It should’ve been october

When they wheeled me down the long hall and

Into the room

Hooked me up to an IV bag an EKG monitor a

Blood pressure gauge

Poked and probed and prepped

But at six months early

There are no videos of a baby screaming into life in full color

Just a black and white sonogram snapshot of a

Baby still cradled in its tomb

No soft flesh to pass through me into life

Just a sterile metal rod to scrape the death

From my womb

No certificate of birth

Just a bottle of pills for the cramps

I guess that’s what happens when it’s only april

And

It should’ve been october.

For my husband

I’m sorry

I know how much you wanted this baby

And I know you must be scared

Wondering why something that seems to be

So easy

For everyone else

Can be so difficult

For me

I want so badly to give you a child

You deserve to have your dream fulfilled

You are so good

And kind

And filled with so much love to share

I tried

And I failed

I failed

And I’m sorry.