The End of a Love Affair

Author: Kabbie

Summary: After Mulder's return, Scully's eyes are opened.

Timeline: S8; after Three Words

Rating: R

Disclaimer: Not mine. Damn.

 

 

I guess I've had just about enough of him. I've been sitting here thinking about things as they used to be and as they are now and it has occurred to me that I'm seeing things a lot clearly now. Maybe it's because I'm seven months pregnant and incapable of bullshit. Be that as it may, I've simply had enough. Yes, I was glad to see him back from the dead as it were, glad that he was alive after all. And I will never deny the bond we had with each other, nor the friendship we'd built. I am not that kind of woman.

However, his nonchalance at my pregnant state was the last straw. His words cut me to the quick. Oh, I know he was happy for me but he could have shown it. After all, there is a strong possibility that my child is his, even in spite of the failed in-vitro attempt.

He just looked at me and tossed off those congratulatory words as though he was reading one of the reports we have to submit to Kersh. I felt violated in the worst way. How could he be so blasé about the most important thing in my life? I think that was the beginning. I have my child to think about now. I will not allow my job to consume me like it used to. I will have a life. Seven years and after everything that's happened, I don't think that's too much to want. A semblance of normalcy for my baby and me. That's all I'm asking for.

I guess my betrayed feelings were what got me to looking in another direction. Even though I didn't express it, Mulder's words cut me to the quick. Don't get me wrong, I'm still his friend and will help him in any way I can, but it will never again be the way it used to be. Not any more. I didn't even bother discussing it with him; he'll figure it out soon enough.

In the solace of my apartment, I took the time to really think about things. By the grace of God or some other being, I have been given a second chance. My precious miracle deserves everything I could ever give him or her. I was going to start prioritizing and I figured the best thing for me to do in that aspect was ask for reassignment. I could always go back to Quantico as a instructor. I did enjoy using my medical expertise in that arena and of course, I could always be counted on for autopsies. I would miss working with Mulder, but I would get over it. The more I thought about this course of action, the more sense it made.

I spent the weekend finalizing a few things in order to clear the way for my reassignment. Then I did something previously unheard of…I actually sat on my couch and lost myself in TV watching. There were some good movies on and even though it hadn't been my intention, I found myself caught up in the comfort of the television. I was doing this when my doorbell rang. I hadn't expected anybody to come by; Mulder was still reeling from the botched raid at the census bureau and he was off doing God knows what about it. I didn't want to get in it any more than I was.

When I made it to the door, my new partner was standing there. I guess my shock was evident. I have not given this man any major reason to like me, but he seemed to in spite of my behavior towards him.

"Agent Scully?"

"Agent Doggett…" I was looking at him as if he had grown another head. I really was surprised to see him standing at my door. Casually dressed, no less, in jeans and a heavy blue sweater that set off his eyes.

"I guess you're wonderin' what I'm doin' here?"

"You think?" I said, a smile creasing my face. This was odd, but not entirely unpleasant. I moved my ample bulk to bid him entrance. He came in.

"I just was wonderin' how you're doin' after all that went down with Mulder and that thing at the census bureau. You weren't lookin' so hot."

This, of course, is just like Agent Doggett to be concerned about me. He's so chivalrous it's actually cute.

"I'm fine, Agent Doggett." Then I went back to my couch. "Care to sit down? I was in the middle of Saturday television."

His expression was mild surprise. I'm sure he wasn't expecting me to be courteous, but what the hell. I could do with some company. Besides, my feet were swollen.

"What are you watchin'?"

"Well, there's a Schwarzenegger marathon on and I confess, I'm a fan of Arnold." I blushed and he smiled.

"Understandably, Agent Scully. I'm a fan myself. What's your favorite Arnold movie?" He settled on the end of the couch, mindful of my elevated feet.

"True Lies. I admit, that scene where Jamie Lee Curtis is dancing for him and falls flat on her face kills me every time. It just went off and 'Predator' is coming on next."

"Predator? Really? That's my favorite Arnold movie."

"Well, you're in luck, Agent Doggett. It's next."

"How is Agent Mulder, Agent Scully?"

"Mulder is Mulder," I said, and I guess he noticed the tone at my use of Mulder's name. "Call me Dana, Agent Doggett."

I guess I deserved the look of shock that crossed his face. "It's Saturday and I'm at home…call me Dana."

"Dana," he said. "John."

"John," I acknowledged.

"You okay?" I knew what he was asking me. "If you mean about Mulder, yes. I'm glad he's back…and his normal self I might add."

"But?"

I'd forgotten how astute this man was.

"But…I have to start thinking about me and my baby now. I just can't see being into the X-Files the way I used to be before…before his disappearance. Not with a child coming."

"Of course not, Agent-Dana. Who expects you to be?"

I sighed. "Mulder. He's going to be disappointed with what I'm going to tell him Monday."

"And that is?"

"Reassignment, Agent-John. I want to be transferred back to Quantico as an instructor. I'd keep normal hours, do something I like, and most importantly, be able to be a mother to my child."

He closed his eyes…piercing, silver-blue eyes…and ran a hand through his dark blonde hair. "Hmmm." "You and he can do it," I said, knowing that Fox Mulder and John Doggett would get along like cockroaches and Raid. He seemed to share the same sentiment and let out a bark of laughter.

"Yeah, right. Even though Kersh has me in charge of the X-Files, do you actually think Mulder's goin' to let that stop him? Or lettin' you leave?"

"He has no choice. For me now, there are bigger things at stake than his quest for truth. I've lost enough to the files already. I am not going to lose my last chance at motherhood."

He seemed thoughtful and eyeballed my swollen feet. Absently, he ran one hand over my foot and gave it a mild squeeze. "That is quite reasonable, Dana. Do you mind if I ask you somethin' personal?"

I knew what he was going to ask me. "There's gossip goin' around…you know, but I never put any weight in hearsay. Is Agent Mulder the father of your child?"

I wasn't sure what to tell him. That Mulder had donated sperm and the in-vitro failed yet I still managed to get pregnant? This man would never believe that. But I couldn't lie to him. Not now.

"I asked Mulder to donate to my cause," I said, "but the procedure failed. Some time later, I found out that I was pregnant."

"So he is?"

I didn't answer him. Those eyes, those silver-blue irises, bored into me.

"I don't follow, Dana. Are you sayin' the in-vitro failed but you still got pregnant?"

"Yes."

"Then the doctors were mistaken. Apparently the in-vitro worked and quite well from the looks of you." He smiled.

I smiled back, deciding not to press the situation. I was enjoying his company. "Apparently. However, Mulder has opted to treat this event as if it doesn't matter to him at all."

You would have thought I sucker-punched John Doggett from his expression. "What?"

"He was rather nonchalant at seeing my pregnant state. I admit, it hurt me that he could be so nonplussed about something that means so much to me."

