My Hell

These poems, unless otherwise noted, are from 1997-1998.

i sit here burning

watching the insense smoke swirl

the bitter stench of it mixing with my burning flesh

makes me sick to my stomach

leave me alone now

i'm burning

i'm blistering festering

i lie here bleeding

watching the REDNESS flow

into thick hot puddles around my body

writhing in sick misery

scratching poems onto the white walls

but no one can see me

i sit here staring

ripping out my eyeballs

they've seen too many things

they've cried too much

so i'm cleaning myself of them

i feel so PURE

i lie there getting raped

watching him violate me

seeing the blood from my lost innocence

hurting too much to fight

caring enough to cry

feeling so much i could die

but numbness will come soon

and i will grasp her hand so eagerly

and sink down into nothingness

so JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!

i'm burning

i'm blistering festering

i'm DYING

you.....

what can i say?

any words i manage to find

will surely fall short

of you

i had never felt anything true

everything i conceived

was a carbon copy of someone else's opinion

in a cute little package

pleasing to the world

and i waltzed around

with a grin plastered on my lips

when all i felt like doing was dying

you

i looked up one day

at you..........

and for the first time in my life

i felt something no one taught me to feel

something real

i remember wondering

why

what was it about your eyes?

wondering why i was so afraid to look in them

frightened i might be the........

same

it hurt like hell

for a fucking long time

confusion and terror

at having control of my own mind

i'm scared

of being scarred

and of letting you have so much power over me

now i still don't understand you.... not like i want to

and i don't understand how you do that

how are you so beautiful?

why do your eyes look so pretty when you cry?

i'm afraid i may fall into you

and get lost forever.........

this last poem was for someone, who will remain anonymous as for now

RED LIPS LICK DUST

SUICIDE IS A MUST

I HATE YOU SO MUCH I WANNA BASH IN YOUR FACE

YOU'RE NOT MUCH TO LOOK AT ANYWAYS

STUPID BASTARD KILL ME PLEASE

YOUR EYES ARE GETTING GREENER

THE BLOOD GLISTENS

LIKE PRETTY SICK STARS

YOU CONFUSE ME SO MUCH

YOU REALLY F*CK ME UP

THE WAY YOU LOOK AT ME

YOU KNOW IT'S A SIN

blood drips

my sanity tips

over the edge

to fall into your hands

pulling me under

this PAIN is indescribable

how can you just stand there

and throw pRoZaC in my face

how can you just scream at me

while i'm consumed in flames

look at me and see the holes

ripping my body apart

the emptiness and the anger

are useless now

i'm gone forever

i am laying in my own vomit

trying to comprehend how you could smile

while this ugly girl is in hell

i can feel his dry hands on my stomach

taste his dirty kisses on my lips

and it stings to know that i am whore dirt

lying here with some bastard up my skirt

on you laugh as i cry

all i wish is to DIE

IS THERE A GOD?! chances are

he's on top of me

laughing at me

inside of me

peeling the insides of me

sweet tonight

i realized how the world works

thriving on the weak

and the sickened like me

where should i stand?

i'm left behind all the rest

spitting out rejected words

in this ugly mess

how i would love to be a child again

innocent, dreaming eventually i would be someone

someone worth fighting for

but i am just a fragment of what i am expected to be

sitting in the closet holding my hands to the sky

praying for some purity again

to cleanse this bleeding heart of mine

and to show them what they've done

f*ck you to no one

you have so much power

you don't even know

everytime you turn away

i die inside

These poems are sick, i know. they may scare you. but these are my feelings and i will not censor them just so you can have your peace of mind while i go insane trying to fake it all **

her eyes call to me saying

drink me seduce me kill me

i want to so bad

her blood on my lips

the BITTERNESS

SALTINESS

DIRTINESS

i'd rub it onto my whole body

what a pretty shade of red

if she's dead

i'll CUT her into little pieces

and hang her like stars in the bathroom

burn insence and candles

gaze into her eyes

whispering secrets

i LOVE her too much sometimes

her hair's so soft

sometimes i want to wear it

dark and pretty

all for me

they might not understand

why we killed her

we should tell her to lie or something

make it look like a suicide or something

i'll cook you dinner for three

she'll join us in little pieces

in the bathroom

i can feel her again

her sweet breath

on my neck

so cold

so sad

she holds my hand

i feel the heat

leaving my body

and my strength

is gone.......

