500? Must be a peach of a hand.
Doc Holliday, Tombstone
Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Mark Twain
A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight.
For every minute of anger, you lose 60 seconds of happiness!
Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves. Homer Simpson
Stupid TV. Be more funny.
Homer Simpson
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Groucho Marx
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
With God all things are possible.
Matthew 19:26
Our days are identical suitcases--all the same size--but some people can pack more into them than others.
God's Little Instruction Book
Swallowing angry words is much better than having to eat them.
God's Little Instruction Book
Now there's even a "dial-a-prayer" for atheists. You call a number and nobody answers.
God's Little Instruction Book
God intervenes in the affairs of men by invitation only.
God's Little Instruction Book
It doesn't matter if the cup is half full or half empty. Whatever's inside it is evaporating either way.
That thought got ran over as it was crossing my mind.
I have all the answers, it's just that most of them aren't right.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Groucho Marx
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?"
Steven Wright
Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium"
Steven Wright
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out"
Steven Wright
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
Steven Wright
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright
Today I dialed a wrong number. The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said, "Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old" I said, "I'll wait"
Steven Wright
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wright
One time right in the middle of a job interview, I took out a book and started reading...The guy said "What the hell are you doing? I said "Let me ask you a question...If you were in a vehicle and you were travelling at the speed of light, and then you turned your headlights on...would they do anything?" He said, "I don't know." I said "Forget it then, I don't want to work for you."
Steven Wright
My watch is three hours fast and I can't fix it, so I'm going to move to New York.
Steven Wright
I was on a ski lift with another person...no one I knew...and he didn't say a word until we were half way up the mountain...then he said, "I haven't been skiing in ten years." I said "How come?" He said "I was in jail." I didn't say anything. He said, "You wanna know why?" I said, "Not really." He said, "I'll tell you anyway... I was jailed for pushing a complete stranger off a ferris wheel."
Steven Wright
I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from all the statues in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
Steven Wright
Dare to be stupid!
Weird Al Yankovic
"Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?"
Anon
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
Anon
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Anon
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
Anon
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either.
Anon
I know! I'll transcribe the conversations between the voices in my head and send them to you!!!
David Borenstein
As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841.
Anon
Don't judge a book by its movie.
Anon
Love thine enemies...it really pisses them off.
Anon
Everyone loves a moose. Some just don't know it.
Anon
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Fletcher Knebel
Do fish get thirsty?
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Thomas Jones
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Robert Orben
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Charles William Stubbs
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
Alan Kay
Doing nothing gets pretty tiresome because you can't stop and rest.
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.
Good judgment comes from experience, and experience--well, that comes from poor judgment.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
"Knock, Knock. Who's there? Opportunity. Don't be silly - opportunity doesn't knock twice!"
The ladder of success is never crowded at the top.
The most effective answer to an insult is silence.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
When the going seems easy, you may be going downhill.
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you get into the office.
Robert Frost
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river.
Nikita Krushchev
If you drink like a fish, don't drive. Swim.
Joe E. Lewis
I never thought much of the courage of a lion-tamer. Inside the cage he is at least safe from people.
George Bernard Shaw
Twist the optimist and pessimist, the difference is droll: The optimist sees the doughnut but the pessimist sees the hole.
McLandburg Wilson
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Dale Carnegie
The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.
Sir Winston Churchill
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
Sir Winston Churchill
Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.
Ben Franklin
When you have got an elephant by the hind legs and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run.
Abraham Lincoln
A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Herm Albright
You cannot get ahead while you're getting even.
Dick Armey
Be smarter than other people, just don't tell them so.
H. Jackson Brown Jr.
You either make dust or eat dust.
H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Be like a duck, calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.
Michael Caine
Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.
Kyle Chandler
No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave.
Calvin Coolidge
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
Bill Cosby
Men occasionally stumble on the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
Winston Churchill
Result! Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work.
Thomas A. Edison
Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Crazy people who are productive are geniuses. Crazy people who are rich are eccentric. Crazy people who are neither productive nor rich are just plain crazy. Geniuses and crazy people are both out in the middle of a deep ocean; geniuses swim, crazy people drown. Most of us are sitting safely on the shore. Take a chance and get your feet wet.
Michael J. Gelb
No one ever achieved greatness by playing it safe.
Harry Gray
A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him.
Sidny Greenburg
Class is how you treat people that can do nothing for you.
Geof Greenleaf
Never argue unless the point you hope to gain is worth more than the cost of an argument of friendship.
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
Elbert Hubbard
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
Erica Long
It's better to be boldly decisive and risk being wrong than to agonize at length and be right too late.
Marilyn Moats Kennedy
I destroy my enemy when I make him my friend.
Abraham Lincoln
While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior.
Henry C. Link
Set your mind on a definite goal and observe how quickly the world stands aside to let you pass.
The road to success is always under construction.
Jim Miller
Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become your character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
Frank Outlaw
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
Ellen Parr
Courage is fear holding on a minute longer.
General George S. Patton
Never let yesterday use up too much of today.
Will Rogers
Most people who succeed in the face of seemingly impossible conditions are people who simply don't know how to quit.
