Title: Heartbroken (1/1)
Author: L. M. Shard
E-Mail address (it's new!): lsshard@cox.net
Date completed: 2-6-02
Rating: strong R (or maybe NC-17)
Category: S, R, A
Spoilers: Seasons 8 and 9
Keywords: DSR, DRF, D/R UST
Archive: probably anywhere, but please ask first
Feedback: Yes, please!
Thanks to: Megan and Ginger for previewing this story and 
offering invaluable input!
Disclaimer: Oh how I wished I owned these wonderful 
characters!  But Chris Carter, 1013, and Fox own them.
Summary:  John Doggett had tasted Dana Scully and her love, 
and now, even though it had been torn away from him, he 
couldn't get her out of his mind or his heart, no matter how 
hard he tried.




HEARTBROKEN
By: L. M. Shard



One week, six days, eight hours, and three minutes.  That's 
how long ago Fox Mulder returned and that's how long ago 
Dana Scully ran back into his arms.  That was also when John 
Doggett's heart broke.  

This was their dance: Mulder would leave, fearing danger or 
just needing to continue his search for the truth, leaving Scully 
and William behind.  He'd be gone for months without any 
contact with them, and Scully would be left heartbroken and 
lonely.  She'd resolve to end it with Mulder, but then he'd be 
back again with empty promises and puppy-dog eyes.  Scully 
would welcome him back with open arms just to repeat the 
vicious circle again and again.  

In the past, Doggett would observe the roller coaster ride 
Mulder took her on and hurt for her.   But not this time.  This 
time was different.  This time he was the one with the broken 
heart.   For one night, about three weeks ago, changed 
everything.  Or so he had thought.  It was on that night that 
Scully and Doggett had become lovers.

Scully had been depressed once again throughout the workday 
and had visited Doggett at his house later that night to talk, as 
she had been doing more often lately.  Doggett was tired of 
seeing her being stepped on by Mulder and told her so, plain 
and clear.  He had told her that he couldn't bear to see her so 
miserable anymore and that she deserved much better.  She 
deserved a man that would love her and be there for her and 
her baby.  He had then gone on to tell her that he would be 
that man if she would have him; that he was in love with her.  
She had been surprised at his honesty at first, but then had run 
into his arms, kissing him, conveying her love for him as well.  
He had swept her up and carried her upstairs to his bed.  There 
they spent the rest of the night making love, joining their 
bodies, minds, and souls.

Doggett had thought that that was the beginning of what 
would be a happy life for them together.  And it was, for just 
over a week, until Mulder returned.  To his utter surprise and 
amazement, she went back to him, as his heart shattered 
painfully into countless pieces.

And here it was one week, six days, eight hours, and now four 
minutes since Scully had left him.  It was just after 5:00pm 
and she had already gone home for the day.  She had been 
leaving work earlier lately.  Doggett knew it was just another 
one of her ways to avoid him, to avoid facing him and this 
emotional mess she had created in his heart.

Doggett sat at his desk, staring absently at a flyer posted on 
the far wall.  He was reluctant to go home, to an empty house, 
to an empty bed, where memories of their lovemaking and 
carefree, joyous days would haunt his aching heart.  Yet he 
was reluctant to stay at work, since memories of her 
encompassed this place as well.   He didn't know what to do, 
but he had to do something; this grief, this heartsickness, was 
slowly killing him, and he just couldn't shake it.  He had to get 
away for his own sanity's sake.

Monica Reyes walked into the office.  "Hi John," she said 
cheerfully.  Immediately noticing his somber mood, she 
walked over to him, sat on his desk and placed a concerned 
hand on his shoulder.  "John…" she said with great empathy.  
She knew what had happened between him and Scully and 
how deep his grief was.  Even though he tried hard to hide his 
pain by burying himself in work, Reyes knew better; she knew 
him too well and her heart ached for him.

"What's up, Monica?"  He asked, looking up at her.

She decided business could wait.  "Nothing important."  She 
looked directly in his eyes and with great feeling said, "John, I 
can't stand seeing you like this.  Is there anything I can do for 
you?"

He squeezed the hand she had laying on his shoulder and 
responded, "No, but thanks.  You've been a good friend."  He 
meant it.  She had always stuck by him in the worst of times, 
and this time was no exception.  She was the one who had 
kept him from putting a bullet in his head after the loss of his 
son and wife.

Reyes hated seeing her friend in such agony.  She knew how 
much he loved Scully and knew firsthand the pain a broken 
heart could cause.  "I know what you're going through," she 
said gently.

He looked at her again.  "You do, don't you?"  He asked 
rhetorically.  He had been there for her after her breakup with 
Brad Follmer.  

"It really helped me to get away for a while.  To get some 
distance, clear the head," she said.

Doggett nodded slowly.  "I was actually just sittin' here 
thinking that.  I have several weeks of vacation time 
backlogged.  I think I might take a couple."

"Do it, John.  Go.  I'll take care of everything here," she said, 
glad he was thinking about taking some time for himself to 
sort out his heart.

"Are you sure?  I don't want to leave you with all the work.  I 
can go in a few days and help you catch up on some of that 
paperwork we've been puttin' off."

"No, go now.   Tonight if you can.  The sooner you go, the 
better it will be for you.  Being here, with her, everyday: it's 
not good for you.  Everything is still too raw."

She was right.  Resolved, he smiled warmly at her and stood 
up.  "Thanks, Monica," he said and then hugged her tightly.  
She wrapped her arms around him as well and returned his 
embrace.  She desperately wanted to take his pain away.

