The Sweetest Gift

Author: Kimberly  (starbuck20032000@yahoo.com)

Spoilers: Release

Category: Doggett Angst

Rating: PG

Summary: Love while you have the chance.

Archive: XFMU, Addicted 2 Doggett.  Feel free to
archive if you want it, just let me know so I can
visit the site!

Disclaimer: They aren't my characters but Chris Carter
is nice enough to share.   

Feedback is welcomed and dearly loved. :-D
_______________________________________________________

Move on.  Let her in, John.  That's what she had told
him the day after the beach.  And now he had called to
check on her, just to make sure everything was fine. 
In reality, it had been to learn whether or not she
was hurting like he still was.

There was no hatred between them, just the shared pain
as significant dates passed - his birthdays, Mother's
Days, Father's Days.  There was also the knowledge
that they would never experience the pleasures that
came with parenthood.  No learning to drive.  No first
date or first kiss.  No college.  The list was endless
and tormented him almost daily.  Any little thing
could set it off.  A father playing with his son in
the park or something as simple as passing a funeral
home.  Sure, he knew he should simply snap out of it. 
But, he didn't want to.

"Okay, I just wanted to check on you before you left. 
I'll talk to you later, Barb."  A moment passed before
her voice came across.

"Wait, John."  He could hear pause.  "Are you going to
be home tonight?"

Where else am I gonna go?  John sighed and rubbed his
temples.  "Yeah," he replied.

"Okay.  I'll talk to you soon."  A click and then
nothing.  Barbara had hung up, leaving him with his
thoughts.

Losing Luke had irrevocably changed his life.  He lost
his son, his wife, and almost lost his mind.  

The obsession Hayes had talked about - John understood
it.  He got ‘obsession'.  All those days and nights
studying every shred of evidence they had compiled on
Luke's case, he learned what obsession was.  There was
a beauty and a betrayal in it.  Yeah, he knew
obsession.  He understood Hayes.

A knock on his door caused his head to jerk from the
position it had been in.  The phone buzzed in his ear.
 He had been holding it...for how long?  Fifteen? 
Twenty minutes?

Another knock.

John replaced the receiver on the cradle and answered
as the doorbell rang.

"Pizza and a six pack."

A startled look crossed his face as it took him a
moment to realize - "Barb?"

Barbara shifted her stance to balance the treats.  "I
thought you could use a friend for a while."

A friend?  They had been more than that.  Once.  Not
now or ever again.  His eyes focused on a box at her
feet.  "What's that?"

"We need to talk.  Why don't you take the food?"  Not
really a question, Barbara handed him the items and
stepped inside.  "Nice, John.  You've got a beautiful
house."

"Thanks."  John passed by her and sat the pizza down
on the coffee table. "You lied," he held up the ‘six
pack as evidence, "it's Coke."

"Ah, but you never asked what type of six pack was in
the cooler."  She sat with the box beside her and took
in her surroundings.  A hint of cologne and aftershave
was part of the atmosphere Barbara found herself
immersed in.  She had thought she knew what to expect
at John's house but was shocked to find the room she
sat in lacking personal pictures.

Returning from the kitchen with napkins and plates,
John sat across from her on the couch.  

"Entertain much?"  Barbara handed him a drink and
placed a slice of pizza on the plate in front of him. 
Old habits die hard.

Smiling at that thought of himself actually having
someone over, John replied with a chuckle, "Nah,
pretty much keep myself entertained with work."

"Some things never change."  

Her remark was low, but did not go unnoticed by him. 
"What's in the box?"

Barbara carefully placed it on the coffee table next
to the pizza box and opened it, pulling out the first
of three large, blue photo albums.  "Remember when I
spent hours making scrapbooks at the end of each
year?"

John nodded as a lump formed in his throat.  He could
easily recall her sitting around the fireplace during
the Christmas holidays, Nat King Cole on the stereo. 
She would be surrounded by newspaper clippings and
photos as she carefully arranged them in their
rightful places.  Green photo albums for the family,
red ones that held articles on his cases and police
commissioners' commendations, and blue ones for Luke.

"I sent the last three I made for Luke to Mom.  She's
stored them all these years." Barbara was talking
again.  John brought his focus back to the present.

"Why did you bring ‘em here?"

She flipped open the one that began on Luke's fifth
birthday.  "Because you need to see him as the
beautiful little boy he was and always will be."