He murmured under his breath. It sounded like he swore, but I couldn't be sure. "I'm sorry about that, Dana. Perhaps it is best that you are reassigned." He went still for a moment, squeezing my foot again. I liked the sensation. "I'll miss you, though."

I looked him dead in the face. I didn't hear the man right, I'm sure.

"John?"

"I'll miss workin' with you. You're an all right partner, better than most I've had."

Was he blushing? Of course not. This is Agent Doggett sitting in front of me, a man not prone to such infantilism. But yet his words echoed in my head.

"I'll be around…just not in that damned basement. Enjoy, you're welcome to it!"

His hand remained on my foot, idly stroking it. It was feeling good and I just plunked both feet into his lap and gave him a mischievous look. "As long as you're doing this, John…do it right."

He smiled at me and began a thorough massage of my swollen feet. It was nice. Predator came on and it was quite amusing to see him quoting lines from the movie.

I was very comfortable sitting with him watching television, very relaxed. I was more at ease with this man now than I'd ever been, in spite of his chivalrous nature towards me.

After two trips to the bathroom, I felt my stomach growl. My baby was hungry. I looked at John, who was engrossed in the confrontation between Arnold and the Predator.

"You hungry?" He looked at me. "Yeah. What do you want, Dana?"

"I think we want pizza," I said, moving my hand over my belly.

"Good. Sit there, I'll make the call. What do you want on yours?"

A thick slab of hot pizza was the only thought I could summon. "Uh, pepperoni, ham, black olives, extra cheese."

He smiled. "Good. I imagine you can eat a whole one?" There was a twinkle in his eye. I threw one of my couch pillows at him, rubbed my belly and reconsidered. "Yeah, come to think of it."

He got up and made the call, adding on breadsticks and a two-liter soda. I looked at him. "Hungry yourself, John?" "Quite, now that you thought up pizza. Look, here comes the best part…"

After devouring the good, hot pizza, we were more relaxed. 'Total Recall' was on and we were both into the movie like neither of us had seen it before. We'd just gotten to the scene where Quaid and Melina and Benny the cab driver were being chased into the mutants club and hell breaks out when I felt my baby kick.

"Ooh!"

Immediately he looked at me. "You okay?"

I put my hand on my belly. The baby kicked again. I could not stop the smile from spreading over my face. "The baby kicked," I said.

He smiled at me. I reached for his hand and placed it over the spot. Right on time came another kick and we both grinned like kids.

"He's strong," John said, awe plain on his face. I nodded. "If it is a 'he.' I've decided that I don't want to know."

His hand remained on my belly, waiting to feel another kick. When it did, he grinned again. "Active. I like that. Are you okay?"

"Yes. I'm just so happy…here is indisputable proof that my baby is alive!"

"Did you think it wouldn't be?"

"I honestly can't say, John…with all that's happened."

He gave me an unreadable look and moved his hand. "I hope that you take care of yourself, Agent Scully-Dana. I'd hate for anythin' to happen to you."

Did I detect something faint in his voice? Or was it the fact that I genuinely found myself liking this man. He was so straightforward and honest, as different from Mulder as air is from earth. Whatever it was, I found myself replying, "I will…I won't be so far away."

What was happening to me?

 

 

When the movie ended, John rose, dusting off his jeans. I stared at his frame, not for the first time, but noticing it like it was. He was lean and chiseled, not lanky like Mulder, but refined.

"Dana, I have to go. Thanks for invitin' me to stay. I had a real good time."

I tried to get up and he had to help me. I walked him to the door. "Glad you came by, John. We'll have to do this again sometime." That last rolled off my tongue so easily I didn't realize I'd said it until he looked at me. And then I found myself caught in his silver-blue gaze and decided I meant it.

After a moment, he smiled. "I'd like that." He then turned and left. I locked my door and had to sit down. Just like that I'd gotten weak in the knees. This was an uncharacteristic ripple for me. But an interesting one all the same.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I met with A.D. Kersh Monday morning and explained my reasons for wanting to transfer. He looked at me strangely and after my explanation, he nodded and agreed. After my maternity leave ended, I would report to Quantico as a forensics instructor. I felt as though a great weight was lifted off me. I then went down to my office in the basement, wondering if Mulder was there and if so, how he was going to take my news.

When I waddled in, John Doggett was in there, sitting at his desk, reading a file.

"Good morning Agent Scully," he said, his eyes meeting mine. "Agent Doggett," I replied, smiling at him as I remembered his expression after feeling the baby kick.

"Is Mulder here?"

"In and out. Said he was goin' to meet the Gunmen; you'd know. But he said he'd see you later."

"I put in for my transfer," I said. He looked at me.

"Good. Good for you."

"Mulder won't be too happy about it."

"But do you care?"

After a long moment, I said. "Not anymore."

"Then I wouldn't worry about it. He only seems to want to endanger you while on his quest for truth." I felt the need to defend. "No, he'd never intentionally allow me to be hurt, but…" My words died as I looked at John. His silver-blue eyes undoubtedly had the power of a choke hold. My stomach fluttered.

"He hurt you with his nonchalance."

I looked at him and then looked away. "I hoped he didn't mean it but…"

"Scully-Dana, you don't have to explain yourself to me. I just want you to see that some of us would rather you be somewhere else where you aren't in any real danger."

I nodded, not wanting to put him on the spot by asking who he meant by 'us.'

"I know, John. I know."

I sat down and became so engrossed in my work and John and I did so in companionable silence that when Mulder came in, I didn't notice.

"That's my seat," he said, looking at John. I looked up and sighed.

"No," he motioned in my direction, "Agent Scully is sitting in your seat. This is my desk."

Mulder looked at me and I wondered if he was actually going to ask me to get up. Apparently, John thought the same thing and got up out of his chair. "No way you're goin' to ask her to get out of her seat so you can sit down. Take mine. Agent Scully, I'm goin' to lunch across the street." There was a flash of anger in his eyes as he rose and put on his jacket. Mulder looked at John, wordless…yes, unbelievable, I know…as he walked out. I looked at Mulder and voiced my thoughts. "Were you going to ask me to get out of your seat, Mulder?"

"Uh," His eyes had a territorial glint and his hesitation alone made me angry. It's as though, since he returned, he was even more dedicated in his search for God knows what, even at my expense. Even though John was now running the X-Files, that hadn't stopped Mulder. I got mad.

"You would have, wouldn't you? Don't bother answering, all right? Mulder, I never thought I'd ever say this, but you really are making me sick!" I rose out of my seat and grabbed my coat. "Makes me glad I did ask Kersh for reassignment!" Let him chew on that for a while. "I'm off to lunch!" I waddled out of the office as fast as my swollen feet could carry me. I was furious.

"Scully!" he called but I slammed the door. Let's see if he meant it.