They parted and Doggett grabbed a piece of paper and a pen 
and scribbled down some information.  Handing it to Reyes, 
he said, "Here's the address and phone number of where I'll be.  
It's my family's cabin by the lake.  You remember it, don't 
you?"

"Yes," she said, remembering that she had been there with him 
as he was going through his grief of losing Luke and his wife.  

"I'll have my cell phone off, but please call me if you need 
anythin', have a question about one of the cases, or just 
anythin' at all," he said, starting to feel guilty that he was 
leaving her with so much work.  It was not like him to just 
take off; he was a man who took his responsibilities seriously.

"Don't worry, John.  I have everything under control here.  I 
want you to find some peace.  You need this time," she said 
with great compassion.

"Well then, I'll just stop by Kersh's office and tell him my 
plans and get outta here," he said, already grabbing his coat 
and briefcase.  

He was about to walk out the door, when he turned around and 
said softly, "Thanks for always bein' there for me, Monica.  It 
means a lot."

"Always, John," she said.

He smiled warmly at her and left.

Night had already fallen by the time Doggett arrived at the 
cabin.  The moon was full and the cabin almost glowed in its 
light, beckoning him like the peaceful refuge he hoped it 
would be.  He brought in his duffle bag filled with clothes and 
toiletries, put on some sweats, and walked back outside.

The night air was crisp and clean, carrying a faint scent of 
bark and grass.  Crickets chirped in endless harmony and an 
owl hooted a distant chorus.  The moon's reflection on the lake 
was almost surreal.  It loomed largely on the horizon and its 
image on the water was even greater.  Doggett threw a rock 
into the still water and the picture-perfect sphere transformed 
into a rippling, apparition-like mass.

He hoped that this time away would mend his broken heart.  
But he had his doubts, for even now, knowing he wouldn't be 
seeing her for the next couple weeks, he felt heartsick.

After throwing a few more rocks into the lake, he went back 
inside.  He made himself a mediocre dinner – he just didn't 
feel very hungry these days – then grabbed a bottle of booze, 
sat on the couch, and flipped on the television.  He watched 
mindlessly and drank heavily, trying hard to block out 
thoughts of Scully.  Eventually sleep overcame him, just to 
have his dreams take over where his waking thoughts of her 
had left off.  To these dreams he woke up in a sweat, with pain 
in his heart and tears in his eyes.

That was how his days passed at the cabin.  He could barely 
eat and he noticed his clothes were feeling looser.  Sleep was 
something that evaded him, as hard as he tried to tire, bore, or 
drink himself into it.  His heart was truly sick and at times 
even manifested itself into physical pain that even the alcohol 
couldn't deaden.  He sat around brooding and kept himself 
busy with physical exercise.  Everyday he chopped wood for 
the cabin's fireplace, using it as an outlet for his frustrations 
and anger.  At night he'd stare into the fire that greedily ate the 
fruits of his labor, watching the flames lick up into the 
chimney, wishing Scully's petite body was curled up next to 
him.

Sometimes he'd be angry, sometimes he'd feel sorry for 
himself, but most of the time he just felt empty and numb.  He 
had tasted Dana Scully and her love, and now, even though it 
had been torn away from him, he couldn't get her out of his 
mind or his heart, no matter how hard he tried.

How could she want to be with a guy that just caused her pain 
time and time again?  He just didn't get it!  He had always 
viewed Scully as a strong woman, but when it came to her 
relationship with Mulder, she was anything but, in his opinion.  
But what had shocked him the most was that she had gone 
back to Mulder after they had shared their bodies and souls in 
love.  Had their lovemaking not meant as much to her as it had 
to him?  He could have sworn it had; he was sure he had seen 
the love in her eyes.  But then how could she so easily sweep 
him under the proverbial rug, leaving him in the dust?  He 
shook his head and cradled it in his hands, a single hot tear 
falling from one of his bloodshot, red-rimmed eyes.

It had been several days now since he had seen Scully.  He 
wondered if she even missed him, or if she was actually 
relieved not to have to share the same space with him in 
strained silence.  He wanted to know; yet he didn't.  That was 
one of the reasons he had decided right off the bat, not to turn 
his cell phone on during his time up here.  He doubted she had 
attempted to call him anyway.

Scully had been going through her own private anguish as 
well.  Even though she hadn't talked to him about anything 
other than work since she had gone back to Mulder, she 
missed him deeply.  From the outside, she knew she must have 
appeared cold to Doggett, but inside, as much as she was 
rejoicing in Mulder's return, she was mourning for the loss of 
Doggett.   She knew he was hurting, as was she.  Torn 
between her love for Mulder and her love for Doggett, she had 
chosen Mulder again.  She loved both men, but when she took 
a step back and let herself really think about them, she realized 
that she chose Mulder time and time again more out of 
obligation and for William's sake than for herself or romantic 
love.  Although Mulder did give her that kind of love when he 
was there, somehow he was never as invested in her or 
William as she was in him.  She didn't feel like either she or 
William was first in his life, and that was made clear by his 
constant disappearing acts, whatever their reasons were.

How overjoyed she had felt when Doggett had declared his 
love for her and had given her the gift of his heart.  She 
remembered throwing herself in his arms and spilling the 
secrets of her heart to him as well.  Oh, had she been happy 
with him!  He treated her with respect, yet with a fiery passion 
that never seemed to dwindle whenever he was in her 
presence.  And she knew he loved her completely; she could 
feel it in every cell of her being.  The week they had spent 
together as lovers was one of the happiest times in her life.  
Then why had she thrown it all away?  Mulder.  He had a 
strange and powerful pull on her.  It had always been hard for 
her to say "no" to him.  Yet she was slowly realizing what a 
mistake she had made, and her heart ached in misery.  She had 
a feeling that Mulder was soon going to leave again, despite 
his promises to the contrary.

