TITLE: Another beginning WRITER: Xphila RATING: PG DISCLAIMER: None of the characters are mine bla bla bla but Much as I love him Chris is very nasty to hi creations so I have to let them work things out now and again... ARCHIVE: Sure KEYWORDS: MS Friendship/UST/ANGST FEEDBACK: Pretty please????? Notes: This came to me in the middle of the night and it was better in my head. ------------------------------ Another beginning Xphila ------------------------------- Mulder kicked the ground beneath his feet. Another row with Scully. They were never ending these days. As much as he'd like to blame it on her, he knew it was his fault. He kicked a stone into the distance, He had caused the problem with Diana and had never explained it. Never told Scully why he had trusted her. That was why he was here. He didn't have the guts to go and see Scully but every time he came here he felt near to her, he could remember the last time they were here. Last summer, when it had all looked like they could be happy. He sighed and sat next to someone on the bench. Then he realised who it was. "What are you doing here?" Mulder asked Scully, sitting by his side. "I was lonely." she replied simply. "Me too." he paused, "I miss you." "I'm still here, Mulder, there's nothing for you to miss." Scully said, even though she knew what he meant. "I miss us, Scully," knowing she would need him to explain what he meant, he continued. "Since a year ago we've gone back three. What happened last summer had been waiting to happen. We wanted it to, even. But now..." he looked at her. "What's happened to us, Scully? Where did we go wrong?" "We haven't...moved forward, we've retreated," she whispered. "We are not who we were a year ago." Mulder shook his head. "I miss you," he reiterated, "I miss us." "What do you miss?" Scully asked, needing to know. "Being able to make you laugh. Your smile, you never smile any more. I miss us flirting," he grinned at her, "I miss the way you used to look at me, and ...I hate seeing you cry." "I haven't cried in front of you for a year," she said indignantly, then dropped her voice, "Apart from Padgett." Mulder ignored the Padgett comment, "You're soul's crying." Scully smiled at him, "How very psychological," she said. "I'm a psychologist," Mulder smiled back. "No you're not. But you could be," Scully added. "We took three steps back because of one person, Scully." Mulder said, serious again, "You know who. And it scares me because I always thought we were stronger than anything." "We are," Scully looked at him, "Otherwise we wouldn't be here now." "Why are you here?" Mulder asked. "You already said that." She looked at her hands. "Mulder, Diana's hurt his a lot, you know that and you also know I hate her. I can't deny it, I can't stand that woman and I don't understand why you trust her. But I was thinking and I need to know, do you think I don't care?" She asked, not looking at him so he couldn't see the tears glistening in her eyes. "Don't care about what?" He asked puzzled at the turn in conversation. "About you, about the X Files, do you think The only thing I care about is my job and as long as I have it I'll be happy?" "No..." Mulder started to assure her but she interrupted him. "Maybe you should. That's all I've shown to you. After 6 years I still won't believe, I still won't go against what I can prove. I don't believe what you sat, I scorn your theories. why do you still care about me, Mulder?" "Scully, how can you say that? You've proved you care just by being here tonight. You prove it every day by staying with me. Scully, you deserve to have a brilliant career, you deserve to have a perfect, wonderful partner who treats you right all the time. The fact that you haven't left me to get that proves that you have to care. Why do you even think that?" Scully sighed, "Mulder, when she came into your life and everything went wrong with us, I....I looked back over the last six years and I can't believe you've put up with me this long. Don't I depress you? I hardly smile, I scorn your theories and...Mulder.." he looked at the tears in her eyes. "I give the impression I don't care. I don't believe. You must wonder after all I've seen why I still push for proof. Why I don't believe. But I do..." "What?" Mulder asked, still looking at her eyes, "What do you believe?" "That the truth is out there." she laughed at herself. "I believe that there is something out there and it's gonna take over the world." She looked up at him, smiling, "And I need to keep pushing for proof because without my science, I'd be useless to you." Mulder smiled back at her, "You won't change just because you believe. You'll still need proof, you'll still need the confirmation of possibility, that won't change, you're still more valuable to me than you'll ever know. For you to think that you could ever be useless is...I don't know...unbelieveable. I need you, Scully, whether you believe or not. Whether you ridicule my theories or just pretend to," he grinned but then looked serious again, "We really are in a bad way, aren't we?" Scully just nodded. "You know why?" Mulder nodded, sadly, "Diana." Scully closed her eyes. "You know, I have never cried over another woman. But I've cried over her." "I know, Scully, I don't know what to say, what to tell you about her." "Tell me why you trust her," she paused but added before he could reply, "Do you love her?" "Scully, I really don't know what to say. You ask me if I trust her when you know I have in the past. I've trusted her on a lot of things recently, and I haven't trusted you. That's really hard for me to say but I know it's true." He looked up at the tears in Scully's eyes again, she put her hand over them and he realised she was crying. Instinctively he put his arm round her. She didn't shake it off. "Mulder, keep going." She