Government Humor

KNOCKING ON HEAVEN'S DOOR
Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate -- approached the
Pearly Gates.  After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared.  "Who goes
there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton"
"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.
"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.
"Soooo," pondered Peter.  "What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you
shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale.  I guess I had extra-
marital sex  -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really
have 'sexual relations.'  And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal.
We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.'
You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it
'eternity.'  And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering,  just don't hold your
breath waiting for it to freeze over."
 
And I just Killed the Pig
     
     Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one 
     night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill 
     told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners 
     what had happened.
     
     About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car 
     with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his 
     clothes all ripped and torn.
     
     "What happened to you?", asked Bill.
     
     "Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 
     19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.
     "My God, what did you tell them?", asks Clinton.
     The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the 
     pig."

Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot 
     pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill 
     outand make someone down below happy."
     
     Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I 
     would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy."
     
     Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so 
     he pipes in, "I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to 
     make 100 people just a little happier."
     
     At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't 
     stand it anymore,comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of 
     you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."
GEORGE WASHINGTON TODAY...

   "George Washington, did YOU chop down the cherry tree?"
   "No, Dad."
   "I think you are lying."
   "No, no, no!  I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree."
   "Son, I saw you out here with your axe.  Your punishment will be much
worse for you if you lie.  Now, tell me the truth!"
   "Dad, I answered your question truthfully.  Still, I must take
complete responsibility for all my actions.  While my answer was legally
accurate, I did not volunteer information.
   "Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground.
   To do this was wrong.  It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a
personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely
responsible.  I know my answer to you gave a false impression.  I misled
you, my own father.  I deeply regret that. I can only tell you I was
motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the
embarrassment of my own conduct.
   "I was also very concerned about protecting Mom from this shock.
   "What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall.  Only
after the tree was already down did I go get my axe to chop off
individual branches. So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree.
Look at the saw cut on the stump and the axe cuts on the branches. Therefore,
legally, I told the truth.
   "I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and to
return our attention to a solid family relationship."

Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A. The nation.

    On Clinton's last trip to Hawaii, he went swimming at Waikiki Beach.
He got caught in a riptide and was been pulled out to sea. Three young
surfers paddled out to him and brought him to shore. He wanted to reward
them, and asked what they would like.
    The first said he wanted to be a fighter pilot, and Clinton said he
would get him an appointment to the A.F. Academy.
    The second one said he wanted to command a submarine. "Fine, I'll
get you into the Naval Academy."
    The third said he wanted to be buried at Arlington. Clinton looked
puzzled and asked why such a young person was concerned about where he
would be buried.
    "Because", said the surfer, "when I go home and tell my Vietnam
Veteran dad that I saved your life, he's going to kill me!"

   We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help
   everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more
   riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the
   blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great
   grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some
   common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden,
   delusional and other cry-baby, bleeding hearts.  We hold these truths
   to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the
   Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

 ARTICLE I:
   You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other
   form of wealth.  More power to you if you can legally acquire them,
   but no one is guaranteeing anything.
 ARTICLE II:
   You do not have the right to never be offended.  This country is based
   on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you!  You
   may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion,
   etc., but the World is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
 ARTICLE III:
   You do not have the right to be free from harm.  If you stick a
   screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect
   the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently
   wealthy.
 ARTICLE IV:
   You do not have the right to free food and housing.  Americans are the
   most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in
   need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after
   generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than
   than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
 ARTICLE V:
   You do not have the right to free health care.  That would be nice,
   but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in
   health care.
 ARTICLE VI:
   You do not have the right to physically harm other people.  If you
   kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if
   the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
 ARTICLE VII:
   You do not have the right to the possessions of others.  If you rob,
   cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be
   surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place
   where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or life
   of leisure.
 ARTICLE VIII:
   You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives
   in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience.  We hate oppressive
   governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if
   you'd like.  However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do
   not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little
   tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
 ARTICLE IX:
   You don't have the right to a job.  All of us sure want all of you to
   have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect
   you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational
   training laid before you to make yourself useful.
 ARTICLE X:
   You do not have the right to happiness.  Being an American means that
   you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot
   easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws
   created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
      by State Representative Mitchell Kaye
         Cobb County, GA



President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some
puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they
are, and the man responds, "They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President."
Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he
brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man
to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man
responds, "They're Republican puppies." The president looks puzzled and
says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat
puppies." The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today,
they have their eyes open!"



Clinton was walking around the White House with a pair of ladies 
panties on his arm.   Everyone was looking at him and wondering 
what he was doing now.   After about an hour one guy got brave 
enough to ask him what he was doing with the pair of ladies panties
on his arm. Clinton replied:  "It's the patch.  I'm trying to quit".