Title: Still holding out for you

Author: Jessica   ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Rating: PG

Category: ?

Spoiler: Within

Summary: A story about what might have happened during those
months Mulder was away.

Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX and
they are not mine.

Note: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistake may occur.

She wanted to fly away from this world.
He was gone. She had no idea of where to look for him.
Sometimes she felt like screaming to the heavens to bring him back
 to her. But she remained her calm self.
She walked the halls of FBI as the ghost she was. She knew the looks
they gave her. Pity...
The office seemed colder when he wasn't there greeting her every
morning. She found it hard to smile and even to breath. She needed to
find him.

Agent John Doggett studied her face in the corner of his eye.
She was a beautiful woman. She looked so sad. He wanted to reach out
to her and ask if it was something he could do. But he already knew
what was wrong. Agent Mulder was missing. There had been talk that
there had been something going on between the two agents and when he
studied her face he knew that something had surly been
going on there.
Agent Dana Scully felt him watching her. She knew who he was. He was
one of them: one of those who had called Mulder names and laughed at
him. She could feel it.

That evening

As she entered Mulders home she felt more alone than ever.
If the walls of this apartment could talk
it would tell stories about laughter
and sorrow, life and death. A life lived to the fullest.
She closed her eyes and all the memories came back to her
like a wave. She couldn't
believe that memories could cause her such pain.
A tear fell from her
eye. She wiped it away, refusing to surrender to her feelings. She
was strong. She could handle this.
Her hands trembled as she picked up the shirt he had left behind. His
smell still lingered in the fabrics. When she closed her eyes she
could see him in front of her. She could almost touch him. All the
pain that struck her heart at that moment caused her to
grasp for air.
She lay down on his bed and before she fell asleep she prayed to god
that he would be by her side when she woke up.


He found her in the morning. She looked like an angel when she slept.
Agent John Doggett entered Fox Mulder's bedroom quietly.
She fascinated him. She carried a wall round that shots everyone out.
But sometimes when her defense wasn't so strong he
could see her pain.He could see it in her eyes.
He knew that pain all to well.
It was the pain of losing someone.
He knew how that pain could consume you. He wanted
to reach out to her but his own fears got in the way
as they always did.

 He came to her in her dreams again. But she could never reach him
there. Dana Scully woke slowly. She was still in his apartment.
She got up slowly and fixed her clothes.
She was off to play her part again.
The part she had played for weeks now. The play she put on for
the world to see that she was fine.
That nothing could affect her and that she could handle this.
But no one knew how her heart ached every time she moved.
He was no longer by her side.
- Agent Scully.
Agent Doggett entered the bedroom. He was dressed
in a dark blue suit and a gray tie. She pulled back;
a little embarrassed that he had found her in such
a state. He could almost see her raising her defensive.
He could see something in her eyes, something she would not admit to
anyone; she feared him.
He had found her in a weak state and she hated that. She had always
been proud of the fact that she was a strong woman, that she could
handle anything. That was the image she had worked so hard on getting
and now it was shattered just like that.
- What are you doing here?
- I could ask you the same.
- What do you want?
- I'm just trying to find Mulder.
He could see it in her eyes she did not trust him and he feared that
she never would. As they stood there arguing he could see the passion
in her eyes and he was affected by it.

Two months later

Somewhere in Utah

She never saw the shooter. Everything happened so quickly that she
wasn't able to react. They had entered the warehouse
at there own risk.
Agent Doggett was by her side. He had drawn his gun and she did the
same.
- Are you ready?
She was about to say something smart to him when it happened.
But in that moment he pushed her out of the way and
a shout pierced the silence of the night.
She fell to the floor. She was about to scream
something but she forgot what it was when she saw him falling to the
floor. She went for her gun and looked around.
But the night remained calm and still.
- Agent! Are you all right!?
She kneeled down beside him. John Doggetts face was a study of pain.
His face was pale and he trembled when he finally spoke.
- The shouter can still be in the area. Radio for back up.
Then she saw the blood. The bullet had entered Agent Doggetts body
just above his belt and exited at his side. She pulled up his shirt
and examined his wound.
- You have to radio for help.
Her hands trembled when she used his radio and called for help.
In her head voices whispered that she was going to loose him as she
had lost Mulder and that scared her.
She pressed both her hands against the wound and said:
- Hold on, John.
- It's nice to hear you call me by my name.
She told herself that he would be ok. She knew that he would.
- Well, maybe it's about time.
- Sure, is.
Agent John Doggett studied her face and saw something there that
he couldn't name.