Robert H. Schuller
If people talk negatively about you, live so that no one will believe them.
No one ever stumbled onto something big while sitting down.
Good intentions are like checks that men try to draw from a bank where they have no account.
Yes and No are the two most important words that you will ever say. These are the two words that determine your destiny in life.
It's when the fish opens his mouth that he gets caught.
No problem is too large for God's intervention, and no person is too small for God's attention.
Prayer is the key to real success; we stand the tallest when we are on our knees.
Silence is the ultimate weapon of power; it is also one of the hardest arguments to dispute.
You can make more friends in two months by helping other people than you can in two years trying to get others to help you.
Working together is essential for success; even freckles would make a nice tan if they would get together.
Give me a man who sings at his work. That's the kind of people I want to hire!
Thomas Carlisle
Find something you love to do, and you'll never have to work another day in your life.
Harvey Mackay
A conceited person never gets anywhere because he thinks he is already there.
Sitting still and wishing makes no person great; The Lord sends the fishing, but you must dig the bait.
The measure of a person's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out.
Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.
Helen Keller
Happiness is not a reward-- it is a consequence.
Robert Green Ingersoll
When I was young, I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures. So I did ten times more work.
George Bernard Shaw
Remember in they eyes of average people, average is always considered outstanding.
Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.
James Mathew Barrie
Don't complain. The wheel that squeaks the loudest often gets replaced.
"Impossible" is a word found only in the dictionary of fools.
Napoleon
He who expects nothing shall never be disappointed.
Indecisive people are like a blind man looking in a dark room for a black cat that isn't there.
I would not leave you in times of trouble. We never could have come this far. I took the good times, I'll take the bad times, I'll take you just the way you are.
Billy Joel
It sucks when you try your best, and your best sucks.
Andrea Lipman
Remember no man is a failure who has friends.
Clarence in It's a Wonderful Life
For the life of me I cannot remember what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise for the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins, we were merely freshmen.
The Verve Pipe
...maybe/ love is like water/ and when you find out/ you need it, who cares/ where it comes from,/ or maybe/ everyone is a well/ just waiting for me/ to send my ladle down.
Ronda Slater
We have been friends together in sunshine and shade.
Carolin Norton
Don't be dismayed at goodbye. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again after a moment or lifetime is certain for those who are friends.
Richard Bach
A good plan, violently executed now, is better than a perfect plan next week.
General George S. Patton
Failure? I never encountered it. All I ever met were temporary setbacks.
Dottie Walters
If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot on it and hang on.
Thomas Jefferson
Some people are always grumbling because the roses have thorns. I am thankful that thorns have roses.
Alphonse Karr
I guess I thought you'd be here forever, Another illusion I chose to create Don't know what you've got until its gone, And I found out just a little too late.
Chicago
We're just two lost souls, swimming in a fishbowl.
Pink Floyd
It's the friends you can call up at 4am that matter.
Marlene Dietrick
Do not save your loving speeches
For your friends till they are dead;
Do not write them on their tombstones,
Speak them rather now instead.
Anna Cummins
It is really amazing when two strangers become the best of friends, but it is really sad when the best of friends become two strangers.
Unknown
Life is like a box of chocolates. You get some you like, and some you don't, but you eat them all anyway.
The people you cry over aren't worth it, and the people worth crying over will never make you cry.
It doesn't matter what I believe, it only matters what I can prove!
Danny McCaffee, A Few Good Men
It is really hard to lose someone or something you never really had.
Kevin Arnold of "The Wonder Years"
Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut.
Jerry Seinfeld
Do whatever you want right now because you are eventually going to run out of tomorrows.
I am not a goddess, and most likely I will never be a goddess, but just because I'm not perfect, that doesn't mean you can't worship the ground I walk on.
Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment.
Karen Corckett
If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.
Mark Twain
I stick my neck out for nobody.
Rick Blaine, Casablanca
Not me, that's for damn sure!
Marty Craine, Fraisure
There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, "Well, here I am!" and those who come in and say, "Ah, there you are."
Frederick L. Collins
It is only to the happy that tears are a luxury.
Thomas Moore
Trouble is here. It is for a purpose. Use if or the purpose for which it was intended -- to help you grow. Thank God for your troubles.
Dr.Norman Vincent Peale
Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Dread Pirate Roberts: You've made your decision then?
Vizzini: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Vizzini: WAIT TILL I GET GOING! Where was I?
Dread Pirate Roberts: Australia.
Vizzini: Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would know the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Dread Pirate Roberts: You're just stalling now.
Vizzini: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Dread Pirate Roberts: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
Vizzini: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE POISON IS!
Dread Pirate Roberts: Then make your choice.
Vizzini: I will, and I choose--What in the world can that be?
Dread Pirate Roberts: What? Where? I don't see anything.
Vizzini: Well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.
Dread Pirate Roberts: What's so funny?
Vizzini: I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours. (they drink)
Dread Pirate Roberts: You guessed wrong.
Vizzini: You only *think* I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha-- (falls over dead)
He's a male chauvinistic piglet.
