TITLE: Jealousy is fear

WRITER: Xphila

E-MAIL: xphila@yahoo.com

FEEDBACK: Submit or Serve (PLEASE???) Xphila@yahoo.com

DICLAIMER: The wondrous Mulder and Scully and (not so wondrous) Diana
Fowley belong to Chris Carter, 1013 productions, 20th Century fox and 
whoever else I'm offending. No infringement intended, I'm just borrowing 
them to put a little pleasure into their lives.....

SPOILERS: Fight the Future

RATING:PG

KEYWORDS:ANGST MSR

WARNINGS: DIEana FOWLey

WRITER's NOTES: I think my Psyche hates me. It refuses to let me sleep and
the only time I can write is in the early hours of the morning. Which is
my excuse for the spelling/grammar mistakes ;)


Jealousy is Fear

Xphila

----------------------------------------------


Where the hell is he? Scully asked herself for the a hundredth time. Why
wasn't he home? Why wasn't he answering his cell phone?

She let herself into Mulder's apartment again. Surveying the disarray
of organised chaos around the room, she dully noted for the second time 
that day that he wasn't there.

Scully was worried now. OK, it was Saturday and she probably wouldn't
have even noticed her wasn't around unless she had called him that morning. 
But where was he? What if he'd gone off on another of his spur of the moment
chases into the unknown? What if somewhere there was a note which she wasn't 
supposed to find until he was well and truly unreachable? What if right 
now he had run straight into danger. And she wasn't there. A pang of guilt
ran through her. What if he was hurt?

She mentally chided herself for her feelings of guilt. It wasn't her fault 
Mulder didn't trust her enough to let her help him. But that wasn't it 
though. She new that whenever he ran into something dangerous he left her 
behind because he was scared of her getting hurt. He didn't care that 
sometimes the worst torture was not being able to reach him.

She took another look around the room. The computer was off. She wondered
if it was worth seeing if he had left anything for her on it but decided he 
wouldn't have done the same trick twice. 

He could have just gone out, she reasoned. She could just be agonising over
Mulder decided to pay the Lone Gun Men a visit. She sighed and walked to
the door. Taking a third look round she left, closing the door behind her.

'The Cellular customer you are trying to reach is currently unavailable. 
Please try....' Scully hit the END button hard and sighed. That was
unlike Mulder, the joke she'd made about schizophrenic catatonia was
true in a way. 

She had reached her car and sat in the driver's seat, her hands on the wheel.
She looked at her watch. It was nearing 5 o clock. She'd been trying to 
find Mulder all day. She called his cell phone again, receiving the same
message as all the other times. 

She'd give him an hour, he decided. If he hadn't turned up in that time she'd
try his phone again. If he didn't answer she'd have to resort to the
Lone Gun Men. She sent out another plea to Mulder to come home before
settling herself to a wait, she was sure would prove fruitless.

One hour and twelve calls to Mulder's phone later, Scully was ready to
do anything for some contact with him. She checked her watch as the second
hand moved round until it was exactly six o clock. She took a deep breath
and started the ignition and the car roared into life.

"Jerk," she hissed at the driver who swung into the parking space, inches
from her own car. She looked up quickly, recognising the car. Then the
driver. Instantly she stopped that car, getting out at almost the same
time and rushing to greet her partner.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asked, angry even in her relief.

"I....Scully, what are you doing here?" he asked, untactfuly avoiding the
question.

"Worried about you, where have you been all day, I've been trying to get
hold of you since nine this morning."

"Why?" Mulder asked, locking the car.

"Mulder!" she shouted in exasperation following Mulder as he walked to 
his apartment complex.

"Yeah?" he said, not concentrating on what she was saying. Scully stopped
walking. 

"Fine," she yelled so he could her here. She turned and started to descend the
steps.

"Scully, wait!" came the inevitable. Mulder followed her to the car-park. 
"What's the matter?"

"Mulder, I've been looking for you all day, where have you been? Why was your
phone turned off? And what's the matter now? What's happened?"

Mulder reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, carefully pressing
the ON button.

"Oh, it matter's now," Scully muttered sarcastically. "Mulder, where have you
been?" she asked, not really caring now but wanting to know anyway.