Was she telling him to just forget the fact that Luke
had died?  Maybe she could just move on, but he could
not.  Not even after Regali was dead and Follmer was
in prison.  It did not bring Luke back.  His son would
always be gone.  "Barb, I can't.  Luke needed me to
come through for him.  I have to live with the fact
that I failed him.  How can you -"

"Don't you think I regret every minute that I waited
for him to come back around on his bike?  For months I
replayed it all.  If I had only walked with him.  If
only I hadn't let him ride around the block.  If only
we'd gone to the park instead of staying home.  If
only, if only - John!  We can't live like that!" 
Barbara was leaning on her legs, facing him and
struggling to show him what he needed to see.  She had
loved Luke with such ferocity that her heart had
shattered when he was abducted.  She had sought help
to heal the destruction that had come into her life
but John had not.  He had obsessed over what he could
have done to save Luke.  Friends and family had tried
to comfort him, but he had shoved them aside to focus
on his grief and not to see the grief of others.

"But what if there had always been something, a clue
or something else that would have gotten us to Luke -"

"John, there wasn't.  We both know that.  I don't know
why you have this guilt because I have never ever
blamed you for this."  Barbara placed the album on his
lap.  Staring up at him were pictures of Luke's first
day at school.  He was beaming as he showed the camera
his lunch box and backpack.

John flipped a couple of pages to the Thanksgiving
feast of that year.  Luke had lost his first tooth
biting into the turkey.  They had sealed the event in
time with three pages of pictures.

The lump that had formed in his throat grew as he
turned the pages.  Barbara's eyes welled with tears
while she watched him run his fingertips over each
image.  Memories of those long-ago days were brought
to the forefront of their minds as each parent
recalled the life their son had enjoyed and not the
life that had been lost.

"Hey," a smile played on John's face as he looked up
from the album, "you remember the look on his face
when he found the money under his pillow?"

"The five dollars?  Oh, how could I forget?  His mouth
was wide open and he walked into the bedroom and just
held it out for us to see."  Barbara laughed at the
sweet memory while the tension that had been in the
room began to lift.

"‘Member what he said?  ‘Mommy, Daddy!  The tooth
fairy took my tooth!'  It was like he didn't care
about getting some money, he was more concerned that
his tooth was gone!"

The both laughed as neither had in a very long time. 
The look of shock on Luke's face was as fresh in their
memories as it had been when he was five.

While the pain and loss would never leave John,
Barbara's gift of Luke's life had awakened a happiness
and joy that had long been missing.  It was the
sweetest gift he had received in a very long time.

The next couple of hours passed quickly.  There was
laughter accompanied by plenty of tears.  Barbara
could almost see the years of guilt beginning to
subside.  He still had a long road ahead of him, but
this was a start.

"John," she broke the chain of memories with a serious
tone in her voice, "these albums are yours to keep."

He looked up with questions and gratitude in his eyes.


Barbara continued, "When you came to the house a
couple of days ago, I could feel that you hadn't begun
to heal.  You've been looking for a way to handle your
guilt by yourself."

John shifted where he sat.  This was not something he
wanted to hear, yet Barbara's words were not coming
across harsh and hurtful as they would have in the
past.

"John, letting yourself remember good times does not
mean you're betraying him.  Luke wouldn't want this. 
He loved you so much.  He wouldn't want to know that
his daddy feels guilty after all this time."

"I know," he responded quietly.

Luke had been full of life, always rushing around.  He
had such incredible energy that it often now seemed to
John that his son knew he had only a short time in
this world.

Barbara's hand on his knee made him lift his head to
look at her - an amazing pillar of strength he had
never before noticed.

Watching him those few moments in which he had been
silent, she knew why she had come.  It was to help
him.  "John, we had seven years to love Luke and for
him to love us in return.  Neither of us would trade
that time for anything.  I don't regret those years. 
I don't believe we would have been spared pain had he
not been born - it would simply have come in another
way."

John flexed his fingers as her words began to take
effect.

"Your guilt over Luke's death has caused you to shut
yourself off from the people who care about you. 
Don't force yourself to be alone for the rest of your
life because you are too blinded by unnecessary guilt
to see the love that's right in front of you."

Barbara's voice quieted and John waited to see if she
would continue - but she did not and when he finally
allowed himself to see her again, he noticed her
cheeks streaked with tears.  Lifting a hand to his own
face, he found his cheeks were also wet.

With a knowledge only two grieving parents could
share, the last of their hidden pain was released with
the help of the most precious gift they could ever
have - memories of their son.

****

"Goodbye, John."

They embraced as Barbara prepared to leave.

"Have a safe trip."  John pulled back with a friendly
smile.

"I will.  Take care of yourself."

"Barb," John called to her as she began to step into
her car, "thanks for changing my life. Again."

With only a smile, Barbara pulled out of the driveway.

John sat on the couch for a moment before picking up
the phone.

"Hello?"  The voice on the other end was drowsy
sounding.

"Hey, Monica.  Did I wake you?"

"John?"  He heard her pause and could sense she was
focusing her attention.  "No, it's okay.  Is anything
wrong?"

There was a smile on his face as he answered, "I just
wanted to hear your voice."