~2000~

The following is a letter and poem I sent out on Max's 2nd Birthday...

February 5th, 2000

If My Dreams Were Reality...

Oh, My Precious Son...
Today is your SPECIAL DAY. And birthdays are special at our house. There are balloons, and streamers all over the house. Signs everywhere that say "MAX IS 2 TODAY!!!" We go to Ma and Papa's house for your party. Soooooooo Many PRESENTS. Your sisters help you open them, while I take pictures. We all say oooooh and ahhhhh. And laugh and laugh at your expressions. You do not know what to play with first. You are wearing your overalls, just like Papa. There is a big chocolate cake decorated with a train. You love it so much when we sing "Happy Birthday" to you. Your sisters help you to blow out your "2" candles. Cake is all over you. and you LOVE it. YUM, YUM. I get you cleaned up. (You know how I am.) And we play some more. You keep taking the toys away from your sisters. (You know how they are.) You ae getting tired and a little cranky. So we load up and go home. Papa had a heck of a time getting the battery powered jeep in the truck. You sleep all the way home. You get your second wind. And we play with all the balloons. And you drive your jeep somemore. YOU LOVE IT. Time for a bath, and bed. We go through the night-night routine. And after a long while, you finally go to sleep. I sit back and smile. Wondering where I am going to park the battery powered Jeep. Leaving it in the living room will not work. What a WONDERFUL day!!! Oh...How I Love BIRTHDAYS.

If my dreams were reality...You would be here with me...
Laughing and singing is all there would be...
The day would be so fun... We would know just what to do...
There is no question... We would spend it just with you...
And you would love every second of it... Not really sure what it is all about...
But knowing it was just for you, I am without a doubt...
The smiles would be endless... The day would be just right...
My precious boy, his birthday... and hugs and kisses good night...
To feel your little arms around my neck... saying "Mommy, can tomorrow be my birthday too?"
I would smile and say "good night little Maxman...
ANYTHING FOR YOU!!!"

But my dreams are not reality... There is no cemetery in my dreams.
I have no idea what to do for your day... Nothing seems right...
I want it to be special, remembering how WONDERFUL it was the day you were born...
I'll try to smile... and not cry too much... But I miss you Max...
I want you to celebrate your birthday here... and not in Heaven...
I keep thinking... I hope your birthday is as wonderful in Heaven as it would have been here with me and your sisters...
Jesus, please give Max a better birthday party in Heaven than I would of here on Earth.
Happy Birthday Max...I LOVE YOU...Mommy

These are the only pictures I have ever taken of Max's grave. They were taken Easter this year. It was a very windy day. The cemetery is very small and peaceful. When I die, I am going to be buried next to him on the left. I bought the bench on his Angelday last year (1999).

Father I plead with you to grant me your comfort because you alone can give it. Heal the wound in my heart torn by grief, and grant that I shall be able to see the rainbow of hope through my tears.

As I reflect over the past year, it occurs to me...The first year is basically spent trying to survive one day, one moment at a time. When the first year passes there is a sense of relief. A gratitude for having survived. I really thought that something like a miracle would happen after having survived the first year. When it did not happen, I was so dissappointed. I thought that I would really feel better, have some sense of peace.???? I was wrong!!!
This last year has been truly harder. I no longer ask the question of WHY?...Now I find myself asking HOW? How am I to be happy again? Is it going to feel like this or similar to this for the rest of my life? How do I keep going on?
I feel like a shell of a person. I can see, I can smell, I can hear, I can taste, and I can feel... I am grateful for being able to do these things. But my soul has shriveled up. There is no JOY...I can laugh, and smile, but when the moment is over the saddness is still there. It never leaves me.
I accept the fact that Max is dead, and is not coming back...No matter how hard I pray...I don't like it, it IS NOT FAIR...but life is not fair...I HAVE TO ACCEPT IT.
I know...wollowing in self pitty...yes, from time to time. Trust in the Lord...I DO!!! But LORD, HOW LONG MUST I WAIT??? I am tired. Weary of my existance. I KNOW...I have to survive for my daughters. They deserve so much more.
I do not know what to do to change anything. I am a very good actor now...Maybe I should go to Hollywood...?
I am still praying...Pleading for wisdom and guidance...
So I wait on the Lord...

June 16th, 2000

Some of Leonae's Senior pictures...


  
Nicole and Jessica's 2000 - 2001 school pictures.

~Christmas 2000~

Back To...How Can The World Keep Turning?...After Max's Death