"I was...mmmm..." he trailed off and she was unable to hear him. She leaned
closer.

"What?" she asked loudly.

"I was at Diana Fowley's," Mulder repeated clearly. Scully felt her guts
turning to jelly and she felt physically sick. He was with Diana Fowley. 
All day. And maybe even all night. Her heart started to beat faster and 
it was all she could do not to cry.

"Why," she asked quietly, thanking her voice for working but cursing it 
for sounding to hurt.

"I um....I needed to see her. She said she had something to show me,"
his voice was low, like a child who was trying to explain why he painted
the walls purple.

"Oh," Scully muttered.

"Scully..."

"Mmm," she replied, finally looking at him, shocking him with the pain 
evident in her eyes.

"I'm sorry...I made you worry."

"S'ok, um, as long as you're alright." She turned as if to leave.

"Stay," Mulder said, taking her by surprise.

Scully turned and looked him in the eyes. "I don't think you really want
me to." Scully said, there was no accusation in her voice, just resignation.

"Scully..." he paused and drew breath, "I...I don't know what you have 
against Diana but..." he sighed, "I don't want it to..." he looked at her,
unsure of what to say.

"To what, Mulder?"

Mulder shook his head. "It doesn't matter." Scully didn't press him. Instead
she just stared at him intensely.

"Can I ask you something?" Mulder didn't move and she took that as acquiescence.
"Why do you trust her?"

Mulder looked at her and thought about her question. He looked at the
floor. "She loved me."

Scully swallowed and blinked back tears, half wondering why she had less
self-control that she used to. A year ago she would never have cried in
front of Mulder. Unless there was a good reason. Fowley didn't constitute
a good reason. She wasn't worth it. 

Scully realised her partner was waiting for some kind of reply.

"Loved or loves?" she whispered.

Mulder shook his head. "Past. But She might still love me."

Scully nodded. "She doesn't. She never did." She turned and pulled open the
door of her car. "Otherwise she wouldn't have left you."

Mulder was angry, she could tell, but he had to hear this from someone. To
her surprise his voice was calm, curious even.

"How do you know?" She started her car, ready to be able to get away as 
soon as what she'd said what she wanted to.

"I'd never leave you," she said, loud enough to be certain that he had heard
her. Then she closed the car door and drove away. She figured that if Mulder
didn't get what she had meant then he wasn't as smart as everyone thought.
She finally let the tears glazing her eyes fall to enable her to she.

Scully frowned at herself. Why was she crying? Why did she cry so
easily whenever Diana came into a conversation between her and Mulder? Why
was she jealous? Why? Because she loved him.


END OF PART 1


PART 2

Mulder stared at Scully's car as she steamed out of the parking lot. His 
mouth slightly open, shocked by what Scully had said.

She loved him.

He didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Before today he would have been sure. He would have told her loved her. He
would call her right now. But today had happened and now he wasn't sure.

The problem was Diana. He'd spent the majority of the day with her and they
had talked. And it felt like the old times. He was sure he was still in love
with her. Throughout the whole time he had barely given Scully a though.

By this time Mulder was walking to his apartment complex.

He hadn't thought of her. Every day since they met his head had been full of
her. She was all he thought about. Up until Diana had come back he thought 
he was in love with her. Now he wasn't so sure. He and Diana went back a long
way. They had a lot in common. He and Scully were at each other's throats
a lot of the time.

Mulder frowned and concentrated on fitting his key into the door. 
He opened it, discarded his coat on the floor and sank into the familiar
security of his couch.

Scully. Diana. He didn't have the right to choose. He had loved Diana more
than she had ever know. Yet she left him. What had Scully said? 'I'd
never leave you'. He had been in love with Scully for six years. He took
a deep breath. Everything was blurred, since seeing Scully he couldn't
remember how he's felt when he was with Diana.  Scully had erased those 
feelings in an argument for crying out loud. 

He loved Scully.

He loved Diana. 

But now he wasn't so sure, replaying the day in his mind, they talked about
the past. It had been. Gone. They couldn't talk about it forever. He didn't
joke with Diana. Scully may not smile at his jokes but she got them.

