What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol'boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead."
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There are tobacco-spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
What is a Redneck's defense in court?
"Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."
What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A documentary.
What do they call it in Kentucky? "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
A TEXAN'S GUIDE TO LIFE Crisis management principle: Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back. Negotiation principle: Never drop yer gun to hug a grizzly. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. A good horse never comes in a bad color. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along & shot him...........The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Always drink upstream from the herd. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but you might need to know what it was. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Never miss a good chance to shut up. There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
How To Tell If A Redneck Is Working In Your Office 10. The mouse is referred to as a "critter." 9. There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU. 8. The password is "bubba." 7. Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it. 6. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them. 5. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast. 4. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them. 3. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options. 2. The monitor is up on blocks. And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Is Working At A Computer In Your Office (drum roll please).... 1. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
"I'm my own Grandpa" (I'm not sure who originally wrote or sang this, but I love it, and someone just emailed it to me, so I thought that I would share it) Many many years ago When I was twenty three, I got married to a widow Who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandmother too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
The Top 39 Things You Would NEVER Hear A Southerner Say: 39. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex" 38. Duct tape won't fix that. 37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. 36. Come to think of it I'll have a Heineken. 35. We don't keep firearms in this house. 34. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer? 33. You can't feed that to the dog. 32. I thought Graceland was tacky. 31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. 30. Wrasslin's fake. 29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 28. We're vegetarians. 27. Do you think my hair is too big? 26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. 25. Honey, these bonsai trees need watering? 24. Who's Richard Petty: 23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 22. Deer heads detract from the decor. 21. Spitting is such a nasty habit. 20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 19. Trim the fat off that steak. 18. Cappuccino tastes better that espresso. 17. The tires on that truck are just too damn big. 16. I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad. 15. I've got it all on a floppy disk. 14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? 12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's 11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. 9. Checkmate. 8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini. 7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? 6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 5. I don't have a favorite college team. 4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. 3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is-- 1. Elvis who?
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wears it to church on Sundees." The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
Georgia Edition It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition of windows 95 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you have one of the Georgia editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Georgia edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 95 with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plactic disc thangs. Other features: Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape. OK = ats aww-right cancel = hail no reset = awa shoot yes = shore no = Naaaa find = hunt-fer it go to = over yonder back = back yonder help = hep me out here stop = ternit off start = crank it up settings = sittins programs = stuff at does stuff documents = stuff I done done Also note that winders 95 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to winders 95 tiperiter................A word processor colering book............a graphics program addin mershene...........calculator scratch paper ...........notepad jupe-box ................CD Player inner-net................Microsoft Explorer pichers..................A graphics viewer IRS......................M/S accounting software IRS2.....................M/S accounting software with hidden files coon dog.................American kennel club records fishin...................Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records. NRA......................National Rifle Association shot gun ................Remington Arms price list riffel...................Winchester price list pisstel..................Smith & Wesson price list truck....................Ford &Chevrolet dealers in GA. by zip code house....................Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code car .....................same as truck just need two list in Texas cuzzins..................family history usually a 3 meg file tax records..............usually an empty file shells...................ammunition inventory another 3 meg file bud......................list of Budwiser dealers by zip code racin....................NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race car n truck Parts........nearest Junk yard by zip code doc .....................veterinarians by zip code We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Georgia edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
YOU MIGHT BELONG TO A RED-NECK FIRE DEPT. IF........ 1.Your dept. has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing while responding to an incident. 2. You have naked lady mudflaps on your pumper 3. Your firehouse has wheels. 4. You've ever got back and found yourself locked out of the station by your wife 5. Training consists of everyone standing around a fire getting drunk. 6. You painted your fire truck to match Dale Ernhart's racer 7. You've ever let a persons house burn down because they would not let you hunt their ground 8. Your personel vehicle has more lights on it than your house has in it 9. You've ever walked through a Christmas display and walked away with at least 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck. 10.Your rescue vehicle can smoke the tires. 11. Your fire departments name is misspelled on your equipment. 12. The nurses and doctors turn out the lights and hide when you show up at the hospital to get your equipment. 13. Dispatch can't mention your name without laughing. 14. The local news crew will not put your dept on tv because you embarassed them last time. 15. Your Dept. is sponsored by "Skoal" 16. You've ever reffered to a light bar as sexy. 17. Your heart D-fib consists of a marine battery, a pair of jumper cables, and a fish finder. 18. You've ever taken a girl out in a pumper. 19. Your pumper has been on fire more time than it has been to a fire. 20. Your pumper puts up more smoke than the 2 story house fire. 21. You've ever called it quits on a house fire because the beer got hot. 22. You've ever been out late to the house fire because you had to stop and pick up the guy who fell off the truck. 23. You've ever stopped in route to pick up a road kill 24. You hand out spit cans before each meeting. 25. You have a sign out in front of the station that reads " Will fight fires for beer." 26. Your equipment has chew stains down the sides of them 27. Everyone in your dept is related in some way or another
ARKANSAS RULES OF ETIQUETTE PERSONAL HYGIENE While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.DINING OUT When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.DATING (Outside the Family) Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested "I've been wanting to go out with you since........" Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.THEATER ETIQUETTE Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.WEDDINGS Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.DRIVING ETIQUETTE Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back soft drinks and a candy bar. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS Never take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets
The Top 16 Ways the Olympics Would Differ if Held in Arkansas: 16. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks. 15. Little Rock's most famous strip club, "Peek-a-Boo Street", forced to change its name. 14. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by Hillary Clinton. 13. The Big Event? The 100m Sisterchase. 12. No snow + No ice = Skiing through 10 inches of grits and skating on fresh bacon fat. 11. Instead of shooting at boring targets, biathletes take aim at muskrats and ATF agents. 10. Olympic officials attempt to pass off LeAnn Rimes' frantic yodeling as a medley of all the different national anthems, "includin' all them new Russian ones!" 9. Metal detectors replaced with ringworm detectors. 8. Teary-eyed awe of seeing Olympic Flame burn is replaced by teary-eyed *hyucks* of seeing Vern light his own gas. 7. Urine drug test magically transformed into "Distance Pissing Competition." 6. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park. 5. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by awards of gold, silver and bronze teeth. 4. Curling now merely one part of the "Big Hair" competition. 3. Opening Ceremony reduced to Roger Clinton with a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets. 2. Hometown favorites falter in ice skating competitions due to all them extra toes. and the Number 1 Way the Olympics Would Differ if Held in Arkansas... 1. Two words: Billy Bobsledding