While I waited for the elevator, I listened carefully to see if he'd chosen to follow me and he hadn't. Well, that certainly decided things for me. I was so mad at him that I started to cry. As much as I love Mulder, I never thought he'd treat me like this. Boy, was that the end of our affair, as platonic as it was. I was furious as I stomped into the elevator.

I ended up eating lunch across the street. Did I gravitate there because John Doggett said that was where he'd be? Who knows? Either way, I ended up eating lunch with him and he took one look at my red face and handed me his handkerchief. I pressed the rag to my face and allowed myself to cry. I was really hurt by Mulder's actions. I guess a lot of it could be due to my overactive hormones, but truth be told, I was hurt.

When I calmed myself, I looked at John and saw that he was angry.

"Dana, are you okay?"

"I will be."

"Did he say anythin' to you?"

"He didn't have to. It was written all over his face."

He touched my hand. "You don't need this now."

"Tell me about it."

"Come on, I'll buy you lunch. What do you want?"

"Whatever you're having." I had to calm myself down.

I guess it's just like that sometimes. I suppose I would forgive Mulder if and when it came down to it, but he had to be sincere in his apology. This was the second time he'd hurt my feelings.

"You want some time alone?"

"No. I'm okay. What are you eating?"

"Chicken fried chicken with gravy, green beans and mashed potatoes."

I looked at him, suddenly starving. As if to emphasize, the baby kicked. "Yes, give me that, please. And extra rolls and iced tea."

He smiled at me again and placed my order. I closed my eyes a moment to move the incident with Mulder to the back of my mind. I was going to enjoy my lunch with Agent Doggett and that was all. When my eyes opened, he was staring at me. I looked at him and he smiled sheepishly and looked away. I couldn't help but grin. He was busted. I was amused.

And then I found myself wondering about that, as we waited for the food and as we ate. Have I been completely unaware this whole time? Wrapped up in those bloody X-files and my quest to find Mulder? Have I missed something major? Whoa.

It became difficult to look at John while eating. The silence was companionable, as it had to be due to my hunger. I was wolfing everything on my plate, totally unembarrassed. Hell, I'm pregnant. I did notice, however, that John was sneaking looks at me between bites of his chicken. I guess I have. I couldn't help but smile. His concern for me made a lot more sense now.

"Scully?"

I looked up. Mulder was standing at our table. He looked worried.

John looked at him.

"Mulder," I say, glaring at him. "I'm eating. What do you want?"

He sat down, uninvited and I see John's jaw tense and realize he was going to let me handle this.

"Scully, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that. What is this you're saying about being reassigned?"

I calmly chew my food and swallow some tea before answering him. "You do not actually think I'm going to be totally absorbed in the X-files after my child is born, do you?"

"Scully, you can't leave me now! We've come through so much…you can't want to be reassigned."

"Maybe you didn't hear me, Mulder. I asked Kersh for reassignment, so obviously I want it. While my feelings for you personally have nothing to do with my request, the work itself does. I am not going to be all-encompassed with the X-files when my baby comes."

"But we've come so close to the truth! We're close now, especially with the census-"

"Mulder," I sighed, "we've been close hundreds of times and I've yet to taste that cigar. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of devoting my life to that quest and I will not do it anymore. I-we're-I'm having a child and that's where my energies will go."

"Scully, you can't leave me…you can't abandon me!"

He wasn't even getting it, it seemed. I groaned in frustration and then felt a warm hand on my knee. I looked at it and saw it belonged to John. When I looked at him, his eyes said it all. 'Calm down.'

"This isn't about you, Mulder. It's about me. Me and my baby. Don't you remember? I'm having a baby. A baby. Baby baby baby baby! It's all about my baby and me. Get over it. You and Agent Doggett will work well together."

Mulder's face creased and John actually coughed around his food. Mulder eyed him and then me. "I don't think so. I'm really disappointed in you, Scully."

I glared at him. "What? No you didn't, Fox! You're disappointed in me? For seven years we worked together in that damn basement office and you never saw fit to order me a desk, even after that incident with Ed Jerse and the tattoo!"

I could see John's eyebrows rise and realized that wouldn't be in the X-files because it wasn't an X-file. I'd have to tell him about that little incident one day.

"This is about a desk?" Mulder asked, his face incredulous.

I sighed. "I give up. You know what I'm talking about. You're just playing stupid and I don't have time for this!" I got up and felt John's hand on mine.

"Agent Scully…please sit down and finish your lunch. Agent Mulder," he began, glaring at Mulder, "I can't have you comin' here and deliberately upsettin' her. Either you shut up and join us for a nice quiet lunch or you can get out of here."

"Or what?" Mulder's tone was nasty and I cringed. From the looks of them both, I was sure that if it came down to it, John would probably beat the shit out of Mulder.

"There is no 'what.' You are not goin' to upset her anymore. Whatever you do, it won't be that." His voice was calm, controlled.

Mulder obviously had deduced the same thing I'd had earlier. His eyes took on a wary look and he got up and stalked out of the restaurant. I took several deep breaths and sipped some tea. "I don't get it. How can he be so obtuse?"

"He's used to you being a cushion for him, Dana," he said. "Security. And you're threatening it by leaving him. He trusts you. Apparently you and Skinner are the only two he does trust. I guess it is difficult for him to face the obvious. Mulder isn't stupid and he isn't blind. He's well aware of what your pregnancy means, never mind his part in it, and he can't accept it. And now that I'm in charge of the X-files, it's as though everything he has is being taken away."

I stared at John wordlessly.

"But you finish eating and process that later, okay Agent Scully?" His eyes pinned me to my seat and it was all I could do to comply. I'd never thought of Mulder's actions towards me as his refusal to accept things as they are now. I just thought he was being an asshole. John was right. I would have to process that later.

As for now, all I wanted to do was eat my food and process what I'd been thinking about before Mulder's interruption.

 

 

When I got home, I busied myself with baby catalogues. The empty room that was supposed to serve as my home office would have to be painted to match the furniture I'd chosen for the baby. I was deeply engrossed in deciding what theme to select when someone knocked on my door. When I finally answered it, Mulder was standing there, hands in pockets.

"Mulder?"

"Scully? Don't shut the door. I need to talk to you."

"Mulder, I don't feel like debating or arguing with you."

"I'm not here to do that, Scully. Let me come in. Please."

I moved and he came in. Seeing the litter of baby books, he looked at my protruding belly. I stared at him. "Yes?"

"Scully, I wish you'd reconsider."

"Mulder…"

"Please. I have no one else but you. The X-files aren't even technically mine anymore. I couldn't bear to lose you."

"Mulder, you'll never lose me. I just have to think of my child now. When I remember those scary instances that those cases put me-us in, I shudder to think about going through that when I have a child at home waiting for me. I won't do that to my baby, Mulder. Not for you, not for anyone."

He dropped his head.

"But you will never lose me, Mulder. We have too much between us. You are my best friend and I do love you, but this baby is everything to me. You should understand and respect that."

