Title: Surrender to me

Author: Jessica   ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Rating: PG

Category:DSR

Spoiler: None

Archive: Whereever..Just let me know where

Feedback: Yes, PLEASE:...j_rothen@yahoo.se

Summary: Doggett is badly hurt in a car crash and faces death

Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX
and they are not mine.

Note: I got some complaints that I don't use quationmarks when
someone is speaking, instead I use for ex. ( - Hi, he said ).
But that is what I'm use to. Anyway, if someone don't get what
they are saying :)...Send me a line and I let you know what I
mean...;)English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistake may occur.



It was raining that day death came knocking on John Doggett's
door. He never saw the other car. It seemed like it came out of
nowhere. The last thing he remembered thinking before he slammed
into it was that he hoped he would be okay. Then darkness came
and took him away.

My hands are trembling as I reach out and take his hand in
mine. I never thought I would be the one to sit by his bedside.
I even doubt he wants me here. I have been so offal towards
him. I have pushed away and kept him on an arms length away. He
came into my life when I was angry at the world. I have lost
Mulder to something I didn't understand or wanted to believe
in. I wanted to search for him as soon as I could and I didn't
want anyone looking over my shoulder. Especially not him. He
was everything that I despised. He wasn't Mulder. I convinced
myself that he was my enemy, that he was one of those men.
But he stood by my side and put up with me. He even managed
to pierce through my armor. He got me to trust him and it
feels nice not to hold my guard every time. I have even gotten
use to have him around. It feels nice to enter the office and
see him sitting there, waiting for me. I feel safe when he's
by my side. I feel stronger somehow when I know he backs me
up. I know he watches over me. He's like my guardian angel.
But still I hesitated to tell him about the miracle that grows
below my heart. I don't know why I didn't tell him. Maybe
because I knew it would change so much between us. I thought
he would push me, resent me for my weakness. But he didn't.
I know now that he would never ever push me away. He would be
by my side, supporting me. I never told him how thankful I'm
for everything he has done for me. For being there when no one
would. Now I'm about to lose him to the dark forces.

He never saw the face of the man but he knew who he was.
John Doggett knew whom he was facing. He wasn't afraid.
He had vowed to look death straight into its eyes when it
finally came to take him away. But still he trembled.
He didn't feel any pain. He actually felt so calm. He knew his
time had come. But still he clung to the memories that still
lingered in his mind. He saw faces from the past; his wife
and his son. He tried to reach out his hand and touch them but
the pictures faded and changed. She came to him like an
beautiful angel. Scully. He reached out his hand and she took
it with a smile. He tried to speak to her but no words came
over his mouth. He wanted to tell her so much. There was still
so much to say. But time was slipping away from him.

I hate hospitals. It's funny, I'm a doctor and I hate
hospitals. But I do. I hate the smell of it. I hate the way
it makes me remember all the bad memories that still lingers
in my mind. I hate the way death lurks in the corners. Now
I was back in this horrible place. The only sounds that pierce
the silence of this room is the sounds the machines make.
I'm still sitting by his bedside. Not even wild horses can
drag me away. I want to be here. I need to be here. He's
breathing with help of machines. I know he's slipping away
from me. They came to tell me what I already know. There was
nothing left for them to do. They said it was in God's hands
now. He might wake up tomorrow or he might never wake up. I
know all of that. They don't have to tell me. I'm clinging
to hope now. I'm clinging to maybe.
What would I do if I lost him? Someone once told me "Never
love anyone. You just end up losing them." I used to think
that was just talk from a bitter person. But I'm starting to
believe now. I have lost so many people in my life that I
feared loving once again. Then he entered my life. I have to
admit that I love him. I know it's not right. Maybe it's
madness. But I love for the kindness he shows me. I love him
for the warmth he tries so hard to not show. I love him for
believing in my. I love him for trusting me. I love him for
everything that he is. It felt nice to get that of my chest.
It felt nice to admit it to myself. Maybe it's madness to
fall in love so fast. But I know that time is slipping away
from me and I'm not going to leave words unspoken, not again.

She was by his side. He could feel her. He tried to reach
her. He tried to speak to her. But he couldn't. It was like
was stuck. He knew that death lurked in corner, waiting and
watching. He could feel him. It was like a coldness that
was always present in the room. He knew that he couldn't run
from it. There was nowhere to go.

The darkness of the night creeps closer and closer. I try
not to feel how tired I am. I don't want to sleep. I need to
be awake incase he wakes up. I need to be by his side. I
want to be the first person he sees when he wakes up. He will
wake up; it's just a matter of time. I know he's strong and
he'll find his way back to me, somehow.

The pain ran through his body like a poison. It teared his
heart slowly apart and he made his mind blurry. He tried to
scream but no words came over his mouth. It wasn't suppose to
end like this. He needed more time. He couldn't go just yet.
There were still so much to do, to say. But death had come
to take him away and there was nothing he could do to stop it
from happening.

The sounds from the machine woke me. I had fallen asleep
beside his bed. I sit up and then I see the thing that I have
feared so. The machine that managed his heart had gone blank.
I rush to his side and begin CPR.
- No, no, no, no.....!!!! John, don't leave me.
Seconds feels like hours. While I'm breathing air into his
lunges a voice inside my head whispers that I had lost him.
- John!!! Don't do this to me!
He showed no signs of coming to. Time passes too quickly.
Doctors and nurses rushed into the room and pushed me aside.
I stumble backwards and I watch as they try to breath life
into his body. But I know that it is too late. My legs
gives away and I crumble to the floor. I can't breath.
- Please, no... John...
I knew that death had come to take him while I was sleeping.
I couldn't save him. I can't save anyone. I couldn't save
Emily, I couldn't save Mulder and now John. I have lost them
all. Tears mark my face as they turn to me and tell me the
words I already know. He was gone. I close my eyes and let the
pain and sorrow wash over me.
I rise and walk up to him. They have left me now. His face is
so still now. My hands tremble as I take his hand in mine. It's
still warm but I know his body will soon go cold. My lips kiss
his hand and I whisper the words I never dared to speak out
load:
- I love you, John.
I don't care anymore. I don't care of what is proper and right.
I don't want to hide my feelings anymore. I know that I'm too
late. But I need to grieve. I have never let my heart grieve.
But I need to cry for him. I need to scream out load. I need
to feel this pain. I have lost him. The need to be close to
him enters my mind and I lay down beside him on the bed. I pull
him closer, so close I can. His scent fills me and I close my
eyes.
How can I make it in this world without him by my side? He
always stood by my side, no matter what. He believed in me.
I need him in my life. I want him in my life. Why couldn't I
see that before it was too late?
The stars has come out to mark the sky outside the
window. I wish they would just go away. I don't need them in
my world anymore. They could kill them all, see if I care. I
don't care if the world would come to an end tomorrow.
I wish it would.
At least then I would not be alone anymore.
I kiss his cold lips one final time and surrender to the pain
that fills my heart.
I'm broken.

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