- I'll be ok, Scully.
- I know that.
- Then stop worrying
- I'm not worried.
What a lie. He had grown on her. She needed him in her life. She felt
so safe when he was around, but that was something she would never
admit to anyone.

- John, when we get out of this maybe...
In that moment darkness took a hold of Agent Doggetts
mind and he fell in to unconsciousness.

The next day

John Doggett woke slowly. Every part of his body ached.
He turned his head and found her by his bedside.
She was sleeping. She was so
beautiful that he wanted to reach out and touch her.
- Agent Scully.
She sat up as soon as soon as she heard him call her name.
- I seem to always catch you sleeping, Agent Scully.
It felt so good to have him back. She gave him a big smile and said:
- How are you feeling?
- Like I have been shout.
She wanted to put her arms around him just to reassure herself
that he was truly there. But she knew that was right.
- I was afraid that..
- I'm not going anywhere.
Not even wild horses could drag him away from her. He wanted to touch
her, be close to her. Being close to her made him feel so good.
She chased away the ghosts with just one smile.

Five days later

- Are you ok, Doggett?
He had gotten out of the hospital two days ago. Doctors had removed
the bullet and he had recovered just fine. Now they were on their
way back home. The shouter had been arrested for shouting agent
Doggett.
- For god sake, Scully. I'm not a baby.
He laughed and continued:
- Why don't you let me drive?
- No. It's soon time to find a motel for the night anyway.
Since he had been out of the hospital she been so quiet. The tension
that had been between them at the beginning was back in full force.
He hadn't a clue why.
Two hours later they turned on to the driveway of a motel.
The manager was a man in his early twenties. He looked up
when the couple entered. The man was tall and dressed in a dark suit.
 The woman looked worried.
- Hi, folks. Looking for a room?
- Actually, two.
- Now that's a bite hard. I have only one room left.
You know tourist.
John Doggett studied her face and said:
- We're from FBI. Maybe you could find something.
- I don't care who you guys are. I haven't got more than one room.
Take it or leave it.
- We'll manage.
Scully took the key and started walking towards the room. Her heart
was racing in her chest and she couldn't understand why.
The room was not big: just one bed, a sofa and a bathroom.
- I'll be a gentleman and take the couch.
He was standing in the doorway smiling. She knew that is would be a
long night.



He couldn't sleep. Nightmares kept on chasing him away from a good
night sleep. It was the same dream all night since that day his world
had chattered in to pieces. He could no longer remember when he last
time got through a night without waking up with his
whole body covered in sweet.
After tossing and turning John Doggett finally gave away and feel
asleep.

A scream pierced the silence of the night. Dana Scully sat up and
find that the scream came from her partner that was sleeping on the
couch. He was still asleep when she kneeled down by his side.
He whispered something in his sleep but she
couldn't hear what it was.
He looked so troubled. His whole body was covered with sweat.
She was just about to reach out her hand and touch his face when he
woke. He grabbed her wrist. His eyes were dark.
- What happened? His voice was just a whisper.
- You had a nightmare. I was just about..
  He let go of her wrist and sat up.
- What time is it?
- Around four in the morning.
He rubbed his face and looked up:
- I'm sorry I woke you.
He looked so vulnerable. His eyes looked so sad.
- Want to tell me what you were dreaming?
John Doggett studied her face. She looked concerned. It felt good
to have somebody that cared so much that they would get up at four
in the morning and be by his side. He needed this.
But still he feared opening up his heart to her.
- It's nothing.
Scully sat down by his side and said:
- Tell me, John.
He turned to her and looked her straight in to her eyes.
- Did you know that I once had it all?
- What do you mean?
- A wife, a son, a nice house and even a dog. The whole thing.
He got up from the couch, walked up to the window and starred out
into the night.
- Everything was perfect. Her name was Molly. We met in high school.
Can you believe that?
- We married as soon as I got out of collage. After I got out of the
academy she announced that she was pregnant. It was a boy.
We named him Scott.
- What happened?
- A guy called James O'Donnell happened.
I still can remember that day so clearly.
O'Donnell was a known rapist and murderer. I had chased
him for months and months. Somehow he had gotten
hold of my name and address.
He closed his eyes and let the tears come.
- I was out on the job. Playing soldier again. He called me on my
cell-phone.
- He told me that he was standing outside my house. He described it
so well. He told me that I had a beautiful wife and son. Then he hung
up.
Scully got up from the couch and walked up to him. Her eyes were
filled with tears. She reached out and touched his arm. He turned
around and looked her straight in to her eyes. He was crying now.