A moment of silence, then "I do understand what the baby means to you. I guess it's rather hard for me to accept it when you told me the in-vitro failed."

"That's what I was told, Mulder…but something worked." Was that why he was acting so pissy?

He grabbed my hands. "I'll leave you alone now, okay?" His green eyes looked woefully sad and my heart ached for him. "See you tomorrow, Scully."

I squeezed his hands. "Good night, Mulder."

He let go of my hands and left my apartment. I sat down on the couch, thinking hard. If he didn't think he fathered my child, then who did he think did? Did I even want to go there? No. Not tonight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Time passed. We get caught up in an X-File out west once again, this time in Nevada. Mulder's hunch is that there's something going on with the continued disappearance of a local sheriff. For once, however, Agent Doggett and I were on the same page. We thought that the man suffers from psychogenic fugue, since he claimed to remember nothing about his "disappearances" but the evidence John and I gathered illustrated differently. However, Mulder believed otherwise and we spent a tiresome four days in hot ass Nevada trying to discern otherwise. Kersh was madder than a wet hen when he got the reports over that little excursion. During the debriefing, I shifted a few times. My little one had been extraordinarily active as of late, probably because he or she was ready to get out.

John looked at me. "Are you okay, Agent Scully?"

Kersh and Mulder both looked at me. I glared back at them all. "I'm all right. Go on, sir."

Kersh continued to fly off about the expense reports. I sighed inwardly. I just didn't care about this anymore when suddenly I grabbed the sides of my chair as a contraction wrapped around my back.

"Scully," Mulder said, getting up.

"Dana," said John, doing likewise. Kersh rose.

"Agent Scully?"

"I'm all ri-" I started to say when another contraction rendered me silent and then I felt wetness escaping me and found I had voice.

"Oh no, my water just broke!"

"Oh shit," John was the first to act, coming over to help me up. Mulder, stunned into immobility, simply stared at me. Kersh picked up the phone and demanded an ambulance.

"She's in labor! Mulder, get your ass in gear and help me carry her outside!" John had taken control of the situation, but Mulder had not moved. I guess he wasn't used to this sort of thing.

John swore as he gathered me up, shouldering the weight and began carrying me out of Kersh's office. Another contraction seized me and it was all I could do to say, "I don't think I'll make it to the hospital…"

 

Well, somehow or another, John Doggett saw to it that I would deliver my child in the confines of a hospital and not Kersh's office. By the time he made to the lobby, the paramedics were already there, wheeling a gurney and met him by the elevators. And he actually got in the ambulance with me. I was touched by his gesture although I couldn't show it because the contractions were coming every few minutes and killing me each time. When we arrived, I was wheeled to maternity and not a moment too soon. The nurse kept telling me to bear down and breathe and all I could think about was why Mulder wasn't here to help me with this…the baby is…I think…his…and I really wanted him in there with me to see it born. In the fog of my mind, I simply added it to the list of Things That Mulder Has Done To Piss Me Off Since Returning.

"Dana?"

I looked up, my face red and sweaty, to see, tightly wrapped in surgical greens and a mask, two piercing silver-blue eyes and then I felt his hand take mine.

"Go on, Dana. Push."

Fuck it. He would do. I pushed. And pushed. And pushed. And breathed. And pushed. And pushed. Damn, it hurt! I thought I was being torn in half. "I can't do this," I wailed. The pain was too great. "Yes you can, Dana. Push! You're almost there. If it helps, why don't you cuss out somebody?"

Good idea. I am, after all, a sailor's daughter. I squeezed his hand hard enough to grind bones but his eyes never wavered from mine and what erupted from my mouth I care not to repeat. But true to form, he stayed with me, encouraging me to bring forth my baby.

After what seemed like millennia, I heard the doctor say, "The head's crowning, Dana…come on, one more time….push!"

"Push, Dana!" was John's enthusiastic reply. He was digging this. I, however, was ready for the shit to be over. I bore down, grinding his metacarpals and shoved with all my might and felt no more pain as I heard my child's cries. John looked over and back at me and I could see the glint in his eyes and wondered if they were tears.

"It's a boy, Agent Scully! A beautiful boy, as normal as a one dollar bill, and a fat little joker from the looks of 'em."

I cried with relief. Music to my ears was my son's wails. A vision that will forever be etched into my brain was the tear I saw squeeze out of Agent Doggett's right eye.

I was holding my son. He weighed seven pounds two ounces, had my blue eyes, my nose, my mouth…everything except my hair. Of course, he's bald as a cueball so I can't say yet what his hair will look like. But I don't care. He's beautiful. I had him all morning, just staring into his wonderful little face. He is worth everything, everything…

A knock on my door and I said, "Come in."

It's John, and he's carrying a dozen gorgeous yellow rose buds with baby's breath. "Hi Agent Scully. How are you doin'?"

For some reason, I was so glad to see him that I couldn't speak for a moment. "I thought we'd gone over that…John."

He smiled at me, presenting the roses.

"Thank you, John. Sit them over there, please."

When he sat down by the bed, he just stared at the baby and me for a long moment. "How are you feelin'?"

"Tired, but great."

"Thought of a name for him yet?"

"Yes. Devon." I paused. "Devon Scully."

"Nice." He nodded his head in approval. "He's beautiful, Agent Scully."

"That he is. I've been staring at him all day. And my name is Dana. I think it's appropriate you call me that, being that you were there for me."

He shrugged. "Where else could I be when a lady needs help?"

"I want to thank you for that, John. You can't know what it meant for you to be there with me. Will you come to dinner after I'm out of the hospital?"

You would have thought I slapped the taste out of his mouth with the expression he gave me. "John? Don't go dumb on me now. I said I wanted to thank you, so let me cook dinner for you one evening?"

"Uh…okay." He looked sheepish.

Just then another knock on the door and I answer and Mulder poked his head in, his face beaming when he sees me and my bundle.

"Scully?"

He comes in with Skinner right behind him. Both of them have rose buds. Mulder's are pink and Skinner's are white.

"Hi, Agent Scully." Skinner says. Both of them come over to peer at the baby. Skinner reacts first.

"Gosh, he's big. Good job, Agent Scully. Didn't know you had it in you."

I smile at him. Mulder finally looks at my son and smiles. "He's beautiful, Scully."

Whatever was going through his mind at that moment I would pay money to know. Skinner busied himself setting down the roses and John took Mulder's roses and assisted the AD with arranging so Mulder could have a semi-private moment with me.

"He looks like you, Scully," he whispered.

"I know."

Mulder kisses my cheek. "I am sorry I wasn't with you when he was born. Agent Doggett told us all about it."

"That's okay, Mulder." And it was, for now. I was too content holding my son to ream him like he needed. Skinner comes back over. "I'm going to have to leave, Agent Scully. I just wanted to see how you're doing, and see the baby. What did you name him?"

