If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
Jack Handy
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
Jack Handy
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
Jack Handy
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
Jack Handy
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Monta Crane
Don't bite the hand that has your allowance in it.
Paul Dickson
Never complain and never explain.
Benjamin Disraeli
Trust Everybody, but cut the cards.
Finley Peter Dunne
If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.
Albert Einstein
Hitch your wagon to a star.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
W. C. Fields
Exercise is bunk. If you are healthy, you don't need it; if you are sick, you shouldn't take it.
Henry Ford
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy
Logic is in the eye of the logician.
Gloria Steinem
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
William Jennings Bryan
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Lucille S. Harper
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
Yogi Berra
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
George Bernard Shaw
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Katherine Cebrian
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Ambrose Bierce
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
Elvis Presley
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Carl Gustav Jung
Before you give somebody a piece of your mind, be sure you can get by with what you have left!
You can't get rid of your temper by losing it.
Yes, As A Matter Of Fact, I Do Own The Whole Damn Road!
Bumper Sticker
Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead.
Scottish Proverb
Hope for miracles, but don't rely on one.
Yiddish Prover
Live like water. Flow and engulf all that you encounter.
Chinese Proverb
Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."
Winston Churchill: "If I WERE your husband, madam, I should drink it."
Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.
The HHGTTG
There will be peace in the world.
Chinese Proverb
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
Antoine De Saint-Exupery
Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
Rvd. Jesse Jackson
There isn't enough darkness in all the world to snuff out the light of one little candle.
Anonymous
Here is a test to find out whether your mission in life is complete. If you're alive, it isn't.
Richard Bach
Dream as if you'll live forever...live as if you'll die today.
James Dean
If you don't ask, you don't get.
Mahatma Gandhi
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear,too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice,but for those who love, time is eternity.
Henry Van Dyke
Gather ye rose-buds while ye may, old Time is still a-flying; And this same flower that smiles today, tomorrow will be dying.
Robert Herrick
Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
George Bernard Shaw
Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. Buddha
The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof. Richard Bach
Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.
Earl Nightingale
Be not forgetful to entertain strangers for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.
Hebrews 13:2
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. T. S. Eliot
There are only two ways of spreading light - to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.
Edith Wharton
Among my most prized possessions are the words that I have never spoken. Orson Rega Card
People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will win false friends and true en- emies. Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest person with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind. Think big anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack if you help them. Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you might get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you've got anyway.
Author Unknown
Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds you down or polishes you up depends on what you are made of.
A thing worth having is worth cheating for.
W.C.Fields
If you've really done your best, you probably won't have to think up an excuse for not doing better.
Either I'm missing something or nothing has been going on.
Karen Elizabeth Gordon
It easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.
William Blake
Stop and you'll be stepped on; stand tall and you'll be shot at.
Carlos A. Urbizo
Whoever gossips to you will be a gossip of you.
God's Little Instruction Book
Jesus is a friend who knows all your faults and still loves you anyway.
God's Little Instruction Book
Don't be afraid of pressure. Remember that pressure is what turns a lump of coal into a diamond.
God's Little Instruction Book
Those who deserve love the least need it the most.
God's Little Instruction Book
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.
Anon
Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh.
Anon
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Anon
A steak a day keeps the cows dead.
Anon
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Anon
Skydiving...good 'till the last drop.
Anon
Where subtlety fails us we must simply make do with cream pies.
Anon
The Two Rules of Success: 1. Don't tell everything you know.
Anon
Gravity always wins.
Anon
Dyslexics of the world - untie!!!
Bumper Sticker
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Bumper Sticker
Most of us would rather be ruined by flattery than to be benefited by criticism.
Never explain. Your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.
Elbert Hubbar
It's hard to talk rainforest to a man who judges trees by cubic toothpicks.
Jim Bullard
I am pork boy, the breakfast monkey.
All That
Yip, yip, yip, yip, yip! Uh-huh! Uh-huh!
Sesame Street
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
Gone With the Wind
Here's Looking at you, kid.
Casablanca
My name is Inego Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
The Princess Bride
Go Ahead. Make my day.
Sudden Impact
You killed Ted you medieval dickweed!!
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (Bill)
The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others.
Gerry Brown
It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.
George Bush, US President
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them.
George Bush, US President
Please provide the date of your death.
from an IRS letter
No drugs or nuclear weapons inside.
Hard Rock Cafe sign in Paris
Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.
Bill Peterson, football coach
Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation.
Dan Quayle, US VP
The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst
If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields
Take care that the face that looks out from the mirror in the morning is a pleasant face. You may not see it again during the day, but others will.