whispered. Mulder didn't begin straight away, Scully knew without looking at him that he was trying to think of how to say what he had to without hurting her more. "Diana is a huge part of my past. She was...someone who I had known for a long time and had trusted for a long time. When she left I was heart-broken. But when she came back, it wasn't the same, I didn't feel the same way for her that I had seven years ago. Scully, I felt I had to trust her because of our history.." "What about our history? I had proof that she could be connected to who we're fighting but you didn't even look at it." "I know and I know it hardly helps but I am sorry. Sorrier that I could ever tell you. Because I may not have acted like it at the time but I did trust you. I've checked up on Diana and I found that what you said could be right. I didn't want to believe it and I still feel like she could never do it but..." He put his face in his hands, releasing Scully. "I used to be in love with her and the thought that someone who I had cared about so much could want to destroy me made me not listen to you. I'm not in love with her anymore but...I do still love her." Scully pressed her forehead on his shoulder. "I'm sorry." "I don't want her in my life, Scully, before her, you and I...we has something incredible going and we still have something, something stronger than anyone but she's weakened it and I hate her for it....Look," Mulder held his hand out and Scully watched it shake, she lifted hers and it did the same, she placed her hand on his, steadying both their arms. "I'm scared of you." Mulder stated. "No you're not," Scully denied and let their hands drop to the bench between them. "You're scared of what I'll do." Mulder nodded. "I'm scared you'll let me go," he looked at her, "I need you Scully, the only reassurance I can give to you about Diana is she is not you, what I feel for her doesn't even come close to what I feel for you. You were in love with Jack Willis, weren't you?" he looked at her and she nodded, "You still love him, even though you aren't in love with him. Even now he's dead, you still love him. Am I right?" Scully nodded, "That's how I feel about Diana. Except I have to consider another thing. She's betrayed my trust. She doesn't feel the way I feel about her." "What are you going to do?" "Try and keep her out of my...out of our lives." "How?" "I'll think of something." They sat in silence for a while. "Scully, you know you asked me if I thought you cared, why did you think that?" "Mulder, I've changed so much since we met. I'm hardly the same person and the only times I can remember that I have ever taken a stand against something is when my job was no the line." She felt tears coming to her eyes again. "I'm weaker than I used to be." Mulder put his arms round her and pulled her to him. "You're still just as strong Scully, you just don't mind showing me your feelings so much." "Are we going to be OK?" Scully asked quietly. "Eventually." He closed his eyes against her hair. A few minutes later he pulled away. "Scully, I don't want to do this." He looked like he was about to cry, or was trying very hard not to, "We're going to have to face her, I'm going to have to find out how much she's lied to us, we're going to argue, it's going to hurt and there are no guarantees, Scully, how can I do that? How can I put you through that? I don't want to do it Scully." He paused, "Run away with me. Run away with me to Australia, or Europe or Canada." he smiled, "We could leave everything behind." Scully smiled back at him, "We could go to London, I could be a doctor and you could be a psychologist and we could live happily ever after." "Why London?" Mulder asked, Scully shrugged, "I like it there, we wouldn't have to learn a new language." "When do we leave?" Mulder smiled again but his countenance cracked. "We can't." He sighed. Scully took his hand again. "We can get through this. We've come this far, it doesn't have to be that hard. Just remember I would never ever lie to you so trust me...and remember what she did." Mulder smiled at her. "Keep her out of our lives. Spend more time together. Work on trust. Admit how we feel." Mulder stated. "We can do that...can't we?" "Some day," Scully smiled, she stood and Mulder took her hand. "We'll be fine." She squeezed his hand reassuringly. "So how much time is more time?" She asked as they walked. "Forever." Mulder whispered. Scully smiled. "Where are we going?" Mulder shook his head. "I don't know. I don't really care." Scully leaned against him. "Well, with any luck we'll get lost and wake up to find ourselves away from all this." Scully said, Mulder smiled at her. "You want to go to dinner." Scully looked up at him, "Sure," she smiled, "I'd love to." "You know why else I can prove you care about me." "How?" "You were jealous." He grinned and she punched his arm teasingly. "You didn't exactly put my mind to rest." Mulder let go of her hand to pull her closer to him. "I know. We'll be OK now," he tightened his grip on her, "I promise." "No more running off with her?" "I promise." "No more believing her over me?" "I promise." Mulder repeated. Scully smiled, "Sorry, Thank-you." "For what?" Mulder asked, genuinely surprised. "For talking to me, few men would have done." "I owe you more that just talking," Mulder replied. "Then you can pay for dinner." Scully grinned. "Of course." Mulder and Scully walked off into the night. A billow of white smoke flowed from next to a tree. The Cigarette smoking man stared after them. They were obviously stronger than he's thought. Diana wasn't going to be any help. But she knew too much. He'd have to deal with that problem. Whatever he decided, Diana didn't have long to live. She had failed to break them up. Damn it. FINI ------------------------------- Feedback PLEASE xphila@yahoo.com