Title: I Need To Hear You Say You Love Me Before You Say Goodbye.

Author: Tony.

Date: 26.4.02.

E-mail: crockettuk@yahoo.com

Rating: NC-17 (for steamy sexual references)

Spoilers: References to Season 8 and 9 episodes including major spoiler for episode Jump The Shark.

Keywords: MAJOR DSR (!!) MSR references.

Feedback: As this is my first X Files fic, I sure would appreciate as much comment as possible!

Archive: No problemo!

Disclaimer: Dana Scully, John Doggett and all other characters mentioned in this story are property of 1013 productions.

Summary: When Scully makes a sudden and surprising decision after a recent tragic event, Doggett realises it could be his last chance to declare his feelings for her....

I've taken the opportunity to majorly rewrite this story from its original version in light of recent tragic events on the show, in fact news of Jump The Shark has given me a new emotional springboard to kick off this tale, so be prepared for a very angsty beginning which, have no fear, builds up to a very warm and sexy finale. If i contradict any major happenings in Season 9, forgive me, i haven't seen it yet! Just working on what i've heard of the season through this dear old group.......

This story is dedicated to 3 Shoddsisters in particular: Lisa S (who has expressed great longing to read a story by me!), the delightful Gina (who does such wonderfully emotional tales of her own) and the devilish and very funny Diandra (who just loves torturing our favourite cool guy!) Hope everyone else enjoys it too....

John Doggett sat silently behind the wheel of his pick-up staring at the outside of Dana Scully's apartment building, key still in the ignition, engine still running busily, as he debated making his way inside to see her. His lean but powerful face betrayed the obvious deep concern he was feeling for her right now in light especially of the recent deaths of The Lone Gunmen. Not only did he know that she was deeply distressed at the event itself and by losing such valuable and valued friends and allies, but also he knew Scully was suffering inside with the realisation that another link to her past with Mulder had also been destroyed along with them and the very fact he had been kept away from their funeral by the apparent danger he faced had only served as a brutal reminder he was still miles away from her. Doggett knew of the pain that was eating Scully up inside and as always wanted to be there to help her through it, to comfort her, to be that solid dependable rock he wished she could cling to more and confide in more. Hell, he knew he wanted to do much more than that, to be there for her in much more intimate ways too; to finally be more than a close friend and colleague and to be her soulmate, her lover, a man who wouldn't disappear into the wilderness and leave her and her son at the mercy of dark and sinister forces he still didn't fully understand the motives of. Doggett still couldn't fathom Mulder up and leaving Scully like he did. Didn't he realise that she was even more of an open target herself without him? Didn't he realise just how much hurt and pain he caused her by constantly staying almost lost once more from her life and leaving her alone to pick up the pieces? He had stepped away when Mulder had miraculously returned from apparent death and he had finally realised the depth of Mulder and Scully's relationship by seeing the love and belonging between them before his own eyes. However much it hurt him to move away from this incredibly complex and beautiful lady for whom his feelings were so deep and equally complex, Doggett had allowed her the space to rebuild what she had lost during Mulder's abduction and form what he thought would be a new life with a man who by all accounts loved her also. And if indeed, William was truly Mulder's son, then Doggett reasoned, he had had no right to demand more from Scully than accepting his help in protecting her and being on the edges of her life. However much he loved Scully inside, he would never break her and Mulder apart. Yet those months before Mulder had returned when just he and Dana had worked together through so much, when he'd desperately tried to keep his footing while undergoing so many bizarre experiences and investigating so many off-the-wall cases, to bring an order to a new pattern of life that seemed so outright crazy and alien to him, when even what he believed Scully was telling him was so much horsecrap, he had felt such an unmistakable attraction to this intriguing woman. Doggett had never met anyone like her before in his life and knew he never would again. She was strong and fiery and fiercely committed to her work but also deeply vulnerable and needing someone to watch her back and help her. He had willingly offered to play that role and offer that protection expecting nothing in return from her, except possibly an odd rational explanation for whatever they were coming across in the mysterious world of The X Files! Especially when he became aware of Scully's hidden pregnancy, he knew he had to stand by her side, it was a given and he had no intention of leaving her and her unborn child alone in such a frightening world.....especially when he knew what that frightening world was capable of claiming....a young boy called Luke who was his son. Doggett knew he had a chance to protect this child and mother at least, even if they were not his, it was a task he knew he absolutely, defintely, ultimately, had to achieve. He would do no less for a woman he had begun to love. Now so much time had gone by, Doggett had had so much of his belief system so tested by what had occured around him. Together both Scully and Monica Reyes had opened his eyes to new ideas and new experiences that had challenged his rational mind to its core. There was still so much in the air, so much uncertainly still about where he really stood at the FBI, so much uncertainty about where he stood in Monica's eyes, a woman he also deeply cared about and was close to but not occupying that special place he carried in his heart for Dana, so much true uncertainty surrounding William and the forces out to harm him, and still uncertainty about what Scully truly felt for him. He knew without a doubt he still loved her, probably more than ever, and his heart had been truly broken when at first Scully had pushed him away following Mulder's leaving and she seemed to have lost the special trust he thought he had gained in her heart by being there for her and helping her. That behaviour Doggett knew stemmed from fear and that partly redeemed the hurt. And now it did seem she had regained her trust in him and her fondness for him........ That was why he was here, Doggett told himself, to show her he was here for her and would always be. To reinforce the trust Scully had once again placed in him and use all the strength he had to lift her from darkness when she felt so alone. Doggett turned off the pick-up's engine and began to leave the vehicle to go inside. What he was doing was right. Scully needed someone. And tonight he wanted to be there for Dana in whatever manner he could be.