Betty Friedan on Groucho Marx
If you're truly at peace with yourself you'll never be at war with others.
Russian Parts, American Parts, all maid in Tiawan!!!
Armageddon
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
I don't have a warm personal enemy left. They've all died off. I miss them terribly because they helped define me.
Claire Booth Luce
Health is the state which medicine has nothing to say.
W.H. Auden
Laugh. Out loud. Often.
The Portable Life 101
I'm an experienced woman; I've been around... Well, all right, I might not've been around, but I've been... nearby.
Mary Richards "The Mary Tyler Moore Show"
To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasions, hurry never. In a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common. This is to be my symphony.
William Henry Channing
Many a time we've been down to our last piece of fatback. And I'd say, "Should we eat it, or render it down for soap?" Your Uncle Jed would say, "Render it down. God will provide food for us poor folks, but we gotta do our own washin'."
Granny "The Beverly Hillbillies"
Don't go to piano bars where young, unemployed actors get up and sing. Definitely don't be a young, unemployed actor who gets up and sings.
Tony Lang
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
Finley Peter Dunne
If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.
Albehing
Increasing your self-esteem is easy-- simply do good things, and remember that you've done them.
The Portable Life 101
Fred Sanford: Didn't you learn anything being my son? Who do you think I'm doing all this for?
Lamont Sanford: Yourself.
Fred: Yeah, you learned something.
"Sanford and Son"
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
Thomas Edison
Criticizing another's garden doesn't keep the weeds out of your own.
Don't Wait For Your Ship To Come In...Swim Out To Meet It!
Many of us have heard opportunity knocking at our door, but by the time we unhooked the chain, pushed back the bold, turned two locks and shut off the burglar alarm-- it was gone!
Don't Wait For Your Ship To Come In...Swim Out To Meet It!
The best way to bring focus into your life is never to place a question mark where God has put a period.
Don't Wait For Your Ship To Come In...Swim Out To Meet It!
In the presence of trouble, some people grow wings; others buy crutches.
Harold W. Ruoff
Be like the steam kettle! Though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.
Don't Wait For Your Ship To Come In...Swim Out To Meet It!
When we do what we can, God will do what we can't.
Don't Wait For Your Ship To Come In...Swim Out To Meet It!
Don't die until you're dead.
Don't Wait For Your Ship To Come In...Swim Out To Meet It!
Success is a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
Don't Wait For Your Ship To Come In...Swim Out To Meet It!
People are funny; they spend money they don't have to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like.
Don't Wait For Your Ship To Come In...Swim Out To Meet It!
Fear and worry are interest paid in advance on something you may never own.
Don't Wait For Your Ship To Come In...Swim Out To Meet It!
How many people do you know who became successful at something they hate?
Don't Wait For Your Ship To Come In...Swim Out To Meet It!
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn no other way.
Mark Twain
The nose of a bulldog is slanted backwards so he can continue to breathe without letting go.
Winston Churchill
Noise produces nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as though she has laid an asteroid.
Mark Twain
We are all worms, but I do believe that I am a glowworm.
Winston Churchill
A flawed diamond is more valuable than a perfect brick.
Don't Wait For Your Ship To Come In...Swim Out To Meet It!
Most winners are just ex-losers who got mad.
Don't Wait For Your Ship To Come In...Swim Out To Meet It!
If you were arrested for being kind, would there be enough evidence to convict you?
Don't Wait For Your Ship To Come In...Swim Out To Meet It!
It ain't no use putting up your umbrella till it rains.
Alice Caldwell Rice
Little men with little minds and little imaginations go through life in little ruts, smugly resisting all changes which would jar their little world.
A definition of "mediocrity": best of the worst and worst of the best.
The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
The few who do are the envy of the many who only watch.
Jim Rohn
The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, make them.
George Bernard Shaw
The winner is always part of the answer; the loser is always part of the problem.
The winner always has a program; the loser always has excuses.
The winner says, "Let me do it for you"; the loser says, "That's not my job."
The winner sees an answer for every problem; the loser sees a problem in every answer.
The winner sees a green near every sandtrap; the loser sees two or three sandtraps near every green.
The winner says, "It may be difficult but it's possible." ;The loser says, "It may be possible but it's too difficult."
BE A WINNER
There's no thrill in easy sailing when the skies are clear and blue, there's no joy in merely doing things which anyone can do. But there is some satisfaction that is mighty sweet to take, when you reach a destination that you thought you'd never make.
Spirella
We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
Eric Hoffer
Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.
English Proverb
When you know what you want, and want it badly enough, you'll find a way to get it.
Jim Rohn
If women knew, if they even had the slightest idea of what men were thinking, they'd never stop slapping us.
Larry Miller
where have you been and what have you done and why do you fearfully from yourself run?
Michelle Malone
Love is a verb, not a noun.
Clint Black
Think of how stupid the average person is and realize that half of everybody is stupider than that.
George Carlin
...human heads are opaque and there's no way to see inside except through those tiny little windows, the eyes.
Yevgeny Zamyatin
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country.
E. M. Forster
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