Title: Mere Existence

Author: spookycc

Rating: PG 13 +/-.

Classification: V A  Doggett-friendly.

Summary: Post ep for "Existence" - First-person Doggett POV

Spoilers: Specifically, for "Existence". To be safe, for S8 so far.

Disclaimer: No characters, human or canine, are mine. And no dogs were
harmed in the making of this fanfic. :)~

MSR shippers, bail now! This ain't no place fer you.

Feedback welcomed at spookycc@earthlink.net

Archive: I'll take care of ephemeral and Gossamer. SHODDS and Doggship
li-berry  , please help yourself, ok? Anyone else please drop me a line
to let me know where it'll be living.

Dedication: As ever, to Doggett's Bitch (f/k/a "Fox's Vixen" :). My
soulmate, always. One who feels Doggett's pain as keenly as I do.

And for girlassassin, most loyal fan of my work, if not of DSR , and
great friend. 

No beta-reader was used. All typos are my own.

Author's Notes at end.

****

"Mere Existence"


I drive down this street more often, as her time away from the X-Files pulls
me farther from them as well. I mean, I wasn't exactly a "natural" for this
line of work - I received gratification by our interaction in solving the
cases thrown to - or *at* - us.

I slow my truck, as I always do when I pass by her apartment building. I'm
no stalker. I just wanna make sure everything is ok. And this is as close as
I *know* I can come in order to do that.

Ever since Mulder's been back, it's been damned confusing. I didn't ask for
the feelings I have for Agent Scully. And now that Mulder is back, I don't
know how to - or even if I should - act on them.

I remember walking into Mulder's hospital room, when he was hovering between
death and life, and finding Agent Scully there, his hand in hers. It tore me
apart. She was setting herself up for a huge emotional crash if Mulder
didn't make it back. I don't know what she would have done if that happened.
I don't know what *I* would have done, either.

I tried to get her to leave for awhile, to be open to getting *on* with
life. To preserve what little of her wasn't *already* a part of him and be
able to move on. 

I know how she felt, now. If it was Scully sick or dying, I would be at her
side - if he wasn't already there. My heart would be there, regardless.

The main door of Scully's apartment building opens, letting out three men I
know from brief acquaintance on the X-Files. The Lone Gunmen. I almost smile
as I pull into a vacant parking spot across the street. They climb into a
shitty-looking old VW bus. After a few minutes of engine-grinding and a puff
of black smoke from the exhaust pipe, they are gone. Leaving me alone with
my thoughts again.

Maybe I should go up to see her now. I haven't been by since she got home
from the hospital with her new baby. I don't even know what his name is. My
mind flashes back to the night when my wife and I brought Luke home for the
first time. Luke John, our first child of many, we hoped. We were so happy.

I shake my head to clear it of those images.

I can't decide whether it's ok to go up. The lights are on - I can see them
from here. But is it too late? Would I wake the baby? Is she still not
feeling well? Is she tired from her other visitors?

...Is *he* there?

I heave a sigh. My life at the FBI used to be so fulfilling. The fast track.
The respect of my fellow agents. Hell, I had the ear of the director, many
said. 

And now I'm the sole proprietor of the X-Files. Spooky Jr. I had to keep
myself from punching Agent Roberts the other day, when he called me that.
Asshole...

The only thing that made work on the X-Files tolerable - pleasurable, in
fact - is gone now. She's right across the street. She has a new life. A new
son. And Mulder. What do I have?

I make my decision. I want to see her. God, I *need* to see her.

I have to make sure she's ok.

I have to make sure *I'm* ok.

I pull the key from the ignition and open the door. As I slip the key in to
lock the door from the outside, I allow myself a look upstairs, at her
windows. Just making sure she's still up. I don't want to wake her.

I squint a bit. I'm almost not sure I'm looking at the right window.

It's hers. The light plays in shadows across the closed blinds.

I see Scully.

And I see Mulder.

In a clearly non-partnerlike embrace. The shadowed profile of a kiss.

My breath catches in my throat. I feel like I've been sucker-punched.

Still standing against my truck, I don't even realize that I've laid my head
against the door. I bow my head, and let the tears fall. The tears that have
been burning to be shed since the moment I saw her with him in the hospital
that night. Her head resting on his chest like it fit there. Like she was a
part of him.

She *is* a part of him. And he of her.

Where does that leave me?

I did more than watch Scully's back. I cared for her. More than I've allowed
myself to care for *anyone* since I lost my son, and then my wife.

I care for her so much. But it's clear she doesn't need me anymore.

Her mother's words flow back to me, unbidden. We talked the day of Mulder's
funeral. "No one else could ever be what Fox was to Dana," she had chosen
her words carefully. "A relationship like that - we're lucky to have *one*
of those in a lifetime. Many people won't ever even have *one*."

I know she was right.

What the hell was I thinking?

I could hardly compete with Mulder when he was *dead*. And now...

I can't compete for what he shares with Scully. It's even more than Scully's
mother thought it was. Even greater than my greatest fears...

I bite my lip until it bleeds, needing the tears to stop. Needing to get
away from here. Rooted to the spot.

I open the truck door, and get back inside. Suddenly weary. What the hell
does it matter, anyway? Why do I even get up and go into work in the morning
anymore? To save *his* crusade? *His* life's work?

While he lays claim to the one who brought light to my lonely life.

As I key the ignition to life, I look back up once more toward Scully's
window. Glutton for punishment.

The light is out.

And no one left after the Gunmen.

And suddenly I know.

I know how Scully felt when she lost Mulder.

That's how I feel right now.


~fini~


Author's Notes: 

This was written to purge the bitter feelings that are still plaguing me
after "Existence". I haven't written an "Essense" fic.  Hell, I haven't even
posted my Alone fic yet... But this needed to be written. Jawn hadn't spoken
to me since "Existence" and he needed to talk...

It dawned on me while Jawn was talkin' to me. I'm not so much pissed at what
the kiss meant to M & S. Or that the freakin' baby was human (maybe)... Or
even that we have to wait until November to see a new ep.


I'm cryin' fer Jawn.


Thanks for the proof-read and the advice, "Vixen" :)