He stood up, deciding on what he had to do.

He had to go and see Diana. He'd decide how he felt when he got there. He
was having trouble thinking of Diana, pictures of Scully were invading his
memory. Diana had told him as he left to think about it. To think about
them. To tell her if there was a chance of them getting back together.

Mulder didn't know, but the way Scully was playing on his mind he doubted
that his feelings for Diana could make him hurt her. 

He'd go to Diana's. He'd look at her. He'd make up his mind. He sighed, aware
that his mind was practically made up already. He remember how Scully had
looked. She had been terrified something had happened to him and when
he told her where he had been he was scared she would cry. But she didn't. 
That wasn't her. Diana might have done.

Maybe it wasn't worth going to Diana. Maybe he should go straight to Scully
and tell her he loved her. No, he had to give Diana a chance, this decision
was going to affect the rest of his life, he had to follow his heart.

Right now his heart was aching for Scully.

END OF PART 2

PART 3

Diana was surprised to see him, she didn't ask him why he was there but
opened her door, hoping that he was going to come back to her. At least that
would put Scully out of the picture and make her job a little easier.

Mulder stared at her, neither of them had spoken yet. Mulder shook his head
slightly, he didn't feel it. He didn't feel anything. There was no tension
between them, there was nothing to act on and for the first time he was
noticing how much she'd aged. She was older that him by six years he 
remembered. 

He shook his head obviously. "Diana, I don't think...."

"No?" Diana asked. She looked upset, and angry. "Why?" she spat, "I still
love you, Fox!"

"I'm sorry, It wouldn't be fair on either of us."

"But today I thought..."

"So did I, but I was kidding myself," he dropped his voice, he was feeling
terrible for having to let her down, "It's not you. It's never been you."
That was the cruellest thing he'd ever said to anybody, but she needed to 
know, she needed to know there was no hope.

Tears were falling from her eyes now and Mulder realised how unlike Scully
she was. She opened her mouth, "Then who is?" she asked.

Mulder shook his head, he wasn't going to bring Scully into this. He moved to
the door.

"I'm sorry, Diana, I can't."

"Fox. Did you ever love me?"

Mulder nodded. "Yes."

He left. He realised there were tears in his eyes. Had he just made the 
biggest mistake in his life? He smiled a little. He hadn't. Scully wasn't a 
mistake. When he really though about it, Diana didn't make him happy. Scully
did. He hoped he hadn't left it too late. He hoped Scully forgave him.

He reached his car and was on his way to Scully when he realised that 
whether Scully accepted him or not, leaving Diana was something he'd
needed to clarify for a long time. He really didn't love her.

But he needed Scully to forgive him for another reason. One that wasn't
connected with Diana in any way. He needed everything to be OK between them
because he couldn't live without her. He was in love. And he was one hundred
per cent certain.

END OF PART 3

By the time Mulder reached Scully's house he was angry at himself for even
thinking that there had been a choice to make. If Scully knew how he'd
been feeling an hour ago there would be no way she would forgive him. She
could never be sure if he loved her completely. He was glad he was sure.

He leaned on the wall next to Scully's apartment door. He had been there for 
at least ten minutes and still couldn't get up the courage to know.

What if she hated him?

What if he had misinterpreted what she had said?

What if she didn't believe him?

What if she didn't even listen?

He took a deep breath. Time for the truth.

Scully opened the door. Once again Mulder cursed himself for his indecision.
She rose her eyebrows. She looked tired. Completely drained. And thoroughly
beautiful.

"What's up?" She asked, trying to sound like today had never happened. Failing
miserably.

"Hear me out?" Mulder asked quietly, he looked her over, she was wearing a
sweater he was sure he recognised but didn't want to get his hopes up. It
could have been her brothers. She stared at him then condescended to open
the door.

"What did you mean by 'you'd never leave me'?" he asked, as he walked in.

"Exactly that."

"That you'd never leave me?"

"Yes."

"Nothing else?"

"What do you think?" She looked at him, expecting an answer. 

"You love me." He replied boldly, surprised at his own guts.