When he knocked on Scully's apartment door, Doggett could hear light sobbing emanating from inside. The sound turned him deep inside, he hated to hear Dana crying, and every time she did he felt he himself was hurting too. He knocked again, softer this time.

"Dana?" He used her first name equally softly, sensing she was near the door. He heard a loud clearing of throat and the chain being pulled back from inside. The door opened slowly and Scully faced him, her blue eyes watery and strained and filled with unexpected surprise that at first Doggett could swear was mixed with embarrassment.

"Agent Doggett....it's you...."

Doggett felt a little disappointed that she had referred to him as Agent and not John. She had referred to him so much by his first name lately he had come to love how it sounded escaping her lips. It made him feel more a part of her life and closer to her. Whenever she used the term Agent these days he felt she was buidling a wall to protect herself. Then it dawned on him that he was here on her home territory, a place he had rarely been before alone except for a time when he had been asked to leave. And he sensed that even though she really trusted him again, for now she would always use the Agent term on her own homeground.

"I was in the neighbourhood, Agent Scully...." Doggett smiled, attempting to ease her by returning to a degree of formality she was probably more happy to accept right now. "An' I thought I'd step up here a moment to see how you were doin'....."

"Oh....I see." Scully still seemed nervous, but managed a light smile in return. "I'm doing pretty well.....considering what's happened lately...."

"I just thought you might fancy some company.....or a chance to talk...." Doggett sensed he was losing this battle and tried to fight his own growing apprehension. "I would never assume......but I thought I was doin' the right thing by dropping by....."

Even though she had not expected to see him here tonight of all nights, especially considering the decision she was currently making, Scully felt warm inside at his politeness and consideration, it had always warmed her inside the way he had always been with her, always respectful and not wishing to hurt or encroach on her. Always giving her the space to make her own decisions. She had felt so lousy for denying him her trust for so long and she knew inside the feelings that had really motivated him to come here and knowing that made her warm inside too, but also afraid if she really analysed that feeling......

"I appreciate you coming by, I really do, Agent Doggett....but its late, and i'm into some things right now and....."

Scully noticed Doggett's eyes were now focused past her and locked on the unmistakable pair of suitcases propped up in the far corner of the living room behind her. Sudden panic filled her expression as she realised that he had seen what she truly hadn't wished him to see.

"I couldn't help but notice, Agent Scully......are you goin' somewhere?"

"It's late, Agent Doggett....and I have to...."

