Title: Lost souls

Author: Jessica   ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Rating: PG

Category:DSR

Spoiler: This is not happening

Archive: Whereever..Just let me know where

Feedback: Yes, PLEASE:...j_rothen@yahoo.se

Summary: Doggett comfort Scully after finding Mulder dead.

Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine. 

Note: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistake may occur.


The morning sun wouldn't dare make its presence known in 
the bedroom. I'm lying her watching her sleep. Her face is
so calm. All the pain that has marked her face over the years
are gone and peace has painted her face in beautiful colors. 
I know that it's over. I know that I have to let her go. It's
not my place to lay here beside her. I know that now. I have
accepted that. But still I linger here not wanting to leave
just yet. I will not forget the night that has passed. I got
to taste heaven. I know that no promises were given but still
I want to taste more. But it's not my decision. I have to
cherish this moment. 
My hand tremble a bite as I reach out and stroke her cheek.
Her skin is soft under my hand. I know now that she's an angel.
I never doubted that. No I know. All I can do now is remember.

Five hours earlier.
I'm standing here outside her door searching for the right 
words to say to her. But I can't find the right ones to
mend her heart. I know there are none. I know all to well 
about her heartache. The pain that rips your soul apart and
the sorrow that crushes your heart. I know that no words can
help. But still I'm standing here wanting to say something to
wipe away all the sorrow life has brought her. 
Mulder has come back into her life. When I first started on
the X-files I never in my life believed that we were going
to find Mulder as we did. Dead. I didn't her to see him but
I knew that nothing could keep her from him. I just wanted
to spare her from the pain. I know it was foolish to think 
that I could protect from that but I wanted to try. Now we
are here. Mulder is dead and it's nothing I can do to bring
him back. I wish I could. I wish I could wipe away the sorrow
I can see in her eyes. I want to take away her pain. 
My heart is racing as I knock on her door. She's so pale. 
She gives me a smile and lets me in to her world. She 
tries so hard to not show how this is hurting her. She walks
around with a wall around her heart determent not to let me in.
I stand there in the middle of her living room looking like
a fool. She looks at me with those eyes and I can feel myself
melting. I want to say something. I want to do something. 
My arms longs to hold her. I need to feel her close. I move
slowly, not wanting to scare her away. She doesn't move away.
I look down at her and whisper:
- Let me hold you.
She doesn't object. It feels so good when I rap my arms around
her. She fits so perfectly in my arms. 
- I wish that I knew what to say to take away your pain. 
- You can't save me this time, John.
- Don't say that. I'm here for you.
- I know. Just hold me.
We stand there for a while and I hold her as tight as she lets
me. I don't want to let go of her. She slips form my arms and
she stumbles backwards. She's crying now.
- Why him? Why there? I never got to say goodbye to him.
- Scully, I...
She walks up to the window and turns her back to me. 
- I never got to hold him. I will never see his beautiful smile
again. I will never feel his arms around me again.
As I stand there listening to her words I can feel my heart
shatter. I have been a fool think that I could fill his shoes.
It was foolish to believe that I could ever make her feel for
me. I know that it's wrong to think about that now. I'm being
selfish but I can't help myself. I can't stop my heart from
loving her. 
- Scully, you can survive this.
She turns around with her eyes filled with tears.
- How do you know?! I loved him. I loved him more than I 
thought was possible. How can you stand there saying that I can
make it through? You don't know about my pain.
- I know..
- No, you don't know. You don't know about the pain that rips
through you heart with such force that you can't breathe. Then
the panic. Then the disbelief. The thoughts about why, what if.
You don't know. You can't know.
She is talking about pain. She doesn't know that pain is a 
friend of mine. I move closer to her. 
- Don't say that. I do know. I do know.
- Stop saying that. You can't know. Oh, just leave. I don't
want you here. Leave me alone. I never asked you to come!
I reach out and take her hand but she slips from my grasp.
- I know. I had a son. I know about the sorrow. I know how
it can bring you down. I know about everything that you are
feeling right now because I have been in the same position.
His name was Luke and I loved him more than I ever thought
was possible. He was my miracle. He was taken from my arms and
he was murdered. I never knew why or by whom. I doubt that I 
will ever know. I held his fragile body. I was the one that
carried him to the ambulance. So don't talk about me not 
knowing, because I do know. I know all to well.
She moves closer to me without saying a word. Then she takes
her hand and brushes away some tears that has left its marks
on my cheek. I didn't know that I had been crying. Being so
close to her makes me feel dizzy. I can't move and I have
a hard time breathing. She looks at me with such sorrow and
whisper:
- I'm so sorry.
I believe her. She doesn't move away as I move close to her. 
I know it might be foolish but I don't care anymore. I don't
care about what is proper and right. I just want to kiss her.
I lean down and taste her lips. She doesn't object. She pulls
me closer to her and I feel myself falling. She tastes like
heaven and hell all rapped up in one. I break away from her 
fearing that I crossed the line but she reaches out for me 
and say:
- Don't.
I go to her without hesitation. I know that we might be doing
a mistake but I don't care. I want her. I lift her up in my
arms and carries her into her bedroom. No words are needed.
The moon is the only light in the room. Her skin looks like
made of silver in the moonlight. I undress her slowly. My hands
are trembling as I remove every item. Then she stands before
me in all her beauty. My whole body and soul screams out for
her. I rise and walk up to her. She looks at me and I can see
all the sorrow that lives there. I take her hand in mine and
whisper in the darkness of the room:
- I will never hurt you.
- I know.
We stand there for a while. I take her in my arms and kiss her
lips. She opens herself up for me without hesitation. She leads
me to her bed and she gives me such a beautiful smile. 
I don't want to think about the future. I just want to forget
for a while and just show her how much I love her. I smile
back at her and lean down and kisses her.

Now I'm laying her watching her sleep. I will never regret 
this night. But I know that I will have to let her go. I'm not
the one she loves. I wish sometimes that I could make her love
me. But I know that I can't and I wouldn't want that kind of
love. So I'm going to leave her. I will accept that she 
doesn't love me. Just give me till morning so I can give up
fighting. 
I slip from her bed before the morning sun shines into the
room. I dress and before I leave I linger in the doorway
looking back at the bed. I will not regret this. I have my
memories.
I will survive.

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