It was late and Mulder had gone to bed about twenty minutes 
ago.  Although she had been very tired herself, she purposely 
delayed her bedtime, hoping that Mulder would be asleep by 
the time she climbed in next to him.  Since he had been back, 
Mulder had been very amorous with her, but she found herself 
uninterested, at times even repulsed, yearning for Doggett's 
touch instead.

Finally she turned in and slipped into bed next to Mulder.  
Almost immediately, Mulder groaned, put his arms around 
her, pulling her close, and nuzzled his face in her hair.

"I was wondering when you'd be getting here," he said in a 
low voice, as his hand slinked under her nightshirt and found 
her breast.

She closed her eyes and sighed mentally, wishing that it were 
Doggett's hand on her, remembering what it was like to be 
touched by him, to be loved by him.  Mulder turned her over 
and covered her mouth in a deep and passionate kiss.  She 
responded, but only reflexively, once again wishing it was 
Doggett's lips upon hers.  She knew Mulder was interested in 
much more than just a kiss, and his prominent erection pressed 
against her bare thigh was proof of that.  But once again she 
couldn't.  It felt wrong and she thought frantically for a valid 
excuse.

"We better stop," she said as Mulder's lips moved on to her 
neck.  "I got my period."

Mulder hesitated for a second, then said in a deep voice full of 
arousal, "Doesn't matter."

She pushed him away slightly and replied, "It does to me," 
praying he'd drop it.

He sighed, greatly disappointed and resumed his earlier 
position next to her, just holding her in his arms.  "'Night, 
Scully."

"'Night, Mulder."

"I love you," he whispered in her ear and gave her one last 
caress on the thigh.

"Ditto," she responded, not able to repeat the actual words to 
him.  Somehow it felt wrong.

The next morning she left for work before Mulder had even 
gotten out of bed.  The day at the office was light, giving her 
more time to feel Doggett's absence.  How she missed seeing 
him, hearing his sexy, raspy voice, and seeing those special 
smiles he reserved just for her when no one was looking.  
Memories of them together at work were everywhere.  Those 
juicy kisses he'd give her in the elevator when they were the 
only ones along for the ride, those longing glances he'd throw 
at her over the computer monitor, blatantly revealing he 
couldn't wait to get her alone, and that time when they were 
alone when he practically threw her up against the filing 
cabinet and gave her the most passionate and arousing kiss of 
her life, then proceeded to run his hand along her thigh, 
expertly maneuvering it under her pantyhose and panties and 
plunging a finger into her wet center.  She would never forget 
what he did and said next. He put that finger into his mouth 
and licked it clean, all the while looking deeply into her eyes.  
Then in the most arousing voice she had ever heard from his 
lips, he whispered, "I just couldn't wait another second to taste 
you."  She had almost fainted right then and there.  It was the 
most arousing and erotic experience she had ever had, and had 
there not been a knock on the door at that moment, they surely 
would have cleared a desk and made love that instant.  Of 
course, that night their lovemaking was fiery and insatiable.

Scully ran her fingers through her hair.  She had to see him 
and talk to him.  She couldn't go another day without him.

Her heart aching and pounding wildly at the same time, she 
reached for her cell phone.  She hoped that this phone call 
would be the first step in repairing the damage she had 
inflicted on Doggett and their relationship.  With a shaky 
hand, she dialed his number and was dismayed to find that his 
phone was turned off.  She redialed, just to make sure.  The 
phone went directly to voice mail, but she decided not to leave 
a message.  What she wanted to say was far too personal and 
important for that.  She knew what she must do.

Swallowing her pride, she walked into Reyes' office.  
Unfortunately, it looked like she had already left for the day.  
Deeply disappointed, she decided she would ask her tomorrow 
then headed home herself.

Instead of finding Mulder at home with the baby, she found 
her mother with a sleeping William on her lap.  The saddened 
look on her mother's face, let Scully know that the news she 
had to share was not good.  Her mother pointed to a scrap of 
paper on the kitchen table.  Scully walked over to it and read 
it, then reread it again.  Mulder was gone, just like she had 
feared, and all that was left of him was a note with more 
broken promises and hollow "I love yous".

Scully crumpled the paper tightly in her hands and fell into a 
nearby chair, crying.  What a mess she had made of her life!  
Was their any chance of repairing it?  Would she ever know 
John Doggett's love again?  She resolved to do all she could to 
that end.

The next morning Scully sought out Reyes first thing.  "Good 
morning, Monica," she said in her most pleasant voice.

Reyes looked up from her desk.  "Good morning, Dana."  She 
noticed that Scully's eyes were slightly puffy and red-rimmed 
and knew that she must have been crying.

Scully took in a deep breath and asked, "Monica, I need to 
know where I can contact John."

Reyes didn't answer her for a long time and just looked at her.  
Almost defensively she asked, "Why?"

Scully swallowed.  "I need to talk to him."

"Let me guess," Reyes said, failing at her attempt to hide her 
anger towards this woman that had caused her friend so much 
pain, "Mulder's gone."