Scully found herself closing the door on him and Doggett's arm assertively but not forcefully prevent her from doing so.

"Dana...." He knew he had to use her first name again now. "Please....tell me what you're doin'.....I'm here to help......Let me help you...."

"You're leavin?!" Doggett couldn't believe what Scully had just told him.

She was visibly trembling before him and fighting desperately to control it with little success. He wanted to bury that shaking body in his arms until the trembling stopped, he wanted to absorb that unease into his own body and get rid of it. But right now he wanted to know the reason why Scully was about to do what she said.

"I have to...." Tears began to form in her eyes and she tried desperately to stop them from falling onto her face, biting her lip. "I've seen too much and I really can't take any more, I really can't.....losing the Gunmen brought home just how much death and loss I've suffered over these years....how much I continue to lose around me.....and I want to go where noone can find me.......go somewhere just me and William......somewhere away from the deaths and the conspiracies and the lies......I can't face them anymore, John.....I can't....."

"You're runnin' away?" Doggett's face betrayed his total disbelief. "You've never run away from anything long as i've known you...."

"There comes a time when it becomes too much....." Scully's voice was audibly broken now. "and that time has come.....I feel so swamped.....like I'm stuck in the biggest never- ending X File of all and I want......need some peace.....a normal life.....a normal life with my son......just the two of us....."

Doggett knew his next words would cut right through her but he had to ask the question.

"What about Muldah?"

Her blue eyes jolted with the very mention of the name and Doggett hated to see the hurt one name could produce physically in her. He knew he had taken a big risk by speaking it, knew any minute Scully could explode with anger and tell him to go even more strongly than before. But he had to use Mulder, maybe to bring Scully back to a sense of reason.

"He's never coming back.....I just know it...."

Hearing Dana Scully say those words was shocking for John Doggett to hear. She had always had such a belief in the man even when it seemed what he was doing was so irresponsible or wrong. It seemed almost like someone committing blasphemy hearing her make that confession to him while he was in her house. It was something he never thought he'd ever hear her say and now he was truly afraid.

Not only afraid for Scully's well-being and her life and soul.

But afraid this time he was really gonna lose her, absolutely and totally.

"I can't be with a ghost, John...." Scully continued, her back turned to him to hide the tears freely falling now. "And that's what he has become, out there, somewhere....I don't know whether he's alive or dead....whether I still have a father for my child.....whether a man I loved still breathes......and being at that funeral the other day.....the funeral of men who meant so much to him.....dear old friends of his....and him not being there to see them laid to rest......brought it home.....how he can never be here again....because he's ran too.....away from me.....away from William....away from the X Files.....because It's too much for him to bear now too.....and God, I know how that feels....I really, really do....."

Doggett watches her as her body becomes wracked with her sobbing, his own eyes now full of tears, watching this woman he cares for so much bare her soul and her total fear to him. He stands straight and approaches her. He just wants to hold her, to bury her in his body, to let her know it is wrong not to live, to give up, she is still safe and there is a man here who isnt a ghost who is not afraid to love her for as long as she needs it from him.

"I was leaving a note for you, John, to tell you why I was going....to thank you for all you did for me and William.....and to apologise for shutting you out when you wanted to help me again....It's over there.....I didn't expect you to be here before I left...."

"It's ok...." Doggett comes behind her, reaching to touch her shoulder.

"You've done so much for me......and I felt such a coward writing it......but I...."

"Shh.....it's ok, Dana, it's ok.....com'ere..."

Scully turns to face him and she sees so clearly for probably the first time she will really acknowledge it how much John Doggett truly loves her. His arms are open to embrace her and she willingly enters that embrace. In this single fragile human moment, she needs to be held and she knows in her heart no one will do it better than John Jay Doggett. He holds her quivering body close to his and she buries her face in his shoulder, her tears soaking into the material of his casual jacket. He feels her hair, lustrous and soft as ever on the side of his face, smells the scent of her perfume, the warmth and closeness of her inside his strong arms and closes his eyes, physically joining her in a place far away from here, a place he often goes to in his dreams where he's held and protected her many times......

