Things have been so crazy lately. Ever since our trip with Elias, I can’t get Jimmy out of my mind. I have to though. He said it wouldn’t happen again and he meant it. Still, it felt so right. His lips pressing against mine. He kissed just like I figured he would. Passionately, aggressively. Jimmy always seemed like the passionate type no matter what he did. I wonder what would have happened if we hadn’t been interrupted that night? Oh! I have to stop these crazy thoughts.

I have to keep busy. There were plenty of chores that needed to be done, and it was time I got my head out of the clouds and got to work. Thinking things like this aren’t going to get me anywhere. Besides, Jimmy already made it clear nothing was going to happen between us despite the looks we sent each other. And there was others to consider. Kid for one. I feel like I’ve betrayed him. I shouldn’t seeing how we’re not together. He sure didn’t think twice about courting Samantha. Who knows how far that would have gone if she hadn’t left. I should have the right to see others, just like he did.

Maybe I’ll chop wood. It always appeared to help the boys when they were fretting over something. It might help me take my mind off my love problems. Well here goes nothing. Chop. Nope didn’t help. Maybe it’s a guy thing. Hell, what else do I have to do? Thinking about Jimmy ain’t a better option. Chop.

“Guess she’s thinking,” Jimmy noted as peeked around the barn corner. Not that he blamed her. He had been doing some of his own. Kissing Lou was still fresh in his mind, and he couldn’t put their moment behind him for all the world. No matter how hard he tried to convince himself that they weren’t acting themselves that night, he couldn’t. You can’t lie to yourself. He had been longing for that kiss ever since he danced closely with her in Willow Springs. But although that dance brought a treasured closeness between them, it carried with it a haunting memory. Lou had almost died because of him. How could he ever put her in that danger again? He couldn’t. Risking her life by taking their present relationship further would be selfish.

Of course, Lou hadn’t agreed when he tried to explain this to her. The words she spoke in her secret defense echoed in his mind. “Someday, someone real special’s gonna come along, and you can’t keep treating her like she don’t matter.” That wasn’t his intention. She was everything beautiful in his world, and that’s why he couldn’t be with her. If only he could make her understand how precious she was. It was a crime to love her as deeply as he did. For her safety, Jimmy would have to be satisfied with the secret looks given to each other.

He’s watching me, I can feel it. Why do we have to play this cruel game? He’s got to know I’m thinking about him. Chopping wood ain’t something I normally do. The boys usually beat me to it. This chore is what you did when you had something heavy on your mind. They all knew that. Maybe I should let him know I see him. Then again what am I gonna say. We haven’t exactly been able to carry on a conversation since we got back. Mumbling here and there’s all we’ve accomplished. Well, talking’s safer than delivering the mail, so here goes nothing.

“Jimmy?” Oh he shouldn’t have a problem hearing that little whisper. A little loud might help. “Jimmy!” Definitely heard me that time. Maybe a little too loud!

“Yeah Lou?”

Great, now what do I say? “Umm.... could you help me carry some wood?” Nothing like a little team work to get a conversation going.

“You’ve only got three logs chopped.” He informed me as he approached.

“They’re heavy!” I stated defensively. He was going to spend some time with me now whether he liked it or not. We can’t go around avoiding each other like the plague.

“Lou, why don’t you just say what’s on your mind?” His brown eyes reflected how much he dreaded the words that needed to be spoken.

“We can’t keep acting like this,” I stated finally. How long could we possibly keep this up anyway? That kissed had meant something to both of us, and we can’t keep denying that.

“Lou, I thought we got through this?” He looked at the ground, secretly hoping I’d agree. But I won’t.

“If we got through this, then why haven’t things gotten back to the way they were?” Jimmy’s eyes finally met mine, and I could clearly see the pain in them. My persistence was making it harder for him to just walk away from his feelings, which is exactly what he had been doing.

“They will,” Jimmy stated with hidden determination before leaving me to my chore.

As he walked to the bunk house, my anger grew. He was going to throw away our chance just to protect me from the ‘dangers’ that come along with being with him?! How could he? Jimmy and Kid are the very same, and they don’t even realize it. Kid wants to protect me from all the dangers in the world, and Jimmy wants to protect me from all the dangers he believes shadow him. Men are so unbelievable! How many times do I have to inform them that I’m fully capable of holding my own?! That’s it, Jimmy Hickok. I’m calling you out.

When I entered the bunk house, I noticed my opponent stretched out on his bunk. Noah and Buck were quietly talking, but all that stopped when I sat down at the table. “Teaspoon’s looking for you two.” I felt terrible about deceiving them, but it needed to be done.

“Did he say what about?” Buck asked.

“Nope. Just said right away.”

“I’ll go,” Jimmy answered quickly.

“Fraid not,” I informed him. “Teaspoon asked for them.” Whether or not Buck and Noah believed me wasn’t clear, but they wasted no time leaving. Jimmy made an attempt to follow, but I unfortunately got in his way. Bad habit of mine.

“Lou-”

“Don’t Lou me, just listen. You may think you’re protecting me, but you’re not.” He started to protest, but with a wave of my hand, I silenced him. “I ride into all sorts of danger with all you boys. I can take care...”

“I never said you couldn’t,” he responded heatedly. “But it ain’t the same.”

“Why? Because being with you might cause me to be in more danger?”

“Yes,” he replied certainly. He had really convinced himself that he was a threat to those he loved.

“How many times did you almost get killed because of me? I can’t count ‘em.” I had a good argument and he knew it. All of the boys have come near death because of me. Going after my father is a prime example. “I’m just as much of a threat to you as you are to me.”

“You believe that?” His tone showed that he didn’t. The idea of me being a threat seemed absurd to him. He shifted uncomfortably, unsure of how to present a decent objection.

“I’m certain,” I assured him. “We’ve rode into all sorts of trouble together since our earliest express days. All of us have. If you’re a threat to me, then I guess they all are.”

“You’re wrong,” Jimmy said as he shook his head. “None of them bring the danger I bring with ‘em.”

“Don’t make the same mistake Elias made,” I warned desperately. “Don’t push the ones you care about away.” With that, I decided to end our battle. Convincing Jimmy he wasn’t a threat was tiring. Obviously, he was too set in his way. “I don’t want you to be alone like that,” I admitted softly before preparing to leave.

“Lou,” he called suddenly. “It won’t be easy.” My words had touched him deeply, and I turned to face him. His soft brown eyes held mine, and there had been uncertainty in his voice. Finally he was letting go, and taking the chance of a lifetime.

“I’ve never done things the easy way,” I reminded him. If I had, I definitely wouldn’t be here riding for the express.

“I’ve noticed,” he said teasingly.

My persistence had won him over. At least for now. We had taking the first step into unknown territory. A territory we had always been too scared to explore before. Whether or not we were strong enough to survive this new journey together was uncertain, but I looked forward to the challenge. My heart knew that the remarkable man I stood beside did too, even though he still had powerful fears. Although we were bound to encounter a few bumps in the road, together our possibilities could be endless.