A bit flustered at Reyes' remark, Scully shook her head and 
said, "Well, yes, but that's not—"

"That's exactly why you want to talk to John.  Now that 
Mulder's gone, you want to see if you can get John back, just 
to stomp on his heart the next time Mulder chooses to make an 
appearance in your life again.  Well, it doesn't work like that, 
and there is no way I'm going to give you his number."

Scully was surprised at what Reyes was saying, but she knew 
she deserved it.  She looked at her shoes.  "That's not—" she 
started to say.

"Do you even know how much you've hurt John?  Do you 
even know what you had in him?  That caliber of man doesn't 
come around that often, Dana.  Women envy what you had 
with him, and you threw it out the window.  And now, when 
he is off, trying to find some peace for his heart, you want to 
start the pain all over again."  Reyes couldn't believe she was 
saying all this to Scully.  It really wasn't her place, but when it 
came to Doggett and his heart, she was a mother bear.

"I don't want to hurt him, Monica.  I love him," Scully said, 
desperation inching into her voice.

"I've seen what your love does to him," she retorted, pain 
racing through her own heart.  She, for one, would have never 
let a man like Doggett go.

Scully observed the woman who was protecting Doggett with 
such uncharacteristic vehemence, and a realization dawned on 
her.  "You're in love with John, aren't you?"  She asked softly.

Reyes stared at her in surprise, but said nothing.  She did love 
him.  Her love was selfless and pure and hence nothing she 
wanted to share with the woman who had brought him such 
agony.

Scully approached Reyes slowly and looked into her eyes.  "I 
love John.  And I swear to you, Monica, I don't want to hurt 
him."

The women stared at each other for a long time, then Reyes 
said quietly, "Please go."

Scully did as told, her heart pounding from the encounter.  
One way or another, she was resolved to talk to Doggett.

When the door closed, Reyes put her head in her hands.  She 
was visibly shaken from the unexpected event and surprised at 
herself for saying what she had to Scully.  She hoped she had 
not made an enemy; she liked Scully as a person overall very 
much, but what she had done to Doggett was something Reyes 
couldn't allow to happen again.  How much heartache did the 
poor man have to suffer through in his lifetime?  He had 
already had more than his fair share in her opinion.  And as for 
that love for him that she had been called on, that was 
something she would keep to herself until she thought Doggett 
was ready to accept it, if ever.  For in the end, she just wanted 
him to be happy, no matter whom he was with.

She picked up the phone and dialed his number.  "Hi, John, it's 
Monica."

"Hi!"  Doggett said, happy to hear her voice.  He was getting 
quite lonely.  "How are things?"

"Everything is going fine at work.  There is nothing to worry 
about here.  How are you doing?"

Doggett sighed audibly.  "Well, not as good as I had hoped.  
Damn it, Monica; I just can't get that woman out of my head!  
I feel like a love-sick teenager." 

"Oh, John, I'm so sorry."  Her heart went out to him.  His 
voice held a profound sadness.  "Is there anything I can do?  
Do you want me to come up there?"  She offered.

"Thanks, but no.  I really just need to be alone.  Just hearin' 
your voice is actually helpin'.  I'm grateful to have such a good 
friend in you."

"Likewise," she said with great meaning.  She considered 
whether or not to tell Doggett of Scully's visit with her today, 
but she decided against it.  She thought that knowledge would 
only cause him more pain, and he was trying so hard to move 
past that.  "Just promise me that you'll let me know if I can 
help you.  You know there is nothing I wouldn't do for you, 
John," she said earnestly.

He smiled.  "I do, Monica, I do.  I'll talk to you later," he said 
and replaced the phone to its cradle.  He felt better after 
having talked with her.  Maybe he'd actually get some sleep 
tonight.

But for Doggett sleep did not come easily; his mind was just 
too cluttered with pain.  And what was worse was the pain of 
losing Scully was bringing up two other even more 
devastatingly painful loses again.  He rolled over in bed and 
turned on the small lamp next to it.  Grabbing his wallet, he 
opened it and removed a photograph.  The image of a perfect 
little family reflected back to him as he looked at the smiling 
faces of his son, his wife, and himself.  The picture had been 
taken about six years ago just before Christmas.  It had been 
the photo they had sent to all their family and friends in their 
Christmas cards that year.

Doggett traced tenderly over their faces with a finger, then 
squeezed his eyes tightly shut as the pain surfaced in him 
again like a tidal wave.  With a trembling hand he returned the 
photo to his wallet.  He sat up in bed, knowing there was no 
way he was going to end up sleeping tonight.  Maybe all this 
aloneness wasn't such a good idea after all.  Perhaps he would 
call Reyes tomorrow and invite her up.  

He put on his robe and slippers and walked to the living room.  
Stopping by the kitchen, he eyed the almost empty bottle of 
whiskey on the counter and downed it.  An overwhelming 
sense of loneliness hit him as he stared at the bottle in his 
hand.  Suddenly he felt the need to be around people, and 
some more booze wouldn't hurt either.  He went back into the 
bedroom, put on a pair of black jeans, a grey-blue shirt, and 
his black leather jacket, then left the cabin. 

