"Just Say Goodbye"
by Andra Marie Mueller
Rating: G
Summary: After the events of "Existence", Mulder comes to a heartbreaking conclusion.
Author's Note: This story takes place approximately forty-eight hours after the 8th season finale, “Existence”.
DISCLAIMER: All things X Files are the legal property of Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions, 20th Century Fox, etc.
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"If I know what love is, it is because of you." - Herman Hesse
Once he made the decision, it was almost a relief. The choice he needed to make had been a heavy burden, and now its weight was lifted from his shoulders. All that remained was to tell her, and that would be the hardest part of all.
How do I tell the other half of my soul and the mother of my son that I have to walk away from her?
If he had been less selfish, Mulder would have walked away a long time ago, before Fate and whatever powers that be existed had decreed that Dana Scully become such an integral part of his life. Before she became his life. Before they had been granted the miracle of their son.
He supposed he should take some small comfort in knowing that at least this time, she would not be alone. John Doggett had more than proven his loyalty to his partner, and Mulder knew the other man would sacrifice his own life before allowing harm to befall Scully or little Will. And he knew without a doubt that Doggett did not approve of Mulder risking his own life or Scully’s for his seemingly eternal quest.
"How long can you keep this up? How long until the next Billy Miles rears his head? The next threat? The next phantom? Do you ever stop to ask yourself? All the sacrifice, the blood spilled...you've given' nearly a decade of your life. Where the hell is it all gonna end?"
Then as now, Mulder had no real answer. But the events of the last several days had made it clear that staying with Scully and Will was not an option.
“Mulder?”
The softly spoken inquiry interrupted his melancholy musings, and he glanced over to see Scully standing a few feet away. Forcing a smile, he asked, “Where’s Will?”
“Sleeping.”
“You should probably be doing the same,” Mulder replied.
She smiled. “Only if I can convince you to tuck me in.”
His smile widened. “Best offer I’ve had all week.”
Rising to his feet, Mulder accepted her outstretched hand and allowed her to lead him into the bedroom. Scully shed her robe and deposited on the back of a nearby chair before climbing into her bed and pulling the covers around her. Mulder climbed on the bed from the other side and helped her adjust the covers to her liking before gently pulling her into his arms. Settling against his chest, Scully released a heavy sigh and closed her eyes, enjoying the simple pleasure of being in his arms as he gently ran his hand up and down her back. Emotionally and physically exhausted, she wanted nothing more than to close her eyes and allow the oblivion of sleep to claim her. But her intuitive knowledge of the man beside her told her that something was on his mind, and knowing from experience he wouldn’t volunteer the information, Scully decided to ask him about it.
“What’s troubling you, Mulder?”
“What makes you think something’s troubling me?” Mulder evaded.
“You mean aside from the fact that you’ve barely managed to say ten words in the past twenty-four hours and that you keep following Will and me with your eyes when you think I’m not watching?” Scully returned dryly.
Damn she’s good, Mulder thought wryly. Aloud he said, “Maybe I’m just admiring the view.”
“Nice try. Talk to me.”
“You don’t want to hear what I have to say.”
A pause. “You’re not staying.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“After everything that’s happened over the last few days that should be obvious,” Mulder answered. “As long as I’m a part of your lives, you and Will remain targets. I won’t risk anything happening to either of you. If I leave, I take the threat with me.”
“Take us with you,” Scully requested.
He felt his heart twist. “I wish I could, but where I’m going is no place for you or our son. The safest place for you to be is here, surrounded by people who care about you and can protect you.”
She lifted her head to meet his gaze, her crystal blue eyes shimmering with unshed tears. “So I’m just supposed to accept that and let you walk out of my life? I won’t do that. I can’t.”
He lifted his hands to gently cup her face. “You don’t have a choice,” he countered softly. “You and Will are my life, Dana, and everything I know about love I learned from you. But I can’t stay here knowing that it will eventually prove to be a fatal choice. Somehow I have to find a way to stop this insanity and get my life back.”
“Where will you go?”
“I don’t know yet, but even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you. The less you know, the safer you are.”
“Are you coming back?”
“Yes. I don’t know when, or how, but there will come a day when I can return to you and Will without fearing for your lives. And when that day comes, we’ll never be apart again.”
“So that’s it then,” Scully replied. “We just say goodbye and go our separate ways.”
“For now that’s the way it has to be.”
She nodded. “Will you make me a promise?”
“If I can.’
“Promise me that wherever you go, you’ll know that Will and I are with you, and that we love you. And no matter how long it takes, when you come home, we’ll be here waiting.”
Mulder gave her a loving smile. “Cross my heart.”
They exchanged a kiss, then Mulder wiped away the tears trickling down her face before Scully again settled against his chest. Her battle against sleep was lost within minutes, the sound of Mulder’s heartbeat lulling her into dreamland.
When she awoke several hours later to the cries of her hungry son, Mulder was gone.
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The End
