~2004~
Dear Max,
It is late on the evening of your 6th birthday. We had a bunch of snow today, so there was no school. I love snow days...As I watched the snow coming down I felt a bit melancholy. You would have loved playing in the snow, building a snowman, making snow angels. The day you were born it was cold, but no snow. It was such a great day, the day you were born. As I am sure you know, you are an uncle now. Your neice Sophia Isabel was 1 month old yesterday. I have found myself happy for the first time in well, you know how long... The other day, I even said what I used to say to someone asked me the question...How are you? I said, "I am great". It has been many years since I said that. Holding a baby again is wonderful. I am so afraid though. I know you are our precious angel. So please keep an extra eye on Sophia. Your sisters all say "Happy Birthday". We love you so much, and miss you always.
All my love forever and ever,
Mommy '-)
In honor of Max's 6th birthday, I added money to the scholarship fund that I started last year. 2003 has been a true healing year for myself and my family with the birth of my first grandchild...Sophia. I hope to keep moving forward on this journey. With each new day there is hope. I am more grateful than ever for the Blessings in my life...Which are many. Thank You Lord Jesus...
~November 2003~
Jackie, Nicole, Leonae, Shaun, Jessica
Grammy & Sophia
~45 minutes old~
Sophia Isabel
~6 days old~
Mommy & Daddy & Sophia
It is about 1:00 AM on May 17th, 2004. I am reading a book right now Not A Sparrow Falls by Linda Nichols. This writer has written my feelings...
The book is not about infant loss...but as I read the words tears came to my eyes. I realized that what she is talking about in the book is exactly how I have tried to cope with the loss of my precious son. For many years I knew I was just going through the motions of living. Some days are easier than others. Simple things make me cry these days. I sometimes feel like my life is on auto pilot. I do the best I can. I miss my son. So I keep my face pointed straight ahead...I try not to think too much...I cry when I feel like it and when I don't...and live for those fleeting moments of happiness. I recogonize them...and appreciate them...They are sometimes few. And one day, hopefully, I will not feel so paralyzed on May 17th. I will see my precious son again, and know that I made my way through all the heartache, and sadness. I'm a better person for it all...that is my prayer today anyway.
May 17th, 2004.
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