Anonymous
If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.
Anonymous
Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you.
Yassir Arafat
Always behave as if nothing had happened, no matter what has happened.
Arnold Bennett
If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance.
Al Bernstein
Don't take the bull by the horns, take him by the tail; then you can let go when you want to.
Josh Billings
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck
The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.
Napoleon Bonaparte
Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade.
Leo F. Buscaglia
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
Anthony Burgess
You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word alone.
Al Capone
Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop.
Lewis Carroll
Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened.
Unknown
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
You don't have to blow out anybody elses candle to make yours shine brighter.
Unknown
Beauty is only skin deep, but it's a valuable asset if you're poor or haven't any sense.
Kin Hubbard
Silence is golden but shouting is fun.
Unknown
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
Jim Davis (Garfield the Cat)
The value of your goal, is the path you take to reach it. The rockier the path, the stronger you'll grow. Move forward. Take action. And make it happen.
Talent is a God's gift to you. What you do with it is your gift to God.
In my walks, every man I meet is my superior in some way, and in that I learn from him.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
Of course you found it in the last place you looked. If you hadn't found it you'd still be looking.
Never stand begging for what you have the power to earn.
Miguel de Cervantes
Whenever a man seeks your advice he generally seeks your praise.
Lord Chesterfield
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
G. K. Chesterton
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
Winston Churchill
If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time--a tremendous whack.
Winston Churchill
The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
Frank Hubbard
For all your days prepare, and meet them ever alike: when you are the anvil, bear -- when you are the hammer, strike.
Edwin Markham
Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.
Harry Emerson Fosdick
The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this; decide what you want.
Ben Stein
The constitution of America only guarantees pursuit of happiness; you have to catch up with it yourself.
Gill Robb Wilson
I so desire to conduct the affairs of this administration that if at the end, when I come to lay down the reins of power, I have lost every other friend on earth, I shall at least have one friend left, and that friend shall be down inside of me.
Abraham Lincoln
Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.
Arnold Glasow
It's nothing against you to fall down flat, but to lie there-- that's disgrace.
Edmund Vance Cooks
Failure doesn't mean you are a failure... it just means you haven't succeeded yet.
Robert Schuller
Joy is the feeling of grinning inside.
Dr. Melba Colgrove
"One of these days" is NONE of these days.
English Proverb
He that riseth late must trot all day.
Benjamin Franklin
The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet.
James Openheim
If God is for us, who can be against us?
Romans 8:31
That old law about "an eye for an eye" leaves everybody blind.
Martin Luther King
Millions saw the apple fall, but Newton was the one who asked why.
Bernard Baruch
When I look into the future, it's so bright it burns my eyes.
Oprah Winfrey
Nobody has ever expected me to be President.
Abraham Lincoln
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
If I can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I thought.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
An eye for an eye and the whole world would be blind.
Mahatma K. Gandhi
I may be crazy, but I'm not dumb.
Ale
Cities like Lakewood Ohio should plant *real* trees instead of those whimpy, low-maintenance cheap-ass maples everywhere. Plant real trees that feed other things..... think about it.
A public service from the Almost Huemon Band
Who's been in my box???
Rik the Cat Dude
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
Salvador Dali
The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes so many of them.
Abraham Lincoln
I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. I spent last summer folding it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
Steven Wright
One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
Joe Martin
It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world could use a few people like that.
Alan Alda
Smack your child every day. If you don't know why -- he does.
Joey Adams
Don't just stand there -- do something.
Anonymous
When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.
Anonymous
If you can't win, make the fellow ahead of you break the record.
Anonymous
There are moments when everything goes well; don't be frightened, it won't last.
Jules Renard
Don't hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit softly.
Theodore Roosevelt
In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.
Thomas Jefferson
When One Great Scorer comes to write against your name, He marks, not that you won or lost, but how you played the game.
Grantland Rice
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
...It's a very good historical book about history.
Vice President Dan Quayle
I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.
Senator Dan Quayle
We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity, family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America.
Senator Dan Quayle, 1988
I have made good judgments in the Past.
I have made good judgments in the Future.
Vice President Dan Quayle
,hr>
The future will be a better tomorrow.
Vice President Dan Quayle
I happen to be a Republican president -- ah, the vice president.
Vice President Dan Quayle
Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated.
Romans 9:13
Love thy neighbour as thyself.
Leviticus
The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.
Recently, I was asked if I was going to fire an employee who made a mistake that cost the company $600,000. No, I replied, I just spent $600,000 training him. Why would I want somebody to hire his experience?
