Title: Letting Go (1/1)
Author: L. M. Shard
Date: 5-6-02
E-mail: lsshard@cox.net
Website: www.geocities.com/thefoxandhoundx_filessite 
Rating: G
Category: V
Keywords: DSF, DSR, Doggett POV
Spoilers: "Release"
Feedback: Yes, please!
Archive: Anywhere
Disclaimer: Chris Carter, 1013, and Fox own these lovely 
characters.
Summary: An alternate ending and a post-ep to "Release".



LETTING GO
By L. M. Shard



Barbara and I stood in the cold ocean water, the small waves 
lapping at our shoes, drenching our pant legs.  I looked at 
the gold-hued metal box in my hand, carefully, lovingly 
reading the inscription: Luke Doggett, January 9, 1986 - 
August 13, 1993.  I glanced at Barbara, who stood slightly 
behind me, her body close to mine, her hand gripping my 
arm firmly.  Slowly I opened the box and within seconds the 
gentle breeze caught Luke's ashes in its delicate grasp and 
distributed them into the blue, powerful ocean.  Just like 
that, what we physically had remaining of him was gone, 
scattered effortlessly by the wind.

My heart ached so much I thought it would stop beating 
right then and there, but the slight pressure from Barbara's 
hand on my arm made me realize that I was not the only one 
grieving and that was just enough to give me the minuscule 
shred of strength I needed to hand her the now-empty box.  
She accepted it and, without a word, turned and walked 
away from me, leaving me utterly alone.   How I had needed 
to hold her close to me at that moment, the mother of our 
precious son, the woman I had loved, still loved, for so 
many years.  But she was beyond that now.  In the years 
since Luke's death, she put her energy into moving on with 
life, a life she chose to live without me, while I kept looking 
for his killer, following any obscure lead, no matter how 
slim or insane.  I could not let it go and, in doing so, I lost 
the last member of our little family.

I watched her go, walking further and further away from 
me, until my eyes caught the outline of another figure 
standing next to my truck in the distance.  Suddenly I 
realized I needed her even more than Barbara and walked 
toward the patient figure waiting for me.

I reached her and her face reflected the pain she knew must 
have been in my heart.  There were no words to say at that 
moment and I let myself fall into her embrace, her arms 
immediately encompassing me, offering the comfort I so 
craved.  I pulled her as tightly against myself as I could 
without breaking her delicate bones and buried my face into 
her neck.  The modicum of strength I had had just minutes 
ago vanished and all my grief resurfaced like a tidal wave 
and broke the dam around my heart, allowing me to let it 
flow out in the security of her arms.  She held me as tightly 
as I held her, trying to absorb the shaking of my anguished 
body.  I don't know how long it was that we stood there like 
that, like two people glued to one another, but by the time I 
felt I could let her go, I felt amazingly better, almost reborn.

"Let me take you home," she whispered, her blue eyes filled 
with compassion as her fingers tenderly wiped at my tears.  
Her auburn hair shined radiantly in the sunlight, the glow 
resembling a halo to me.  It was fitting, for she was angelic 
in my eyes.

Without another word, she took the keys that I had just 
gathered out of my pocket from my hand and opened the 
driver's side door.  We both sat ourselves in the truck and 
drove in silence.

That rebirth I had initially felt in her arms just minutes 
before became increasingly clearer to me as we drove 
toward my house.  Finally, after nine endless and torturous 
years, I had found Luke's killer and justice was served, as 
much justice as there was in this world.  And now that his 
murder was resolved, Barbara and I had let his ashes out to 
sea to play in the waves for eternity.  It was time to let go, 
and I found that I already had.  A peace I hadn't felt in the 
last nine years settled and took root in my heart and I felt 
literally lighter.  It utterly amazed me at how quickly it 
happened, but I was grateful, and now it was time to move 
on and let life in again.

I looked over at Dana and could see that she was overcome 
with sympathy for me, but was trying to be strong and 
supportive.  If she only knew what strength and support she 
did provide for me, not just today, but on a daily 
basis...well, that was one of the many things I wanted to tell 
her, and I knew the time had come -- soon, when I had her 
undivided attention.  I took her right hand in mine and held 
it for the rest of the trip, feeling the strength, comfort, and 
love flow from it into me.

Arriving at my house, she gave my hand a little squeeze 
before letting it go and put the truck in park, then killed the 
engine.  She turned and looked at me, her emotion-filled 
eyes an open book.