He opens his eyes to find her blue eyes staring into his. He sees something new there. Something revealed, a barrier stripped away. He goes to speak, but Scully beats him to it.

"You want to know why i pushed you away?"

Doggett's eyebrows furrow.

"Because I realised I could love you so damn easily...."

"Dana, I...." he begins.

"Kiss me, Agent Doggett." Even through the pain, her face is lined with a light but visible smile, her eyes now full of a desire for something.

"Why?" Doggett asks, then feels so foolish for asking such a stupid goddamn question.

"Because I need you to...."

Scully sees that unmistakable concern and forth-rightness fill Doggett's gaze once again.

"I won't take advantage of you, Dana, how you feel right now.....I couldn't....."

Scully's smile widens.

"I know you wouldn't.....you never would.....all I'm asking for is a kiss.....because I really need it from you right now......what happens after......"

Doggett speaks quietly, carefully.

"I'll kiss you if it'll keep you here....because I dont want ya' to leave, Agent Scully..."

Scully moves closer, their faces inches apart now, she can feel his warm breath on her face, he can feel hers.

"Then make me stay....give me a reason to stay......please."

"I love you....Dana.....I gotta tell ya' now.....I love you."

"I know."

"I'm afraid, Dana....really afraid."

Their faces are so close, lips nearly touching.

"I am too."

Their lips meet. They both jolt with the sensation. It is a light kiss, smooth, gentle. They pull away and look into each others eyes, holding onto each other.

For several minutes they just look at each other. Doggett wipes the stained tears from Scully's skin. They just stand there; close, hot, tight together.

"Dana..."

Doggett's voice is the quietest softest Scully has ever heard him.

"Just one thing I need.....I need to hear you say you love me.....before you say goodbye."

Scully's eyes are so blue and full and hungry now.

"I'm not saying goodbye."

Their mouths meet again but this time forcefully, attacking each other with a lustful ferocity, an urgentness of sudden released desire. The kissing is deep, wet and almost animalistic as Scully and Doggett devour each other, the force of Scully's body wrapped in his pushing Doggett back against the far wall. He tastes her tongue wrapping around his and he responds in kind, both of them savouring each other as he runs his fingers wildly through her shiny red hair, messing it up as he continues to share such an arousing and torrid kiss with her. They break apart, breathing heavily.

"Dana.......William....."

"He's asleep, I moved the cot out of the bedroom....I was gonna wake him soon..."

Doggett notices the cot in the middle of the darkened room and William asleep under the covers. He relaxes and Scully kisses him again, taking his arm.

"Come into my bed, John. I need you there."

"Dana...."

"I need you, John.....I want you."

They fall onto the bed, tearing at each others clothes in the pale blue glare of a low moon, its light illuminating them as they begin to expose their covered flesh to the night air. The kisses become even more urgent and passionate as Scully peels off and throws Doggett's jacket to the floor, tearing at his shirt to expose his lean and muscled torso beneath. It is one of the strongest looking most well-defined male bodies she has ever seen and the sight truly excites her. Buttons fall to the bed as Doggett works on removing her white blouse revealing her curved and fully-rounded breasts accentuated beautifully by a black lace bra. He savours her deep cleavage, the outlines of her nipples through the dark fabric.

"You're beautiful, Dana.....damn beautiful...."

They fall backward, his strong chest pressing into her, he feels her bra-covered breasts pressing into his skin as they eat each other in another deep kiss. Scully cannot believe the effects his kisses have on her body, she already feels wet just by this intitial contact and is fighting to control her rapidly beating heart as Doggett's hands traverse up her skirt and along her stockinged thighs. He reaches the spot between them where her sodden black panties are and feels just how aroused she is. He cannot believe he is touching the woman he has loved for so long in this way and savours every inch of her body as he caresses and strokes it. He unbuttons her skirt and Scully raises her legs as he slides it down over her shapely thighs. She lies before him as he removes his jeans letting them fall to the bedroom floor and reveal what Scully sees is a rapidly rearing erection beneath the pair of stars and stripes boxers he wears. She giggles as she realises his patriotism extends even to his under- wear, forgetting momentarily the pain that brought them both to this moment.