"Devon."

"Hmm. Good, strong name. Of course I'll be by to check on you two periodically." For once the AD wasn't scowling. He looked rather happy. I made a mental note to write that down. "You take care, now." He leaned and kissed my forehead. "Good bye." And he was gone. John, over by the window, gave me a measured look which told me he was going to cut out to let me have some time with Mulder and left before I could say anything.

Mulder stared at my cradled child who was sleeping peacefully at this moment, words escaping him. I looked at him carefully, at this man I loved like a brother, needing to get my disappointment with him off my chest and all I could think about was the man who'd just left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I ended up being on maternity leave for 3 months. I had enough annual leave so that I could take an extended period of time to get my "house in order" so to speak. My baby is a blessing. Every day is new with him. When I came home from the hospital, I hadn't received his furniture yet due to him being about three weeks premature. Momma'd brought a crib over for me until his furniture arrived, which was just dandy fine because he was sleeping in my room, not two feet from me. And I was nursing him.

I shed the pounds from the baby easily and six weeks after Devon's birth, I was back to my size six with the exception of my chest. Needless to say, I had a set of casaba melons up top and all I could do was sigh. Devon eats so much and he has grown a lot. When I nurse him, I find myself at peace.

It was during one of these times when I thought about my offer to John. I really wanted to do that for him. Even though I'd been an utter shit since we met, he has been nothing but super duper nice to me and extremely considerate under the circumstances. I could remember after the incident with the bat-man him asking me if I was okay after he'd sustained blood loss.

I'm not at all sure what was contributing to my pleasant thoughts of John Doggett: my newly found maternal insights, my disappointment in Mulder, or plain old feelings of like and dislike. I liked John. I did. After being around him, I have come to see what a good man he is. I'd be a fool not to recognize it.

As I nursed my son, changing breasts, I also chided myself for being a fool and not recognizing what I was sure John felt about me. The times when I caught him looking at me had been revealing, if anything and yet I was sure he didn't realize that I recognized the look in his silver-blue eyes. But I was in grief over Mulder. I couldn't see anything but locating him, especially before my son's birth. In hindsight, I wonder what was the big deal? Mulder isn't sure he's the father of my little boy and he certainly wasn't there when Devon was born. I hadn't seen much of him, being that he and John were working cases left and right.

And truth be told, I was starving. I could be honest enough with myself to admit that what I'd wanted from Mulder I wasn't going to get. I'm a flesh and blood hetero female and there's nothing wrong with me wanting someone in my life. With Devon now it was prominent. I knew I could be all there was for my son, but I am not a man and Devon deserves a good father. I was no longer positive that Mulder could be that. He would have to prove himself.

I made up my mind to invite John over for dinner tomorrow. It would be Friday and he could relax and enjoy a good meal and some conversation. And even though I was no longer with the X-files due to my reassignment, the cases would always hold my attention. They were too weird not to.

I flipped through my mind to see what I'd cook. Chicken, no…beef, no….hm…fish. I haven't had fish in a dog's age….fish would be good.

I shifted Devon in my arms as I reached for my phone and dialed John's cell phone number from memory. After a moment, he answered.

"John Doggett?"

"Agent Doggett? It's Dana. Dana Scully."

"Agent Scully." I can hear the smile in his voice.

"As if I could forget you. How are you? How's that fat little joker?"

I secretly liked the nickname he'd given Devon. Devon was a fat little joker.

"We're fine. Can you come for dinner tomorrow night."

"Really?"

"Did you forget? I owe you…from being in the delivery room."

"Agent Scully, you don't owe me anythin' for that. It's I who owe you." A pause. "It was beautiful to see."

"John," I smile down at my baby, who is looking up at me with his big blue eyes. "have your ass over here at eight o clock sharp. I hope you like fish." No arguments. What he did for me I'll never be able to repay him for, but I can try.

"Agent Sc-"

"And I thought I told you my name is Dana! Eight sharp and be casual, please. I'm wearing jeans, so don't you dare dress up."

"Dana," he paused, breathless, it seemed. "Are you sure?"

"I've never been surer of anything else. I want you over for dinner. Please come."

"Okay. I'll be there. Can I bring anything?"

"Well…no champagne or wine because I'm nursing, but anything else is welcome."

"Okay. I'll see you later Ag-Dana." I could hear the grin in his voice.

"No later than eight, John. Devon will be very upset if you are late."

This time he did laugh. "Okay. Good night."

I hung up, smiling down at my baby. For the first time, as a woman, I felt whole. This was right. I wasn't setting John or myself up for anything, but he was turning out to be a really good friend.

 

 

The next day, Devon's furniture arrived.

Unexpectedly, of course. I direct the driver to bring it into the spare bedroom. However, he was not under any obligation to assemble my son's bed, and being that I was his last stop and he was ready to get off work, he was not the least bit charitable. So he left me with an unbuilt baby bed and all I could do was sigh. My gurgling baby appeared to be amused with what his mother was having to put up with.

"S'okay, you're sleeping with me again tonight, little joker." I kissed his head. I love my son more than life itself.

I didn't have time to put the bed together tonight; I wanted to nurse Devon and take a leisurely bath before I started preparing dinner. But as it stood, Devon was seven weeks old and slept whenever the mood took him and I'd learned to sleep when he did. So we both zonked out for a few hours and when I woke up, I realized it was seven thirty and I'd not yet begun dinner. The baby was still sleeping and I took that opportunity to take a quick shower. I came out and slid into my old comfortable beat-to-hell jeans and slipped on one of my tank tops. I was not about to get all cute, not when I'd just had a baby, was nursing, and was comfortable like I was.

I threw my hair into a ponytail and looked at myself. I'd gotten more than my fair share of figure back. Whoa! Hips for days and breasts like BAM! I glared at the mirror. Wonder if I'll actually keep this shape after Devon stops nursing? Shit, I hope so. I was a curvy little thing, so unlike I was before my pregnancy.

I wiggled my toes. I'd been painting my toenails red since being on maternity leave and they were still red. I laughed. Mulder'd never believe this. Devon awoke and wailed a moment and I picked him up. I started cooing to him and playing and he began gurgling and smiling and I lost all track of time. I'd forgotten I was supposed to be starting dinner when the doorbell rang.

"Shit!" I said, remembering what was up. Dinner was supposed to be on the table and the fish hadn't even been seasoned. Me and my dumb ass.

I went to the door, Devon in my arms, and opened it. Right on time, standing outside my door in a pale blue pullover and jeans, holding a bottle of what appeared to be wine was my new partner.

"John!" I said. He just looked at me.

"John? You okay?"

"Uh…yeah. Hi. Here. It's sparklin' white grape…no alcohol for you, Mom." He came in and handed me the bottle. "An' is this the fat little joker?" He gave me a look. "Is it okay if I hold him?"