- I didn't get there in time. I still see them in
my dreams. My wife, o god Molly... I found her
in our bedroom. She must have been sleeping
when he got to her. He had tied her up, rapped her several times and
then he had finally killed her.
Stabbed her to death. Then he continued
into Scott's room. And...
He couldn't say the words. He still could see the body of his little
son.
- O god, Scully. He was just five. He had
just started to learn how to ride a bike.
He hid his face in his hands. She took him into her arms
and held him for a while.
- It's ok. They're with god now.
He looked up straight into her eyes and said:
- How can you say that? There is no god.
A god would not let my family die like that.
A god would let me keep them.
She took his face between her hands and said:
- You have to believe that. Believe me, I have doubted god so many
times. But you have to believe that or you are
going to drive yourself crazy.
He looked at her without saying a word.
He could see in her eyes a pain like his: the pain
of losing a child, losing a family. She knew what it
was like. Her concern was for real and he loved her for it.
He was drawn to her. She was an angel he needed in his life.
He bent down and kissed her lips.
It was the softest kiss. She closed her eyes and let it happened.
She opened her up fully and let him get a taste of heaven. Her whole
body ached after him. She needed this as much as he did. She wanted
this.
Suddenly he pulled away. She couldn't see his eyes.
- Maybe we shouldn't. I'm sorry.
Feared had pulled him away from her;
fear of drowning totally in her.
- It's ok. It's soon morning. Maybe we should get some rest.
He could still taste her on his lips. He wanted her so badly that
every part of him ached. But this was neither the time nor the place.
- Maybe we should.

One day later
Somewhere in New Mexico.

Wallace McCain turned up the radio and started to sing to it.
He was a man in his forties. Never married. He lived over the gas
station he owned. He had seen it all: fugitive on the run, lost
tourist and illegal emigrants. But that day he would see something
he had never seen before. It was a hotter than usual that day. The
man came walking from the south.
Wallace looked up as soon as he saw someone entering his yard. He
was just about to say hallo when he saw the man. The man was tall;
with dark hair and dark eyes. His face was covered in dirt and he
needed a shave. The only thing that made this man standing out was
that he was completely naked. The man walked up straight to Wallace
looked him in the eyes and said:
- My name is Fox Mulder.



Three days later
Washington DC

Dana Scully got the call around eight in the morning. She wanted to
sleep because it was Saturday.
It was Skinner telling her that they had found him. She had a hard
time believing him at first but she said she would meat him at the
airport to fly down to New Mexico where Mulder were cared for.

John Doggett stood in line at the check in and wished he would stop
feeling like this. Mulder was back. That was a great thing. But still
he hoped that he had gotten more time with Scully.
Now he was about to lose her.
He knew it. He could feel it. As he walked the path to the
gate were Skinner was standing he reminded himself that
she were never his. But still the pain was so real.
She had never expecting to see him there. Since that night when they
had shared that beautiful kiss she hadn't been able to look Agent
Doggett in the eyes. Now he was standing there together with Skinner
waiting to board the plane. She could still feel his
lips on hers and that memory made her weak in the knees.

She looked beautiful. John Doggett wanted to take her in his arms
and beg her not to go. He knew that this might be the last time he
would see her. She would be back with Mulder and he would be back to
walking the halls of FBI. But how could he ask her to stay with him?
She wasn't in love with him. He doubted that she even trusted him.
So why should she stay?
He knew that her heart belonged to Fox Mulder.
He never would stand a chance.

New Mexico

Dana Scully opened the door to the hospital room were he were resting
with trembling hands. The room was not big. The walls were painted
white. He laid with his back turned towards her. Mulder was back.
She truly could not believe that he really was there.
She walked up to the bed and whispered his name.
He turned around, gave her a big smile
and said:
- Nice to see you, Scully.
She surrendered totally to her feelings and took him in her arms and
gave him a big hug. She was crying now.
- I can't believe you are here. I have missed you so.
Agent Doggett watch them from the doorway.
It felt like his heart was about to explode in his chest.
So this was the pain of loving. Maybe he was a fool.
Maybe it wasn't love he was feeling for Scully. It was time
to surrender this battle. He would sacrifice his heart for her.
He wanted to see her happy even though it would cause him such pain.
If she would find happiness with this man he had to accept that.
- Excuse me.
Scully heard Doggetts voice and let go of her grip of Mulder. She
stood up and said:
- Agent Doggett, Agent Fox Mulder.
Mulder watched his partners face and then the tall
man that just had entered.
He felt something was up between them but he wasn't sure what.