winter is coming

my smile will be frozen soon

so fake and illumicent

so dead

so pale

so FOREVER

can you try to break the surface

and pull me out of this glass shell

i shall leave SOON

i will love you

i will kiss you

forever

mY LaUgHtEr tUrNeD tO tEaRs

mY gIgGLeS tO sCrEaMs

i wAnNa jUsT gO iNsAnE

aNd YeLL mY pAiN

sO aLL tHe f*cKiNg nEgAtiVe pEoPLe

cAn cRy wItH mE

aNd We'LL hAvE a BaLL

iN oUr sUiCiDe gOwNs

nOThInG iS fOrEvEr

yOu WiLL tUrN YeLLoW sOoN Grrrrl

sOmEtHiNg wILL KiLL yOu iF yOu dOn'T

eVeRy WorD yOu sPeWed wAs uNtRue

i WaNnA f*cKiNg KiLL yOu

at the times when i was the worst

you pushed me farther down

held my head under until i drowned

BASTARD

and at the times i needed love

you had to tell me how worthless i was

i f*ckin cried over your hatefullness

i sliced and cut and slashed

hope you got your f*cking laugh

i think you're a sick judgemental fag

and i hate you

for adding to my sadness

i would have just thought

you could kill me

that'd be nicer

than leaving me an empty shell

trying to live through this hell

smile and giggle

F*CKER!!!

dear god

i'm writing you from hell

i'm burning and bleeding

you love me YEAH i know

but i'm choking so...

dear god

you're who knows where

F*CK you i'm hurting here

i'm an angry bitter girl

guess you know that though

cause no one else speaks to you in those tones

i was just wondering if you'd have time

to hear a lonely girl cry

sorry for bothering you

i'll visit you soon

oh i forgot......

i'm a SINNER

and no forgiveness will touch me

i always knew i would die alone

maybe you can hold me up

no i doubt it

i'm too ugly

his loud voice makes me shake

stop yelling screaming

like we all expected

i was a failure and a fake

as usual

and goodbye world

said the snow to the sun

f*ck you cancer in my gun

how'd you get so much PRETTIER than me

you're too much BIGGER than me

and mommy's in the bathroom

it's bloody in the bathroom

i'm in the padded room

yelling at the sky

she sits on a chair

playing her guitar

open house at the coffee shop

no one's listening girl

she yells into the microphone

singing sad notes

and speaking of things that actually matter

but still the mindless chatter

and the clink-clink of the coffee cups goes on

she sings of love

and hate

and all the in-betweens

no one KARES girl

a string snaps

on her guitar

finally she cracks as well

so she gets up

and puts her guitar away

she orders a coffee to go

** she's going back into depression

falling farther and farther from where she should be

sitting in her room

and plucking the stars down

from the sky

will you be there with her

if she decides to die

sorry she hasn't shaved for two days

and her pretty panties

are in the wash

she's getting tinier and tinier

by the hour

almost non-existent when she cries

you can see her innocence is stolen

by just looking in her haunted eyes

sitting in her room

and plucking the stars down

from the sky

crying in the closet

will you be there

when she dies?

i'm a waste of skin

a waste of time

a waste of worry

a waste of mind

don't think about me

i'm a waste of space

i'm a waste of talent

with an ugly face

i'm a waste of sh*t

you could do better things with

i'm a waste of your advice

i'm a waste of therapy time

i'm a waste of prozac

i'm a waste of money

i'm a waste of everything

so stop holding me

i'm a waste of color

i'm a unique little whore

i'm a waste of room

i'm a waste of trash

i'm a way too fat

i'm a waste of a friend

a bad fuck and

i'm an unlovable waste of life

even undeserving of your dirty knife

i'll just break a glass

to slice my wrists with

just ask

anyone

i'm a waste of sh*t

you could do better things with

this next part is really weird. it's not really a poem, more a journal entry or something. if you've got this far, wow, i'm impressed. i have lots more to say so just keep checking up on this page because i'll keep it updated every week or so.

god look at me

i'm so sad

no one CARES

i don't either

STUPID ME

STUPID ANNE

i agree with all you people that hate me

i do too

finally i can cry in my room

although daddy will come running soon

to yell at me cause i'm DEPRESSED

and that's a sin(Oh, didn't you know?)

i want to die so bad

die die die die die die die die die die die die

f*ck you f*ck you f*ck you f*ck you cut you

nothing is helping me

nothing can help me

i've tried it all

and ALL I WANT IS SOME F*CKING LOVE

BUT NO ONE CAN GIVE IT TO ME

AND I HATE THEM ALL FOR HURTING ME

and now i'm dying

i hate most of all myself

stupid ugly stupid ugly UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY

weak weak weak slut slut slut liar liar liar theif theif bitch bitch fat fat fat fat FAT so stupid stupid

