So, as I believe, that was the start of my self
injury...
I don't remember any frequency with it at first, just
kind of here and there "might be" occurences....the
accidental cut.....things like that.....
I remember the next severe time, when the feelings were
sooo strong, I could not resist the temptation, and the
urge to self harm.......I was 12, and my friend, my best
friend, had just died.....He died from an accident on his
bicycle...it was very traumatic for me, the first time I
had really experienced death...and I didn't understand...I
just saw him the day before, what the hell happened??
So, I was at the pool, where i spent every day of the
summer......I was kind of adopted by the lifeguards as a
helper. I locked myself into a storage closet, really
wanting to harm myself because I was soo angry, and so
confused, I didn't know what else to do.....
There was a rusty old razor blade on the floor, and i
proceeded to pick it up, and cut my arms and legs with
it...was very dull, so I didn't do much damage......
This episode however, began my need, my desire to continue
on with my self injury, and to rely on it in times of
need...and that, I did......
It was also around this time, that I began needing control
in my life, so I thought...I began starving myself, my
early bouts with anorexia......which in turn, later turned
into the binge purge cycle......which in turn,
again..started my abuse of laxatives and diuretics...I
believe that this was all my way of abusing myself....for
things I felt i had no control over.....my eating habits
were not about weight, more about the self injury....it
gave me the same euphoria as the cutting did, but without
the blood and scars....and this too,
continued....alternating periods of self injury, and eating
habits......
I have been able to kind of pinpoint my times, my
triggers, of when I am most likely to harm myself, whether
by self injury, or eating disorder.....this is what I came
up with....
Stress......feeling out of control....intense hatred
of myself, or feeling I was in the wrong of hating
others.....depression....intense anger.....intense
fear.....
My main choice of weaponry as I like to call it,
varied also, depending on the level of the above......
burning.....cutting.....bruising....."banging"(like hitting
my fist against a wall, until the pain was sooo outrageous
I had to stop)........
most of these weapons only caused superficial
damage.....but it depended on how I was feeling, and the
need of control or punishment I felt I had to
accomplish....
To this day...I still self injure.....I guess I'm not ready
to stop.....its been a friend to me, so to
speak.....something that has been there, when i needed
it..through my most hard times.....to be there, to help
release all that I was feeling inside, that I could not
express on the outside..in words or writing.........
I have always felt alone with this....except for when I
admitted myself into the hospital, when the cycle had left
me so oblivious to the world, and to myself, that the only
way out was to go to inpatient treatment.....i met people
in the hospitals that were like me....some even more
severe...I learned kind of how and why I do this....but not
necessarily how to stop it......
I hope that through making this page, I can some how heal
my hurts, and help others.....to let them know that they
are not alone....that there is someone who knows how they
feel, and how they handle their fears and ills.......
Thank you for reading my story.
