OK, class, listen up. Today we're going to talk about irony. Now I know you've all hear the Alanis Morissette song called "Ironic," but pay no attention to it because most of that stuff isn't ironic. Alanis Morissette isn't the only one that misuses it, however. You often hear TV news people mangle this word, too. (Example: if Ken Griffey Jr plays for the same team that his dad did and gets the same uniform number, that is not irony, although sportscasters will refer to it as such. Irony, loosely speaking, would be if Ken Griffey Jr. played for the archrival of his dad's team.) Irony is the opposite of what is expected. But I digress. MTV is a study in irony, because while the letters "MTV" stand for "music television," MTV rarely plays music.
Now I know some of you out there are saying, "But MTV has TRL and Say What Karaoke! Those are music shows!" Well, first off, those shows don't count. Number one, videos on TRL tend to be chopped to ribbons and you see maybe 60 seconds of all but the #1 video and the one new video that week. Second, "Say What Karaoke" quite frankly sucks. If I wanted to see crap like that, I could go down to one of the clubs in my town on a Wednesday night and listen to drunks sing karaoke. Chances are the drunks will be more entertaining and I won't have to listen to the obnoxious VJs or a screaming crowd because most of the crowd will be drunk and besides, no one goes out on Wednesday in my town. Third, when I listen to music, I want to listen to GOOD music. Karaoke almost never falls into this category, and TRL, as established in another section, is a blight on the face of the music industry.
With that aside, let's move on to the main part of my anti-MTV manifesto. Remember the good old days when MTV actually played videos? The last time I can remember MTV playing music with any regularity was back in '93. Ah, those were the days... pre-Road Rules, pre-Say What Karaoke, pre-Carson, pre-Tom Green... it was a great time to be a video fan. Sadly those days are long gone. Now MTV plays music maybe 6 hours a day, all in the freakin middle of the night. That's great for college students and other people who are up half the night. But for those of us that actually want to sleep once in awhile, it's awful. They tried to console us by launching M2 a couple of years ago. And I'll admit, M2 sounds like a great channel. I say, "sounds like" because, like most Americans, I haven't seen it. My cable system doesn't offer it, neither does my parents', and neither does any I've seen. I believe you can get it if you have a satellite dish, but don't quote me on that.
MTV's downfall can be traced to one show: "The Real World." I liked this show for the first 3 seasons, but after that it got old. "The Real World's" lack of quality didn't stop MTV from making more non-music shows, however. After "The Real World" came many more non-music shows, some good, some bad, and some just plain stupid. It is time for the MTV viewers to say that enough is enough. I propose the following MTV shows should be stricken from the air and all copies of their episodes burned:
TRL
Say What Karaoke
The Real World (except for the first 3 seasons and the reunions)
Road Rules
The Blame Game
The Tom Green Show
Undressed
Jukka Brothers (they weren't even funny in 30-second spots, I can't imagine how sucky their show must be!)
Rock 'n' Jock
MTV Sports
House of Style (except for when Cindy Crawford hosted)
Real World/Road Rules Challenge (as if these shows weren't bad enough separately)
Wanna Be a VJ (Hello? Jesse Camp came out of this! Didn't they learn anything from that whole debacle?)
FANatic
Diary
WebRiot
Also, a reader (Jpswheelcovers@aol.com) suggested I list Return of the Rock as one of the shows MTV should air more often.
If MTV takes my advice, they'll have plenty of time to play more videos. Barring that, they should just try to get more cable companies to pick up M2. (Notice I left out all of MTV's animated shows. I think animation is one of the few non-music things they do well.) If you have any more suggestions, email me.