He joins her on the bed and they roll in each others arms as Doggett unhooks her bra, allowing her shapely breasts to bounce free and unfettered. He squeezes and kneeds them, taking her nipples in his mouth and lightly biting them as Scully runs her hands down his toned back, lightly scraping her fingernails down his naked spine and reaching her hands behind him to manipulate his tight toned buttocks, her grip ministering the cheeks of his impressive ass. Soon the bed is completely messed up as Doggett tears away Scully's panties and his pants too are ripped away as their lovemaking becomes more urgent and more agressive. Their naked bodies are stuck together with sweat now Scully's breasts squashed against Doggett's muscular chest as he locks her legs to the bed with his own and touches and squeezes every inch of her body under him, Scully's teeth locking into his naked shoulder and biting as Doggett moves lower to press his mouth against her flooding clitoris. She holds him down there hard, her body arching her face flushed and streaked scarlet as he teases her open with his expert tongue. Then it is his turn to lie back as Scully's mouth envelops Doggett's hard and rigid cock, its thickness disappearing between her ruby lips as she sucks on him hungrily, savouring the drops of thick pre-come that weep from the head. He moans throatily and messes up her red hair even more in a signal for him to take his cock in her working mouth faster and deeper. She jerks its base as she sucks him, and begins to feel the first unmistakable signs that he is coming. She pulls away and looks right into his eyes.

"I love you, John. You needed me to say it. I'm saying it. I love you."

He runs his finger along her glistening lips and she takes it inside her mouth, sucking on it provocatively as he smiles.

"I'm glad you didn't make me come. I want to come in you, Dana."

"I know you do...." Scully whispers, removing his wet finger and rolling over to the side. ""Come behind me and put it in me......Oh God put it in me, John.....I want to feel it....."

Scully arches her sweat-soaked back, raising her full toned buttocks in the air. As she reaches out with her hands to grip the bedhead, she exhales loudly as she feels Doggett enter her, his chest pressing into her spine as he begins to thrust in and out of her. She grips the bedhead white-knuckled as Doggett begins to pound her from behind, his hands reaching around and squeezing her breasts tight as his hard body impacts against hers. He brings her face to his, pulling on her red hair as they share a passionate unsteady kiss, their bodies and breathing fevered and spraying sweat as they both approach a climax.

"I'll never leave, Dana....." Doggett pants in her dampened ear. "I love you and I'll never leave you alone......You'll never be alone again.......i....promise...you...."

"I know......" Scully pants, their bodies moving as one now.

"Harder, John....dont hold back."

"Dana......oh god, I want you, baby......"

"I want you....I want you bad, John......real bad......"

"Im gonna come, Dana....."

"Do it, John. Do it......"

"Turn your head, Dana.....I want to look in your eyes...."

Scully's blue eyes blaze at him with new-found fire as he speeds up his thrusts into her. Their gazes locked, looking deep into the realms of each others minds and soaking up the unconditional love they've allowed themselves to now feel for each other.

Scully begins to buck with the rise of her own impending orgasm and reaches her peak as Doggett releases himself inside her, her body quivering under his, her breathing ragged and broken as her flushed body climaxes on his powerful cock, soaking him as he finishes a powerful ejaculation inside her body. He watches her eyes roll in release and abandon and for a second Doggett sees the vulnerability again beneath those powerful blue eyes as comes down from his own climax, realising just how much it means to finally make love to this extraordinary and beautiful woman.

"Oh....John....."

They lie together as they slowly begin to recover their breath, Scully feeling so complete and sheltered, so warm in Doggett's embrace. He turns her over and kisses her lightly on the lips. He is surprised when he sees tears forming in her eyes again.

"Dana?" he whispers concerned.

"I'm ok....." Scully whispers as light tears release themselves. "I just feel..... safe......and I know I dont have to run anymore......especially from you...."

"You never had to, Dana." Doggett whispers pulling Scully close to him and losing himself in her.

"Neither of us had to, baby."