I was watching "Where are They Now?" on VH1 the other day, and I came to the conclusion that in ten years or so, there will be a "Where are They Now?" on Brit, Christina, and friends. No doubt it will be highly entertaining TV. But I figure, hey, why wait? Without further ado, here are my predictions for the future of some of today's pop artists. I will add more in the coming weeks.
Ricky Martin: At a concert one night, shakes his bonbon so hard it breaks. Spends 6 months with his butt in a sling (literally). After physical therapy, is able to walk again, but fortunately can no longer dance. Disappears for 10 years or so and reemerges as "the Latin Lou Pearlman," managing the next Menudo.
Kevin Richardson: Lives off Burger King's lifetime supply of Whoppers for awhile after the BSB break up. Wakes up one day to realize he now weighs 400 pounds. Wants to lose weight but doesn't want to let the lifetime supply of Whoppers go to waste, so he turns them into a low-carb diet, which becomes moderately successful.
JC Chasez: When he learns that N'Sync is history, he is ecstatic because that means he gets to do more of his favorite thing - sleep! Goes to sleep immediately after the group breaks up, awakes briefly for the reunion tour in 2012, then sleeps some more.
Lance Bass: After much soul-searching, he discovers what most of us have already suspected: he's a woman trapped in a man's body. Gets a sex change and changes his name to Lacy. Then, moves to Vegas and becomes a showgirl. Other members are disgusted at the idea of Lance being a woman and bar her from the reunion tour. She sues them and wins 12 million dollars, which she uses to open her own casino.
Joey Fatone: After N'Suck N'ds, he gets a job at a telemarketing company. In his spare time, he collects Superman memorabilia. Becomes so obsessed with Superman that he changes his name to Clark Kent, starts wearing glasses even though he doesn't need them, and insists on wearing his Superman costume for all important occasions. In 2010, is institutionalized for his obsession. After he gets out, writes a self-help book about his experiences, changes his name back, and disgusts the other band members with his goody-goodyness.
Nick Carter: After BSB ends, he decides to try another career where looks matter more than talent - acting! Does a buddy movie with Rob Schneider; it flops. However, since Nick has more brains than the average BS boy, he has invested his cash wisely and is able to back the BSB reunion tour. Becomes a philanthropist and in his spare time, rags on younger brother Aaron for not being as successful musically.
Brian Littrell: One night in 2002, he snaps because he's not as attractive as the other BS boys. Nervous breakdown lands him in a mental institution for 6 months, causing the end of the BSB. After being released, he writes his autobiography which blames the other boys (and his parents, of course) for all his problems. After that, produces soundtracks for Disney movies. Spends most of reunion tour gloating that he wound up more succesful than the others.
Howie Dorough: After BS boys break up, Howie gets married. (Or is he the one that's already married? I can't keep track, they all kinda look the same to me.) Anyway, Howie's wife is an attorney, and since she makes more money in a year than he will in his whole post-BSB life, he stays home with their 2 kids. Then as now, he is the most unremarkable of the boys.
Britney Spears: Releases 3rd album in late spring/early summer 2001. Public realizes that it's just a knockoff of Baby One More Time... and Oops... I Did it Again - even uses ellipses in the title. Album flops, Brit returns to Kentwood in disgrace. In 2003, gets married to Justin Timberlake and they have 3 kids. They both work at crappy minimum wage jobs because they don't have the training to do anything else. They get divorced in 2012 and Britney goes on welfare.
Christina Aguilera: Not long after Britney fades away, Christina's career also goes the way of the dodo. Grabs a clue and decides to learn to do something other than sing badly and look stupid. Goes to beauty school and becomes a cosmetologist, figuring she has a knack for it after wearing all that makeup. Moves to Des Moines, opens her own beauty parlor, and is reasonably successful. Tries a comeback tour in 2010, but it fails.
AJ McLean: Johnny No Name gig makes him laughingstock of music industry and after BSB ends, he finds he can't get a singing gig to save his life. Moves to Sacramento and becomes a mechanic. Drives coworkers crazy with tales of glory days. Marries and has 2 kids who are embarassed to be seen with him. At BSB reunion tour in 2011, fans barely recognize him because he's nearly bald. Fellow BS boys still slightly angry at him because the whole Johnny No Name thing helped bring them down.
Justin Timberlake: In 2002, he is cornered by some real gangsters who beat the living crap out of him for being a poser. He survives, but his face is permanently disfigured from the beating. This causes teenies to look past Justin's looks and realize that he really can't sing. Overnight, N'Sync dies. After divorcing Brit, becomes a pro bowler a la Kingpin.
Chris Kirkpatrick: After N'Sync's career ends, realizes that the electrocuted poodle look is not him (or anyone else for that matter). Gets a crew cut, which along with the glasses often causes him to be mistaken for Drew Carey. Goes to college to study interior design. Becomes quite successful getting more money out of his former fans.