"Sure. He weighs a ton and I gotta admit, he and I took a nap and I haven't started dinner…so, do you mind?"

"Naaah, give him to me." I handed him my son and John took him, holding him like he was a pro. Then I remembered…he'd had a child once. I watched him for a second and then I really got a good look at him with my baby.

No, I couldn't have possibly noticed this before. Not what I'm seeing now. Even when he had on that hospital gown, it didn't make him look like this. I guess it's the single woman in me finally clamoring for attention. I stared at this man in front of me, belatedly realizing that he was…handsome, to be general, and fine as hell, to be specific. I was looking at his jeans and I guess I was staring. Ass almighty. Damn! Why didn't I notice this earlier? I cursed myself for being too professional to pass up ogling opportunities like this. And so close! I fanned myself.

"Fish okay with you?" I finally say, getting my hormones under control.

"Whatever you cook is alright with me. I'll eat anything."

I mentally slapped myself. This was going to be a long night.

 

I walked past him into the kitchen to begin cooking and he followed me. I have bouncy baby chairs in every room for Devon to sit in while I do what needs doing and one sat on the far kitchen counter. Like a pro, John laid him in the chair and turned to help me. I'd gotten out the fish and a box of wild rice and he actually washed his hands and began washing the fish. I was too stunned to stop him.

I'd begun boiling the water for the fish and mixed up muffin batter for the muffins by the time he laid the fish on some paper towels to dry. Then he leaned back on the counter, glancing ever so often at Devon, but watching me. I felt it too. I kept moving around the kitchen, pulling down seasonings and dishes, warm in spite of myself. I don't know what it was that was making him stare so hard…I'd never felt like this before. It wasn't uncomfortable, but erotically pleasant, in ways that I'd never felt for years. I didn't want to fidget, so I lightly oiled my ceramic pan and laid the Spanish mackerel fillets down, seasoned them, dumped a few pats of butter on them and covered each with a lemon slice and slid the pan in the oven below the muffins.

I took a deep breath and as I looked at the water heating in the pot, I unconsciously stood on one foot, which is what I usually do while waiting for my coffee to brew in the morning. And I could feel his gaze all over me and I finally recognized the churning in my stomach for what it was. I was hoping he approved…anticipatory of what he was wondering as he looked at me.

I didn't have to wonder long.

"Dana," he said.

I put my foot down and exhaled. "Yes?" I couldn't look at him. I was nervous…yes me, a trained Agent, nervous.

"Dana…you're beautiful."

I turned to look at him and knew it was the truth, just by looking at his eyes. "What?"

"I said, you're beautiful. Motherhood becomes you."

I looked down at my chest and hips and was about to fire off a sassy comment to squelch the tugging sensations going on in my crotch when he read my mind.

"An' I'm not talkin' about your…curves…either, though they're beautiful too."

"John…"

"I can't help but look at you. You should know that by now."

"John, I…"

"I'm sorry if I'm offendin' you, Dana."

"You're not. I just thought…"

"Hm?"

"I just thought you were thinking something else."

"Do I want to know what?"

I grinned. "Not unless you want me to tell you." I slit open the bag of rice and poured it in. John picked up Devon, who was bouncing happily in his chair, and took him into the living room. He thinks I'm beautiful. My crotch sang its happiness. Isn't it amazing what having a baby will do for you?

Duh! Dana, he thought that all along, even before he knew I was pregnant. And watching him with Devon was wonderful in itself. Devon isn't used to anyone but me and Mom, and yet here he was gurgling at John. Probably captivated by those silver-blue eyes. From what I know of the typing pool, those eyes could stop traffic. I know I wasn't too far behind.

 

When dinner was ready, we ate at the table with Devon on one side. John told me about working with Mulder and how they would never be friends. He said in no uncertain terms that Mulder missed me and even Skinner missed me.

I'd heard from Skinner, though, and told John so. Mulder was doing an MIA since coming to see me in the hospital. I didn't care anymore that he hadn't been around to look in on me. He called from time to time, but he'd allowed himself to become sucked back into those cases and I know how he is. So long as he doesn't call me for an autopsy, we're fine.

Devon began to cry and I knew why. He was hungry. I picked him up and sat on the couch, adjusted my tank and began to nurse him. I'd left John sitting at the table and when I nurse my child, I tend to forget everything except him. So I didn't notice when John got up to go stand over by the wall to watch me nurse my son. If I'd looked up right at that moment, I really don't think I would have been able to stand what I would have seen in his eyes. The reason why I knew that is because I saw that look again later that evening.

I was humming as Devon fed. I was hoping he'd go to sleep so I could clean up the kitchen. I stroked his forehead, smiling at the spattering of soft red fuzz on his head. He smelled so good, better than chocolate, fresh air, everything. I smelled his head and adjusted him so that he could feed from my other breast. When I switched arms, I noticed John standing over by the wall watching me. I stared at him a moment, then Devon wailed and I attached his lips to my awaiting nipple and looked for something to cover me.

John was pulling a Mulder tonight, that was for sure.

"Don't…please. If you're uncomfortable, I'll go in the kitchen, but don't…"

I looked at him. I wasn't uncomfortable, but you know, my breasts were kind of on display for all the world to see…

"My wife used to breastfeed our son when he was a baby and I loved watchin' her with him. I'm sorry if I've made you uncomf-"

What he'd said was news. "I'm not uncomfortable, John. I'm at home. I didn't want to make you feel awkward."

"I'm not. That's just…beautiful…to me. Sorry."

"Stop apologizing, you dolt. Come sit down." With my free hand, I patted the sofa cushion. He eyed me warily and ran his fingers down over his left brow. Was he nervous? Was I? I did a mental reconnaissance and decided I wasn't and I wanted him to sit with me while I cared for my baby. We're both adults and from what he just told me, he's seen this before.

"Do I have to come and get you? Sit down."

"Yes ma'am," he said, smiling and coming to sit on the other end of the couch. I glared at him. He looked at me and there was no trace of a smile or grin in his voice when he said, "I'd better sit here, if it's okay with you."

Our eyes met and his told me what his voice was not able to articulate for fear of embarrassment or anger. I shivered unconsciously, waking my baby who'd finally drifted off to sleep.

John's eyes went from mine to my son. "You woke him up."

I looked at my son. "I see I did. Oh boy."

Devon stuck out his little tongue and scrunched up his face. A minute later, I smelled something foul. John looked at my face and laughed. "What're you feedin' that kid?"

I laughed back. "Breast milk."

He shook his head and I eyed him as I began to rock Devon. "Don't you say another word!" I would have never thought that he and I would be able to engage in bantering such as this. It was so fun and soooo relaxing to verbal spar with a man other than Mulder. I got up and went to go change him. Not surprisingly, John was there to help and he saw the pieces of Devon's bed lying all over the floor.

"Scully…Dana, why didn't you tell me the bed needed fixin'?"

