The Computer Dude's Dictionary

Comp Dude - A person who knows computers and spend all his free time playing or working with them.

Computer Illiterate - A person who has either no time or interest in learning computers. Just to treat them just as if they were normal.

Computer Nerd - Synonym for Comp Dude generally used by computer illiterates who just "don't get it".

Buddy - Another Synonym For Comp Dude used by computer illiterates who need the Comp Dudes help on the computer.

Fastest Thing On The Market - If you buy it now you might hook it up before they come out with something faster

Standard - They already came out with something faster.

Sub-standard - You're buying a toaster.

Fully Compatible with most Systems - It'll work with all Systems except the ones you own.

User Friendly - The program will ask ten times if you're really, really, really, really sure you want to do whatever it is you just told it to do.

On-line help - A document that will tell you exactly what you already know and never any thing you don't.

Technical Support - last ditch effort used just after you noticed that the machine was smoking.

Required 4 megs of RAM, Suggested 8 megs of RAM - It'll run on 4 megs, however you'll want to buy a Game Boy so you'll have something to play during the time between you're pushing a button and your character moves as a result,

Pray - REALLY last ditch effort used after Technical Support fails. Usually done at least 40 feet from the computer so that if explodes you wont be injured.

User Manual - Novel included with all major computer components written in foreign language and discussing mythical things called "jumpers" and "irq." If you know the language, you can charge a dollar a minute to translate to others.

Specialized Tool Used in Computer Repair - Hammer. Use this product at your own risk - Do not use.

Driver - A program designed to crash your OS.

This may take a minute - Programs say this when they begin an operation, which will take between one minute and one generation.

OS - Acronym for Operating System. DOS and Windows are operating systems. OSs arein charge of corrupting memory and delivering error messages.

Power Surge - Scapegoat used when something in your computer fries, "I didn't connect those wires backwards! We must of had a power surge.

Surge protector - What your friend points to after you try to blame your catastrophe on a power surge. "Wouldn't your surge protector prevent the surge from frying yourmachine?" "No."

Screen saver - This is what you stare at for three hours while you search your brain for a possible solution to the catastrophe.

Choppy - Denotes the program is not running smoothly.

Smoothly - Denotes theprogram is not running choppy

"I used a very obscure and advanced technique to fix the problem." - I have no idea what I did.

"I know how to do that." - Phrase used by people who once read half an article on the subject and think they remember the "jist" of it.

"As long as you have it you'll be fine." - You don't have it.

"It worked on my machine." - The person saying this made a mistake and is now pinning it on you or your machine. The only thing to do in this situation is to chase him down and hit him over the head with your hard drive, unless it still works. You should then substitute whatever doesn’t work anymore.

"Don't worry, I can fix it."- Worry, it'll never work again.

"Oops."- You thought the last one was bad!

"Houston, we have a problem." - A funny saying a Comp Dude says to lighten things up before he tells you how much it will cost to fix the problem.

NASA spent less money building APOLLO 13 than it will cost to fix this.

"No problem." - Problem.

"We have a small problem." - We have a big problem.

"We have a big problem." - We have a major problem.

"We have a major problem." - We have a catastrophe.

"We have a catastrophe." - RUN! Call 911! Get out of the building!

"Maybe it's not too late," - It's too late.

"Let's watch Star Trek." - I CAN'T STAND THIS MACHINE!

"I didn't push anything." - I don't remember what I pushed.

"It just magically stopped working."- I broke it.

By Todd A Sullivan