He decided to walk to the small local bar since it was close, 
and about ten minutes later he arrived.  The place was quite 
packed for a Thursday night, but he was lucky enough to find 
an empty stool at the bar.  He ordered a whiskey and surveyed 
the room.  There were several couples laughing and having an 
all-out great time.  He could tell they were in love - or at least 
in great lust - by their body language.  Seeing it, he yearned to 
have someone in his life as well.  He had been blessed once 
with his precious wife and thought he had been blessed again 
when Scully had come to his bed.  He had only slept with two 
women after his wife had died and he could not give himself 
to either fully.  He had attempted, but with all the pain he felt 
inside, he had failed.  There just hadn't been anyone as special 
as his wife.  He thought there never would be, until the day he 
met Dana Scully.  From the moment the cold of the water 
washed over his surprised face, he was smitten.  He knew he 
wanted her and for a long time thought that she had been 
leaning in that direction as well, that was until Mulder 
returned from the dead.  Then all bets were off.  He'd never 
forget that look he saw in her eyes as he walked into the 
hospital room and she had her head on Mulder's living, 
breathing body.  That look had said it all: now that Mulder 
was back, she belonged at his side.  He had lost her then and 
his heart was heavy when he had left that room.  So when 
Scully had come to him, months later, it was too good to be 
true.  And it was, but he so wanted to believe it, so wanted to 
be with her, he let himself spill all his love into her and 
exposed his heart.  She was the woman he wanted to marry 
eventually.  She was the woman he wanted to have a family 
with again.

A bump on his shoulder broke his reverie.

"Oh, excuse me," a pretty lady said, and hurried off into her 
lover's arms.

Doggett turned toward the bartender and ordered two more 
whiskeys.  He just had to get Scully out of his head.  He 
scanned the room again, looking for any women who were 
alone.  There were a few, some of which were quite beautiful, 
but the thought of going over to them and flirting with them, 
just didn't feel right.  But he had to get out of this funk.  "After 
these drinks kick in," he promised himself.

Minutes later, he was feeling rather good and was about to 
wander over to one of the women he had singled out, when his 
gaze caught a familiar face.  Instantly a big smile graced his 
formerly somber visage.

She spotted him at the bar almost immediately.  She hadn't 
been sure if she had done the right thing in coming here, but 
the moment she saw his smile, she knew she had.  Quickly she 
walked over to him.

"Monica!"  He said as he grabbed her in his arms and held her 
tightly to him.  She felt good next to him and he realized how 
very lonely he was.

She returned his exuberant hug, then looked him in the eye, 
"So you're not mad I came up here anyway?"  She asked a bit 
timidly.

He smiled again and shook his head, "No.  I know I said not to 
come, but I'm glad you did."

She smiled radiantly back at him and he noticed how really 
beautiful she was.  He stared deeply into her hazel eyes, trying 
hard to focus.  The alcohol was catching up to him, but he 
finally felt good for a change.  "So how'd you find me?"

"Well, I checked the cabin first, of course, and when you 
weren't there, I just figured you might be here.  I'm not new to 
this place, you know," she said with a rather sad smile, 
recalling some dark times from the past.

He knew.  The two of them had spent many a night in this bar, 
he getting tanked and she watching out for him.  "I guess I'm 
not the hardest man to find when I'm up here," he said.  It felt 
good to be with a person who knew him so well.  "Lemme 
order you a drink," he said, waving the bartender over.

Seeing that he must have already had a few under his belt, 
Reyes thought she'd better stay sharp and said, "I'll just have a 
Coke."

"This is a bar, Monica, not a soda fountain," he said and 
ordered them each a whiskey.  The drinks were poured and he 
handed hers to her.  "To feeling better," he said, raising his 
glass, and downed the shot. 

Against her better judgment, she did the same.  He watched 
her as she drank it, then watched her place the glass on the 
counter.  She looked really good to him, wearing a rather low-
cut black top, tight black jeans and a leather jacket.  He found 
himself gazing at her cleavage and realizing that she wore 
similarly revealing tops like this often.  Why he hadn't really 
taken note before was beyond him.

Reyes noticed where his gaze was directed and felt 
embarrassed and aroused at the same time.  She lowered her 
eyes, not quite sure what to do.  She was glad to see him in 
better spirits, but feared the alcohol was a big factor in that, 
although she hoped her presence was at least a tiny factor in 
that as well.

The music switched to something with a good beat and 
Doggett put his hands on her waist and moved his body in 
tempo.  "Wanna dance?"  He asked with a sparkle in his eye.

She smiled.  "There's no dance floor in this place," she said.

"Don't matter," he replied and pulled her close, so their bodies 
were like one to the rhythm of the music.

She danced in place with him, not wanting to break his good 
mood, and even allowed herself to feel what his closeness was 
doing to her.  Beyond the smell of whiskey, he smelled really 
good, and the stubble that he inadvertently rubbed against her 
cheek was, oddly enough, a turn on for her.  She had fought 
her feelings for this man for years, and this situation wasn't 
helping any.

The song ended and he released her slightly, just enough to 
look into her eyes.  They shone brightly back at him, alive and 
true.  His fingers had found their way under her shirt and he 
relished at the feel of her bare waist.  "I like the way you 
move," he said in a low, raspy voice.  Suddenly there was a 
feral look in his eyes and he leaned down and covered her lips 
with his in a devouring, lustful kiss.  He clutched her tightly to 
his body and plunged his tongue past her parted lips, needing 
it, needing her.  His brain ceased to function and his body took 
over, his groin hardening at the fiery stimulation.

Reyes kissed him back hungrily, letting herself have what she 
had desired for so long, reveling in the passion and the feel of 
his manhood pressing firm against her.  She pulled him even 
closer, letting the kiss intensify, but then a flicker of clarity 
shot through her brain and she pushed him back, although 
rather reluctantly.  Panting softly, she said, "You're drunk, 
John."  Disappointment laced her voice.