"Uh, it just arrived right before you did."

He looked at me, those eyes of his piercing right through me and my crotch gave a yell I'm sure he heard. I sighed. Without a word, he bent down, giving another fantastic view of his denim-clad ass. I shook my head. It'd been four years, seven months, two weeks and three days since I'd had a good lay. And without the least bit of doubt, I had a strong feeling this man would give me way more than that. I'd better not look at his ass anymore. I might be tempted to grab it. I grabbed Devon's diaper bag and carried him out of the room to change him.

After he was freshly changed, I sang him to sleep. My little joker was all tuckered out and I put him down in his crib, turned on the monitor and shut the door. I adjusted my tank top and ran my hands over my jeans and went back into the bedroom where John was assembling the baby bed. And I was not surprised to see him almost done. How'd he do it so fast? Must be an old pro.

"Need help?"

He turned to look at me. "Not really, but your company would be nice."

I grinned. He began screwing in the upper rails and eyed me. "I heard you singin' to 'im. That wasn't 'Rock-a-bye-Baby,' wasn't it?"

I rolled my eyes and dropped down next to him to help him. "No."

"So?" His eyes twinkled and I decided that I really did love his eyes.

"Okay, it was an Al Green song, all right?"

"Al Green?"

I blushed. I'd been an undercover Al Green fan for years and to get Devon to sleep, I usually sang to him "Still In Love With You," which is one of my favorites. Devon liked the melody.

"Yes. And what's wrong with Al Green?"

"Nothin'." He tightened the rails. "Just that I got his greatest hits in my truck."

"You do?" I didn't bother hiding my shock. I've wanted that CD for a while and never could find it. He bent under the bed. "Reach in my pocket, get my keys and go get it."

I know my eyes were saucers. "Really?"

"Sure. I like him too. 'Still In Love With You' is a personal favorite, right up there with 'Love and Happiness.'"

I reached for his pocket, realizing that in addition to his keys, I would probably get to grab his thigh and wondered if it was as tight as the rest of him. Bad girl, Dana! Bad girl!

I eased my hand into his pocket and sure enough, it was. Quickly I grabbed his keys and pulled my hand away before I caught fire. I got up, ran out to his truck and sure enough, I saw the jewel case among many scattered CD cases on the floor of the passenger side of his truck. I picked it up, shook it and ran back inside.

Once inside, I popped the CD into my changer, skipped to #5 and hit PLAY. I made sure the volume was low as to not wake my baby and sure enough, that wonderful melodic intro came on and I found myself swaying with my eyes closed. And I began to sing along. I LOVE this song!

When I opened my eyes, John was lounging in the doorframe, smiling at me. Unashamed at all (did I mention how liberating having a baby is?), I held out my hand to him. He came forwards and took it, coming close enough to slide his other arm around my waist. The glimmer in his eyes told me more than I'd ever expected. His mouth said, "I never thought I'd ever see you like this, Agent Scully."

We began to dance to the music, eye to eye. I was damn comfortable too, I don't mind saying. He fit so well with me, it was almost eerie. "I could say the same myself, Agent Doggett."

"Well, that basement office doesn't leave much room for dancin' around, y'know."

I nodded. "I do."

And we danced and I couldn't help singing along at my favorite part, "When I look in your eyes, you let me know how you feel…when it hurts so, to let you go…seems to me that I'm wrapped up in your love, baby don't you know that I'm still in love with you, sho' nuff in love with you…"

He was looking at me funny. I had to explain. "Devon likes it when I sing this to him. "

I felt his arm around my waist tighten and pull me closer. He wasn't smiling anymore and his eyes wavered blue depths and were focused on my face. I found I didn't want to breathe.

"He's not the only one," he said, his voice low. I stared at him, knowing my mouth was parted and I looked stupid, but the kicker came when he said to me: "You'd better throw water in my face, hit me over the head, kick me out, cuss me out or somethin', Agent Scully."

"Why?" I breathed, knowing the answer.

"'Cause of what I'm goin' to do next…"

I didn't move when he kissed me. I didn't want to move. I just stayed where I was, my body on fire in a zillion different places and my heart was outblasting my brain and my crotch had turned to liquid fire. I knew right then that I would do nothing of the sort. His kiss was bliss infinite and I wanted him to know I wanted it and I parted my lips and bid him entrance. Oh, it was nice, very nice. Mother sucker could kiss and I'm so glad I know firsthand. Needed to get out more…needed this, needed someone like him around me, with me. I was aware of the fog that penetrated my brain…why someone like him? Why not him? And that thought persisted above all others, even after that magnificent kiss.

He pulled away first. I think my eyes were still closed and my lips were still parted.

"Dana," he murmured. I opened my eyes. "Oh," I said, smiling, blushing.

"I'm not sorry I did it," he said, apparently thinking I was going to be angry. I had to kill that noise immediately.

"I'm not either, John." I said, very slowly. "I'm not." And I make sure he can see this in my eyes as well as hear it from me. God, I wanted more…but his way of proceeding was so much better than mine. Years of pent-up frustrations, unrequited love for Mulder that'd been cooled into brotherly love, and my own needs and desires as a woman were screaming for attention. I could want this man before me, very easily. Scratch that. I did want this man before me.

 

He brought his knuckles to my face and kissed the tip of my nose. "I should go."

Him being the gentleman he was, I knew why he'd said such a thing. I could feel it against me and that did nothing to quell what was going on inside my own body. However, he was a man and I'm a grown ass woman and I did not want him to leave. So I didn't let him go.

"No."

"Dana, I…"

"No. I want you to stay with me. I think we have to talk." I stared at those silver-blue eyes of his, suddenly and fiercely possessive of him.

"All right." He sighed, smiling at me. "I guess you see how easy it is for you to have your way with me." Not yet, baby, I thought. Hopefully, later, I would. But I was not about to let this burgeoning closeness between us be destroyed or halted. I wanted to cement what I thought was happening and slap the cards down on the table. Especially before Devon woke up.

"Let's lie down in my room, okay? I want to be near the baby." I wasn't worried about sinful transgressions…I knew John Doggett was as pure as the driven snow, as long as I wanted him to be. I locked up the house and he helped me straighten the kitchen, no words between us. I got a small pitcherful of ice and juice and one glass and we went into my bedroom, mindful of my sleeping baby, who, if I had the time right, would wake up in a couple of hours demanding to be fed.

"Get comfortable. Take off your shoes and turn your head so I can slip on my jogging shorts." I was amused to see him turn and shut his eyes. I slid off the jeans and into my sleeping joggers and turned back the covers, getting in bed after setting the juice and ice on the nightstand.

"John?"

He turned, opened his eyes and looked at me.

"Get in. We have to talk."