that's me-anne

i hate her

i'm gonna kill her

i hope to do it soon

and everytime you look away you kill another piece of me

and everytime you aren't there i'm closer to the death of me

you can't be all i need

that's okay

goodnight i'll sleep tight

nothing will solve this agony

what am i waiting for

waiting for the insanity of myself

waiting for generose

waiting for the eighteen medicines to work

waiting for JESUS to die for my sins

but i'm still so DIRTY and UgLy

waiting for something real in life

but it's all so dead on the inside

i'm falling through your fingers

down the drain

you don't care and you can do anything you want to me

cause i won't feel the sting

i'm just numb

so go on and take it all

girls when they fall

Now the "normal" stuff:
sitting in the hot steam

until the wallpaper crinkles off

but i'm still not clean

and i scrub inside but the dirty girl

still comes back with a smirk

you bastard you will leave me in the dirt

i can already read the rest of the pretty fairytale

and when i'm in the light

it'll all come crashing down

to kill us all

the sparkly stars i adore

will burn out because of me, the whore

they don't pity worship

i need to stop feeding myself

i'm too fat and i'm ugly

uglier than hell and hate

i don't deserve to see

what i appreciate

cause i'm so stupid

red eyed girl

with the runny nose

that's me and no one knows

in six years i'll just be that "girl who killed herself-what was her name? Amy or something?"

too bad

i think it was your eyes that lured me

so i would dangle

like a suicide body

you are the rope around my neck

and i need to jump free

but i dangle

bright red

do you understand

the confusion i feel

i am burning with shame

i am so dirty and cursed

no one will understand

i am such a sick sick sick girl

where will i find a foothold?

god has rejected me

all my friends have turned away

i am blushing with fear

at the rage RAGE RAGE

and WHY DO I HAVE TO BE?!?!

my innocence is ugly

danglin from the ceiling

F*cK it all

**i smell sugar on your breath

you've got angelhair you little bitch

in your ripped white lacy dress

i can see where you're going and where you've been

blood's running down your leg

can't you stop it

can't you hold it in

you're screaming out

you can't stop him

you'll let him in

he's bigger than you

he's got beer on his breath

you've got DEMONHAIR you f*cking bitch

IN YOUR SEE THROUGH SHIRT

CRAWLING IN THE DIRT

i'm whirling down again

it's YOU i want and that hurts

you're so pure and clean

i'm dirty and sinful

on drugs to make me sleep

to make me be happy

trying to be what mommy wants

but i eat too much

sometimes i eat more drugs

but usually i throw them up

my skin's never white wither

why do you need to hurt me

you bitch

you aren't as bad as me yet

i am empty

i think you are really laughing

well not me not me

you'll never be as ugly as me

no one is uglier than anne

stop touching your hair

stop touching your face

i love you so much

i want to die

so hold me

you look so soft and nice

a good place to die

and so STABLE

i want you to let me cry

i want you to let me cry.....

i cry out in pain

not because you abuse me

but because i know you will leave me again

and you will kill me

leave me for dead

the cuts on my legs

are for you

the ache in my throat

is from screaming your name

the blood dripping down my chin

is your love

it is time to die

she whispered softly

and closed her eyes

breathing in slowly

the thick cold pungent aroma of the night

death is closing in

she can feel it all around her

her body shakes with fear

but her spirit is calm

for this is what she always wanted

she chides herself

for the apprehension she has

is so naive and childlike

what has she receded to?

she feels so MUCH

every whisp of wind

every smooth strand of hair that flies in her eyes

every dried path that the tears took

she sucks in a dry breath of air

choking on the sour saliva in her mouth

she must calm down

this is her destiny

and she can only see beauty now

looking down the barrel of this pistol

already she can picture her blood splattered

over her clear white skin

see herself sprawled on the ground

this pretty grave

in peace at last

her hair reddened with blood

but still so beautiful

and oh

the stillness that will soon surround her

fullfilled contentment

no more emptiness

no more pain

pain

PAIN

the PAIN that she feels now

the PAIN that never ends

PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it is time NOW NOW NOW

she must NOT get upset

the moment is so fragile

like herself it could be so easily broken

and then lost

no no this will not

IT MUST NOT pass on

she will get her rest

and she will get it now

it may hurt

but she WILL have it

here it is

the moment she's been dying for

this is to all the hate that she had

to the bitterness of a world that took away all her strength

in her trembling thin fingers

she raises the gun

up above her long white dress

(the one she wore to be baptized)

past her scarred stomach

(she will be baptized soon in blood)

above her scarred arms

up to her paled forehead

and then she stops

sobbing

she always DOES this

fucks up everything

and she's

ruining the perfect makeup

ruining the perfect death

but she needs to be beautiful

for one second

one FUCKING SECOND!!!!!

abrubtly she stops

and opens her reddened eyes wide

looks inside the cold chamber

and watches the bullet go in

feeling nothing

but at the same time feeling everything

in that split second she sees

a lifetime of HELL HELL HELL

melt away

no more scars

no more emptiness

just a body

with no soul

just another statistic

just another suicide victim

nameless

blameless

perfect

gone

dead

it's over

and.........

a suicide victim

that's all she'll ever be

but she knows

she's FUCKING LUCKY