Thomas J. Watson
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vergetarian.
Dennis Wholey
Keep your words sweet--you may have to eat them.
If you don't know where you're going, you can never get lost.
Herb Cohen
To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites.
Robert A. Heinlein
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
Samuel Butler
I am always willing to learn, however I do not always like to be taught.
Winston Churchill
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid and say the opposite.
Sam Levenson
Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't go the guts to bite people themselves.
August Strindberg
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I...I took the one less traveled by, and that made all the difference.
Robert Frost
Never fear shadows. They simply mean that there's a light somewhere nearby.
Ruth E. Renkei
Experience is the worst teacher; it gives the test and then the instructions.
The man who follows a crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.
Alan Ashley-Pitt
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
Friedrich Nietzsche
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
You're a genius if you fly a kite during a thunderstorm, and discover that lighting is electricity--but you're an idiot if you fly a kite during the thunderstorm, and discover that lighting can kill you.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
People who never achieve happiness are the ones who complain whenever they're awake, and whenever they're asleep, they are thinking about what to complain about tomorrow.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Vice President Dan Quayle
I've been told to keep my remarks relatively brief. I understand Quayle-hunting season begins at noon.
Senator Dan Quayle
Although in public I refer to him as Mr. Vice President, in private I call him George... When I talked to him on the phone yesterday. I called him George rather than Mr. Vice President. But, in public, it's Mr. Vice President, because that's who he is.
Senator Dan Quayle
I'm the Vice-President. They know it, and they know that I know it.
Vice President Dan Quayle
[I support efforts] to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate.
Vice President Dan Quayle
Real generosity is doing something nice for someone who will never find it out.
Frank A. Clark
He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare. And he who has one enemy will meet him everywhere.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.
William Feather
The man who wins may have been counted out several times, but he didn't hear the referee.
H.E.Jansen
Every notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
Anonymous
Failure to hit the bulls-eye is never the fault of the target.
Gilbert Arland
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.
Anonymous
Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.
Winston Churchill
All rivers and people are crooked because they follow the path of least resistance.
The road to success is not doing one thing 100 percent better, but doing 100 things one percent better.
Don't lock your stable door after the horse is stolen.
Always borrow money from pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back.
Anonymous
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all.
Anonymous
Yesterday is a cancelled check; tomorrow is a promissory note; today is the only cash you have, so spend it wisely.
Kay Lyons
Give me a stock clerk with a goal, and I will give you a man who will make history. Give me a man without a goal, and I will give you a stock clerk.
J.C. Penny
It is kind of fun to do the impossible.
Walt Disney
The good news is that the bad news can be turned into good news when you change your attitude!
Robert Schuller
The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg... not by smashing it.
Arnold Glasow
Learn to laugh at your troubles and you'll never run out of things to laugh at.
Lyn Karol
If you keep saying that things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.
Isaac Singer
A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world.
Many people avoid discovering the secret of success because deep down they suspect the secret may be--hard work!
There are 773,692 words in the Bible, but not once we find the word "worry" among them. The conclusion is obvious--if "worry" is not in God's vocabulary, it should not be in ours.
Anger is one letter short of danger.
When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take the step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for us to stand or we will be taught to fly.
Patrick Overton
The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas.
Linus Pauling
There was never an angry man that thought his anger is unjust.
St. Francis De Sales
The successful man is the one who finds out what is the matter with his business before his competitors do.
Roy L. Smith
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.
William Arthur Ward
When your ship comes in, make sure you are willing to unload it.
It matters not how many fish are in the sea...if you don't have any bait on your hook.
Dial West
If you can't win, make the fellow ahead of you break the record.
Anonymous
Lead, follow, or get out of the way.
Never lend books, for no one ever returns them. The only books I have in my library are books that other folks leant me.
Anatole France
When someone does something well, applaud! You will make two people happy.
Samuel Goldwyn
Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut.
Daniel Greenburg
Never cut what can be untied.
Joseph Joubert
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
Henry J. Kaiser
Decide promptly, but never give your reasons. Your decisions may be right, but your reasons are sure to be wrong.
Lord Mansfield
Always be nice to people on the way up; because you'll meet the same people on the way down.
Wilson Mizner
Always remember others may hate you but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself.
Richard M. Nixon
If there is light in the soul,
There will be beauty in the person.
If there is beauty in the person
There will be harmony in the house.
If there is harmony in the house,
There will be order in the nation.
If there is order in the nation,
There will be peace in the world.
Chinese Proverb
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