"Do you mind if I take off my jeans? I, er…have on shorts under here…"

Boxers or briefs? I hoped boxers. I primly closed my eyes and he laughed softly. I heard him unzip and wondered how he looked naked. Probably fantastic. "Okay." When I opened them, I saw he wore a Marines t-shirt that just…fit…and blue boxers. I swallowed to keep the drool in my mouth. What a body! Down, girl…down.

He got in beside me and pulled up the covers. I turned off the lamp, not wanting to disturb Devon.

"We can talk in the dark, John."

"Doesn't bother me, Dana."

"You want to tell me what you want?"

A pause. Then I felt his hand lazily grab mine and slide his fingers through mine. "You."

I paused, not able to halt the smile that broke across my face. "Good."

"For a while now. But I thought you were in love with Mulder."

"I love Mulder, but I haven't been in love with him for a long time. I used to be, but that was years ago…and it was unrequited, but I could never leave him. I wasn't that strong."

"You are now. You have left."

"Because of Devon," and I squeezed his hand, "and now because of you. I don't think Mulder even knew I was a woman and when I realized that we could never be an 'us' I let it go and buried myself in our work. I can't do that anymore. I'm tired of acting like I don't want what other women want or have."

"And you shouldn't. Little joker there is living proof that you deserve it all, Dana."

"Half the proof. I want someone in my life. I need someone in my life. Someone who makes me feel beautiful and cherished, someone who loves me and not my skill for autopsies."

He remained quiet. I rambled on, now afraid of what he thought. Had I assumed too much? Oh God, please let me have guessed right!

"Dana, I want to be…I will be…I am…if you want me…"

"I have given you no reason to like me, John. Not after my treatment of you when you were assigned to the X-files."

"Dana, you were angry and upset over Mulder and my intrusion into y'all's domain. I understand perfectly."

"And then I shut you out. I shudder to think of what would have happened if you hadn't tracked me down out there with those slug-cult people…"

"Don't worry about it now, Dana. I admit, I was damn irritated that you dissed me like that, but it doesn't matter now."

I squeezed his hand again. "I do want you." And I did. What woman wouldn't want a charismatic, rugged, straight-from-the-hip gentleman like John Doggett? Not to mention the benefits that came with those other qualities…like a tight body, those piercing blue eyes, and those hands…masculine with a rough edge. Mulder's hands were smooth. John had man's hands…and I had to stop thinking about his hands if I expected to get anything else accomplished tonight.

"I don't want to throw this in his face, John."

"An' you think I'd do that?"

"No. If he finds out, he finds out, but I'm not going to tell him. This is us."

"Okay."

I shifted, brushing my leg against his. I wanted him fiercely. I wanted said hands on me. I wanted him to touch me. I needed touching. Do you know how long it's been since ANY man has really touched me?

"Dana," he asked, letting go of my hand, "can I touch you?"

"I'm a mess," I blurted out, amazed that he'd read my mind.

"I don't think so," he said. "Get in my lap."

I rolled and straddled his thighs, looking down at him. He began at my head, finding my band and undoing my ponytail, allowing my hair to escape and flow over my shoulders. And then his hands were in my hair, stroking my scalp and I threw my head back to allow him access. Oh man, this felt so good.

Down the column of my neck, one capturing the back of my throat, the other spanning my upper chest, flitting across the dimple at my neck's base. And he leaned forward and sniffed me, then pressed his forehead in my cleavage and I sighed, my own hands coming up to cradle the back of his head.

He did it right, slow and sure, never once needing to clarify which parts of me were off limits. He knew…after that kiss, there was no part of me denied to him. His hands slid down my arms and spanned my waist, almost completely encircling it. I couldn't help but say to him, "I haven't been able to completely lose all the weight from the pregnancy," to which he responded, "What weight?"

Under my tank top his hands went and his eyes met mine and in a flash I granted approval and off my top came, sailing over the back of my head to who knew where and who cared. My breasts were enlargened, heavy with Devon's milk and he just stared at them, taking one in each hand and gently massaging them. My nipples hardened in spite of myself and I found myself unable to breathe which lasted until he gently kissed my nipples and I let loose with a rush of warm air between my teeth. Ah, that had felt sooo GOOD!

He burrowed his head between my breasts and his arms came around me and I heard him murmur my name as he pressed me closer. My earlier chaste intentions of talking would be out the window if he did that again. I rubbed the back of his head, twining my free hand through his dark blond hair, smelling him and liking what my nose caught. Ah, what a man!

He kissed my nipples again, and then his kisses turned into something sweeter and evocative of all the primal feelings that had lain dormant for so many years. I gasped. He had me and he hadn't even gotten to the lower half of my body yet. I moaned my delight…I couldn't hide it and I held on to him and he held me and we were like that and I was deep in the fog when I heard my baby crying. Damn it! Damn, damn damn! Figures.

I looked at John and even though a thin sliver of moonlight illuminated the room, I knew he was smiling. At Devon's interruption, sure, but more so from what he'd just did to me and made me do. I grabbed Devon and got back into my nice warm bed and adjusted his head so that he could feed. I leaned close to John and he put an arm around me and the other hand on Devon's head.

"You know this is where it starts," he said to me.

"What?" I said.

"A man's preoccupation with breasts. This is where it begins."

I smiled. "Wicked man." Then, cradling my son closer so he could hurry up, I said to John, "Hold that thought."

"We don't have to rush, Dana. I want to take my time with you. You deserve it."

One more silky comment like that and I was going to throw my decidedly damp panties at him. Oh boy, there's a thought.

 

But his words had more of a meaning that I realized at the time. Devon took an inordinate amount of time to be sated and then he wanted to play. John and I played with him well into the night. When he finally went back to sleep, I got back in bed and John drew me into his arms and instead of what we'd been doing earlier, we went to sleep. That was just like him. He wasn't in it for the short run…he was making a major investment and had been from day one.

 

We slept together without making love and morning came and we had breakfast and played with the baby. It was so natural and easy between us that I chided myself for my previous blindness. That first night was the beginning of a beautiful thing for both of us. And it was a while before Mulder even realized John and I were in love.

Mulder visited my office at Quantico often, never seeing the glow in my cheeks or the happiness plastered on my face. And I was happy! Devon was a beautiful, wonderful healthy baby and I had a good man who worshipped both me and my son. Mulder would make comments as to how nothing as of late seemed to irk his partner, who also never worked overtime anymore. I never bothered to comment because there was a wistful sadness in my former partner's eyes whenever he talked about John's preoccupation with "whoever she was." I guess Mulder knew that he would forever be denied that form of security because a greater love overrode that desire. And it was that love that drove him and fueled him and shut him off from what could have been a complete and satisfying life. I still love him, he's my best friend and I'll always be there to do what I can to help him in his quest. But that love affair for truth which still drives him that we both shared is over. Finito. Ended. Love lost and found and mine was found in the arms of Mulder's deliverance.

fin

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Read the sequel "Intangible Fantasy".