realize JC has still not returned.. so I tell the group to sit on a bench while I go look for him.

I look all around the mall, but there's no trace of JC. I finally wander outside. I hear muffled voices in an alleyway nearby, so I walk towards them.

JC: You got the stuff?

Julie: J MOTHA' FUCKIN' C!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

JC: Err.. buying Christmas presents?

Julie: In the back of an alleyway you crackhead?! And who's that guy you're talking to?

JC: Umm, I don't know?

Julie: Damnit JC!

JC: His name's Jerome.

Julie: Ahahahaha. THE Jerome?!

Jerome: Yo.

Julie: JC, get your ass back inside, NOW.

JC: But..

Julie: NOW!

JC runs off.

Julie: Sorry about that Jerome, but JC won't be buying from you today.

Jerome: Shit.. thats ok, I got another customer waitin' for me in the alleyway behind KFC, Britney Queers.. somethin' like that. I'll be seein' ya..

Julie: Peace brotha'

I walk back inside to where I left the guys. JC is sitting among them, looking very unhappy.

Julie: JC, I did NOT bring you hear to do you "business" I brought you here to buy CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

JC: I'm a crackhead.

Julie: Yeah, I knew that. Just shut up and don't talk anymore, ok?

JC: Ok.

Julie: Good, ok, Joey, you still need to buy something. Where do you want to go?

Joey: I don't have any money left.

Julie: WHAT?!?!? Where the fuck did it all go?!?!?

Joey: I spent it all.

Julie: WHERE?!

Joey: At the food court.

Julie: Oh, for crying out loud.. thats it, we're leaving. Everyone outside, NOW.

Everyone trudges outside, and we return to the van. I drop everyone off and decide that NONE of them were going to receive a Christmas card from me that year. Assholes.