"I feel good, Monica!  You make me feel good."  He looked 
deeply into her eyes then lowered his gaze to her lips.  He had 
a strong desire to taste them again and was about to when she 
pushed him back once more.

"I'm taking you home," she said, grabbing his hand and 
leading him outside.

"Sounds good," he said in a delayed response.  They both got 
in her car and within minutes they were back at the cabin.

He fumbled with the lock and when he finally opened the 
door, Reyes brushed passed him and went straight to the 
kitchen.  There she found some ground coffee in the cupboard 
and proceeded to brew a few strong cups.

Doggett walked into the cabin and closed the door behind him.  
Realizing what he had done, he sighed and ran his fingers 
through his hair.  His head was starting to clear and he walked 
over to Reyes, took her hands in his, and looked her straight in 
the eyes.  "I'm sorry, Monica.  I shouldn't have kissed you, 
especially not like that."  He paused as he saw something in 
her eyes; was it disappointment?  "Not that I didn't enjoy it; I 
did," he added with a lopsided grin, "but the timing…"

"I know," she said softly.  "You're still in love with Dana."

He nodded and lowered his eyes.  Then squeezing her hands, 
he met her gaze again, "You mean so much to me, and I'd hate 
for my actions tonight to come between us."

"It's alright, John.  I understand," she said, trying hard to 
sound unaffected, but inside she thought to herself, "And if or 
when you get over Dana, I'll be right here waiting for you."

He smiled and took her into his arms for a long embrace.

When they parted, she said, "I'm making you some coffee.  I 
suggest you drink it and try to get some sleep.  I think I better 
get going now.  Kersh is expecting me tomorrow morning, 
bright and early."

Doggett nodded.  He wanted her to stay, but he also had had 
the feeling for a long time now, that she thought of him as a 
little more than just a friend and felt bad for getting her hopes 
up with that kiss he had laid on her.  He knew she had to get 
some distance.  "Thanks, Monica.  I really appreciate you 
comin' all the way up here."

"You'll be okay?"  She asked concerned.

"Yeah, I'm gonna be fine."

He walked her out and to her car.  They hugged and said their 
goodbyes and he watched as she drove off into the black of 
night.  Sighing, he walked back into the cabin.  He felt low for 
having taken advantage of her like that.  His loneliness and 
desperation over losing Scully had gotten the better of him.  
Hurting Monica Reyes was something he never wanted to do.  
She had been a faithful friend to him and he cherished her.

Disappointed in himself, he went to bed and gratefully was 
able to sleep.

A few hours later, Reyes lay in bed as well.  She had thought 
about Doggett and the kiss they had shared the entire drive 
home.  The feelings it had aroused were incredibly intense and 
her heart ached at the knowledge that - like Doggett had said - 
the timing wasn't right.  She did not want to be the rebound 
woman; she wanted to be THE woman.  A couple tears spilled 
onto her pillow as she realized she was not that, at least not 
now.

Another day had passed and Scully had not been able to find 
out where she could reach Doggett through any other source.  
She decided to give Reyes another try.  She just had to find a 
way to make her understand that she did not want to hurt him.

Reyes was sitting at her desk when she walked into the 
basement office.  Scully closed the door behind her and said, 
"Monica, I need to talk to you."

Reyes looked up, knowing what this was going to be about.  
Already on the defensive she said, "If this is about John—"

"Please, just hear what I have to say," Scully interrupted.  "Let 
me speak my peace and then I'll go."

Reyes motioned with her head for her to take a seat.  She 
would listen, but that was it.

"I've made a big mistake and subsequently caused a lot of pain 
by it.  I am not just saying this because Mulder is gone again, 
but because I finally took the time to really listen to my own 
heart.  I realized that I went back to Mulder over and over 
more out of an obligation, mainly to William, than for true 
love.  I blocked out the feelings I had for John for so long.  I 
wouldn't let them surface and instead put all my energy into 
my relationship with Mulder.  When John told me of his 
feelings for me, it was like the key that unlocked the walls 
around my heart.  When I told him that I loved him, I felt 
reborn, for I was finally being true to myself.  That week that 
John and I were together was the happiest time in my life.  I 
can't describe to you how wonderful I felt.  It was like 
euphoria, comfort, and belonging all at the same time."

"Dana, you don't need to tell me all this," Reyes said, quite 
surprised that she was sharing such personal feelings with her.  
She also felt tinges of jealousy that Scully had had the gift of 
Doggett's love.  Funny how she had thrown it away so 
haphazardly, when she, herself, would cling to it if it were 
ever to be offered to her.

"Please, let me finish," Scully said evenly.

Reyes nodded.

"I know I made a terrible mistake by going back to Mulder.  It 
is one I swear I will never repeat, regardless of whether or not 
John will ever take me back.  I know I have caused John a 
great deal of pain; I saw it everyday when we worked 
together, and my heart ached for him.  I love him, Monica, 
with all my heart.  And I pray for a chance to make things 
right," Scully said, holding back the tears that threatened to 
spill down her cheeks at the next blink of her eyes.

Reyes was moved by Scully's emotional speech and believed 
her when she said that she did love Doggett.  She also knew 
that Doggett still yearned for Scully with all his soul, even 
after he had tried so hard to put her out of his mind and heart.  
So she reached for a piece of paper and scribbled Doggett's 
information on it.  She hoped she would not regret giving it to 
Scully.

"Here," she said, handing the paper to Scully.  "This is where 
John is staying."

