~1999~
These are all pictures from Easter 1999. I asked everyone to smile. Easter was very hard this year, and I found myself just "going through the motions". I love my family so much. I just want them all to be happy. We spend a lot of time at Ma and Papa's house. Leonae moved to her dad's a couple of months ago. She needed to be closer to her school. And we were just getting along so horribly. I want to have a better relationship with her, so we are trying this. School is out now, and we are looking foreward to a quiet summer. Maybe some fun, much different from last summer. Nicole, Jessica, and I are all playing softball. (Well I am trying to play, I am getting old, and my body does not respond to what the brain tells it to do.) We (myself included) are doing much better now. I still have some "bad days", but there are some "good days" too. So I guess the saying, "time heals" is a little bit true. More than anything "time" numbs it somewhat. Makes it easier for me to hide my grief. Most people (former friends, family) don't want to hear about it, or deal with it anymore. I can't move away from it. It is part of "who" I am now. Our lives are much different now. We are trying to learn to "Live With" Max's death. We will NEVER "Get Over" his death. I still feel very Lost. Seeking my path.
This is a letter I sent to my email friends on Max's First Angelday...
May 17, 1999
Hello To All, Jackie here,
If your address is in my address book you are getting an e-mail from me today. Sorry before hand if your name is in my address book and you do not want it to be. E-mail me and I will remove it.
One year ago today, I awoke to find my beautiful, long awaited son, Isaac Max Benton Morgan, lying next to me, in my bed, dead. I started CPR, begged GOD for a miracle but....SIDS had taken my son.
Max was the MIRACLE, AND STILL IS !!!
That event has so changed everything in my life. A year long Journey. (So far, I'm still on this Journey.) Not a Journey that I wanted to take, one that was forced on me and my family, friends, co-workers. Everyone who knows me, or is getting to know me now. A year long self-evaluation, a year long of playing the WHAT IF, IF ONLY game. A year of Mourning and Grief. A year of continious GUILT and self loathing...SIDS? Did Max die from SIDS or did he suffocate? (He was in my bed with me remember.) Is it my falt that he is dead? Did I create this misery for myself and everyone around me? (I still struggle with the thought of... How am I to live with that?)
This has been a very difficult year, needless to say. I am better, so the saying "Time Heals" must be a little bit true. I still have "bad days", but I have "good days" too. Thank you Jesus !!! A year ago, I was sure there would never be a "good day" again. I have learned many lessons, how precious Today is. How TRUE FRIENDS ARE HARD TO FIND AND KEEP !!! How FAITH and TOTAL TRUST IN JESUS can sustain me on the most difficult of days. How LOVE and KINDNESS really truly are the reasons we are here on the earth.
I want to share something my middle daughter Nicole said to me last night. It totally took me by susprise, warmed my heart, and brings tears to my eyes when I just think about it.
We were sitting on the couch, watching TV, she just blurted out..."I feel so sorry for Max!" I said "why, he is lucky, he gets to be in heaven with Jesus". The little angel then said..."Yes, but he did not get to know what how wonderful it is to have you for his mother. Being a baby, you can't remember."
I just about fell off the couch. You see, I don't feel like a very good mother now, and for her to say something like that to me, well the tears just flowed. Then she felt like she had hurt me, and apologized for just blurting it out. I told her I was crying because it was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me and Thank you. She just smiled and said I Love You Mom. :)
Today I took the day off from work, took my children to school and went to church. I have smiled and silently blessed all those I have seen. I planted impatients and bulbs at Max's grave. I got to see Max's grandparents and that is always a blessing, I rarely get to see them and e-mail sometimes is just not enough. After typing this letter I will pick my oldest daughter up from school and take her to her dad's, (She moved to his house a couple of months ago.) And spend the evening adding new pictures and memories to Max's website. Spending the evening with my family is the best way I can think of to honor his memory. I have also been praying a Novena today, to be able to hear the Lord clearly, and to be filled with the Holy Spirit.
I am very grateful for all the many Blessings that I have. My children are the greatest of all. :)
Sending Love and Prayers to all,
May God Bless You,
Jackie...Mom to:
Leonae 15 1/2,
Nicole 9,
Jessica 8, and my angelboy...
Isaac Max Benton Morgan 2-5-98 to 5-17-98
I bought a bench to put at Max's grave on his angelday this year. I wanted to do something special for him, and couldn't think of anything...so...I decided to buy a bench. I wanted something to sit on when I go to the cemetery. I placed the bench under a tree near his grave.
Back To...How Can The World Keep Turning?...After Max's Death