"John...do you want to be alone?"

"No," I said.  I definitely did not want to be alone anymore.  
"Can you come inside for a while?"

"Of course," she said without hesitation, a slight smile on 
her lips.  I think she was surprised at my answer.

We walked to the front door in silence and entered the 
house.  I hung my jacket on a hook near the door and took 
off my waterlogged shoes and socks.

"Can I offer you something to drink?"

"No, thank you," she said, her voice gentle.  "Come sit 
down with me."  She patted the couch, her smile promising 
comfort and refuge.

I sat down next to her and she wrapped one arm around my 
lower back, another around my stomach, and laid her head 
softly against my chest.  I gathered her in my arms as well 
and held her close, resting my chin on her silky hair.  How 
did she know exactly what I needed?  No questions, no "I'm 
sorrys", no pity, no "tell me how you feel", just her, her 
presence, her warmth, her - dare I hope - love.

We sat like that for a long, long time, until her soft voice 
broke the stillness.  "Follmer's in jail, pending bail.  He's 
expected to get life in prison."  An anguished silence 
followed and then she continued, "I'm so glad you weren't 
the one who killed Regali."  The relief in her voice was 
obvious.

"I would've.  He just beat me to it," I said.  It was the brutal 
truth; one I knew she did not like hearing.  I had had every 
intention of ending that scum's life myself that day and had 
Follmer not done it, there would have been nothing that 
would have stopped me.  I was damn glad Regali was dead.  
Scum like that didn't deserve to walk this earth.  But now, 
now that I've cooled off a bit, I'm relieved I wasn't the one 
who pulled the trigger.  Follmer would be paying a high 
price for what he did and as happy as I was that Regali was 
dead and as much as I disliked Follmer, I felt guilty that he 
was paying that price and not me.  After all, I would have, 
had fate not stepped in at the last possible moment.

Dana sat up and looked at me, profound emotion darkening 
her indigo eyes.  "Don't get me wrong; I'm glad you got 
your justice and I understand you having wanted to do it 
yourself, but I don't think I could have handled you paying 
that price.  To visit you everyday in prison, knowing you'd 
never be free, never be..."

She didn't finish her sentence and for an instant I wondered 
why, until I saw the answer in her eyes.  It was the first time 
I had ever seen her display that emotion so clearly.  It was 
unmistakable: she loved me!  Was this new or was it always 
there?  Did it take the freeing of my heart and soul to 
actually see it?  It did not matter, for I saw it now.  I knew I 
had fallen for Dana Scully the moment I had met her, but 
my heart was too burdened, too anguished to let her, or any 
other woman for that matter, in.  But now everything was 
different: I was free and I wanted, needed to let her in. 

She lowered her eyes and I placed my fingers gently under 
her chin, urging her to meet my gaze once again.  She did 
and I spoke.  "I am free, Dana, in more ways than one.  
Havin' Luke's murder solved has brought me some closure 
and freed my heart, somethin' I closed off and buried with 
work and leads and possibilities and an endless amount of 
pain.  I wouldn't let anyone in; that's why my marriage 
failed, even though I needed Barbara more than I could ever 
say.  But now I'm free and ready to let love in again."

Before I could continue, Dana whispered, "Monica."

Was that what she thought; that I loved Monica and wanted 
to let her in my heart?

"Barbara told me that if you would just let her in, she 
thought you and Monica would make a perfect couple."  Did 
I hear a slight tinge of jealously in her voice?

"Barbara said that?"  That was news to me!  "Well, she's 
wrong.  I do love Monica.  She's my best friend and I need 
her in my life.  She's been there for me through my darkest 
times, but I'm not in love with her."

Dana looked at me, her brows arched, as surprise claimed 
her beautiful face.

"I'm in love with you," I said softly, studying her face.  It 
was filled with a myriad of deep emotions.

"Oh, John," she breathed and leaned toward me.  I captured 
her lips with mine in the most tender of kisses.  When we 
parted, tears were in her eyes and she whispered, "I love 
you."

Any remnants of pain that had been in my heart vanished 
and my heart filled completely with my love for her.  I felt 
alive and free.  I was home at last.  Gathering her into my 
arms, I kissed her again, feeding off of the love she so freely 
gave me and letting my love for her flow just as freely.  

I knew at that moment that my rebirth was complete and 
that I would be living life again, a life that had been on hold 
for nine long years.


THE END