Surprised and thrilled at the same time, Scully stood up and 
put her hand on the paper to take it, but Reyes did not let go. 
Looking directly into her eyes, Reyes said with warning, "If 
you hurt him—"

"I won't," Scully interrupted.  "I promise you, Monica, I 
won't."

Reyes let the paper go and Scully said softly, "Thank you.  
You won't regret giving this to me."

She hoped not, and watched Scully walk out the door.  She 
knew she'd drive up to him as soon as possible, going to a fate 
she had so desperately hoped for herself.

Doggett woke up that morning surprisingly refreshed and 
light-hearted.  He was amazed himself at his rather upbeat 
mood and hoped it was a sign that he was finally moving on.  
His time with Reyes had helped, and he felt energetic.  He put 
on his sweats and decided to take a jog around the area, 
getting some exercise as well as taking in the beautiful 
scenery.  It would do his body and spirit some good.  He felt 
that he was finally starting to heal.  Or so he hoped.  That was 
the odd thing about matters of the heart: one moment things 
are great and the next they are black again.

It was late afternoon and Doggett headed back to the cabin 
after a day of reveling in the beauty of nature around him.  He 
took a long shower and started an early dinner.  He was rather 
pleased that his appetite had come back today.  Filling water 
in a large pot, he set it on the burner and turned the heat on 
high.  He opened a can of spaghetti sauce and poured it into a 
small pot.  He was about to turn the heat under that one on too, 
when he heard the sound of an engine outside.

He walked over to the window.  By now it was twilight and 
the last rays of sun had gone to bed, yet the sky was still azure, 
at least for the next few minutes.   Looking out, he could see a 
car that had just parked about thirty yards from the cabin.  In 
the dwindling light, he could not tell the make of it, but he 
assumed that Reyes had returned, perhaps for the weekend.  
Suddenly he was thrilled at the prospect of having her 
company again and sharing his pasta dinner with her.  He 
raced to the kitchen and turned off the heat to the water and 
then hurried to the bedroom and tore off his sweats, replacing 
them with a pair of dark blue jeans and a crisp white T-shirt.  
He had just enough time to run a hand through his hair when 
he heard the expected knock on the door.

He opened it with a big smile on his face, but when he saw 
who stood behind it, his smile faded and his heart pounded in 
fresh anguish.  Dana Scully appeared before him, as beautiful 
and desirable as ever, with a look of humbleness in her eyes.  
A thousand feelings surfaced within him in a mere instance: 
love, desire, pain, anger, sadness, hope, everything but 
indifference.  He had strived for indifference during his stay at 
the cabin, but apparently had not achieved it.

"What're you doin' here?"  He asked gruffly, trying to hide his 
pain.

Seeing him for the first time in many days, Scully was hit by 
an overwhelming desire to just fling herself in his arms, but 
she restrained herself.  He looked incredibly handsome, and 
although he still had slight dark circles under his eyes, he 
appeared somewhat more rested than the last time she had 
seen him at the office.  She took a deep breath and said, "John, 
I need to talk to you, to—"

"I don't think there's much to say.  You chose Mulder, end of 
story," he said quickly, cutting her off.

"John—"

"Please, Dana, just go."  He didn't know how much longer he 
could keep his emotions in check.  Just seeing her here was 
undoing all the progress he thought he had made at trying to 
mend his heart.

"I made a mistake, John," she said softly and, although he had 
not invited her in, she stepped in the cabin, closing the door 
behind her.

He let those words sink in a bit then responded.  "By gettin' 
mixed up with me in the first place?  What, did Mulder find 
out and leave you?"  He asked, anger rising.

"No, you were not the mistake!  I should have never left you 
and gone back to Mulder.  I am so sorry!"

"You didn't answer my question.  Did Mulder leave you 
again?"  He just had to know her motivation for coming here.

"Yes, but—"

Hearing that "yes" drove another stake through his battle-worn 
heart.  "And now you wanna come back to me 'till Mulder 
returns again?!  Well it doesn't work like that!"  He was 
getting really angry.  "Do you realize what I've been through 
since you left me for him?  Do you realize how hard it is for 
me to get over you, and I come here to do just that and you 
show up to tempt me again just so I can fall for your promises 
and then have my heart stomped on when your 'truth seeker', 
Mulder, decides he needs to see you again?  I'm sorry Dana, 
but you can't jump from my bed to his and back again.  I can't 
share you!  I won't!"

Seeing how much pain Doggett was in, Scully's heart bled like 
it had been pierced by a dagger.  She felt loathsome for having 
caused it.  "John, please listen to what I have to say," she said 
placing a hand on his arm.  He tore it away like he had been 
scorched by a hot poker.  Scully's heart ached at another twist 
of the knife.  "I had already decided to leave Mulder before he 
left.  I missed you so much.  That time with you was the 
happiest of my life!  I love you, John!"  She said, desperation 
in her voice.

Hearing those words after what she had done was like a slap in 
the face, and he snapped.  Grabbing her roughly by the upper 
arms, he glared into her eyes and said, "If that's true, if you 
love me, then how could you go back to Mulder's bed after 
what we shared?!  Didn't it mean anythin' to you?"  Making 
love with her had been like finding God for the first time; it 
was so poignant and extraordinary to him.  She had taken his 
soul in their union.

"I swear to you, John, although we slept in the same bed, we 
did not make love," she said, returning his gaze.

"I find that hard to believe.  Mulder would've been all over 
you.  The man loves you in his own way."  God, he wanted to 
believe her, but he just didn't trust anything anymore.

