gone

My sanity has left me. It did not just slink away like a over reactive novice thief, but rather it ran screaming away, taunting and cackling off into the distance. Too far away for me to give chase

But still close enough to be heard.  Mocking me, letting me see what I had, without letting me have it.

My ability to think rational

The power to control my moods

My thoughts

My dreams

My ideas

My knowledge

My emotions..all dust in the proverbial wind

My reflection is a hideous, frightening monster, of what I am

Reality has become nothing more than the remnants of memories fantasized.

The lingerings of mementios

The aftertrails of time spent

The frivoulous joys of life, shrouded, blinded,killed, by my own fears.

Gone forever..in the her mist

Returning, only in her arms

Reality is replaced by a deafening, maddening silence

The silence screams at me, the harder I try to cover my ears

The louder it becomes

A chorus of scream, rants, shrieks, piercing my eardrums

The darkness comes, always

The sunlight shines bright..but my soul and heart are dark, empty, gone

She’s left a void that will never be filled

She left because I was afraid

Something she never was..no fear

That is one of her many admirable, lovable enviable qualities.

All she asked was the same

I was afraid to tell her that I was too

I was afraid to share my fears, for fear seeming vulnerable

I was afraid to open my emotions, for fear of seeming human

I was afraid of what she would think of me, knowing that I doubted her.

Now..in doing so, I have caused the one thing that I never wanted.

She’s gone

She doesn’t want to come back, but without her, I will never return

I am gone

Who I am, who I’ve become, who I want to be

Gone

Why?

Because I was afraid of who I am

Can I get her back

I have to.

It is all I have left, she is everything I want

She is everything I need

She is heaven on earth

She is passion, personified

She is soul, whose beauty shines from deep within.

I am doomed to a life of hell, for forsaking one of God’s angels

Doomed to spend eternity in suffering.

Until she can open her heart

Open her arms

Trust and believe in who I am

That what I feel is real

She doubts my words, every single one

My only weapon amongst the world.

Words used to communicate, are now empty upon her ears

My fear has closed her eyes to my emotions

Blocked her ears from my words

Blocked her soul from mine.

In the grand scheme, I know very little, though others may argue otherwise

Useless knowledge, innumerable facts, litter my brain, the purpose of which only manifest itself in certain situations

However I am ignorant in the ways of life..feelings, love, emotion. 

Numbed by a past of inconsistency

Lulled by a wealth of tolerance

Now, I know only this.

I love her

I need her

My life is not mine, or anything without her

Does she believe me? No

Can she see these feelings? No

Can she hear my words? No

Will she ever?

I can only hope, dream, and keep trying.

It is all I have left

All I am

All I will ever be

(Have I ever really been anything..)

All I want to be

(Were my desires and dreams,just clouding, masking the beast within)

Otherwise, I cede myself to the darkness

I bow to the cackling madman in defeat

I live my life amongst the emptiness, bathing, wrapping myself in its steely blanket

Never to burden another with my presence, my evil

Waiting for the end.