John Doggett turned the key and entered his hotel room.
He was so tired.
He had talked to Mulder for several hours and he
found himself liking the man that there was so much
talk about. He had wanted so badly to
dislike the man that had Scully's heart but he hadn't the strength.
He lay down on the bed and soon he was asleep.
A knock on the door woke him. He got up to find her standing outside
his door.
Her heart was racing when she asked if she could come in.
- What are you doing here?
- I came to say goodbye.
He had known this would come sooner or later.
He turned away from her afraid of what his eyes would tell her.
- Just like that.
- What do you mean? We'll still see each other.
- Maybe, maybe not. I'm leaving FBI. I'll turn in my resignation as
soon as we get back to DC.
He was leaving. She might never see him again.
- But...
She wanted to beg him to stay.
- But, what? There's nothing more to say.
He wanted to touch her a final time.
- Why are you leaving, John?
- Don't call me that!!
He didn't want to hear her being so personal. He needed to push her
away to save his own heart.
- Why are you leaving? Is it me?
- Of course not.
She walked up to him and took his hand. He turned and faced her.
- Then what? Have I done something wrong?
His whole body screamed after her. But he had to remind himself that
she didn't feel the same. Her heart belonged to Mulder. He couldn't
 look her in the eyes.
- You have done nothing wrong.
- Then tell me. Why are you leaving? We can fix it.
- You can't fix it.
- Why not?
He refused to answer. She would no the truth.
- Tell me.
- Because I'm in love with you.
Then he kissed her. It wasn't like their first kiss.
This was demanding,fed by the passion that they both felt.
Suddenly she broke away.
- I can't do this! I'm sorry.
Then she left.


The next day. Mulder's apartment.

- Good to see it still standing.
Fox Mulder laughed and looked around his home.
It was good to be back.
He looked at Scully that were standing in the doorway. She looked so
sad.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing is wrong. Why should something be wrong?
- You look so sad.
Today was the day he was leaving. She could still hear him say that
he was in love with her.
- I'm not sad.
- Has this something to do with Agent Doggett?
- I don't know what you are talking about.
- Ooo come on, Scully!! I have seen how he looks at you and the way
you look at him.
- I don't know what you are talking about.
- You are in love with him.
- You are wrong.
- I know you.
This was letting go. Fox Mulder knew that he had to let go of her.
She was in love with this man. She could see it in her eyes.
He had seen the same thing in Agent Doggett's eyes.
She had seen him in her dreams that night. John's face kept on
chasing her. She saw him everywhere. She could still
taste him.
Mulder walked up to his partner and took her by the shoulders.
- You love him as he loves you. Don't let him slip away. Believe me
you would regret it for your whole life.
For the first time in a long time she could see clearly.
- I love him.
Hearing her say those words caused him more pain that he ever thought
was possible. He had lost her. But when he looked at her
he knew that he had a special place in her heart as
she had in his.
- Then, why are you standing here!?
She smiled and hugged him.
- Thank you.
Then she was off. Mulder walked up to his window, starred up on the
sky and whispered:
- Good luck, Scully.


Agent John Doggett looked around the small office that they
had shared during those months. Now everything was over.
He was back to square one.
He turned around. She was standing in the doorway. She looked
great: dressed in a dark suit and with her hair tucked
behind her ears.
- So you are leaving.
- Yes, I'm going to turn in my resignation to Kersh before I leave.
- Where are you off to then?
- I don't know. I might go up to Canada for a while. My parents have
a cabin in the hills there.
- Ok.
- Goodbye, Scully.
He was leaving. She would never see him again.
He started to walk towards her.
- Please, stay.
Her words stopped him in his tracks. He looked at her and said:
- Why should I stay? There's nothing here for me. I don't crave to be
 a top Agent anymore. So why should I stay?
She took his hand and said:
- You're a great investigator and...
- That's all? I'm a great investigator. That's your reason why I
should stay?
- No, that's not all.
- Well?
- I love you.
He had dreamt about this moment.
- Don't say that?
- Say what? It's the truth.
- It's a lie. You're in love with Mulder.
He turned away from her.
- I fell in love with you that night. Do you remember? I can't get
that kiss out of my mind.
He turned towards her and said:
- I don't believe you.
- Then believe this.
Then she kissed him. All her love and passion for this man were shown
through the kiss.
He felt weak in the knees. She whispered:
- Stay with me. I need you. I love you.
- Don't ever leave me. I love you, Scully.
Then he surrendered to his feelings and kissed her with all the
feelings he had held back.
- I'll never leave you, John.
He smiled down at her and took her hand.
- How does forever sound for you?
She gave him a beautiful smile and said:
- It sounds perfect.


FEEDBACK PLEASE j_rothen@yahoo.se