"It's true, John, I have not slept with him since we made love.  
I couldn't!  Every night I lay in bed with Mulder next to me, 
and my thoughts were with YOU!  I remembered how you 
held me, how you touched me, how you kissed me, how you 
made love to me, and I died inside at the loss of you.   Yes, 
Mulder wanted me, but I made up excuses every time: that I 
was tired, that I had my period, whatever.  And so he'd just 
hold me and I'd wish it were your arms around me.  I silently 
cried myself to sleep almost every night, knowing the mistake 
I'd made."

Doggett was touched by her outpouring and thrilled that she 
had not slept with Mulder after their union, but he was still 
cautious.  His heart was just in too fragile a state not to be.  
"Then why'd you go back to him in the first place?  Why, 
Dana?"  The look on his face was pure anguish.

She lowered her eyes and shook her head.  "I don't really 
know.  I think mostly out of obligation for William's sake.  
But when I saw him leave us so easily time after time, I finally 
realized that we don't mean as much to him as his quests.  The 
bottom line is that I love you, John.  I want to be with you; I 
want to share my bed with you; I want to share my life with 
you."  Tears had formed in Scully's eyes and they fell as she 
said, "I am so sorry for all the pain I've caused you.  You are 
the most wonderful man I've ever known in every way, and 
I've hurt you more that I've ever hurt anyone."  More tears 
spilled from her eyes and her voice trembled as she spoke 
again, "I'm so sorry.  Please forgive me."

Tears were threatening to spill from Doggett's eyes as well as 
he said with a choked voice, "How will I know you won't go 
back to him again when he returns?  I don't think I could take 
it if you did."

She looked him directly in the eyes and said, "Because this 
time I promise you I won't.  I promise my heart to you; I 
promise my body to you; I promise my soul to you."

A single tear rolled down Doggett's cheek at her words, and all 
his pain vanished.  He grabbed her and covered her mouth 
with his in a demanding, forceful kiss.  To be kissing her like 
this was something he never thought he'd have the privilege to 
do again and his kiss reflected that.  It was desperate and 
needy and powerful.  He needed instant, tangible proof of her 
words, and pushed her against the door, continuing his rough 
and frenzied kisses, as his hands quickly roamed all over her 
body, demanding and urgent.  She yielded to him wholly and 
let him overpower her.  He hiked her skirt up to her waist and 
tore off her tiny panties, all the while devouring her mouth, his 
tongue wildly tangling with hers.  He ran his finger over her 
center and was amazed, yet pleased, to find her already wet 
and swollen.  She moaned in pleasure as he slid a couple 
fingers inside her and they were met with hot wetness, further 
confirming that she was ready for him.  She fumbled with the 
button and zipper on his jeans and within seconds his iron-
hard cock jumped free and into her hand.  Quickly she 
grabbed it and squeezed it, eliciting a low guttural moan from 
deep within him.  He was so aroused, he suddenly couldn't 
wait to be inside her and claim her has his again.  He removed 
his fingers from her core and brought first one of her legs and 
then the other around his waist so she was straddling his 
middle.  Still pressing her against the door, he drove his 
throbbing cock deep inside her.  They groaned in unison at the 
exquisite feel, and after only pausing for a second, he pumped 
into her again and again in a feral frenzy.  She matched him 
stroke for stroke and dug her nails into his back as the pressure 
mounted.  He knew at this pace he would come quickly, and 
although he wanted to give her more time to climax, his 
primitive urges and desire to possess her drove him over the 
edge and he came within her still pumping frantically.  He 
threw his head back as his orgasm ripped through him and he 
clenched her tighter to his body.  She licked, nipped and 
sucked on his exposed neck then found his mouth again and 
covered it with hers, kissing him wetly.  She tightened her legs 
around his torso and rocked herself on his still-hard penis.  His 
fingers found her nub and the fire that burned there, and 
within seconds she followed him over the peak, moaning out 
her ecstasy.  Never had she been taken so roughly or come so 
quickly before.

She lowered herself to the floor and stood on wobbly legs.  
Doggett leaned gently against her, pinning her between him 
and the door.  They were spent and panted audibly, sweat 
glistening on their flushed and sensitized skin.  

Suddenly Doggett felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and he 
couldn't meet her eyes as he said, "I'm sorry, Dana.  I didn't 
mean to be so rough and selfish.  I don't know what overcame 
me, but I just had the most intense desire to take you as fast as 
possible."  He panted the words, his breath still catching up to 
him.

She ran her fingertips through his hair and whispered in his 
ear, "Don't be sorry.  I'm not."

"But…"

Taking his face in her hands, she forced him to look into her 
eyes.  "I am yours, John.  All of me."

"But I hurt you," he said looking at the fingerprint marks that 
still burned a crimson red on the flesh of her upper arms.  
"This wasn't right."  He was ashamed.  He had been so eager 
to make her his again that his lovemaking had been so forceful 
it could almost have been called rape.

"Yes it was," she said softly, capturing his eyes with hers 
again.  "I love you, John, and I know you love me.  I wanted 
you just as much.  Please don't make it what it wasn't."  She 
smiled with love in her eyes.

He returned her smile.  "I do love you, Dana.  With my entire 
bein'.  And I want to show you how much, this time slowly 
and lovingly," he said as he gathered her in his arms and lifted 
her up.

"Umm, that sounds wonderful," she purred with a smile.  He 
kissed her tenderly and with great love and passion, all the 
way to the bedroom.


THE END


Thanks for reading!  I hope you enjoyed it!  Please send 
feedback to lsshard@cox.net.