Scully smiled a sad smile.

"Well, you're obviously as smart as I give you credit for. It doesn't
help though does it?"

"What do you mean?"

"You love her. And I love you. Typical love triangle. Well, Mulder, I don't
need my life complicating any more than it is right now so if you want
Diana, that's fine by me."

She hadn't been looking at him and his next response to her by surprise.

"I don't."

She looked up at him and met his gaze.

"I don't love Diana, Scully."

"No, you do," she stressed, "Maybe you don't know you do but it's her."

"Scully, why are you doing this to yourself? Did you never know how I felt.
Have you never realised it's always been you?" He shook his head, "I don't
understand. Why don't you believe me?"

"OK, Mulder, why do you love me? Why are you sure it's me and not her?"

"I went to see her." he replied simply.

"Yes I know, you antagonised me all day because of that."

"No, I went back.."

"What?" Scully interrupted, "For Christ's sake Mulder? You couldn't even
come here first and apologise for scaring the shit out of me? You had to 
go see your precious Diana first, I can't do this Mulder. Get out of my
apartment." she said, her voice rising steadily. "Now." She stood and
stared at him.

"I'm not leaving."

"Mulder, I mean it?"

"You mean it? Like what? Like you mean you love me? You say you love me and
yet you won't listen! You won't let me let you why I went to Diana's. You
won't let me tell you why I was there today. PLEASE Scully, let me explain."

Scully crumbled under his stare and sat back down. "Fine," she sighed, 
"Explain."

"She called me and told me she wanted to talk to me. I did. I went to her
apartment and we talked..."

"All day?"

"Scully, nothing happened. We talked about the past. And it was nice."

"I don't need to hear this Mulder, it's not helping."

"Listen!" Mulder pleaded, "When I left she told me to think about us and
asked if there was still a chance for us to get back together. I said
I'd think about it. Then when I got home I saw you and I knew there was
no way I could love her if I felt the way I did about you. Then you said..
what you said and I realised that you loved me too." He looked at Scully, 
it was only a white lie, what he'd just said, he had realised he loved her
more....just  not straight away.

"Then why didn't you come to me?" Scully asked, her face had softened and
she looked more hopeful.

"I need to make sure she was behind me. I went back to tell her there was
no way, there was no possibility for us. We were the past. I can't live
in the past anymore Scully. I need a future. And I need you in it."

"How do I know? Mulder, how do I know that you're sure, how do I know that
whenever she comes back you're not just going to run to her, believe whatever
she says even when it's plain she's lying. Who do I know you're over her?"

"You have to believe me. You have to trust me."

"It's hard to do that when you still trust her, despite all the evidence
against her. Despite all of what I've already proved. I've never felt like
this about anyone and I've never been so jealous of anyone in my life. And I
hate it."

"Why are you jealous of her?"

Scully thought for a second. "I'm scared of losing you to her."

"Scully, do you remember when I told you that you were the only one I trusted?"

"Yes."

"I meant it then and I still mean it now. I just....we were close for a long
time and it astounded me that she could betray me so I refused to believe 
it."

"So do you believe me?"

"That she's against us?"

Scully nodded.

"I don't know. I really don't."

"Mulder, will you do something for me?"

"Anything." Mulder answered without hesitation.

"Will you at least look at the evidence without dismissing it outright?"

Mulder nodded. "I'll look at it, I'll find out what I can about her."

"Will you do something else for me?"

Mulder nodded again.

"Tell me you love me."

Mulder smiled, "Scully I love you."

Scully couldn't help but smile back.

"It'll be OK won't it?" she asked, needing for Mulder to be the strong one
now, needed him to reassure her.

"Everything'll be OK now," he assured her.

Scully smiled again, "I love you, too."

Mulder stood and crossed the room. She stood to accept his embrace. Mulder
sighed a sigh of relief and content.

"Mulder..." Scully asked awkwardly

"Mmm?"

"Are you ever going kiss me?"

Mulder pulled away from her and grinned, "Just waiting for you to ask."

Scully's response was cut off as Mulder did as he was asked.

However hard Diana tried, she wasn't Scully. She could never be Scully.

FINI
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